Obsessive Parents: What are the reasons parents obsess over the college admissions process?
You’re on CollegeConfidential. You’re checking out college rankings. You’re hyper focused and determined that your child gets into the “right” college. If you can afford it. you’re paying for a college admissions consultant to assist your child through the process. If this isn’t an option, you are seeking out others for free advice.
Some of these same parents will downplay the importance of where a student goes to college, saying it’s what they do at college that matters more. Yet secretly - or not so secretly - they obsess about which college their child will attend, focusing on prestige and name recognition. The decal on their SUV matters more to them than they are willing to admit.
If your a frequent CC parent, this may apply to you. Be honest with yourself.
What are some of the reasons for this fixation? I have some ideas. I’d be interested to see what others think.
That price is for the most expensive private colleges. There are less expensive options, both public and private (including starting at a community college) that aren’t even considered. Why is that?
Being concerned about your child’s education is not something that begins with college. For many, like myself, it began during kindergarten.
Whats wrong with wanting the best for your children? Prestige is hyped, and I agree is overvalued. But finding the best match for your children should not be viewed with acrimony.
Like many (most?) CC parents, I often fall into the category I’ve identified. I’m being honest with myself in saying this. The reasons for this are what I’m thinking about more lately.
For example, I read an article that talks about the fear that many middle and upper middle class parents have that their child will fall down the economic ladder, and how this influences the degree to which they will assist their young adult children.
As one comment stated, "Elite colleges are now a cruel sorting system that favors the global well off and an alumni network of employers, bankers, and technocratic venture capitalists who favor their own children.
The rest compete for scraps."
A bit of hyperbole, yes, but it also resonates for many as evidenced by the large number of people agreeing with the comment.
No one wants to compete for scraps, and that fear drives a lot of parents to obsess. Think about the Varsity Blues scandal and what those parents were willing to do to assure their children attended the “right” colleges. They are an extreme example, but there are many others who don’t resort to illegal activities who have the same strong desire to “assist” their children to gain acceptance to elite colleges.
That price is for the most expensive private colleges. There are less expensive options, both public and private (including starting at a community college) that aren’t even considered. Why is that?
Many students do consider (and attend) community colleges.
One of the main issues with attending a community college first is that CC credits don’t always transfer to the 4-year school (unless there is an articulation agreement), and transfer students generally receive less FA then they would have if they attended the 4 year school to start with (of course one would have to compare the full costs both ways, including potentially more than 2 years at the 4 year college in the case of credits not transferring).
"Many students do consider (and attend) community colleges.
Close to zero on the CC parent forums I’ve seen. It’s good for “others”, but again, if we’re being honest, most CC parents would never consider it for their own kids. It’s a non-random group of parents on CC, I’ll grant that.
Regarding credits transferring, it depends, as you mentioned. The majority of colleges are happy to accept community college transfer students and their credits. The elite colleges? Not so much. That’s by design.
I’m not sure I’m “obsessed” - i actually only found CC after my older child had been accepted ED1. However, my behavior partly fitting the mold you mentioned anyway (studying rankings, private college counselor albeit not one of the stupidly expensive ones) stems from two main factors :
(1) we are immigrants to the US and the college system here differs markedly from elsewhere so it takes a lot of figuring out. (2) I had no choice where to go to college - we had one local university and being a commuter student (with a tuition scholarship) was the only way I could afford to go.
I am thankful that I am able to give my children choice (and boy is there choice here in a way we never had back home) and needed as much information as possible about how and why to make that choice. Now that we have had a go with child 1, quite successfully I think, I do wonder how I will fare with child 2 in a few years time …I think less consideration to rankings, but I do suspect I’ll be around here during the process too!
Personally, I tend to obsess over everything - just the subject changes depending on what is going on at the moment.
