Update–one month after the engagement. So far S and fiancee have set the date (bride’s choice), and reserved the church. I think they’ve decided on reception venue (or have it narrowed down to two–bride’s mom/bride are taking care of that). We are looking at hotels and a place for rehearsal dinner.
Maybe someone has some advice on this. In my family, we usually haven’t done formal rehearsal dinners with just the wedding party/immediate family. We have had a lot of out of town guests in the night before and have had a more casual meal that all those folks could attend. S and fiancee have decided that they just want the wedding party/immediate family. I want to let S/fiancee make the decisions, (and I assume the bride is probably used to the traditional rehearsal dinner) but I wonder if my family members who will be driving anywhere from 5-13 hours will feel that we are being cheap/bad hosts (H and I, and the rest of our kids will also be traveling long distance to the wedding/have no connections in the wedding state/city.) Is there another option that anyone has seen?–like providing something at the hotel after the dinner (snacks/dessert/beverages) or am I just complicating things? Would anyone (besides my family) be expecting the groom’s parents to host a larger event for travelers the night before the wedding? As it is, with just the wedding party and immediate family (plus any spouses/other ceremony participants) it will be about 25-30 people. Including my relatives would at least double that–or more. (Bride’s family is mostly local).
It seems to me that if you invite your family, you need to invite hers also. Even though they are mainly local, there is a perception that could be seen of being left out.
After you talked to your son/FDIL about your thinking/reasoning? I could see where people don’t want another big event that might take attention and the specialness away from the wedding day.
Maybe some very casual event after the rehearsal dinner in which all can be invited? A pizza feed or a dessert gathering at the hotel? I think that would be fun and serve the same purpose of providing some food and hospitality as well as a welcome and socializing.
With all our family weddings we have offered to help host a party, bridesmaid luncheon, shower - whatever bride wanted (all girls so far in our family). Bride has told us what she wants. For two nieces we hosted bridesmaid lunch/brunch. For most recent we went in with lots of other couples to host a wedding eve party for the younger generation that happened after rehearsal dinner. I hear another group of friends and relatives hosted a supper get together for other out of towners that didn’t fit into the young people event and weren’t involved in rehearsal dinner. The rehearsal dinner was only family/wedding party and still had 100 people. Maybe if some family or friends volunteer to host something, this is what they could do - host casual for those not at rehearsal dinner.
I might have opted for more casual rehearsal to accommodate more people but this was at a mountain venue and everyone was out of town.
We have used the “bug bling” bracelet – used it last night when I heard a mosquito buzzing in my ear when I was trying to sleep–the mosquito went away as soon as I got the bracelet out and put it near my pillow.
We use the towels too, but I’m not sure how many others will use them. I favor edibles as well, though chocolates can be problematic with heat and bugs.
For weddings, I’ve gotten bags of almonds. I like the photo booths.
Son’s bar mitzvah had computer theme, duh. I had chocolate laptops, with full keyboard, etc. not a one was left.
I think it is fine to limit the rehearsal dinner to wedding party and immediate family and not to include all out of town guests. And I come from a tradition where out of town guests often ARE included.
If the bride and groom have decided that is what they want (no big shindig the night before), I would honor that. A lot of people feel that being the center of attention at a very large event is emotionally and physically draining – no matter how joyous and casual the event. Some people need 2 or 3 days to “recover” from being in that kind of spotlight at a big event. That may be why the couple wants to keep things more quiet in the night before the wedding.
A casual pizza party after the rehearsal dinner would be nice but I wouldn’t press it. The couple would feel the need to make an appearance at the event and it may just be too much for them.
Guests won’t mind either way. The important thing is to communicate the plans clearly and early so that people can make travel plans. If you are NOT hosting an event for out of town guests on the night before the wedding, you could either ask a few close relatives to get the word out that the guests will be free that night, or, if the couple is having a wedding website they could have a section of “suggested restaurants for out of town guests” for Friday night or something like that. That helps to extinguish any lingering question about whether a rehearsal dinner invitation might be forthcoming. And make sure you tell the guests who ARE invited to the rehearsal that the dinner will be small.
I hate it when I get a “save the date” for an out of town wedding and I don’t know if there are going to be associated events. Once I know that the wedding is the only event, it’s fine (great, even); it is the uncertainty that makes it difficult to plan, The tricky thing is that it is hard to communicate that you won’t be having an event that some people might be wondering about.
