Congrats on the happy news, @mom60! Sending an email or letter is a lovely thing to do. I did that.
We want to give a fairly generous sum for the wedding. Don’t want to step on any toes but I don’t want them to feel limited. I feel we should let them know early in the process so they can plan accordingly, I’m leaning towards just telling my S and letting him share with his fiancé over telling them together.
Best favors we ever got at a wedding…
Bride and family had five or six HUGE jars filled with all,sorts of small wrapped candies. These were placed on a table in the foyer…and bags and twist ties were provided. Guests were told they could scoop a bag of candy to take home. It was fun.
Re: table favors…skip them. I have left them on the table at every wedding I’ve attended this year. What a waiste!
That sounds like a good plan. If her parents are planning to be actively involved in planning and paying for the wedding, it is probably best to limit your contribution to half the total amount (i.e. match but not exceed their contribution). If her parents are leaving it up to the couple, then I don’t think you have to worry about exceeding their contribution.
Then again, I could be completely off base.
We were just at a wedding this weekend. Oops- left the favors box on the table.
@mom60 Congrats! I think GosD appreciated that we told them early on what we were giving them, as I assume it did factor into their planning. Secretly hoping they aren’t blowing it all on the wedding…but it’s a gift, so their choice 
My lips are sealed…
Congratulations, @mom60! It is very nice of you to offer your S and future DIL with wedding expenses.
My dear niece recently got engaged to a wonderful young man. His parents offered to pay for the flowers and the photographer. Nice!
You might want to discuss the basics of the wedding and your expectations with the couple. If you expect them to invite 8 million of your friends and relatives, you might think you are giving a very generous amount. If they were planning a very small but expensive wedding, it might throw their plans off. Talk about it, find out what they want.
We had some family friends whose son was getting married. They find out it is ‘tradition’ for the grooms family to pay the bar bill, and that her family is inviting half the town. That changed their entire way of thinking of a small wedding. They invited the other half of the town. It was a blast.
It might also throw their plans off if they were planning to go to City Hall.
I agree that clear communication would be best. It would be ideal to have no strings attached to the financial gift. However, if you have them, best to be clear about them.
For me personally, if I was giving a large monetary gift to my child who is to be married, I’d let them know that they didn’t need to spend it - any or all - on a wedding but could invest it, use it for a down payment on a home, etc. as well.
We gave S1 and DIL a large monetary gift well before the wedding with no strings attached. They were free to use it for the wedding (which they were totally paying for), honeymoon, savings, to help furnish their house (they moved cross-country 7 months before the wedding), or whatever they wanted to do with it. They’ve been married a year and we have no idea what they did with the money, nor do we care to know. They were quite appreciative of receiving it though.
My husband and I gave our daughter a monetary gift when she got engaged, no strings attached. I would not describe it as large, though.
Those who are more generous than we are may need to remember the $14,000-a-year limit on how much you can give a person without being taxed. It might be necessary to divide an exceptionally large gift between two years or between the two members of the couple or both.
Well, if as a parent you are married, each of you can give to your child and to your DIL or SIL, which could make it much more than $14K per year. So, $14K x 4 = $56K per year.
Also, the $14K per year is a reporting threshold not a taxation threshold. You can give more per year but it would fall under the lifetime exemption. Here’s a link that explains it fairly well:
http://www.schwab.com/public/schwab/nn/articles/Tax-Free-Gift-Limits-How-Much-Money-Can-You-Give
Remember, that if you are married, you AND your spouse can EACH give $14k to any recipient for a total of $28k per recipient. You can give more than the annual exclusion, but you will have to fill out a gift tax form and file it with the IRS. No actual tax is due at the time of gift (unless it is really, really large and exceeds lifetime exclusion), but the IRS will put it in a folder somewhere, and it will be counted against your lifetime estate tax exemption which is currently $5.45M per person, if I recall that number correctly.
ETA - what doschicos said.
And you can tell the “kids” that you have x amount of dollars for them, that they can send any vendor bills that they want to you for payment and whatever is left over at the end will be given to them as a gift. To the extent that anyone is concerned about exceeding their lifetime gift tax exemption, just another option.
