As a parent I am devastated that my child has decided to drop out of his Engineering degree with a 3.2 GPA in her ( 4th year) his final year of first semester at an ivy league college. Now says that she never wants to go back. Wants to go and get an easy job and doesn’t need a degree. And was doing the wrong degree and would get depressed if she had to go back and change major and do another 1.5years. So will just do a job where she doesn’t really have to use her brain. We are giving her some space, have asked her to talk to someone but she’ll have to navigate the rest of her path at the age of 22yrs. We are as parents very afraid for her . Any ideas for career consultants. Anyone else going through this.
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Is she finishing this semester? Hopefully so. Nothing wrong with taking a break for a semester or so - I would communicate to the school that she is taking a semester off - not quitting entirely. Hopefully her plans will change.
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ETA…I think you need to figure out why she feels this is a better path, and why now. Is she discouraged, depressed? What?
She should ask the school for a leave of absence instead of just dropping out. She doesn’t have to return, ever, but if she decides to, the option will be there. Tell her, it’s about leaving options open.
Then be supportive of her decision not to finish right now. If you have any job connections, point her in the right direction.
Is she planning on living with you? If so, make an agreement on what and when she will pay as her share of the living expenses once she gets that job (set a timeline on this). We did this with our college grads!
She sounds like she needs a break, and some time to figure out what she wants to do. Of course, I think getting that degree in May would be a better idea…and then just doing what she wants to do.
Is there a career counselor you could hire who could help her see careers with her degree that are NOT necessarily engineering?
And an “easy job”? What does she mean by that?
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I’m so sorry you’re going through this and it must be very difficult to watch. I agree she should take a leave of absence in order to leave options open. Talking to a counselor (not so much a career counselor, but a mental health counselor) would be a good idea for her. I think the stress of this year is affecting so many of us in devastating ways. My family is really feeling the stress of it as well. I’m guessing your kid needs a mental health break. And after that, talking to a career counselor would probably be helpful; with an engineering degree, one can go into law or policy or any number of areas that utilize the knowledge without working specifically as an engineer. I send positive vibes to you and your family.
Was she ‘pushed’ into engineering by her parents? Perhaps she’s had enuf of that major bcos she never wanted to do it in the first place?
“So will just do a job where she doesn’t really have to use her brain” Most jobs require one to use their brain, even those not requiring an Ivy league degree.
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I agree with trying to get her to do a leave of absence rather than withdraw entirely. So many students are really battling right now with everything that’s going on. A semester without pressure might also help her really figure out what the problem is - maybe the COVID/school stresses, maybe give her a reset to either to finish her current degree (engineers don’t have to do engineering when they graduate) or the energy to pivot to something else that may require a bit longer to complete (assuming you would be financially able and emotionally supportive of this). It’s so hard for us to see our kids struggling, and so hard to know what’s right to do in the moment when that moment is full of despair. Just try to get her to keep her options open while she works through everything; and hopefully that will help make it clearer, without having burned bridges if she does decide she wants a way back to finish a degree. (And maybe a semester working full time in something where she doesn’t have to think will also help her put that in perspective.) And maybe her way forward does require a different path than the one she is on currently, and she will always need your support either way. Best of luck.
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Struggle is normal. Failure is normal. Being paralyzed by either is not normal. I don’t have enough information about your child to thoughtfully offer advice. My experience as an undergrad in engineering was that it got better as you got closer to graduating. More specialized courses, less punishing math. So I’m a bit puzzled by what’s happening to your child. I would recommend a study abroad program and a co-op if your child’s institution offers them. In these times the study abroad might not be feasible but the co-op might be a good option. Has your child been under extreme pressure to succeed? Are these the cracks showing? Was engineering their own career choice?
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The student wants to drop out in first semester of senior year? Is there no way for student to finish this semester? Take incompletes rather than withdrawing? Or at worst, withdraw from all classes and take a leave of absence, rather that drop out?
Your student should not just drop out. They’ve come too far to give up. However, I suspect that your student is depressed, possibly worse. The pandemic is having this effect on many people, especially college students who are stuck at home, doing online classes.
Definitely get the student in with a counselor/therapist, possibly at student health, immediately. It has been my experience that certain ethnic/immigrant groups have a very difficult time recognizing depression and worse yet, suicidal thinking in their family members. This can have tragic results.
If the student can take incompletes, they may be able to finish up the classes without having wasted the tuition for this semester. A leave of absence with therapy, work, and pursuit of activities that help with mood and mind frame may enable the student to return to finish the degree next year.
Don’t let the student close the door on returning to the school eventually. And don’t miss signs that the student may be in terrible psychological pain, my need psychotherapy, and possibly medication. Your child’s health and safety come before anything else.
