<p>Life is long. No one says you have to graduate from college in your early 20’s. Is he interested in girls? That might actually help as it would serve as a motivator. Right now, he feels no compunction to do anything but enjoy what tickles his fancy at the moment (and wallow in his depression; BTW, can that be treated somehow?), but once he gets to his late 20’s, he’ll likely realize that living at home with the parents really isn’t that cool; that he won’t get a girl if he stays with the parentfolks with no education and no job; that he needs a job to live by himself; that he needs to pick up skills/an education in order to do that.</p>
<p>He’s his own person; try as you might, you can’t live his life for him, so just let go of whatever you’ve invested emotionally in to him. Love him, but he’ll have to find his own way himself. Take a wry view of the world.</p>
<p>Try to get him to stay away from the TV (maybe cut off cable to the house) and tell him to code something or invent something. He can try a bunch of MOOCs online for free (and MIT’s OCW–OpenCourseWare–is free). I wouldn’t spend money on his education right now.</p>
<p>Oh, and make him work to get internet access, cable, new clothes, etc. Basically, everything besides room and board. Job at WalMart or whatever. Something that ties in effort with reward in his brain. Maybe urge him to take some econ classes as well. The depression’s a bummer, but probably could be lessened with confidence which comes through acheivement. What does the doctor say about him working?</p>
<p>OP - could he re-take some of the classes he did poorly in at a community college? That might help him get back into a program that would help him achieve his long-term goals.</p>
<p>Any patterns in the types of classes that gave him the most(or least) trouble, or for semesters in which he did poorly? </p>
<p>Nervousmom, if you’ve been asked to step out for awhile because of poor performance and you return for a second chance and you are asked to leave for good, you can pretty much guess that no grades are good. The OP’s son is 23…presumably at least 4 or 5 years out of high school and his head is not on academia right now. Fix the depression, tell him to get a job so he has a fixed routine and learns how to survive on his own and pay his way and wait until he “grows up” - if the physician is saying he’s “infantile” he has much to fix before thinking about college again. If he wants to take a class he should pay for it for starters and he should pick the class, then it’s all on him. </p>
<p>OP, I think you need a place to vent to real people. Because you aren’t alone and you aren’t the only person who has ever been disappointed with the track of their child’s life – but you need to find a way forward that isn’t full of anger and resentment and panic. I don’t blame you for feeling any of those things, but they are not long-term solutions. </p>
<p>Your son should pay rent, and work. Make it clear to him that it is a condition of adult life that we support ourself, or at least attempt to do so. It’s not about punishment for flunking out – it’s about you can’t spend your life on your parent’s couch. I disagree with those who say he will figure it out. That’s not how ADHD and Depression work. He is incapacitated and unable to plan, or execute those plans. He is dis-abled. Provide a framework (household chores due each day, job search goals, job secured date) and hold him to it. Cut out the want ad, tell him to call within X days. Check up on him. Put a dispassionate distance between yourself and these new standards (I called it the “helpless me” face. “I am just helpless to change these rules, so let’s get to it”.) Think of it as not negotiating with a 2 year old about playing in the street – you aren’t mad at them for not knowing, but you aren’t about to change your mind. If you have to, cancel the cable, or unplug it for X hours a day. Is that a pain? Absolutely! But if you don’t do something more proactive than just wait, you are sacrificing yourself and your peace of mind. He might go back to school. He might not. That’s up to him, and in the meantime, there needs to be Some Reason To Get Up.</p>
<p>Good way to put it. I wasn’t sure about the depression thing, so I didn’t know how hard to push, but he does need to make the connection effort=reward. </p>
<p>“He keeps saying his goals are to finish college and get a good job and make good money.” </p>
<p>Those are vague generic goals, and not really enough to justify a “college is necessary” stance.</p>
<p>
So true! </p>
<p>OP, your son’s temporary 16-week job sounds like it will be very good for him. Of course, the therapy/meds idea (and why does at least on poster here automatically think meds are necessary?) will have to be put on hold…or will he agree to see a therapist where he lives? Does he have a car for the 16-week job? </p>
