My daughter is applying to a local school that is about 50/50 boarding and day students. We are incredibly close. She talks to me about everything (sometimes way more than necessary). She is incredibly intelligent and gets all As at her current rigorous independent day school. The problem is her lack of executive functioning skills, or in other words - organizing, planning, getting started. My husband went to boarding school for high school and loved it. (He was also not close at all with his family and was ecstatic to get out of their house.) His take is that boarding school might give our daughter the structure she needs to help her thrive. Being surrounded by other students with similar goals and in mandatory study halls every night with a consistent daily schedule might be the best environment to build the habits she’ll need to be successful. While she agrees that it might be just what she needs academically, she is very concerned about being away from me (and her father and sister) for that amount of time for the next four years. This brings us to the idea of 5 day boarding. Seems like a win/win scenario.
Does anyone have experience with this? How has it affected your relationships and your child’s self-esteem/confidence/personality?
Does this school offer 5 day boarding? In my experience it’s not very common at schools that offer full boarding. At schools that only offer a 5 day option it tends to be a small program.
One of my kids considered 5 day boarding. When we checked out the program we realized it had only 48 students total, meaning there would only be 6 girls in her grade who boarded. That seemed like a number small enough that if there were any tricky social dynamics things could get negative quickly.
They don’t have a specific program for 5 day, but there are no restrictions on how many weekends you can be away, other than a few mandatory “on-campus” weekends.
I will add that although many schools’7 day boarding arrangements allow you to come home on the weekend, they really don’t want you doing it every weekend, and actually, your D may not either. Some have a culture of mass exodus, others less so.
It sounds like a good thing to consider and that you are doing it for the right reasons. Just make sure your intentions align with the school’s.
Have you also thought of just being a day student at a boarding school? S/he can stay for study hall or not, you can help manage day to day (food, stress and balance). Your kid can also get an excellent education and still be home some of the time. Only downside is having to drive back and forth a lot.
Btw, a lot goes on during the weekend at BS ( whether they are day students or not). Sports, mandatory activities and all the rest will mean that frequent trips are the norm. I don’t think any/many schools have a Friday pickup and Sunday drop off.
Coming home every weekend may put her a little outside the social scene …or it may not. My day student likes to return to school on weekends anyway.
Often boarding students aren’t allowed cars. If your child ends up being a varsity athlete she’ll have to be at school on Saturdays which may mean you driving her. Not a big deal, particularly if it’s an alternative to driving every day, but many day students will be driving themselves by the time they’re juniors so it’s something to consider.
Boarding students may have more at-home restrictions than day students. It may not seem fair but a boarder at many schools can be in more trouble for attending an off-campus party than a day student would be. It because of the formal in loco parentis relationship. The school will also need to keep stricter tabs on her whereabouts when she’s away from school.
Knowing that she can come home any unrestricted weekend may be enough to make her feel safe with the idea of boarding. She may not need to come home as long as she knows it’s an option.
How flexible is the school with boarding vs. day arrangements? Some schools require students to apply as either day or boarding students and to stick with that plan for 4 years barring emergencies (family moves, parent gets sick, student has a disastrous year and everyone agrees she should go home, etc.) Others (like my kid’s current school) allow kids to switch back and forth from one year to the next.
@Happytimes2001, Some schools don’t allow day students to be a part of the boarder’s study hall. I know because freshman year my kid snuck into study hall for the first month or so until someone caught on. We thought she was studying at the library!
I agree with @gardenstategal that the school may not be happy about a student going home every weekend even if she’s at school for every closed campus weekend.
OP here. I may be completely off-base, but I guess I just assumed that if it was important to the school then they would have a maximum number of weekends off campus policy like most other boarding schools.
Seems like it’s a good idea to find out what the policies are at each school which you are applying. Also, don’t forget to ask how many boarders and how many day. Seems like you do know. One school we looked at had less than 10 kids who are day! That’s not many and can impact how your child feels about it. Also, how will you feel about it? Not only are you willing able to offer lots of rides but will you feel bad as a parent if your child wants to spend a lot of time at school on the weekends?
Also, no one has really mentioned the Executive Function issues but have you talked to someone who is expert hear ( or even read about what is normal for age?). I was shocked after attending a middle school program for parents. I thought my kid was way behind and in fact all was pretty normal. I have seen a lot of changes in this area in the last few years. All my kids friends have really grown and kids now are pretty good about managing their own time, school and all the rest. ( This was NOT the case in middle school).
