<p>I realize this area is for the kids and not the parents, but I am trying to get honest feedback about just how bad the drinking is amongst the HS kids during graduation week. Is it completly unrealistic in this day and age to think there will be some kids that will not be drinking or that will be able to drink responsibly during this time away from home and from any adult chaperones? Our D is a junior in HS dating a senior who told her he wanted to be "honest" with her about his plans for graduation and now she is left wondering if he is also going to be honest with her IF he isn't able to drink responsibly. D is very trusting, doesn't drink or party, and is not sexually active, but knows there are girls like that just waiting for him to look their way. He is very good-looking, athletic, and confident but she is also very pretty (literally turns heads when she enters a room) very smart and has boys just waiting for her next year when her boyfriend leaves for college. She wants to continue to date him exclusively but I am thinking she is expecting way tooooo much out of a seventeen boy who has tasted the wild life a time or six before they started dating. He told her he wanted to date her because she was a nice girl but that doesn't that mean she should have expectations of him too? What do you think?</p>
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**just how bad the drinking is
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**</p>
<p>I think what you want to know is how bad is the behavior that results from the drinking. If this amazing boyfriend and his buddies were to get drunk, in their hotel room, while playing monopoly is that offensive to you and your daughter? If BF becomes sexually active but not as a result of drinking.....is that offensive. Lots of words from you but they don't ask the real questions you have??</p>
<p>OK.....good point. I tend to get 'wordy' when I am concerned or worried....sorry. If I thought the only thing they would be doing when they are drinking is playing monopoly I would still not be happy about the drinking because they are underage. I think I agree with one of the parents that said it is time she think seriously think about moving on as they obviously do not share the same values.</p>
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**Our D is a junior in HS dating a senior who told her he wanted to be "honest" with her about his plans for graduation
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**</p>
<p>I think respecting his honesty w/ her upfront should be noted. I also think you must have had doubts about the relationship continuing beyond his graduation. Was he going to return to HS for her prom and such? This seems like a natural time for endings....which beget new beginnings.</p>
<p>My husband said her boyfriend was an idiot for telling her he was going to be drinking......I don't know if I would go that far but I cannot help but wonder if he thinks his honesty about doing something illegal and something he knows she is against makes it acceptable? I don't think so. I do not know if they have even discussed his returning for her prom next year which is no big deal since she can go with friends or someone else. I agree with you that when he graduates they should give each other some room to discover who they really are. He will be attending a small Christian private liberal arts college in NC so he may need to rethink that drinking underage issue eventually.</p>
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**He will be attending a small Christian private liberal arts college in NC so he may need to rethink that drinking underage issue eventually.
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**</p>
<p>Much of what he has announced is "rethinking" the way I read it. Whether one condones underage drinking......or "illegal" drinking...well if he wants to be legal & drink choose a destination for celebrating that makes both possible. Like a trip to Amsterdam for those who are curious but choose to remain legal.</p>
<p>Yeah.....our son did that but he still got into trouble....I have been on sides of this fence which makes it worse. Her boyfriend admitted that although he had been accepted to some larger public colleges he feels that he would be better off at a small private college and so do his parents. I will just be glad when Fall is here.....</p>
<p>most seniors (at least from my small graduating class) drank considerably during and after graduation week. Luckily there weren't people randomly hooking up because, when you don't have your own apartment/dorm, its hard to just do something like that in someone else's house. (this could be because none of us got too absurdly drunk)</p>
<p>My daughter started dating a senior last year just before he graduated. They romance lasted until about 2 weeks ago. The time apart was hard for her. He did his fair share of partying while in HS, before he left gave her a ring and promised both her and his mom he would not be driniking while at college(was going to concentrate on his studies). That promised lasted until November when he went to see his friends at another college for his birthday. Sopposedly he did not do anything besides drink(but who really knows). Long story short my D realized that she is not ready for the kind of commitment it would take to make this relationship work as this was her first real bf. She still loves him but does not want to settle down and dislikes the fact that hes away. Hurt feelings on both sides are still lingering. I would urge seniors to keep things light over the summer and go to college with a fresh start,</p>
<p>Although I'm sure there is excessive drinking during Graduation week, HS Seniors tend to drink throughout the year.</p>
<p>Ah, Davidson?</p>
<p>sharonD, I'm in exactly the same situation but from a different perspective - the bf's perspective. When I go to a party there a lot of girls (who had expressed interest before) whose first question is "are you still with xxxx." I trust myself enough to drink with and even sleep on the same couch as these people! And because I trust myself, my g/f has no issues trusting me. The fact alone that he's going out with your daughter does indicate he's interested in more than hooking up and having sex with whoever.</p>
<p>Would you say he fits the following criteria?
