9th grader wants to quit soccer to focus on academics

Parents Forum
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<p>It feels a little strange to be posting about my DS when it's my DD who's a senior and in the middle of college apps! But my 14yo S announced yesterday, as fall soccer draws to a close, that he doesn't think he wants to play on the spring team. Why? He's taking four out of five honors classes and wants more time to focus on them. He is an academically driven kid, with an eye toward getting into a top college.</p>

<p>So far, he has had either practice or a game every day after school. He has enjoyed it, but I think he's feeling burned out and very tired. He has played team soccer in one form or another since the age of 8, but this is the first time he's played every single day for weeks in a row.</p>

<p>The other issue, he told me, is that he gets extremely anxious before games. I told him that we could go back to therapy and work on this, as he has had anxiety in other areas of his life as well. He doesn't seem to want to do this.</p>

<p>My DH's initial reaction, when I filled him in after our son went to bed, was that our son should not just quit, that if he spent less time playing video games when he got home then managing his academics wouldn't be a problem. Also, that a little anxiety before games is fine--it pushes you to do well. He's a trial lawyer and still gets anxiety before appearing before a judge. He feels this makes him more focused and on his game.</p>

<p>I understand that my DH does not want our son to be a quitter. And although I worry terribly about concussions, I also know that soccer has given our son a great group of friends and a high level of fitness. On the other hand, I know that I personally need some down time and understand his need for it, too. After starting school at 7:30 am and not getting home till 5:00, he is wiped out. I don't have a problem with him relaxing with video games for a bit. I also want him to have time to explore some other curricular activities such as chess club and science club, both of which he hasn't had the opportunity to do because of soccer's demands.</p>

<p>Spring soccer is a little less time consuming than fall soccer, with practices only two or three days a week. (Although there are, unfortunately, multiple weekend games.) I suggested to my son that perhaps the spring schedule would be a better fit for him, but he is stubborn and seems to have already left the game, at least emotionally.</p>

<p>Am I coddling him too much by allowing him to stop playing? Both DH and I fear that after a fairly sedentary winter, our son will be champing at the bit to get back on the soccer field and will regret his decision. FWIW, we have paid in advance for the spring season. Don't know if we can get a refund. Thanks, all!</p>

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<p>So what if he doesn’t play on the spring team! He played on the fall team.</p>

<p>Your son is not a “quitter”. He is a smart kiddo who has presented you with very good reasons for not wanting to play on the spring team.</p>

<p>Is this a school team or a travel team? You mention “paying in advance”. </p>

<p>If he wants to play only a fall sport, that should be fine. I would let him play the fall sport only. </p>

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<p>This is like an article from the Onion. It’s soccer. It’s only important insofar as it’s enjoyable. Let him stop. </p>

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<p>The only reason playing spring might matter is if it’s a type of unwritten requirement to make the fall team. I know a lot of places have this going on unless a kid is playing another sport, or involved in a play or other EC. That said, if soccer makes him
Anxious maybe he needs a different EC. ECs should be enjoyable in my opinion. </p>

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<p>Who wouldn’t be with that schedule? My kids are not athletes so I am curious - is this typical?</p>

<p>FWIW I agree with your kid - there is no way he can do the work for 4 honors classes while spending that much time and energy on soccer. If his goals are academic success and not pro sports, then he is making the right decision.
For top colleges GPA & class rank are very important, so he will be aiming for As across the board in HS.</p>

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<p>Right. I agree. </p>

<p>And I will add: he has to have ECs for top schools. Year round ECs. Fwiw. </p>

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<p>Usually there are rec soccer programs in the town or county, where he would only play once per week and perhaps have one practice per week, with little travel. That is a better choice for some kids.</p>

<p>We have struggled with this, as my son has played at least 10 hours per week of sports, and up to 20 and even 30 hours per week on occasion (college camp and club team practices and games in the same week).</p>

<p>We think that playing sports helps his state of mind, however we have had to let him choose which teams to play on based on commitment and money.</p>

<p>If he is miserable, let him stop. However, if the team is short players, he may be letting them down and that could be a consideration (it was for my son regarding going from a local club to a regional club, he had some trouble with the people he “let down”).</p>