In regards to the college application cycle, I don’t think it was “prestige” per se. My D grew up in this town and she has never quite found her tribe. Our family priorities, politics, background and her interests are different. She made the decision a while ago that she didn’t want to go to one of the dozen schools “everyone” goes to and we needed advice beyond where the guidance office funnels students every year. We hired an outside counselor with a bigger world view and set about helping her find a places she would feel comfortable. Their experience helped us see what the real possibilities and options could be and we did whatever we could to help her get there. Is the end result “prestigious”? Some would say yes. Was that our motivation? No, but we are happy she will be at a school where they meet 100% of need and our cost is only a bit more than the state schools and a bit less than the local schools “everyone” attends.
@helpingmom40
CC is definitely helpful for parents who want to broaden their views and educate themselves. I’m glad your daughter found the right college for her. My daughter also had the “forge their own path” personality and wanted to be different in her college selection than her classmates. She’s the first person from our high school to attend her chosen college for at least the past 5 years, maybe longer.
I wouldn’t call myself obsessive, but my reason is I’m a research nut. When I’m interested in something, I dive deep and love to learn everything about it. The whole process to me was just fascinating. I helped develop my kids’ college lists and went on visits with them. They decided where to apply and attend. I doubt either would’ve found most of those schools without my research. Their guidance counselor was pretty useless as far as putting together a list.
Agree with @taverngirl . I love doing the research, so does my D21. We’re not looking at super elite schools, just trying to find her a school she’ll love that we can afford. She knows the final pick needs to fit the budget, whether it’s Harvard or Rutgers,
CC is a small sample. My D goes to a top ranked public in our state, you’d be hard pressed to find a 2 bedroom condo in the town under $450k, Large Asian and Indian population that move to town just for the school system. We get a few dozen every year into the Ivies, UMich, UVA, Vanderbilt, etc. The top school every year, with about 50-60 going there out of a class of 450? Rutgers. A close second every year? Community college.
@NearlyDone2024 , I have to address a couple of misconceptions.
You are not correct about people attending or who attended CC not being on this website. I attended CC for three years before I transferred. My nephew is doing the same. There are a lot of students here who want advice about both CC and the transfer process to CC. As far as prestige, yes, lots of parents and students both want that.
It is also WAY off base to say that people here aren’t looking for the cheapest college. There are some legendary and long running threads on this site, including two very recent ones, from people looking for the absolute most affordable option. (Do a search for Reject Train going full Speed and Looking for Merit Aid top 1%.) There are many posts from people asking about how to get merit aid, and the FA forum is very busy. In fact, I would say that a very large percentage of posts on CC are by people looking for affordable college options.
Our D attended a prestigious private LAC because she felt, and we agreed, that it would be the best place for her to do well, both in college and after. We were fortunate to be able to afford that. However, our son attends an affordable public U instate. He had more expensive choices, including a soph transfer option to a prestigious private U. He wasn’t interested. He loves his school and we are happy with the price tag, especially now.
I’d be lying if I said we ignored prestige. As far as being obsessed, I am simply endlessly fascinated by how the whole process has so many twists and turns. My interest in being on CC, with no other kids of my own, is that I enjoy helping others work through the process.
For some families with more than one child, they probably have a mix of issues.
Someone above said that few parents on CC send their kids to community college then to senior / four-year college. Well, hey, I’m here to represent. Three of an undisclosed number of kids have started at community college then went to (or are on their way to) excellent senior colleges – by excellent I mean the right school for them. Not defined by the USNWR. Each of them has chosen their path individually based on what they needed. One needed to raise grades. One wanted a chance to gap and try things out, both for work and then academics, before committing to an engineering senior program. And so on CCs can be cheap ways to do such things.
I was raised with low funds but high academics. I personally earned my way through top undergrad and grad schools, as did my partner. We are very well acquainted with Ivy and Ivy-level schools–and maybe that’s why I’m not blinded by their gleaming marketing and hyperventilated reputation. I know what they can and cannot do. I see the faults because I’ve lived Ivies for decades. And I know that smaller, less competitive schools can be amazing–they allow great room for growth of the students. They may have better niche programs than Ivies–better in theater, better in music, better in marine biology, better in glass engineering or nanotechnology. In the end, Name of School isn’t what makes a person happy.