- An air of confidence (not conciet): knows his strengths and weaknesses
- Comfortable with himself: not trying to please anyone to be more popular or whatever
- Bright: he knows his limits and doesnt put himself in risky situations (I mean going of ex-GFs house to drink and watch movies)
- Open & Honest: doesnt lie to hide those weeknesses</p>
<p>jimbob.....no.....lenoir rhyne.</p>
<p>cwatson......not sure what this means but he doesn't fit ANY of the criteria you mentioned.
-cocky and arrogant to some degree
-recently admitted he has lied about things he has done because he didn't want to appear to be a loser
-smart but not neccessarily bright because he left the text messages to/from a girl he has been talking to lately asking her if she wanted to hook up
-lies saying he doesn't know why he does certain things and begs for a second chance</p>
<p>I'd say about 50% of graduating class last year at my high school got drunk in the couple weeks surrounding graduation. There was a mega-party right after graduation involoving tons of people, and I'm sure there were a lot of others I didn't hear about. I only attended non-alcoholic parties (well, except for one where only 21 and over were drinking), but I heard stories about how drunk a lot of people got. I'd say that graduating class had the largest group of non-drinking high schoolers, and although some do drink now, they didn't during that graduation weekend. </p>
<p>I do acknowledge that your D's BF is being honest, which is definitely a good thing, and shows that he loves her enough to warn her of any possible actions, but I can't help but say that there are too many ways to have fun without drinking. College is surely a lot harder, and I'm not sure if I can make it through without any alcohol (never had it so far in my life), but graduation weekend should not be that much of a problem. If his friends are really mature, they should be able to respect the fact that he doesn't want to drink if he just simply tells them.</p>
<p>Drinking can lead to very bad things, but I'm not sure if it is bad as some people play it out. Otherwise, 99% of college kids would be completely immoral. You just have to keep yourself from doing bad stuff and know your limits. One of my good friends who graduated was class president, head cheerleader, strong Christian, blahblahblah, and I was shocked to find out she had started drinking some in college. Then i found out that one of the times she was drunk, it was while she and some other of our friends were at someone's house playing Harry Potter Scene It. I'm not sure if that was so bad.</p>
<p>I'm not sure where my post is getting at, as it is just sort of rambling about the debate of how bad underage drinking is. It depends on what kind of drinking it is. I know some just drink to get drunk (i.e. crazy high schoolers) but others treat it as something social. Drinking seems to release stress and inhibitions, which might or might not be something deserved after four hard years of high school.</p>
<p>I do have to say though, this shouldn't ruin the relationship. They are going to be spending the next year apart, and the D needs to realize there might be situations in college where BF is tempted to drink. If she can't trust him now, then she surely won't be able to trust him while he is away.</p>
<p>Whoa whoa whoa... I also hold the perspective of cwatson. The little rubric he created is very good and the fact that your daughter's boyfriend does not match the rubric should absolutely arouse concern. Not only does he not fit the rubric, but he apparently opposes it. The text messages alone should turn your daughter's trust away!</p>
<p>I think you should let your daughter make her own decisions. She should be the one on this forum if you think that it would actually be helpful for her situation. I understand parents love their children very much and can't stand seeming them get hurt but if a kid doesn't get hurt then they are never going to become adults.</p>
<p>sometimes the pickle tastes better than the cucumber</p>
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cwatson......not sure what this means but he doesn't fit ANY of the criteria you mentioned.
-cocky and arrogant to some degree
-recently admitted he has lied about things he has done because he didn't want to appear to be a loser
-smart but not neccessarily bright because he left the text messages to/from a girl he has been talking to lately asking her if she wanted to hook up
-lies saying he doesn't know why he does certain things and begs for a second chance
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Guys an idiot that got hit with the attractive stick...steer away. I suspect your D may have been blinded by the popularity this guy seems to have and made a poor judgement in dating him.</p>
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he left the text messages to/from a girl he has been talking to lately asking her if she wanted to hook up
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</p>
<p>Was the girl reciprocating and were the text messages timestamped over more than a late weekend night (ie could he have been sober)? Drunks are tempted to contact the easiest hook up. If he were bright he would know by now that its a stupid drunken impulse and never act on it.</p>
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lies saying he doesn't know why he does certain things and begs for a second chance
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</p>
<p>Again, another red flag, especcially because you used the plural form. A misjudgement here or there is only human, but you describe him as being a chronic liar. Two possibilities I can think of - first, hes a pathological liar; very unlikely. Second, he underestimates your and your daughter's intellect and thinks he can slip by unnoticed; another sign of not being too bright or even thinking hes smarter than he really is, which would explain the undo arrogance you mentioned.</p>
<p>As for what to do?
