Once my D had a serious boyfriend that I knew she might marry (she did, in December) I started telling her that eloping was a perfectly viable option. The only thing I expected from her was to be told about it before she put it on social media. I told her I didn’t care if I knew after the marriage occurred, I just wanted to know before the whole world.
She didn’t want to elope and then the crazyness started.
You may get to have two weddings, @ChoatieMom . Our friend who went to West Point had a huge wedding here (bride’s home and his parents’ homes, although he went to boarding school) and another big one at West Point.
You will save money as you won’t need tuxes.
Just no.
@ChoatieMom DH and I had a small wedding, both sets of parents, his grandmother, an attendant for each of us. At the restaurant lunch afterwards, my father rubbed his hands together, chuckled, and said, “See, this is nice, no hassle, no fancy party. This is how you do it – like you’re getting a burger at Burger King!”
^^ Perfect!
^^ but he might stand out with his dress uniform and sword at Burger King.
@ChoatieMom - it can be done sensibly. A lovely reception well under $10k, complete with champagne (ahem, sparkling wine), flowers, food, and dancing in a nice facility with the view of the Sound. 
Lots of DIY involved, lots of creative cost cutting (like using a local technical college’s catering program), but the end result was worth it. Hope the little kid got the frugality gene.
When DS took the money we gifted him to invest in IRA, we thought they may elope. In the end, they still want a wedding.
But I heard there would be around 40 guests only. Mostly, only a part of their relatively small graduating class (their class size is about only 100) and very close relatives will be there. For one side of family, I think the traveling expenses to the wedding ceremony will likely be more than $5000 because they are international flights (including bride’s and groom’s flights, because they will travel to bride’s family after the wedding ceremony . Their honeymoon location is close to where her parents live.)
I think if we decided we would be willing to fly there with them (they actually invited us to be there), I would not be surprised they would have another “unofficial” wedding ceremony over there.
Yikes! Certainly will not be my $10k. Whoever DS marries needs to understand that their wedding is totally on them. We’ve been quite clear with our son that his education was our last financial gift to him.
We think it was close to $5k for the whole deal. We were writing the checks as we went along. Flowers - local farmers market. Can’t imagine she spent more than $200. Hall rental - $1200 including tables and chairs etc. Catering - $2,000. Vino - Costco. Cake - a bunch of cupcakes made by the big kid herself artfully arranged with a topper made by the little kid (she hand painted IKEA wooden figures to look like a bride and groom in lab coats). Music - big kid’s Mac playing her playlist… Photography by her buddies. Fun had by the guests - priceless. The view of the Sound - amazing.
Friends’ son is engaged. They are planning an engagement party - any input on sites to use for the invitations? Evite? Paperless post? Or others?
We (and bride’s mom) used Paperless Post for engagement party invitations. Worked well for us and we were able to easily track the responses and send reminders at relevant times.
And so it starts. My former office manager for 25 years is invited to the engagement party I’m hosting soon. He asked me to come by and pick up his gift, which is quite large. Nobody does this, as the kids live in another city. People have gifts shipped. Then again, his wife was the cheapest and worst gift giver. Two years in a row, she gave a mans brand name polo shirt in a large, when I didn’t weigh 100#. Fortunately, I can joke with the kids that this gift will make a nice donation.
We tipped each hair/makeup person (extra for the bride’s person because she did two looks), gelato servers, videographer and DJ and mailed a hefty tip and heartfelt thank you note to the wedding coordinator because we absolutely couldn’t have done the two weddings in one day thing without her. We still need to send a note and tip to the photographer.
You can look up the tipping protocol on the various wedding sites.
Don’t forget to pay your musicians and minster well. There are a few sites that say that the minster of the church is not allowed to take payments but that you should make a donation to the church. As a Protestant (Baptist, now Presbyterian), that is absolutely not true for us.
Our officiant asked for a donation to a charitable cause in his name…so that is what we did.
Our Lutheran minister asked that the check be made out to her. She is only asking $300, which seems reasonable. At first, my daughter wanted to use someone “online” that wanted $500. One of my son’s hired someone online, who was extremely entertaining, but the ceremony was not very traditional
@ChoatieMom and any others who are panicking at the thought of the costly, elaborate wedding…
I think it really does come down to the bride/groom’s personalities and cultural expectations. Our D and SIL both grew up in thrifty lower middle-class families, and I’m sure that the thought of spending over $10k never crossed their minds. They also really wanted a “real” wedding celebration with their communities around them, so no elopement.
The costs for their Midwestern, college-town wedding for 120 guests broke down as follows (per D’s master spreadsheet):
Ceremony/reception related:
– Ceremony venue (church) $1000. Included day-of ceremony coordinator and officiant fee.
– Reception venue (park with small clubhouse) $800.
– Tent + tables + chairs rental $800.
– Food/drink $1400. Meat and a couple sides from a local BBQ restaurant, salads made by family, desserts + cake catered by family friend.
– Photography $1600. Six hours of coverage from a very, very good professional wedding photographer. This was about half her normal rate-- they negotiated down by skipping the engagement shoot and asking for fewer hours.
Attire:
– Wedding dress + alterations $300. She tried on dresses at BHLDN, identified a favorite, then bought it used on eBay.
– Ties for groomsmen/groom $70 (all wore nice navy suits they already owned).
– Rings $400. Simple gold bands.
– Bridesmaids dresses $100. D was adamant that her bridesmaids should NOT have to purchase their own dresses (she’s been burned by v. expensive dress costs before), so picked a wedding color based on the nice dresses her bridesmaids already owned. Only one girl had to get a new dress (D paid).
Misc:
– Invitations $200 from Vistaprint including postage.
– Flowers $300 from Costco and a few from a local florist that D especially wanted.
– Miscellaneous decor $400 (lights, candles, etc)
No room in the budget for:
– DJ/Emcee
– Morning after brunch
– Bachelor(ette) parties in exotic locales (just had dinners in their respective hometowns, which were optional).
– Engagement photos
– Videographer
– Live music
– I’m sure there’s other stuff I can’t think of now!
The total was around $7,000, which we partially paid for. It was a simple, fun, backyard-feel wedding with plenty of delicious food, lots of sunshine, and appreciation for the many friends + family who traveled thousands of miles to be there. The (religious) ceremony was incredibly thoughtful-- full of beautiful liturgy interspersed with personal elements (readings etc.) that the bride and groom had spent many weeks planning. I’ve never seen D look so beamingly happy.
My own wedding back in the 80s was very elaborate-- I think my parents spent at least $25k (probably more!) on the live musicians, multi-course meal, designer wedding dress, etc. I loved my wedding, though. Everyone is different. And D and SIL seem blissful now, so I couldn’t ask for more.
Sorry if this is too much info! I enjoy reading some of the “real life weddings” featured on the website A Practical Wedding, so thought some others might like this one
No panic here. We aren’t paying anything for our son’s wedding; that’s all on him and his bride. What I was responding to skimming these pages is all the detail, family drama, and planning craziness. Nope. Not for me. If our son doesn’t elope and wants me and DH at his wedding, he can just send us an invite and we’ll show up (reasonably dressed).
@ducksinarow, your D’s budget is like a breath of fresh air. My husband and I were married in a restaurant with only immediate family, so obviously we did not buy into the wedding industry’s must haves.
My niece was married by the JP, and as we were sitting at the same table at another niece’s lavish 50k wedding, she said she is not any less married than her cousin.
My D will be getting married in 2020, but she hasn’t started planning yet. Stay tuned. But I think it will be somewhere in the middle.