<p>D was dropped off at her State U on Friday--almost literally, as she could not get us out of there fast enough. 25 hours later, she's calling to say she'd lost her id (which has meal plan, dining dollars, and charging privileges connected to it so reporting it ASAP is crucial) and wants us to tell her what to do. My response to ask someone there what to do wasn't satisfying her, but I left her with that after trying to talk her out of skipping the orientation to a program to which she was on her way (by suggesting she might be able to find someone there who would know what to do); no more than 25 minutes later, she's calling again--after already having left the program orientation (never giving it a chance)--and says she's on her way back to her room. For my peace of mind I'd looked up what to do on the University website, so, thinking she was in a panic about it, I told her I'd e-mail her the info from the website about what to do.</p>
<p>I guess she wasn't in a panic but apparently had something going on that she thought would be more fun than the orientation, because today she called, not having done anything about it and wanting me to notify the card office. I said it was her responsibility, but she was full of excuses both as to why she hadn't done it and why she couldn't do it now. I ended up essentially hanging up on her. I checked the logs for the e-mail account to which I sent it, and she has checked her e-mail in the interim not once but twice, so all she would have had to do was click a link in the material I e-mailed to report it. I have no clue why she wouldn't have done so. </p>
<p>This is not the girl I knew in high school, who was responsible and organized beyond her years. Anyone have any insight or advice? Thanks.</p>
<p>I think it's important to realize that she's now an adult in college, and the best thing that you can do to help her make eventually a transition to being a fully independent adult is for you to empower her to solve her own problems</p>
<p>Unless there's a real emergency -- such as she has been assaulted -- do not try to solve her problems for her. Ask questions like, "What do you think would be the best way to handle this?" and unless her answer would be harmful, empower her to follow through with her ideas.</p>
<p>In the situation that you describe, you are right that she needs to notify the card office. When she gets hungry and broke, she will. Meanwhile, you needn't worry about it as you know very well that she isn't going to allow herself to starve.</p>
<p>I don't suggest that you give her extra money in the interim. If it ends up that money is missing from the account, I suggest that you teach her adult responsibility by holding her responsible for it, which could mean that if you replace the money, you'll expert her to pay you back in a reasonable amount of time, which could be via a decreased allowance or via earnings from a campus or summer job.</p>
<p>If you continue to be willing to step in and try to solve her problems as you attempted to do yesterday, she'll happily turn things over to you because that's the easiest thing for her to do, but she won't grow up. Time to set a boundary now so she realizes what it means to be a young adult.</p>
<p>advice...be less available for rescues.<br>
HOWEVER, if you want to check the card ask abotu its use. If no use then it is prob ok in her laundry basket somewhere.</p>
<p>I think our connected society leads them to call us instead of figuring it out....at least for some kids. As for the orientation....let her make those decisions ...its ok. She maybe getting advice from kids who have attended. Some times they are helpful and some not. LOOK on the bright side....she isn't unhappy it sounds, just a little unorganized....and she isnt' crying to you that she hates it.</p>
<p>Northstarmom, I didn't and don't think I stepped in to solve her problem yesterday--it still exists, doesn't it? In my mind, I just gave her a tool which she apparently decided not to use that could also serve as a model for future solutions to help her transition to being fully on her own. Otherwise I'm in complete agreement with you about the consequences (which given that she lost it in a food court and not a laundry basket could be significant.) Ironically, it's the kind of thing we'd have had her take care of on her own even in high school (although we would have given her advice right away on how to do it.)</p>
<p>We're probably getting ahead of ourselves (and that's why I decided to post on CC, to see if others had similar experiences) but we're wondering if this is likely to be a one-time glitch or a pattern; my mind keeps replaying stories about kids who went away to college and changed drastically with all the new freedoms. Most of the ones I know had been under pretty strict parental rules at home; we were definitely middle-of-the road in that, and she had never pressed against them, but H (who admittedly had gotten more protective in the last couple of weeks before she left) already seems worried about more than the ID card.</p>
<p>Atlmom, you're right about the bright side. Thanks for reminding me of it.</p>
<p>I think it will be a pattern if you let it become a pattern -- if when she calls, you make efforts to solve a problem that she could solve on her own, you'll be training her to call and leave her problems in your hands. If you're not available or reflect her problem back to her, she'll probably not keep calling with these type of problems because she'll realize that calling you won't solve the problem; her taking action will solve the problem.</p>