I know some people have put funds aside for DD’s wedding, and some even have funds saved for helping with DS’s wedding.
Interesting caller on Dave Ramsey had my wheels turning a bit on thinking of wedding budget. The gal calling is having to pay for her wedding (fiance and her), she had $4,000 saved, and plans to spend $5,000 total. Very thin budget, so I imagine cake/punch reception, and maybe finger sandwiches.
Don’t know if this is recent averages, but the average spent on a wedding in the US is $28,000 or so.
The average income in the US is about $55,000.
Certainly also depends on head count. I do expect to have a pretty thin family/friend list from parents of bride and parents of groom, with more room for the couple’s friends - unless we do find more budget to add more guests.
Since we are over 59.5, we are pulling some $$ out of retirement to pay for the wedding. We do expect the couple to ‘have some skin’ in the wedding, esp if they have a high head count and the dinner costs are above what we want to spend. Some things need to fall into place before we have that discussion. Then DD needs to decide if she wants the wedding dress she has picked out, or if she wants to settle for something less costly. DD and FSIL do need to determine what is important for them.
Well planned, well thought out with meaning is what we are hoping for. This is our first run at it as parents. No worries about being ‘over the top’, but would like for guests to say ‘that was really a lovely event.’
As long as you are willing to put in some sweat equity, I think you can do a wedding for 50-100 people for $5K without it being just punch/cake/finger sandwiches. You’d need to have access to a venue that is free/inexpensive, you’d have to forgo a wedding dress that costs thousands, but it can be done. People do it all the time but it will require creativity and some do-it-yourself.
I just looked at a public golf course in my area that hosts functions/weddings. They have luncheon menus plated/buffet ranging from $19-25 per person and dinner menus plated/buffet from $25-32 per person. Just as an example of reception pricing for something moderate.
Things are ‘heating up’ - DD and FSIL finish the engagement weekend Sunday afternoon, and will be with us Sunday dinner/night and into Monday. FSIL I believe wants to ask H for DD’s hand (opportunity for H to talk with FSIL, the one time “man to man”). Get ring to store for sizing.
I asked if instead of coming here, the weekend will turn out to where things won’t move forward, and DD said “no chance of that happening”. Ha ha, just had to throw that in there. “They are determined” as they say in the old movies (like 7 Brides for 7 Brothers when Adam and Millie got married).
A good chance to sit down and talk wedding budget, what contribution (if any) from his parents, what they as a couple expect to contribute above our budget. Talk about what all needs to fall into place on their jobs/careers. Do not expect delay from July 2017 wedding date. We have only this one opportunity for the four of us sit down to have this clear discussion - then they are mostly in control. DD has been advanced money outside of the wedding budget, so this needs to be addressed.
DD has already told me she has created a spread sheet for people they want to invite.
We plan to have late morning wedding, with early afternoon lunch - imagine it may be buffet, but need to see about who they select. DD actually has some good leads on this.
I do think we will have reservation block at a suite hotel and a lesser priced hotel. Can discuss what they want for a dinner the night before (for out of area guests) and how to work that into the budget numbers.
We have money for a nice wedding, and are willing to dip a little more than we say as budget if it makes a difference. But that will be close to wedding date, and only if needed. The couple has to begin their life together as we did - realistically.
We live in a moderate priced venue location. Believe we can bring down a few of the costs (eliminating church use fee and reducing the church hall fee to what others charge) - once we can discuss with presiding/in charge priest.
We asked S how much DIL’s parents were contributing because we are much wealthier than they are. We then gave them a check with no strings attached. Spend on the wedding, honeymoon, or save it. I think they spent it all on the wedding, but their day, their way. Low cost flowers, invites, programs, wedding site; high cost open bar, photographer, video, DJ (who was worth EVERY dime–one of the best ever).
Our gift did not include the rehearsal dinner, the men’s suits (we also paid for one groomsman), the hotel (us plus one groomsman’s room). By the time I added in dresses, makeup/hair for D1 and D2, shoes, I think my total was another $3K.
S and DIL were thrilled with their wedding day and enjoyed it tremendously!
Average amount contributed by parents?
No matter the amount I think one of my kids would put it into the wedding and the other would put it in the bank and go to city hall.