<p>A lot of people are distraught over getting those thin envelopes in the mail, often among the better students in their HS who felt they had a solid shot at their choices. The pain is real, and understandable. So I hope what follows can give a bit of perspective.</p>
<p>I've posted a version of this previously but I suspect the current round of people getting bad news probably wouldn't have had much interest in reading it a year or two ago. And I've listened to some of the comments from previous postings. So, one more time...</p>
<p>For most students this is the first significant judgement they have ever faced in their lives. A disappointing result can hammer their sense of self worth and lay bare the falsehood of the world as always a fair place. Your parents (hopefully) tell you that you are wonderful. Many teachers/schools promote self-esteem at the expense of honest but unpleasant feedback, many counselors say you're a "shoo-in" at the most selective colleges. All of which can lead to an unrealistic appraisal of one's accomplishments, seen in so many posts on the forum. Wonderful in the context of your HS may not mean wonderful in the context of your school district, your county, your state. You have to lay all your cards on the table when you apply to college, and you know the adcoms are not going admit people just to avoid hurting feelings. </p>
<p>Not only does the level of competition ratchet up, there is no universal standard for who makes the cut top colleges. Many more students apply than can be accepted under a standard of "could succeed here". The adcoms must choose and so have to weigh years of piano against awards for creative writing, top scores in math and physics against lead in the school play. Different schools make different decisions about the same student, and so do different adcoms at the same school. While for many the top schools would all make the same decision yeah or nay, there are also many for whom it boils down to chance. Having expected the world to be fair, the arbitrary nature of so many judgements about us suddenly comes into sharp focus.</p>
<p>Along with those rejection letters comes a sense that doors are slamming shut in your life. In reality doors have been opening and closing all along, you just didn't know it or couldn't change it. When your parents chose to live in Des Moines that ruled out a chance at a life growing up in in a big city like Manhattan, and vice-versa. If you spent all your time after school in gymnastics you probably aren't 1st violin in the orchestra, and so on. But college is a highly visible door; when you enroll in college X it means you will never have a chance to be a frosh at any of the other thousands of colleges in the country, and there is the haunting thought that maybe you have chosen (or only have available) the wrong door.</p>
<p>The despair you sense on boards like this is often fanned by the postings of ill-informed kids who are fixated on brand names because they have little or no idea how life really works. They seem to think that if they are accepted to Harvard or Stanford or some other high-prestige school that their troubles will be over, that they will be on a golden path the rest of their life -- pretty much guaranteed. Just walk thru one of the doors marked "best college" and after that everything falls into place. They sneer at those going to a top-20 or top-50 school, because it is so "obviously" inferior to a top-5 school. And those at a top 100 -- well, they can feel only sympathy.</p>
<p>Too many people never grasp that the college door is not the same as the success-in-life door (if the latter even exists). College is a branch in the road, but roads split that split meet again and again. Given any goal there are multiple ways to reach it; some no doubt easier than others, but multiple paths nonetheless. I don't dispute that you can gain a lot from attending a prestigious college; there is a reason they have earned that prestige. But it is pure folly to think that the top schools have a monopoly on great instructors or interesting students, that a fancy college name on a diploma guarantees success, or that not attending the "best" dooms you to a life of mediocrity.</p>
<p>I would actually argue that in the long run what will serve you more than one crowning moment of glory at age 18 is an inner sense of resilience; confidence that you can handle whatever twists and turns that life hands you. Sure it's better to get into the school of your dreams, to land a great job, meet the perfect mate, etc. But in the real world there are rejection letters, scheming co-workers playing office politics, and divorces. It is resilience that will get you thru the ups and downs that life is going to hand you, whether it be not making it "big" in college admissions or some other setback that is sure to show up someday. Yes, even the HYPS kids will face adversity in the future -- just as surely as you will, too. How they handle it will affect their lives more than the diploma gathering dust in the attic.</p>
<p>There are so many people in this world who have overcome incredible difficulties and made a success of their life; sometimes in monetary terms, but sometimes just in a sense of enjoying the brief stay we all have on earth. Look at the people who suffer grievous accidents or illness and yet push on with little self-pity or complaint, the people in war-torn parts of the world who pick up the pieces and keep going after their lives are shattered, and on and on. Then explain to me again why life is so bleak if you only get into a school ranked 200th in the country instead of one in the top 20 (or top 10).</p>