<p>I know that if there had been cell phones and the Internet back when I was in college, I probably would have become a mistress of being able to dump my problems in my mom's lap. I could be a consummate drama queen to get others to take care of my concerns. Because I wasn't able to reach Mom that easily when I was in college, I learned to handle my own problems. </p>
<p>On the subject of freshmen changing in college: Typically students do party a lot fall of freshmen year particularly if they haven't had a chance before to make decisions about how late to stay out, etc. Often midterm exams and papers are what bring them back down to earth so they learn how to balance the fun and studying.</p>
<p>I think it's clear that, since she didn't take your advice, Mystery, your daughter was not actually seeking it but rather she was venting and sharing her drama with her mama. I could see myself doing exactly as you did, Mystery, however, since you have afforded me the opportunity to foresee such an issue, I will simply listen and empathize. ;) Thanks for sharing your experience!</p>
<p>It is so hard sometimes for all of us on these boards to assess a situation on so little information. (Though in some cases, the problem leaps out and is fairly clear.) This email is somewhere in the middle - it could point toward some problems adjusting to college, it could be just that rough first few weeks of adjustment that will iron out all on its own as long as you don't get overly involved.</p>
<p>Getting "panicked" phone calls from a now young adult away at college is actually very normal! It sounds like you handled it well - you listened and gave her a simple redirection (instead of trying to solve it). Sometimes the son/daughter just needs to vent and dump all of their emotions in the phone call. They will often hang up the phone and just go on with their day as if nothing bad is happening - hang out with friends, go to some even more fun than orientation, etc. Only you, the parent, really gets to experience that private moment of panic - and it sticks with the parent and the child has more or less forgotten it!</p>
<p>It sounds like you did the research to email your daughter a "link"? If so, that might have been more hand-holding than necessary. Primarily because it took away your daughter's chance to ask someone else for advice and/or deal with the appropriate adminstrative offices... she really needs to gain this skill on her own in order to do well in college. She needs to know how to get around the college website (phone numbers, offices, names, professor hours, admin officers, etc). She needs to feel confident enough to ask roommates, hallmates, classmates, RAs, advisors, whomever for whatever. If you are sending her links or connecting her with information that she could have EASILY found on her own... then I think that is too much hand holding. So, I caution you to resist that urge to swoop in and help - sometimes no matter how tiny. </p>
<p>Psychologically it is problematic - because what you are telling your daughter via your actions (email link) is "You're right - you can't figure it out - here, I found the link for you" - thus reaffirming her helplessness. By not doing those little things, even though she might emotionally flail a bit, you reeforce the message of "yes, you can!"</p>
<p>Our son also was a bit bizarre (compared to his former self) for the first few weeks of college. Looking back, I attribute it to stress, excitement, a bit of uncertainty (for which he occasionally overcompensated), and a very full life. </p>
<p>I'd get the call about some "big" problem, talk him through it, then not hear from him for days. I continued to worry, of course. Then when we finally talked and I asked about the "big" problem, it had been solved long ago, it had never been "big" according to his recollection, and it never occurred to him to share that info. LOL. Turns out to be very typical.</p>
<p>He had no idea there was anything bizarre going on on his end. It was all me, of course.</p>
<p>Many kids will go a bit crazy the first few weeks of school - people to hang out with 24/7, so many parties and events to go to. They may appear a bit irresponsible at first (taking care of ID card vs going to a party or getting some sleep, guess which one wins). </p>
<p>Rest assured, your responsible, level headed daughter is not going to all of sudden turn into a crazy, irresponsible person. I would help her more in the beginning to make sure she is on the right track. I also do not think you are being overbearing by giving her the link to report her lost ID. I could tell you that it took a while for me to navigate through my daughter's school website. It is the most un-userfriendly site I have ever seen. Now, she is much better at it than I am.</p>
<p>They are not always going to reach out to us. As a matter of fact, my older daughter hardly ever asks me for help any more, and I kind of miss it. She is going to get an internship for next summer and arrange for a semester in Australia on her own.</p>
<p>Laughing at timely's post. At least your's called. Mine just came home from a WalMart run with 2 12 packs and another $50 worth of "room food."</p>
<p>If my child called and said she lost her meal card (which costs me more than $2000 a semester) you can be darn sure I would be checking on how to get it replaced before it was used.</p>
