A problem with my essay..need guidance~!

<p>The first time i tried my commonapp essay, I wrote a lot of details and included many aspect of an activity I attended this summer. However it had to be curtailed into 500 words. So i deleted a lot of contents, and my essay looks bland now---not at all impressive. I was also writing about a somehow cliche topic. I'm depressed about it and wondering any big changes would have to be made.
Anyone who has been enrolled already would kindly help me view my PS?
Is ordinary language and common vocab usage a drawback?</p>

<p>many aspects… sorry for that grammar mistake</p>