9th grader wants to drop piano and band due to bad experiences

College Majors Music Major
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<p>My son has played the oboe in school band for 3 years and piano for 3 yrs (group lessons).</p>

<p>His new boarding school doesn't have a band, so the oboe has to end, unfortunately. He isn't sorry, although he would have stayed with it had he gone to the public high school in our town, the natural progression.</p>

<p>He wants to quit piano.</p>

<p>He said the bad experiences he has had in middle school all relate to music. </p>

<p>for the piano spring recital in 8th grade, he was given 3 hard pieces to pick from, and at the end he couldn't play any of them. He could play them with headphones, just not publicly. He refused to go to the recital, which was optional. He said today for the first time that it might have been becasue he was self-conscious. After the non-show at the recital (for which she told my son she felt terrible), I had asked his piano teacher several times by phone messages if she could tell me whether he had 'hit a wall' and couldn't progress past this point due to some problem, so that I could just let him drop lessons after this. She never returned my calls. I didn't want to complain to her, I was just seeking info. Oh, he was the acknowledged best in the class of about 12 kids. A boy he knew a few times asked to listen to his playing after class, and would say 'show-off' because my son learned fast and well and always was quickest in learning to play the pieces correctly . He has a great ear and seems to sometimes playby ear, and he has a lot of hand coordination and is just quick-moving.</p>

<p>He's a perfectionist, and also doesn't have any friends (hence the boarding school). He only likes me, and tells me most stuff. He is like me in not having any friends (I was in 30 schools as a kid, just never got the hang of friends, really, and also was very busy for years with my children).
He is ashamed of living in an apt when everyone else lives in a house. He refused to invite others over, and by 7th grade was getting to be a loner, which got worse in 8th grade. He finally noted to me in fall of last year that 'I used to care that I didn't have friends, now I don't care'. Obviously, a red flag. I started researhing boarding schools after that.</p>

<p>So he gets self-conscious and perfectionist, and was mortified in 7th grade when the old oboe at his school wouldn't play right during his solo at the state festival, and the teacher chewed him out the next day. She said he swung the oboe around during classtimes and it is a delicate instrument, and made it inoperable. She did buy a new oboe for the 8th grade year, though.</p>

<p>So he has been embarrassed due to music performances, and won't listen to any comments to just work harder and don't worry about it. </p>

<p>I fear he will never return to any instrument if he drops out this fall. He does have talent. </p>

<p>Any ideas?</p>

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<p>I'm not really understanding why you would send him to a boarding school if you are the one he has the closest relationship to.</p>

<p>Also, who has been pushing the music idea? You? Or is this something he is interested in? Maybe he's not interested in performing; maybe he would be more comfortable in composition or something like that. Nevertheless, he should keep up with piano.</p>

<p>If he's not a people person, maybe you could set him up with some computer-based learning program for now. But you will need to find a live person for him to get legitimate feedback from.</p>

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<p>I believe that your issues go well beyond any help you are likely to receive from this forum.</p>

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<p>I agree with edad. How does your S feel about boarding school? If he hasn't expressed a strong opinion, maybe giving up on the piano is a way of expressing his negative feelings.</p>

<p>Since his desire to quit piano is due to some specific negative experiences related to studying it, rather than a dislike of music or of the instrument itself, I would suggest that you persuade him to give it another try in a different situation. If he still is equally unhappy after a semester/year, they he can quit.</p>

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<p>I just checked these responses after getting off the phone with my sister, who suggested counseling also. Thanks for your perceptiveness, edad.</p>

<p>I'm just out of time with regard to boarding school, since it starts in 2 weeks and I will be committed to something else until then and can't arrange counseling. </p>

<p>I suppose I will have to let the boarding school know. I don't know how eager they will be to have him, if he needs counseling, although he is not a behavior problem and never has been. He's quiet instead.</p>

<p>Well, thanks for the opinions. He really liked the guitar when he was 7, and he has a lot of talent, but it has turned into a major source of self esteem, which is why any hitches had such an effect on him.</p>