<p>Mine was at school for maybe 3 weeks when he called to say he had 102 fever and some other worrisome symptoms, went to the health clinic and returned to his dorm (singe room) since the doctor wasn't available. He was "resting" so he could catch a later train up to Boston for the football game... Now, my son never tells us stuff so I knew in his mind, he was being cautious (and he has dealt with many medical incidents so we don't panic). I took a deep breath and asked him, "since I don't want your RA to find you delirious or dead in a few days, do you want ME to call him and have him check on you or will you ask him to?" He started to argue about the need to involve anyone, but after a minute, he gave a big sigh and said he'd talk to him.</p>
<p>I heard from him the next night, saying he was taken by ambulance to the hospital - where it turns out he had pneumonia. Apparently they wanted to admit him but he refused. He agreed to stay for IV antibiotics throughout the day/evening but insisted he had to be back for a test on Monday... </p>
<p>I did get him to agree to text me, twice daily, just to let me know if he was ok. Otherwise I would come. He texted the words "I'm fine", nothing more. Just what I expected. At least I knew he was alive.</p>
<p>AHHHHH. Kids. They drive us nuts.</p>
<p>Oh, he didn't have any money on him. Luckily, the school provided a voucher for the taxi ride back to his dorm.</p>
<p>mystery, S1 (now a senior) has lost his ID at least 4 times since he's been at college. Wish I could say it was out of character but it's not,lol. It's really not hard to get them replaced although it does usually cost $$. Your D will figure it out pretty quick that you can't really do it for her.</p>
<p>We dropped S2 off last Sat. On Sun. he called to ask if I could remember the location where he was to pick up his preordered textbooks. I truly couldn't remember so told him to find someone and ask. DH talked to him on Tues. and asked if he got his books. Of course he said "yes". If they have to do it, they will eventually. I told S2 one of the biggest lessons I learned in college was the value of not being shy about asking questions.</p>
<p>I agree with those posters who say that kids should solve most of their college problems themselves.</p>
<p>However, this problem is an exception. </p>
<p>I think you need to make sure your daughter realizes that until she does something to get that lost card inactivated, anyone who picks it up could use it to charge large purchases (such as an entire semester's worth of textbooks) at the college store. It might be necessary to point out to your daughter that she would be responsible for paying the resulting bills.</p>
<p>For college students, most of whom have never had any kind of charge card before, the implications of a lost ID card may not be obvious.</p>
<p>I'm a big believer in having my kids solve their own problems, but I remember the first days at a large and unfamiliar campus as somewhat overwhelming back in my college days. oldfort and Marian are right in their assessments of my motivations: the website is extremely hard to navigate and, although I wanted her to solve her problem, I was keying in on the implications of the loss in a very public place and the associated charging privileges when I sent link to the part of the website that applied. It's been 6 hours since today's call, so I'm hoping no news is good news and that she took care of it. If not, it could be quite an expensive lesson.</p>
<p>And the reason I'm bothered that she apparently blew off the program orientation is that I also did the same kind of thing when I was in college and know it can be a lot harder to make the connections down the line, but I do know it's her life and she has to learn those kinds of things from experience. </p>
<p>Finally, oldfort, I can relate to more of your story as well; this year her older brother is picking up details of his life in ways I couldn't have envisioned when he was a college freshman. I just need to remind myself of the need for patience and trust--that this too shall pass. Thanks.</p>
<p>mystery -- Try not to read too much into it (and don't let H do that either!) While losing the card can be a big deal, we all have done things like that. She's adjusting -- she'll be great. If she is basically level-headed, so shall she remain.<br>
As we were setting up D's room, we actually talked about stuff like that . . . "Where is your cell phone going to be in here when you're not using it?" "Where are you going to keep that dorm key?" -- not as a parental check-up thing, but because I was truly curious. I am very dependent on my own routine at home and just thought she would need to establish a new one ASAP. I HATE those mornings I can't find my car keys because I didn't leave them in the same old place.</p>
<p>My S1 lost card and lost room key and lost box key all in the first month. I never knew about it until a mid-semester statement came and there was a $50 charge for the card and $15 for the room key. Needless to say, I told my son to get his rear over to the bursur's office and pay the charges. I think this (disorganization) is quite common until the kids "get in the groove" and figure out how to juggle such items. Mine ended up punching his card and putting the card and all his keys including his car key on a prominent bright colored lanyard as "his" solution.</p>
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<p>Your D will figure it out pretty quick that you can't really do it for her>></p>
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<p>Yep...at my kids' schools, they won't even talk to me about these things. They are in the KIDS' names. The kids need to deal with it.</p>
<p>One of my kids lost his keys AND his ID...on the same chain. He had to pay to get both of them replaced and it never happened again. No one used his food card and no one tried to get into the dorm. Our kids food cards have photos of the kids on them....not too easy to use if you don't look like the picture.</p>