A Conversation to have with New Boarders

<p>I swear I'm not trying to ring the bells of parental alarm here, but I promised myself last term that I'd make a thread for this before the next school year.</p>

<p>Among all the other things you talk about with your child before the school year starts, there's one I (as a faculty member at a boarding school ) would like to stress. One of the great things about boarding school is that it challenges students to be independent. Sometimes they take this charge to mean that they need to solve everything--specifically, the mental and physical health of their friends. There's a lot of pressure at my school to be happy, well-rounded and self-contained. Even though we are not a top ten school (GASP!) there are kids who are hoping to get into the Ivy League and put incredible pressure on themselves to achieve academic perfection. When kids start to show signs of depression, eating disorders, cutting, dangerous sleep deprivation or substance abuse, their closest friends often pay the price.</p>

<p>I had one student who suffered from severe depression and ultimately had to take a medical leave of absence. Then I had to catch and counsel her roommate, who had devoted four months of her life to keeping her roomie/best friend afloat. The second girl blamed herself for not being better, stronger, and more able to care for her best friend. She completely fell apart. I started taking her to the counselor and helped her re-forge friendships and her identity at the school separate from her roommate. I got her parents involved. I'm aware of an additional situation where friends of a student with a dangerous drinking problem loyally kept their mouths shut in order to be good friends--even when their friend was in extreme danger. There are others who make excuses for eating disorders or anger management issues. Good teenagers want to be thought of as good friends and they want to please the adults in their lives by seeming like they have it all together. Sometimes, the way they go about achieving those goals takes a huge toll.</p>

<p>The emotional support that kids provide for each other while away at school is incredibly important. But teenagers need to know that they are not responsible for fixing each other. Please talk with your kids about what to do if their friends start down the path of depression/eating disorders/dangerous drinking/cutting/not sleeping in order to perfect homework/etc. One of the (apparently) most useful things I said this year was that people don't become counselors unless they have had to deal with difficult issues in their own lives--they are not perfect people who sit in judgment of others; they have chosen a difficult and low-paying profession because their desire to reach out and help people in dark times comes from an understanding of what that means. Honestly, I had six different kids this year tell me that counselors at school "don't care." Prepare your kids to think and act otherwise. Prepare them to move beyond the initial resistance that talk of going to the counselor is going to raise. And if all else fails, remind your kid that s/he may also get some relief and comfort from talking strategies with the counselor on how to deal with a friend in trouble. </p>

<p>Obviously, I'm one of those teachers that kids tend to tell things to because they think I'm cool enough to solve it without involving anyone else. Ha Ha! I'm the first one on the phone to counselors and parents, using my false patina of "cool" as a smoke screen for my deep desire to get as many professionals and families in the loop as possible. The faculty have vast networks of eyeballs on kids and we check in with each other frequently to get a fuller picture of how a kid is faring as s/he moves through the different facets of boarding school days. At first, teenagers assumes caring means solving an issue without ever breaking stride, and I have to remind them that as soon as someone is deliberately harming his physical or mental health, then it's smarter and kinder to stop pretending that things are fine and address the issue with someone who is trained to help. I rely on the lame analogy that if their friend had a broken leg, they would not spend a month cheering that friend up, telling adults the leg was fine, and making make-shift crutches out of leftover chopsticks. Nope, they'd get their friend to the doctor post haste. In almost all cases, by the time it gets to me the situation has been in place for too long, and kids are suffering because they are trying to prop each other up way beyond their ability. I think it's also important to stress that the desire to solve everything for their friends comes from a really noble impulse to be loyal and helpful. It can be really hard to help teenagers redefine what those words mean--especially when they do not have enough experience with reliable, trustworthy adults.</p>

<p>So please, sit your kids down and let them know that there's an outside chance that a friend of theirs at school may end up in a difficult place, and that s/he may resort to unsafe behaviors in order to self-medicate. Let your child know that s/he never has to solve his/her friends' serious, health-harming problems alone. If he's comfortable taking the friend to the campus doctor or counselor, great. But it's also completely smart to identify a faculty member that the friend likes and trusts, and get adults involved. The friend may express anger at first, but deep down, there's some amount of relief. The most loving thing a friend can do--the smartest and most supportive action--is to get a trusted adult involved as soon as possible. Obviously, let your child know that you are more than willing to help plan steps to take over the phone should this come up. You may get an epic eye roll, but you will have been heard.</p>

<p>It may never come up. But if it does, you want kids to be prepared.</p>

<p>Okay, that's my say. Now we can go back to debating which school has the highest percentage of unicorns prancing across the quads!</p>

<p>Thanks for this! Will be discussing for sure.</p>

<p>Thanks, Albion. This is an especially important topic to discuss if your child happens to be one of those types that people tend to unload on. If your child is looked on by peers as being particularly savvy, trustworthy, and/or mature, they are often burdened with being made the “secret keeper.” It’s funny. Kids look for adults who most remind them of kids, and kids who most remind them of adults.</p>