Hes not your b/f so you cannot break up with him, and you can't make your daughter break up with him. If you tried that, she'll discredit any legitimate argument you have and think your trying to sabatoge the relationship. Also, ask yourself if your arguments against the relationship are unbiased: are you finding incomplete evidence and making judgements because you know the kid's a drinker and partier? Was he "bad news from the beggining" (would indicate bias) or an interesting guy?</p>
<p>Also, don't use the "other fish in the sea" comment or tell your daughter she'll have no problem getting another boyfriend. Using those reassurements makes it look like you just want her to break up with him; your bright D will see straight through it (and may even seperate herself from you and side with him).</p>
<p>Your D is probably resistent to his digressions because the "badass" appeal is so strong. Drop FACTS, not your opinion. If she thinks rationally, knowing the same facts you've said here, she'll end up agreeing with you. If you try to drop an opinion you'll become the overprotective and uncool mom.</p>
<p>A BIGGY: has he taken the liberty to sincerely meet you and your H not as a boyfriend but as a young man interested in meeting the parents of his gf? (coming over and saying "hi" doesn't count, and nor does a silent family-family dinner)</p>
<p>Personal note: After my g/f's parents and I were well acquanted, they learned about my night lifestyle (most of our discussions before that were about work/school/culture). They forbade her from seeing me anymore right then (biased impulse response). The g/f was all about sneaking out and such but I just told her not to pickup the phone the next time I called. Called the next moment and asked her dad if I could come over and speak with him. I went over soon thereafter When I got there I told him straight-up: this is my night lifestyle; I'm not going to change it for a girl I just met; I had never tried and would never impose my lifestyle on her; Our relationship was independent of my night lifestyle; I know some of the things I do are unhealthy; I'm not going to apologize for it (would be an empty apology); I'm not going to involve your D in it; and I'm not going to change it anytime soon. He expressed his concern (she was the good kid); that he may have acted on impulse; and uphold my word. More than a year later and I have to be rude and not come to the door to get my g/f whenever I'm pressed for time because he'll try and chat with me for the rest of the night!....So it goes.</p>
<p>cwatson....I do not believe he was drinking when he tm this other girl as he had been at our house earlier and it was a school night. The girl was the one to actually approach him first and D was told about this months ago and she asked him about it. He said he told the girl he was in a relationship and they did not start really talking until a couple of weeks ago. I guess the temptation was too much for him and he went to see her at her job last week before coming over for a date with our D. The tms were from the last couple of days and were in the afternoon so they weren't from a night of drinking and partying. </p>
<p>Last night once the 'word' got out she had broken up with him, she started getting calls from people telling her they knew he was talking to another girl trying to hook up with her and D IM'd this girl and convinced her to forward his tm's and Im's to her because she would not believe that her bfriend had been talking to the girl because she trusted him. She was very hurt and surprised to see the things he had been saying to her that were very improper for someone who was in an exclusive relationship and he obviously lied to our D and was caught with 'his hand in the cookie jar'. He then admitted to what he had done and begged for forgiveness and another chance which she chose on her own not to give him. She said she would not allow him to make a fool of her but had she not come to this conclusion on her own her father would have made it for her.</p>
<p>The first time we met him he came to our home and spent 2 hours over dinner and we talked and asked every question we could think of and decided as long as he obeyed her curfew and was a gentleman and there was no drama, she could go to the prom with him a month later. He was the first boy she dated and it was scary for us as parents of a girl because it is very different than raising a boy which we have already done. This had originally started out as just a prom date but they got along well and had fun and we liked what we knew of him. We met his parents over the summer and they were nice and seemed to have high expectations of him although they admitted to us that the year before had been stressful because he was not giving schoolwork 100% and the jr. year is a very important year and he was hanging with some guys they did not approve of so they stopped that.</p>
<p>I understand the "badass" appeal but he does not come across as that, just cocky and a bit standoffish but anytime he was at our house we saw them laughing and talking and having a good time so even though he didn't warm up to us, they got along well. Our D has never been in trouble, makes all A's and is active in sports so we were very attentive to making sure none of these priorities changed as a sign he was a bad influence. I think the bottom line is that after 11 months he got bored, is getting ready to graduate and leave for college and is looking to have some fun before doing so. I think he was hoping our D would buy into his lies because she cares so much for him but after he left in tears yesterday because she broke up with him (on her own) perhaps he will learn from his mistakes. Our D has always been honest and even-keeled and hates situations with drama and second-guessing so we tried to wait patiently when he started acting distant and like he was hiding something this past month or so to see if she would realize something might be up and she did and she found outv the truth or most of it to know he isn't for her.</p>