<p>Another mismanaged childhood. Great. What I do now is really going to have long-ranging consequences, I feel. I think he needs the boarding school in order to learn how best to interact with others. He absolutely has to have friends in a situation where he won't be 'one down', as he is at present with the reaction he has to living in an apt when everyone else lives in a house. </p>

<p>Thanks again for the advice.</p>

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<p>I am struck by the piano teacher not returning calls. My son had a bad experience with a piano teacher when he was younger and thankfully it did not turn him off to music in general, but piano fell by the wayside because of one bad teacher.<br>
Putting aside the whole boarding school thing (and IMO sending him away into the unknown of a school like this could be quite difficult, especially if he has trouble making friends -- it could be a real problem if he doesn't have you to at least fall back on.... anyway, what does HE want to do?), please look into finding a new instructor in whatever instrument he is "bonding" with the most right now. The right teacher will make all the difference. Even if it's guitar for awhile and no oboe or whatever, he needs to rediscover that love of music. Then maybe he'll find his way back to the instrument that is right for him.</p>

<p>Just my two cents, good luck. Keep supporting him!</p>

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<p>my 0.02 is to keep encouraging some form of music. It's the perfect past-time for a kid who is "quiet and introspective." After a while once he begins to master a few basics (on the instrument of his choice), it will certainly help build his confidence. It's really important for a shy kid to find something he can do. He will eventually meet other peers such as himself. Maybe he is a late bloomer in the social scene. </p>

<p>Find another piano teacher or skip the piano lessons altogether until later. My son at 17, is just now starting piano and he loves it and with all his other music training, it's easy. It's never too late to begin piano or any instrument. Just find the right one.</p>

<p>Good luck to you and your son.</p>

<p>p.s. Tell him lots of people live in apartments! My son would LOVE if we lived in an apt.!</p>

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<p>When I mentioned boarding school, my son was very positive about it. He is pretty eager to go. I hope he meets some easy-going boys since that personality attracts him. I guess because his can be temperamental.</p>

<p>I did lament to him today that we had 2 keyboards, and I guess they would both stay at home. He then started to say that he wanted one for the dorm. So maybe he will keep his hand in a little. With his 2 yrs of guitar, then 4 yrs of band at the same time as 3 yrs of piano, he has quite the background for whenever he wants to return to an instrument, I suppose.</p>

<p>I'm just hoping his roommate plays the guitar. I would love to see him return to that instrument. His dad used to play it a lot (he was taking classical guitar lessons when I met him). </p>

<p>Well, he is shy but he gets mad easily and he does hold grudges. Probably due to being the baby of the family, and not having experiences with close friendships, just kids at school, growing up.</p>

<p>Thanks to all respondents for your input.</p>

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<p>Sounds like a creative/artistic personality who might be prone to anxiety, as some of them are! Just keep an eye on that, and think about counseling if the anxiety seems to be limiting his life. I have a friend whose son was withdrawing, dropped out of band (!) just as yours wanted to do, and started to have major anxiety. Therapy did amazing things for him, and he is a well-adjusted 22 year old now.</p>

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<p>This may seem like a silly idea, but my musician daughter and her friends LOVE Wii guitar hero. May be a way to keep him feeling like he still is in some sort of music and also interact with friends (I think there's some sort of 'band' game now).<br>
Also, I have an introspective sensitive boy in my house who just opted for a college program that is very much like a boarding school-academic boot camp kind of situation--he chose it because it 'seemed like a family.' So maybe your son is looking forward to the companionship...
My son played in a youth orchestra-didn't practice at all- but enjoyed playing every week. Is the boarding school far away?
I also told my son that he could always pick up his instrument again someday, as he is not interested in playing it in college. I didn't want him to feel like he is making a final decision for the rest of his life by not choosing to play right now!</p>

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<p>Well, my son started boarding school and inadvertently got put into a piano class! Yay!<br>
He was told that he needed a fine arts class, and this was it.</p>

<p>He was very quiet at first, but adapted to the class, and said it is full of beginning piano students, and the teacher is trying to assess his level right now. </p>

<p>So all's well that ends well, and hopefully this will end well.</p>

<p>Thanks to all for your coments.</p>