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She has a 3.2 which is over the threshold that she would need to have for an engineering job. My daughter likes the variety of the work. It’s very different from what the education requires. All of those entertainment industries need engineers for some really fun stuff.
Let her take a break. My daughter needed a break. But she needs to talk to someone at the university.
We said, okay, “tell yourself what you really want to do”. “I don’t know” is not an answer because it doesn’t pay anything.
When she investigated other jobs, she realized that she was good at seeing how things lined up, and that she wanted a decent income and perks. She has that now as EECS engineer. She can do software engineering and hardware.
Oh, wow, I feel for you! This would seriously bum me out, too. I agree with the others that she needs space and time to deal with this, but I would encourage her just to take a leave of absence for mental health reasons, rather than dropping out. She may realize that she does want a degree after all, but perhaps in another field, especially if she only chose engineering because it is a lucrative field.
Make sure she is seeing a therapist to sort this out. She needs to figure out what she wants or she won’t be happy.
It’s complicated. There could be lots of reasons and we don’t know your child or the family dynamics. (Or the situation at this college. We don’t know the context. Nor whether something happened at school that makes her not want to be in that particular environment.)
But I dropped out at one point. It wasn’t depression or anything about the futility of my studies or job directions. I had simply had so much fun the summer before that college seemed drudgery. In my case, I couldn’t wrap my head around returning to the structure and etc. One semester at home did the trick. Bored, of course. On one hand, I’d had that growth spurt (that summer was spent working away from home, a sort of resort job, back then.) I wanted to be free. On the other, I had yet to learn that “free” needs to be worked towards. It comes with time, not necesarily “on demand.”
I returned after a semester, far more empowered than before. I didn’t connect to a job, no one underwrote any trips. Bored silly, no car, my friends were all away, I learned something.
I agree with others: leave of absence, not total withdrawal. And a timeline to finish a degree, whether that’s engineering or whatever her current credits will allow, maybe with a few extra courses to meet requirments.
Good luck with this.
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Save your devastation for something serious and irreversible.
This one is just putting a pin in things while your kid figures things out.
Get organized. Your kid needs to take a leave of absence- there will be a couple of people who will need to sign off on that. Your kid needs to check in with the bursar to see what charges have been paid that can be refunded, charges that have not been paid which must be paid, outstanding obligations (you don’t want your kid leaving college with overdue library books, room keys, etc). Your kid needs a copy of the official transcript to make sure that incompletes are recorded accurately, withdrawals are recorded accurately, and that the grades as listed were the actual grades earned. Once you’ve withdrawn it’s just a lot harder to get Deans and registrars etc. to talk to you…Make sure you all understand the ramifications of any loans- payments start when?
Then- figure out next steps. A counselor to talk things through if there’s burnout, suspicion of depression? A physical just to make sure that pesky, fixable things (thyroid?) aren’t causing fatigue, sleep issues, etc.
Finally- come up with the 'rules of the road". Living at home means adult responsibilities for fixing meals, laundry, cleaning up. Give a timeline on how long an adult kid can live at home before paying rent. Using your car- when, how? OK to use to get to work (and if so, how are YOU supposed to get to work?) etc.
Hugs to you. This is going to be fine. Minor speed bump. I’m seeing so much burn-out among college kids right now. Will there be graduation? Can I go for my semester abroad to a country that doesn’t want Americans right now? How can interview for summer jobs right now when I can’t get to career services to work on my resume?
Covid. Your kid is in very good company. Just make sure nobody panics and that the withdrawal is done “by the book” so you aren’t on the hook for more money and so that the door will be open down the road for a return- or a transfer to another college (check that transcript NOW for accuracy!)
Kid wants to teach pre-school? Sure. Tough to live on $15/hour as an aide (even pre-school teachers need a BA degree these days) but some kids need to live it in order to understand it. Kid wants to wait tables? Good luck getting full time hours these days with many restaurants closed and laying off experienced staff. Not a lot of jobs to support yourself right now without a degree- but college will still be there in a year or two!
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Hi, @KatieMu – I’ve been summoned to this thread by good folks who know that i have very much been where you are now. My S dropped out of an Ivy (Columbia) in the SECOND semester of his senior year. So, I get it, I really do.
So first, stay calm. It was pretty awful around my home, and a lot of tension–my H tried not to be angry, but didn’t always succeed. Remember your kid is the same wonderful person she has been the last three years, and her whole life. She’s not doing this because she wants to make you crazy, but because she thinks she can not be there anymore.