D1’s future in-laws only want to do rehearsal dinner for the wedding party and grandparents. D1 kind of vetoed that because most of the guests will be from out of town and she thought it would be rude not to have anything for them, so she is either going to convince the in-laws to do it or she and her fiancee are going to host a welcome party after the rehearsal dinner. I told her that I wasn’t going to host a welcome party AND a wedding AND a brunch.
Our invitations will list all events for the weekend and ask guests to check off events they will attend, but we wouldn’t put them on the “save the date.”
If the point of the Save-the-Dates is to give people enough advance notice to make travel plans before receiving the invitations, then I think it is courteous to let guests know that there will be an event Friday night and Sunday morning (assuming a Saturday night wedding) at the time of the Save-the-Dates.
Otherwise, you’ll have some people making travel plans based on the assumption that there is a Friday night event and some making plans on the assumption that there is not.
We West-Coasters who travel East for weddings are especially sensitive to this because the plans will be quite different depending on whether there is an evening event on the night of arrival.
Finally have a chance to share about D2 and her groom’s special wedding festivities from this past weekend in New York City.
On Saturday, there was a lovely pre-wedding soiree hosted by the groom’s parents from Ohio. It was at a small restaurant near where D2 and groom live in Brooklyn and the guests were the entire wedding party/attendants, friends who sang at the wedding, and both of our immediate families. We had the venue to ourselves and it was a lot of fun to be with everyone. I gave a toast and the groom’s dad did too.
Sunday was their big day and the weather could not have more perfect! It was in the very low 70s, sunny pure blue skies, and low humidity. This was advantageous as the photo shoot prior to the wedding was all outdoors; plus there were times at the celebration to be able to go outside on patios right on the water.
Their wedding was held at Battery Gardens Restaurant, which is in Battery Park on the tip of Manhattan, right by the water, with views of the Statue of Liberty. It was just a gorgeous setting and picture perfect. The wedding party and families gathered for a variety of portraits outdoors prior to the wedding in the afternoon. The wedding began at 5:30 PM.
I know I am biased, but my daughter really looked beautiful. I had been with her when she had selected her bridal attire. It really was just what she wanted and “her.” She was wearing three pieces, an ivory bustier, an ivory vintage lace crop top, and an ivory tulle full length skirt, all from BHLDN. She did not want a veil or headpiece. Her long hair was done by the hair stylist who did her every night this past year for an Off Broadway show she was in. She wore it half up, half down, with loose braiding going to the back of her head, and her long locks curled/wavy. She stuck pieces of what was like baby’s breath (literally off the bushes outside the venue!) into the braid that went around the back. She did not want dress shoes and she wanted to be comfortable. She had custom made Keds in ivory! My D did not wish to carry flowers and so there were none.
The groom looked super handsome in a fabulous grey suit that was a modern style that looked terrific on him. The color scheme for the bridal attendants was burgundy with gold accents, but each young woman picked out any dress of their own choosing bought on their own, none matching. D1 was Matron of Honor and D2’s best friend was the Maid of Honor. The groom’s brother was the Best Man. Siblings and best friends from childhood and college rounded out the bridal party.
It was nice for me that my entire family was gathered, which we had not been in a long while…my brothers from NJ and Alaska, and all my kids’ first cousins had come from all over. My daughters’ paternal grandfather, who is 90, the only living grandparent, also came.
My daughter, the bride, gave me two notes she had written to me prior to the ceremony, and I was a gushing mess reading her very heartfelt meaningful messages to me.
The ceremony was conducted by the groom’s best friend from college, who got the certification to do so. It was held on the upper floor of the restaurant which overlooks the sea. The kids did not want the ceremony to be traditional. The ceremony was so fabulous…totally THEM! It was a mix of funny moments and words and serious and meaningful ones too. The groom’s 4 year old niece was a flower girl who dropped rose pedals and then the bride and groom entered. My D’s close friend, whom she went to college with and has been on Broadway, sang a Stevie Wonder song beautifully as the couple entered. Various attendants had parts in the ceremony that were meaningful. They mentioned the absence of their 3 grandparents who have passed on, and their mentor who died this year. The bride and groom had written their own vows. They did Rock/Paper/Scissors to decide who should go first. As many here may know, my daughter has performed in front of people countless times her entire life (she is a professional performer who studied musical theater at NYU/Tisch). But when it came time to reading her original vows, she broke down and cried over and over again until she was able to get through it. I was surprised, but then it made me cry! The groom, also an alum of NYU/Tisch and a professional comedic actor, started out funny and ended up with a very loving message to my daughter. Then the officiant proclaimed them married and stated: “you may kiss the groom!” Then, they stomped on the glass! Right after that, my D’s very talented friend (also from college and has been on Broadway), sang Ain’t No River High Enough and everyone started to join in!