<p>He is also old enough to consider how this might impact his chances at college, so he should be picking new ECs to join, like chess or science club as you mentioned. </p>

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<p>My D made a similar decision. She was a solid competitive gymnast but not good enough to be recruited for a college team. She made the decision to give up gymnastics before she started HS and never looked back. We were concerned at the time but in the end she made the right choice. She had more time for academics, she got heavily involved in theater and community service organizations at school (wining congressional awards for service etc.), she took violin/orchestra more seriously (becoming asst. concertmaster her senior year), became an editor on a literary magazine, and even started to play Quidditch on the club team for the exercise (which was very low key). In short after a couple of months of trying to figure things out she became completely engaged in new things. The decision came from her and it was the right one. She replaced the one all consuming activity with a number of other things that she ended up loving. And without the weekend meets and 3 hour gymnastic practices she still ended up with more time to focus on academics. IMO the trick is to be sure your S knows you expect him to find other activities to fill his time (it is fine if they are less time consuming than soccer and there is some relaxation time built in) and that you don’t want him to come home from school early every single day and play video games for hours. When you talk to him again about quitting soccer, ask about what types of other activities he may be interested in.</p>

<p>I think you need to listen to your son, let him skip spring soccer and see how things go. Unless he is in line for a soccer scholarship, there is no harm in it. To me he sounds more like a mature young man who has his priority on academics rather than a quitter! Consider yourself lucky. If he has moved on from soccer, you probably need to do so as well. </p>

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<p>I agree to let him quit. But to address H concern…you don’t want him to replace 2 hours of soccer practice a day with 2 full hours of studying or video games. Encourage him to keep up conditioning by maybe doing a 20 min run each day. It would help keep his fitness level up while shaking off cobwebs and making study time after school more efficient. If he wants to keep hand in soccer, maybe have him (later in spring when he feels comfortable with time commitment of academics) volunteer to help coach a younger rec team or even referee (which could be good money). Both would show a continued love of game and athletic interest for ECs but would offer more flexibility for his study schedule.</p>

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<p>Also, as a former soccer parent who loved, loved, loved the games and excitement being the parent of a successful soccer player, be sure you and/or your husband do not let your own wants/needs of being a soccer family get in the way of this decision. You too can fill the void of those games/practices with healthy, positive activities in the hours you would have spent at the game. I know parents who have driven the decision of their child continuing a sport because THEY the parent, need/want the sports life and the glory of their athlete. </p>

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<p>Count me in the camp of folks who think this could be an opportunity for your son to try some new ECs and find something he might enjoy even more. And as a distance-running geek, I’m compelled to mention that many former soccer players turn out to be pretty good at track and cross country and find the ethic of competing against your own prior best as much or more than against the other runners a more enjoyable form of competition than other sports. </p>

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<p>“After starting school at 7:30 am and not getting home till 5:00, he is wiped out.”</p>

<p>Ok I’m with all of you about not making him continue if he doesn’t want to . But I have to believe this is a typo. Most after school activities in High school last a lot longer than 5:00 pm. Usually the kids aren’t home until 9:00…or later everyday and then they have to start doing their homework.</p>

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<p>If school starts at 7:30, school may get out at 2:30ish - if soccer is directly after school, 5pm makes sense. </p>

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<p>Hi, all. Very supportive answers, with the possible exception of Pizzagirl. Anyway, my personal feeling is that it’s fine to stop playing as long as he fills his time with other good things. I’m more trying to assuage DH’s concerns. Our son used to run x-country until it interfered with soccer (last year). He has said that running is boring, but maybe he’ll pick it up again. I don’t even care if he goes on the treadmill while he watches TV, as long as he gets exercise. Thank you all for recognizing him as a mature young man who is capable of making good choices. It’s good to get that kind of feedback instead of hearing the incredulous responses from other soccer parents that I know are coming.</p>

