:( 4th essay. PLease help?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>This is my fourth essay. I've been trying to write under 25 minutes. And I've been trying to DESCRIBE and EXPLAIN longer and more fluent. So here is my essay:</p>

<p>I Hope you guys think it's pretty good. I've been really stressing so I really didn't write well at all. So this is pretty much the only good one I wrote. (And I doub this is good on SAT standards -__-'')</p>

<p>Thanks (: CC'ers, you guys are really helpful at these things FYI:</p>

<p>Okay here it is:</p>

<p>Should we pay more attention to people who are older and more experienced than we are?</p>

<p>The older someone is, the more experience that someone has encounter. In To Kill a Mockingbird, main character, Scout Finch, pays a lot of attention to his father. Harry Potter looks up to Dumbledore. And even in life, we look up to our elders for support and advice.</p>

<p>In To Kill a Mockingbird, Scout Finch is known as a girl who encounters inequality thoughtout the whole book. From the beginning, he thought Mr. Arthur "Boo" Radley was a scary monster. Scout Finch's father, Atticus Finch, was a respected lawyer in the small town. Mr. Finch told Scout to not judge others by what kids say. This theme repeats throughout the whole novel. When Jem Finch destroyed the neighbor's flowers, his father told him to respect the lady by reading to her. This idea may of sounded bad at first, but in the end, Jem Finch learned a lesson that could not have been learned without the ideas and experience older people have. The main moral in the story ended at the end with the racial discrimination against African-Americans. Jem and Scout learned that in order to be equal, you must be in their footsteps. Hence, at the end, Scout looks from Mr.Radley's Porch and saw what Boo Radley sees in -literary- his footsteps. </p>

<p>The Harry Potter series show great commitment to listening to older, wiser people. In the first novel, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, readers would have never believed that Harry Potter's luck will change. But it did, because of an experienced wizard. Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwarts (School of Witchcraft and Wizardry), teaches and guides Harry thought the series. He constantly saves Harry from death like when Voldemort tried possess a teacher (Mr. Quirley) to lure Harry Potter to the Sorcerer's stone. Mrs.McGondall is another example of a wise, experienced teacher. In Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix, she persuades Harry to always follow his dreams, no matter what is stopping him. A quote she said was "No matter how long I have to teach him, I will do it". It shows how committed she is. Wise people are not only great advice givers, but also commitment givers.</p>

<p>Even in life, wiser people usually gives the better advice. Newer, younger teachers are usually less experience than older, wiser teacher. A statistics shows that a teacher that teachers more than 10 years produce better test scores than a teacher that only taught 5 or less years. The reason is clear that wiser teacher usually know and understand what weaknesses a student has. My 8th grade math teacher is a great example. She taught at my middle school for more than 20 years and her students usually always score better compared to the teacher who only taught for ten years. Not only does length of teaching accumulates better test scores, older teachers also recognize the signs of insecurity. My math teacher never asked us if we didn't understand a question, all she did was glanced at us, and she would nonchalantly ask if we should do another one. Wiser teachers are not only more committed and understanding than newer ones; Wiser teachers pick up any signs of insecurity,</p>

<p>After a careful analysis of three different events from To Kill a Mockingbird to Harry Potter to real life, it is true that we should look up to an older, wiser teacher. Indeed, sometime newer teachers are more lenient and more friendlier, but in life, we will not experience a nice employer, a cool "whatever" person; We will meet people who wants to work done. This is why as young adults to adulthood, we should pay more attention to wiser, more experienced person.</p>

<p>*BUNCH OF GRAMMAR MISTAKES.. Sorry</p>

2

<p>Ew. I just realized my theme kinda wandered away from the question /:</p>

3

<p>A looooot of grammar mistakes…like, A LOT! Third example is VERY unstable…its on the verge of hypothetical. Essay gets a 7 from me as of now. To be honest, if you took that entire example out, and went slower and wrote more intricate sentences in the first two, your score might have been double digits since your examples are decent. </p>

<p>My advice is to relax, and write an essay with a calm state of mind since you obviously rushed HARD on this one. Remember, you CAN have a 4-paragraph essay, do not rule it out.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

4

<p>Ew thanks ^
CRAP. Okay the ew wasn’t meant for you, but yeah, the whole grammar, I HATE IT.</p>

<p>Okay. Time to edit it :D</p>

5

<p>I’m not in a position to grade essays yet, but I really have to say one thing as a Harry Potter fan: Quirley? McGondall? Really? :slight_smile:
Overall, I think your essay is good, but the personal example is unnecessary and not very good. I usually don’t put personal anecdotes if I can help it. My three examples would be a book, a famous person or famous people, and an event in history.
And I think you know about your grammar errors. ;)</p>