My S had had a painful emotional event a year and a half before he dropped out; he soldiered on, but he was just too unhappy to stay. He came home, worked at a fulfilling, good-works, but low-paying, job for a few years, and put himself back together. He lived at home, but paid board.
Six years later, he was ready to go back to school. I know that sounds like a long time. But he got himself accepted back by Columbia (not assured, because he did NOT arrange the correct leave of absence), got good financial aid, and did an amazing job of taking 20 credits while living at home and commuting three hours each day, ending the semester with a 3.8 GPA. He has a job in the nonprofit world he loves and has moved up in rapidly, lives a great life, and is the wonderful young man he always was.
Here’s the thread where I tell about his comeback: Hey! long time posters! Guess whose kid...
Look, I can’t promise you anything, of course. But I know the most important thing–love and accept your kid. Don’t issue edicts or deadlines. Help her make good decisions as she tries to figure out what to do next Trust her. Keep the lines of communication open. Love her.
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My SIL dropped out of U. of Chicago her senior year to have a baby. She’s been a great mother and has been gainfully employed as a bookkeeper. She never did go back, but she’s had a good life. Her mother actually did exactly the same thing. (U of Chicago too!) and got her Masters of Library Science when my husband was in college. Sometimes the road is long and winding. Sometimes kids just need a breather. Sometimes there are serious mental issues and the original plan just isn’t in the cards. Honestly this is a horrible time to be in college.
Right now make sure she withdraws correctly and then give her whatever support she needs.
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My brother dropped out in his senior year of engineering at a really good school. He tried going back later to finish up at a local college, but he never completed his degree. His reasons for leaving were not related to mental health. He worked as an engineering co-op throughout college, and he just wasn’t interested anymore. He and his twin (who dropped out of the same school - from which I graduated-sophomore year) eventually started a property maintenance company. They will never be rich, and they have at times had very tight finances, but they have been happy. That is really the bottom line …
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We have had this happen too, prompted not by soul searching but the revelation that our student had unaddressed cognitive issues. Nevertheless…
Garland is correct. The most important thing, the only thing, is to not panic. Be worried, be loving, be non judgmental, but don’t panic. Don’t issues ultimatums. Don’t be ashamed, either. It’s okay to grieve a bit, but don’t be ashamed. Practice saying “she changed her plans, and we support that”.
Listen, listen, listen. Reassure her that you are on her team, and not on the team of a specific outcome. There is no timeline to meet. Try to believe that 
A lot of life is ahead of her, and she gets to drive the car of her life, not you. And I know that is really hard, and full of sleepless nights, but when this is 10 years in the rearview, what do you want to see?
It is the hardest thing. Rise to the challenge, and know that it can all be okay. Our student did eventually finish a degree and has had a completely unrelated career that has made him very happy, if not a bit more poor than a mother likes.
Hang in there. Come and vent, we are rooting for her, and you
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Sorry for the tough time. I have more experience on this topic than I’d like. For now, I’d say a high priority would be determine if some or all of the classes can be completed. If not… a “W” (withdrawal) is better than an F, but at this point it may be too late to arrange. Ideally you’d like to be in the best position if there is a change of heart down the road.
- Is it a Covid thing? Doing all the work without being in person can be tough.
- I agree that she should look into a leave of absence.
- Can she be more specific about what she doesn’t like about engineering? I knew as an electrical engineering major that I wasn’t very much into the labs and designing circuits…there are many other jobs that want a technical background but don’t require say circuit designing. I would encourage her to look at the types of jobs offered to her type of engineering. Sometimes i think people drop out because they don’t want to have to do a certain kind of work.
- As a senior, is there some kind of Senior project she has to do to graduate? Is she avoiding that?
- Is she depressed?
- Is the work load too high at that college? Finishing that degree would be the fastest way to graduate…but she could transfer.
- What is her plan for living with an “easy job”? What would you provide?
Ask her what her plan is for a car, insurance, phone, etc? Would you let her stay with you?
- Did she withdraw in the middle of the semester? Was she failing?
- is she having any boy/girlfriend issues?
I think my goal would to be a safe haven at first, and then start setting boundaries.
I think what I would require is:
- Take a leave of absence. That is not saying she has to go back, just that she has options.
- She needs to talk to a psychiatrist/counselor to evaluate for depression etc.
- She needs to look for jobs.
- You will pay for medical insurance, food, allow use of car, she can stay at your home.
- She will need to have some reasonable set chores at home.
At first you want to make sure she is mentally healthy and has some structure to her day.
After some period of time (6 mo? a year?)
I might say if this is what your life is, then it is time for her to pay rent (undermarket rent), get a car/insurance, and pay for her phone.
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