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<p>I’m in the camp of not making a kid do soccer (or ANY PARTICULAR EC) who doesn’t want to and isn’t enjoying it. However, I would not go along with the reason of “to concentrate on academics.” If soccer is no longer his thing, he can choose other ECs he likes better and perhaps are less of a time commitment, if that is one of the issues. Also, perhaps he can just do fall soccer and not spring soccer (depending how that works where you live). My kids had ECs every afternoon and evening and weekend, but we never asked them to do ECs as they craved them. Thus, I wasn’t in the situation of asking my kid to find an EC. Nonetheless, if your son is aiming at top colleges, academics are not enough. Many kids (like my own) who take the most challenging and rigorous academic course load, are also involved in heavy EC commitments. I realize that is not for ALL kids. Still, perhaps your son can find ECs he loves that are less time consuming. I would not encourage giving up ECs to “focus on academics.” There should be time to do both in some capacity (maybe not soccer if that was too much time). The only time I would advise against this, however, is if a kid is really struggling to do well in academics and the ECs are really taking away from that, but I don’t see that in your son’s case. He may just need an EC he truly enjoys and perhaps is not quite as time consuming as this soccer league seems to be. That said, like another parent posted above, my kids didn’t get home at 5 PM from ECs. It was later and/or they had more ECs in the early evenings as well. If he doesn’t want to do soccer (or maybe just not spring soccer), I’d support that and have him find something else he would rather do, but not just homework. </p>

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<p>Why wouldn’t you listen to your child? If he’s telling you it’s too much for him, then guess what – IT’S TOO MUCH FOR HIM. You are lucky he trusts you enough and is self-aware enough to articulate this, rather than passively aggressively demonstrating it by starting to do badly in school, stop trying at practice, etc.</p>

<p>And why do you think he told you and not your husband? Because he knows he needs your help in negotiating this with dad.</p>

<p>He will either quit and be happy with his decision, or he will quit and be unhappy - at which point he can begin playing again. Maybe for the high school team? It sounds like this is a club team and not a school team, though I could be wrong. </p>

<p>For an academically motivated kid, taking top classes, school is only going to get more demanding from here. If he’s feeling stressed and spent for time because of soccer as a 9th grader, then 11th grade would be very challenging indeed.</p>

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<p>I think there’s no universal advice here. I would say that for your DS to really get a lot out of soccer, he’s got to want to do it and endure its hours/practice/competition/anxiety. However, I also agree w/DH: sheer avoidance of anxiety should not a determining factor. In this, i think you and DH should jointly agree to discuss w/DS pressure/anxiety in general, possibly. Maybe it’s only one thing that’s driving his disillusionment w/soccer. </p>

<p>However, I disagree with this:

Certainly this isn’t for everyone but my DD and others I know are performing well in very heavy academic schedules while performing at strenuous varsity-level sports. This isn’t universal. It is done; it can be done – the tightness of schedule actually makes some perform better. Maybe for your son, the combination is too much-- that’s fine. </p>

<p>My younger daughter, DD2 is in the same sport and may not be as top caliber as her older sister but she’ll be dedicated. She’ll likely take some honors courses but not to the level of DD1. We have an opportunity to enroll her in the top-ranked HS in our state (the one DD1 currently attends). We’ll pass. We know DD2 and what is success for her is different than what’s success for DD1.</p>

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<p>I would have him finish the season but then let him quit. Let him take a breath. </p>

<p>But do monitor what he does with his new found time. It is okay to mess around and relax for awhile, but I would hope he would find some new activities to be involved with. Encourage him to try new things, things he didn’t have time for before. Make sure he finds a new group of friends or stays in touch with the old group. I don’t mean you have to nag him to find something right away. Just be aware of what is going on. Is he too free? Too much screen time? Not much going out with friends? Eating alone at lunch or alone on weekends? </p>

<p>fwiw I had a kid who was playing two sports quit one of them because he had NO free time. He did have a period when he had too much free time and was at loose ends, I did worry, but he got more involved with another activity and peer group and ended up the right amount of busy again (right amount for HIM).</p>

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<p>Regarding the exercise, it’s of no importance that he do it competitively. What about just riding a bike? Nothing wrong with that. </p>

<p>After my hard day of work. I sure would rebel if someone “forced” an EC that didn’t give me pleasure on to me. </p>

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<p>If he has been doing travel team soccer, could he switch to just the school team? Sometimes that is lower stress, less time, and better socially. At least, that is true for club vs school volleyball here.</p>