6

<p>I think this prompt sets itself up better for the opposite argument. Because if you affirm the prompt, say that we should listen to older people who are more experienced, the argument proving it is really simple (just prove that we should listen to those who have more experience). </p>

<p>That said, if you answer the prompt like “older people may have more experience, BUT…” then you create your own argument. You have way more freedom, and can actually argue something insightful. </p>

<p>I know it is not supposed to matter which side you argue, but in this case I think it does. I just cannot see a profound essay that answers the prompt in the affirmative.</p>

7

<p>Dorkylemo,</p>

<ol>
<li>This says it all.</li>
</ol>

<p>

</p>

<p>My best tip to you is as follows. Don’t get nervous. This is coming from a guy who started with 6s/12 moved into the 11 zone, dropped to 8s, and then…FINALLY hit the 12s, so I know what I’m talking about. Just calm down and write the essays. Perhaps try writing a few practice SAT essays for 35 minutes. You’ll be fine as soon as you ditch your nerves.</p>

<p>Now if you want some actually essay critiques here they are. You need to clearly pick a side of the argument.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Here’s how I would write my introduction if this was the prompt (Should we pay more attention to people who are older and more experienced than we are?)</p>

<p>Attention and guidance are keys of life. Elders are more often more experience solely due to their age because at their older age, they have gone through so many experiences they have solutions to almost every problem. [<– I CLEARLY PICKED A SIDE] This is evident in To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone [PICK A SPECIFIC HARRY POTTER BOOK], and a personal example of mine [<– Sounds like poor writing, but hell I got a bunch of 12s with that exact phrase]. </p>

<p>Now I’ll go through one body paragraph with you, To Kill a Mockingbird. </p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Here’s how I would write it:</p>

<p>Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird is a prime example of how wisdom comes with time. The two children of the novel encounter problems, but always refer to their father for help and guidance. Their father, Atticus Finch, is one of the oldest parents in the community, and he is also the wisest. He always guides his children and helps them find solutions. One key case is when Scout…(been quite a while since I’ve read the book)…faces school troubles, she goes to her father and finds the solution. She ignores her older brother’s advice, the family maid’s advice, and all the other students. She realizes her father is the best source of information. Atticus’ advice then helps her overcome the problems she faces in school. This displays how wisdom comes with age; Atticus’ wisdome came with time and all the experiences he has gone through, and thus he is able to give such amazing advice to his own children. By facing problems and overcoming them, Atticus is essentially a sage at his older age, thus he is a prime example that people should pay more attention to their elders as they have more experience and more knowledge.</p>

<p>^I wrote that on the spot so it is fully of plot holes, ambiguities, and very repetitive; but the point is I repeated how I SUPPORTED my ARGUMENT. That’s the key step you’re missing. If you want to improve your essay writing, try writing a few isolated body paragraphs and posting them up along with the prompt. You’ll be fine, just follow these steps:</p>

<ol>
<li>Read the prompt and just pick an argument: yes or no? Nice and simple.</li>
<li>Think of 3 examples and write them down</li>
<li>Work on your introduction, short and sweet, thats the key!</li>
<li>First body paragraph, link, support, and DEVELOP it thoroughly.</li>
<li>Repeat step 4 for body paragraphs 2 and 3 and you’ll be set.</li>
<li>Conclusion</li>
</ol>

<p>^Now that isn’t so bad, is it :)?</p>

<p>As far as the other body paragraphs go, the Harry Potter and Dumbledore relationship is a great example. Write about HOW this relationship SUPPORTS your ARGUMENT. Stick to one example, don’t bother bringing up Professor McGonagall. I know you have a bunch of great examples, just stick to one thought and you’ll be fine!</p>

<p>Your final example is the greatest one. Your personal example is fine. Tbh, in this paragraph you supported your argument the most. Granted it is (theoretically) supposed to be your weakest body paragraph, try to make it as best as you can. Don’t hope the grader will be generous and give you that leeway. </p>

<p>Grammar mistakes and vocabulary are two other things that are bothering you. One step at a time. Grammar and spelling mistakes will fix itself with time. However, you need to think about what you want to say, then put it on paper. If you give yourself more time, such as 35 minutes you can learn to WRITE what you’re THINKING a little bit better. With more practice you’ll become better. Don’t worry about it, you’ll be fine. Also, VOCABULARY write up a list of nice SAT words and try to bring them into your daily spoken language (don’t speak like a weirdo though) but try to understand the words, if you do, then bringing them into your writing will be easier. Lots of improvement necessary, but you can easily do it, just PRACTICE! Hope I helped, good luck :)!</p>

<p>~Aceventura74</p>