<p>Excellent post, excellent advice.</p>

<p>Really great post. Thanks!</p>

<p>Thank you, Albion. This is important.</p>

<p>I once talked to a parent who was upset about how a kid who was hurting him/herself was treated by the BS. What’s the bottom line here, in terms of confidentiality and what the school will tolerate? It seems that a kid can be honest with a counselor, thinking that their comments will be confidential, but that this information may still yet be used by the school to force a separation. In the end, I take it, schools mostly do not want to take on the “liability” of having a child who gives indication of potential harm to themselves (as a separate issue from harm to others). If the school forces the child to leave, they may well require that all communication between the student and former classmates cease. Albion, do you think this is pretty standard practice? If it is, are schools drawing a clear red line about this issue? If they do, will they run the risk that children clam up, because confidentiality has these limits and the end result may well be separation? (Of course, we’re all in agreement that the health and safety of kids is paramount, and that a “gray area” can be a tough judgment call.)</p>

<p>As a little p.s. …
I just read this post to my daughter who will be beginning BS in the Fall. We actually have experience with this issue as she was put into the position of “helper/friend” of someone who was self-harming not too long ago (although outside of BS) and did indeed need adult help navigating that situation.</p>

<p>Her comment today about the post was “I’m surprised she didn’t mention pregnancy.” I thought she raised a good point and I’m wondering if the OP will speak to this…</p>

<p>This is an important topic. Depression, suicide and substance abuse can be found on all campuses. I would venture a guess that it is likely your child will come across another student who needs help (both my daughters did, each at a different boarding school).</p>

<p>Although their urge to help by themselves is strong, discuss why it is important to let an adult know that someone is having trouble adjusting - say a trusted advisor or “cool teacher.” “You won’t even have to go into the details with the adult. And your friend will very likely not get thrown out - a medical leave to get treatment is about the worst that can happen to a brand new student.”</p>

<p>Roleplay “What to do when your friend says…” and fill in the blanks with concerning statements. Encourage your own child to go to the counseling center to get help if they are staying up night after night trying to support their roommate or friend. The counseling center can help both of them, AND THEY WILL NOT GET IN TROUBLE. </p>

<p>One other suggestion, go over the rules with your child. No substances, observe curfew, the rules, academic honesty, avoid drama. Especially later in the year, students WILL be sent home for major rule violations. Especially if they are receiving financial aid, there are few alternatives available if they are dismissed. Warn them that behavior acceptable at local school may not be acceptable at all at boarding school.</p>

<p>2prepMom said it very well–and more succinctly than I did. </p>

<p>Purple Fever: The reason I forgot to mention pregnancy is that even after 14 or so years of teaching I have never had a student approach me with it–at this point, it’s the only issue that hasn’t come up…yet. It’s a point well taken, though, and should be added to the conversation.</p>

<p>Charger: Your description of an institution that sees self-harming kids as a liability and leverages counseling sessions to ban kids from campus doesn’t resemble any school I’ve ever worked at or heard of, so I’m very concerned by your friend’s experience. I have known kids who were initially reluctant to take medical leaves, but none of them were ever prevented from contacting their friends on campus and none of them were barred from returning. We work pretty hard to help kids keep up with their academics (as they are able) and always operate with the understanding that a leave is temporary. Our medical leaves are about healing and not punishment. There are lots of conversations between school counselors, parents, and the student before any final decision is made. Whenever a student in distress comes to me, I am always very clear up front that I am a mandated reporter. I think it’s very important not to take advantage of our kids’ trust, and to be clear at all stages. In the end, schools are nothing more than a collection of individuals. We try to do the best we can for the students in our care.</p>

<p>Your school is lucky to have you. Great posts.</p>

<p>Great post thank you</p>

<p>I hate to even bring it up, but as I have sent my kids off to camps and boarding schools, I have counseled them, hopefully in a low key way, that places with lots of kids are attractive to pedophiles and other adults who use their positions of trust and/or power to prey on unsuspecting victims.</p>

<p>We have all seen and heard of the various scandals. I just think it’s worth a reminder when sending kids off to a residential setting. They may need a reminder that the school that they behold with starry eyes may house a nefarious individual, a reminder that abusers are not usually despicable strangers, but rather much-beloved friendly adults (sorry Albion!). Mostly a reminder that if they begin to have even a vague uneasy feeling about an adult’s interaction with themselves or another student, they should talk about it with you–their parents–or another uninvolved adult, for help in sorting out and monitoring the situation.</p>

<p>It’s a fine line to walk between reminders and instilling fear, I know. But abusers succeed as long as they do because kids get sucked into their vortex incrementally and hold the adult in high esteem.</p>

<p>Great post, albion. Your advice applies to all schools including non-residential schools. There are way too many kids who have personal, family, financial problems. If you have a child who is very caring of others they can become a magnet for those with troubles even if just a shoulder to cry on. It can be difficult to explain to your kid that they cannot help others on their own without getting dragged down emotionally–they simply don’t have the emotional/experience resources and the best thing to do is involve adults.</p>