I also see the wonder of community colleges, some of them, and what amazing work they can do. The vast majority of CCs are underfunded and poorly organized for the population they serve, and the profs work extremely hard in a system that needs an overhaul. From what I gather California CCs have a decent system in place. NYC has one excellent CC that is a new curriculum/ method of teaching and has tripled the grad/transfer rate of most CCs as a result. Other places have some decent CCs and when they work well, they work really well.
Then there are the offspring who are each very different. They have different needs.
That’s a main reason why I’m on College Confidential. To find the right school for each child. Including one they can afford. And by afford I mean zero to max $25K debt.
It’s great to see such a diverse array of responses. That’ s how we expand and grow.
Not everyone who has an opinion starts a thread or makes a comments on threads. I’d wager that among these observers there are many who understand what I was touching upon with elitism and having a public opinion on a topic like community colleges while holding a decidedly different view in private. I admitted that the thread applies to me as much as others. Self-deception is often easy to recognize in others but far more difficult to recognize in ourselves.
I’m like @taverngirl, a research nut. I spent many months researching Disney before we went in 2006. I was on the Disney boards daily. My family thought I was a bit crazy, but they sure appreciated my work when everything went smoothly! Like learning how to navigate each park to avoid the amount of time spent standing in lines - we did very little of that during a busy week. For me, a lot of the fun of a trip is in the planning (a good thing, since I will have to start from scratch when we reschedule our canceled trip to Europe).
In the case of college, our oldest was a recruited runner and excellent student. @MomofWildChild told me about CC and I’m so thankful she did! I did spend a lot of time on the site but it saved us a lot time and money in the long run. I don’t consider it obsessive when we were talking about hundreds of thousands of dollars for all our kids’ college costs.
Beyond that I am an information hound. I do love to research and gather information as much as possible to help them make the right decisions so that I can one day have adults that are pretty happy with the path they went on
I was also very lucky that my parents allowed me to go to great school as long as I got in. I always felt that education was important, but also for fit. For a while both my kids went to private/charter schools that fit them better. See first sentence.
Back to paragraph two. If its not about college, its about vacation, or now Covid. I just am one of those who love to research , research, research. My oldest was looking at apartments for a while. She could do it herself, but I enjoyed doing the research
BTW how I raised my children was always about experiences. They did not get the expensive clothes, toys, etc. But rather I would funnel the money/time towards experiences, whether it be in trips, activities, and education, or volunteering.
Yeah, so now its a Sunday, I have nothing to really do today :(. So here I am on CC replying to this post.
you sound exactly like my mother…she researches everything! and loves it! She loved all the college visits, research etc. I really think she should do this for a living lol.
she was supportive of every school I made and would have been happy for me no matter what I chose …it wasn’t about the “name”
For many, we want the best for our kids, to help then acquire the skills so they can successfully “launch” into the real world and be self-sufficient.
To this end, the reason I came to CC a couple of years ago was to learn as much as I could about the college application process as the landscape has changed a lot since the mid-80s when I was in high school.
My daughter had always been a very good student, test taker, and had a good mix of ECs, and we wanted to research what colleges would be a good fit for her? CC was/is a wealth of information and helped me better understand what the process would look like from her sophomore to senior year. CC helped take the mystery away…
Below I have listed what I feel is the 4 most represented broad groups that frequent CC:
high stat high school students who draft “Chance Me” threads to get feedback if they are competitive for top colleges and a little confirmation/adulation. They also will come back here to participate in “Results” threads.
parents who have high stat kids, who want to understand how their kid can get into a top college so they obsess about classes to take, standardized testing (ACT, SAT, SAT II subject tests, AP exams), ECs, essays, course rigor, college tours, FA, awards, community service hours, varsity sports and recruitment, etc.
parents who didn’t or couldn’t save enough money for college and are trying to understand how they can pay for college (“chasing merit”) Seems like a big segment of CC threads revolve around this topic.
close to retirement, older parents who give experienced college advice to others but also like the social aspect of CC to discuss a whole range of topics unrelated to college (ex. “Best dress for the mother of the bride?”).
Don’t know if this makes sense or answered the OPs question at all?