Next, was the cocktail hour on the lower level of the restaurant with hors d’ouevres. Adjoining that space was a big patio by the water and people also went out there. It got really spectacular as the sunset came and everyone was shooting pictures of the couple and also of the sunset with the Statue of Liberty.
The dinner and partying took place on the upper level of the restaurant which was done over during the cocktail party interim. There were about 110 guests. The majority were friends of the groom and/or the bride…some going back to childhood, some from camp, many from college, and also from their professional lives. And then each family had the aunts/uncles/cousins. I knew mostly everyone. Let me just add that the collective talent in that room was so outstanding that if each of them had performed, it would have been like an all night all star concert. But alas, this is not what happened. There were stations with delicious food and an open bar. Toasts were given by D1, sister of the bride, and by the brother of the groom. After eating, there was dancing with a DJ. However, there was a break in that for a little “performance” that was terrific. It was emceed by the Maid of Honor, also a professional singer/actor. A song was sung by my D’s close friend, a guy who is also in her band, and they had a piano too. Then, D’s close pal, a bridesmaid (also a professional performer), performed Stevie Wonder’s I’ll Be Loving You, backed up by 3 friends (it was like college a cappella heaven except there was accompaniment). Everyone went crazy! Then, for the bride and groom’s first dance, the Maid of Honor (also a Tisch alum and professional performer, who goes way back with my D to childhood at theater camp) sang Make Someone Happy, accompanied on piano by a talented musical theater composer who was a former classmate of my D’s at NYU… I cried through this gorgeous rendition as the couple also lovingly danced. The rest of the night was more dancing and partying! So many people said it was the best wedding they had ever been to. It looked like people were having a good time!
D and her groom completely did ALL the planning of their wedding themselves, despite their busy lives. But both are good at directing and organizing things. D told me the next day that it was the best wedding she could have ever imagined. I am truly thrilled it all went as they had hoped and am especially overjoyed at how happy they are and to gain this young man as a son-in-law!
The next morning, I met up with the newlyweds and my SIL’s parents, along with his sister, BIL, and their 1 year old, for breakfast, and the kids opened some cards and presents. The next day, they left for Hawaii, where they are now! <3
Now, both my daughters are married!
Thanks for sharing, @soozievt. I enjoyed reading about your daughter’s unique, fun, and beautiful sounding wedding. What a great job she did with what sounds like a very busy schedule. You must be on cloud 9 after such a great weekend.
DD’s wedding had Custom made Koozies with a logo, names and the date on them. These were practical, since we were serving drinks in bottles, everyone needed a Koozie to keep their drinks cold! We ended with a bunch leftover since some folks forgot to take them with… but they were appreciated.
My daughter did not have favors. But neither did I 39 years ago.
sozzievt - what a wonderful wedding. Congratulations!!! Sat was a beautiful day, a very good beginning for the couple.
@soozievt - Your daughters wedding sounds like it was unique and personal - just like she wanted it. I’m glad it turned out so well.
That’s a great idea. Although we’ve lived here almost 20 years, we are not from this area and neither are the grooms family. That means, that except for local and high school friends, the majority of the wedding guests will need to travel to get here and will be spending one or two nights. However, the grooms family wants to host just a small wedding party only rehearsal dinner. We don’t have any family here that could host an alternative dinner for that night. We’ve been thinking of how to do something with all of those guests, but it is a little awkward.
@soozievt, what a wonderful story to share with us! The only way it could have been better is if you could have embedded video 
Thanks CC friends! It was really wonderful all the way around.
PS, it was on Sunday, not Saturday.
@soozievt, what an incredible wedding! Just fabulous. I bet that many of us are wishing we could have been a fly on the wall, so to speak.
@walkinghome If you are using a hotel for block of rooms see if they will throw in a meeting room (or book one) to use as hospitality suite. That was also done at one niece’s wedding and gave everyone at the hotel a place to hang out. Can stock it with water and beverages and snacks. You could even do some sandwich trays and get a friend to “staff” it during a certain time.