<p>really good points about rules that are BS specific, thanks</p>

<p>We will send our son to boarding school for the first time in our life and are somewhat worried just because we do not have any previous experience. Your posting is not only very appreciated but most valuable and relieving. Thank you so much and I would really hope to see as many insightful postings as yours here on CC.</p>

<p>Thank you, Albion, for a great post and valuable public service. </p>

<p>From my perspective, my kids’ BSs have done a good job monitoring and intervening when necessary. That said, it does fall on the kids to navigate that fine line between loyalty to friends and informing adults. I have one child who has been in a reporting position before and I have been proud of both the child and the adults connected with. </p>

<p>The one thing I still struggle with is knowing that my kid isn’t fully disclosing drug and alcohol use amongst peers. One child was competing with another for a leadership position, and we all knew the competitor had been dealing adhd meds. Kid kept their mouth shut. I was livid. </p>

<p>So I don’t want to debate unicorns, but would love advice about how to handle it when kids tell you things about their peers that you feel the administration should know, but you can’t prove.</p>

<p>Wcmom,
That’s a tricky situation. I do not have a good answer off the top of my head, so I’ll work through some thoughts here and then we’ll let the other parents play counterpoint.
Kids are incredibly reluctant to say anything that is going to get one of their peers in trouble, especially when everyone knows it’s a rule violation so serious it is all but certain to get the offending student removed. Teens are very willing to keep silent about kids who are actively harming their communities–of course, they don’t see it that way. At that stage, they are developing how loyalty and “tattling” play in their lives, and at boarding school they live in this strange space where they are negotiating the adult society (teachers, administrators, dorm families, etc.) and their own society (there are complex social rules and practices that the kid at our school impose on each other that often are not in line with what the adults are trying to impart). It’s hard, and they don’t always get it right, but we keep discussing options and choices. We talk so much about academics and sports and all, but adolescents are also engaged in a major curriculum of learning how they will behave morally and socially in a setting removed from their family home. They do hear what we’re saying, but it may not actually change their behavior until years later. I like to joke that I’m planting little time bombs that will engage when the teens are ready to hear them. I recently got an email from an '07 graduate who wrote “that thing you said when I was in 10th grade? I just got it!” </p>

<p>For a parent hearing that there is a specific kid who is dealing prescription medication, you’re in a difficult spot. You don’t want to deal in rumors, and you are not on scene to witness what you’re hearing. On the other hand, if you are hearing from a reliable source that there is specific activity which could endanger the health and safety of kids in that community, you want to help. You could call a school dean or your kid’s advisor with the rumor, which would set off a series of delicate investigatory conversations and questions (boarding school faculty members spend a lot of time checking in with each other about various kids). Faculty live our lives knowing that there are a lot of false rumors and hearsay flying around but that it is our kids on the line if we miss a sign that something dangerous is happening. We want to find out what’s true and help as quickly as we can but we can’t turn every rumor into a witch hunt. Our school has a series of steps to investigate claims, and a student who suspects something can ask an adult to alert the proper chain of command if s/he doesn’t want to be identified. We also are assiduous in protecting the original student who raised the concerns. The head of discipline and I once spent some time thinking through various means that a particular story could’ve come to our attention in order to make sure that the accused and his friends would not turn on the kid who spoke up first. Since we live with and care for all of our students, there’s a fair amount of concern and compassion for all sides. In your situation, where the evidence of drug dealing may seem like an attempt to overthrow a political rival, it gets even more complicated. If you say something, some people will think that it’s a calculated move, so you have to weigh people’s negative opinions against the need to alert a member of the community that there is a possible substance abuse issue. If a parent did decide to contact the school, I think it’s best to keep the information clear and simple “I’m hearing this and have no way of knowing whether or not it’s true, but it sounds serious enough to pass along.” I think it’s wiser not to set expectations for the school’s action (“punish him!”) or make strong claims (“my kid never exaggerates so I know it’s true”). </p>

<p>I try to speak from my experience rather than make sweeping statements about all boarding schools, but I don’t think I’m at all unique as boarding school teachers go. Certainly not where I am now, where exceedingly low turnover and a lot of veteran teachers make for a strong faculty. (I’d even argue that % of advanced degrees on the faculty is a more important stat than you might think.) </p>

<p>All that said, I have no idea what the right answers are. I try to take each event as it comes, lead with compassion, listen very carefully, and act responsibly.</p>

<p>Thanks for yet another amazing post, Albion. Wise counsel, indeed. I will flag it for future reference. Your school is lucky to have you.</p>

BUMP

@Albion this is a great post, thank you. I’ve had similar observations from a parent perspective. I think the way the students try to help and be there for each other is terrific and beautiful, but they’re trying to help each other in ways that they’re not equipped to handle - plus, many of them are also dealing with their own stresses and pressures.

I think part of the conversation to have with your child is about the importance of finding adults to connect with and build relationships with them, before there are problems. Then they have adults they trust to turn to, and don’t have to rely on friends or be afraid of the outcome of reaching out.