<p>Your experience will tell you that time will go by fast. He was 18 and is now 23 without significant skills. I don’t know him, but you have to many options, try listening to 5 and make a decision. Here, You need a long term plan that you can chop into small milestones. This way after 5 years he won’t be in the same situation because he failed to plan early. If he likes biology and computers, I suggest he gets involved in independent study, learn database computing and SQL (the program language). He will have a skill set, if he is as smart as you say he will find new important discoveries manipulating data, he can study on weekends and evenings. He can enroll in the many brick and mortar programs at private microsoft computer training companies (tip: tuition is negotiable up to 50% because that will be the rate paid by corporations or government), or adult continuing education classes at colleges, or online self study which would be the most likely to fail process. </p>
<p>Job training funds are often available at the unemployment office. 12 months he’ll be employable or can do contract work, 5 years he’ll have an expertise.</p>
<p>I strongly recommend, if you go this route, to link up beforehand with your local sql server group (association) like</p>
<p>find a mentor there , or someone at least willing to speak with you about your son his goal. Maybe he can get an associate membership eventually.</p>
<p>The end goal is that he will have an accomplished skill set in demand by employers, and be proud of it. Additionally, if he is brilliant, he will be able to conduct independent data analysis and research, perhaps even publish as a secondary venture. He’ll never run out of ways to be creative or get bored.</p>
<p>Also, have him start a company soon after his training so he will reduce his employment gap, be able to solicit contract work and have something to put on his resume. If you get funding from job training programs, start the company afterward so as not to be disqualified.</p>
<p>@momofthreeboys -I went back and noticed that OP says he did poorly even when he passed classes. So, I guess everything’s relative, even degree of ADHD or depression. I was thinking that based on what I have seen on these boards and IRL among ADHD/ depressed students, even with lots of bad grades, he must have had a few B’s or even A’s mixed in for the college to have allowed him to stay so long? Or that there might have been classes in which he would have done very well, had his ADHD or depression not figured in, or been better accomodated? </p>
<p>I also see that cptofthehouse mentioned that this student cannot really afford any more false starts, and should proceed slowly and deliberately, and I think this is very good advice, whether the ultimate goal is a four year degree or preparation for entering a trade. I think what most people do not realize about traditional four year schools with high graduation rates and highly selective admissions is that it is very hard to slow things down if a student develops unanticipated medical issues or is not quite prepared to pursue their chosen major as taught at these schools. It can also be difficult to leave voluntarily once a student is no longer in good standing and has achieved upperclass status.</p>
<p>Such schools generally require a student to take a full course load every semester to remain in good standing and a student who would do well with a lower courseload for any number of reasons can find themselves in a difficult spot. If a student changes majors along the way, this can add to the presure even if the new major is a good choice, as they might need to cram classes ideally spread out over four years into a few semesters before graduation. A school that accomodates lots of non-traditional students might be a better fit for a "four year"degree, even if it is a larger school. </p>
<p>Still, in choosing the next move I would look at strengths as well as shortcomings and interests. Surely something went well?</p>
<p>That 16 week job sounds like a very good idea, and will surely get him away from cable and video games for most of the day and ideally give him something besides school to put on his resume. So do Sohoist’s suggestions for a long term plan that can be reduced to incremental milestones. </p>
<p>@utzybuzzy @purpletitan I thought it was very coincidental the German article PurpleTitan shared, by link, was an about an apprentice program for SQL Database and the programmer. The food for thought in this post is that a database coordinator is unlike a application programmer in .net, vb, python, c++ or c. </p>
<p>Careers in Database Management are highly utilitarian, and valued. Job markets also extends into the public systems in government: federal, city, county. So while the tech avenue for application development might be highly concentrated in major urban areas, suburban and rural counties will multiply the market of database job opportunities throughout the country. Think about public utilities, waste management, tax offices, DMV, permitting, anything you inventory or have a customer or constituent.</p>