@ABJ8888 , I can see why you might think that, but closed basically means “everyone has to be here”. On other weekends, there is flexibility so that A couLD go home for a sibling’s bday one weekend and b could go to a basketball game the next. But it’s a residential community, so most will be there most weekends.
Our school allowed day students to sign up for evening study hall.
They were also happy to talk through the option with applicants. It is in their interest, and yours, to make the best decision, so I would encourage you to bring it up. Neither of you will be happy if you had different expectations!. Several dDay students switched to boarding over the years (space available )
She absolutely loves sleep away camp, which she does for a month every summer, so I’m fully expecting her to love boarding and very rarely want to come home. For now it’s just a comfort for her knowing that it would be an option. I’m sure it will be difficult and sad for her to not want to be with us, but just like camp, I will be ok knowing that she is thriving and happy.
As for the executive function issues, she’s been formally diagnosed and the main treatment for that is ADD meds and coaching to build better habits and skills. Right now I’m her coach, which is difficult and strains our relationship. Being at a boarding school with all of the structure and support is highly advised by the specialists I’ve talked to.
Bummed that there aren’t more people that have experience with this arrangement.
Honestly, @ABJ8888 , it sounds like you could look at 7 day boarding at a school that is near you. Your D could come home easily for a night or weekend here and there (just not for every not closed weekend!), you could always take her out to dinner (even during the week) and go to watch games, etc. It’s not as though they’ll whisk her away , pull up the drawbridge, and put more alligators in the moat until Thanksgiving! While most schools go to great lengths to have a strong residential community and want to see the kids fully participating in that, local parents are also really helpful and valued. I recall one of my son’s foreign classmate’s speaking of his deep affection for his roommate’s parents. In other words, you won’t get her home every weekend but you won’t be completely cut off. And in reality, day students at BS end up wanting the autonomy/privacy their boarding friends have and can live under your roof without sharing much if they choose, so being at home may not play out like you imagine it will either.
I definitely get where you are coming from on not wanting to continue as your child’s coach and can see the appeal of setting up your schooling so that is out of the picture.
I still think it’s reasonable to ask the school what they recommend in terms of # of weekends on campus. It varies from school to school and they are likely to have good insight. And if you then apply as a boarder, they’ll know that you understand how it works at that school and that you’re fine with it.
I boarded at a 5 day program when I was in HS 30 years ago. I loved it because it was such an efficient use of time during the school week, and it gave me some level of independence that I liked, yet I was with my family every weekend. Honestly, I was so busy with my school work and ECs during the school week that even if I lived at home I wouldn’t have seen my family much during the week. But @Sue22 was really insightful with her comment about how tricky social situations can become if the program is too small. My HS eventually got rid of the boarding program, which I thought was a shame, because the social dynamics between the kids just ended up being too much of a hassle.
I agree with @gardenstategal and would suggest focusing on schools that are close enough for your daughter to come home frequently on weekends. If she is used to being away at camp, she will likely enjoy being away but feel comfortable knowing that she can come home fairly easily, or you could go and take her to dinner on a Saturday night, for example. Also keep in mind that coming home for the weekend often means coming home Saturday afternoon (i.e., after the last class, if there are Saturday classes) or after her sports commitment and being back Sunday evening in time for study hall? So it’s a short weekend.
DS was similar — happy being away at camp and stuff, but sometimes he just feels like being home to sleep in his own bed for a night or seeing friends at home. He’s 90 minutes away, which works well.
I also wanted to weigh in on the executive function issue. I think you are right in track as to the structure offered by boarding school. In addition — even separate from any learning center support — teachers tend to be very helpful and generous in giving students extra time if they ask for it. Teachers living on campus makes it even easier. Also look into what type of learning center support is available if needed — executive function coaching is very common (and in my experience, much more effective than parent-coaching!)
Thanks @CTMom21. The school we’re considering is 13 minutes with no traffic and maybe 25-30 during rush hour. Crazy close. There are no Saturday classes so in theory could leave after Friday afternoon commitments and wouldn’t have to be back until 7:15pm on Sunday for study hall.
She has a twin sister that will stay at their current school. They have been really cute talking about having “sleepovers” with each other at home and in the dorm.
I do know that the school we’re considering is happy having a family member come for breakfast, lunch or dinner. That makes her feel so much more comfortable with the whole situation. My husband actually has to drive right past the school on his way to and from work, so stopping in for a hug and a coffee once a week would be doable.