<p>I've been struggling with a situation where my college freshman S is heavily involved with his high school GF. He is attending college 3 hours' flight away. GF's mother is inappropriately involved, she gives him updates daily on GF's activities. GF appears to be nice and grounded, has college plans of her own - but I don't know of her emotional maturity. S is somewhat insecure and is distracted, he can't connect with his college and has expressed wanting to go elsewhere. Recently, S failed to attend a few of his classes. He's told professors that he's been sick and he has used that excuse before. His grades are mediocre. My husband is disgusted, says S needs to "swim or sunk". We both feel as though S doesn't care about the money being spent on him. We look forward to seeing him at Thanksgiving, but his attitude towards his chosen college diminishes every time he visits and we fear it will really decline during winter break. Should I reach out to his professor advisor or student advisor for help? I also don't know how much they can do besides giving him a pep talk. He doesn't appear to have real close friends at school. I think he tunes us out whenever we discuss grades. Would hearing it from an advisor have an impact? Our greatest concern is that S is ditching his grades so he can return home to GF.</p>
<p>What I suggest that you do is make it clear to S that if he flunks out of school, he'll be responsible for supporting himself including sending himself to college if that's what he plans to do.</p>
<p>I also suggest that you make it clear to S that if he has a bad average (let him know now what your definition of "bad" is), you won't pay for second semester, and he'll have to support himself, including by working a job and paying rent and following family rules if he decides to live at home.</p>
<p>I wish that H and I had done this with older S, who had a horrible first semester of college due to his simply not studying. Instead of bringing him home, with S's permission, H flew to the college to talk with S and his advisor, who went way out of his way to help S. S then managed to flunk every course second semester, and hasn't returned to college since, though he does live on his own and support himself (Something we always made abundantly clear that our kids would have to do if they dropped out of college. We didn't want our kids returning home to live off us while living a carefree life without working or paying for their own necessities).</p>
<p>I don't suggest that you talk with your S's advisor. I agree with your H that it's sink or swim time. If your S is too immature or in love to handle his college experience, time for him to be on his own.</p>
<p>I also suggest that you tell your S that if he flunks out and decides to return to school, he'll need to take out loans or work a job to pay for school until he proves to you --through a decent gpa -- that he's worth your investing your money in his education.</p>
<p>H and I did this with younger S, warning him that if he got senioritis senior year of h.s., we wouldn't pay for college until he had at least one year of a 3.0 average in college. S -- a very smart guy -- not only didn't get around to applying to college (though he said he really wanted to go), he almost didn't graduate from h.s. because of severe senioritis. </p>
<p>S spent the next year living at home (His decision) and paying rent while working as an Americorps volunteer. He applied to college, got into the one of his choice (the Americorps experience helped a great deal) and took out major loans to college. He also worked parttime, and finished the year with a 3.3 average, which he accomplished while also achieving a leadership role in some ECs.</p>
<p>The kid who in h.s. was disorganized and relatively indifferent about his academics is very organized in college because he really wants to be there -- for the most important reasons: He loves the education he's getting.</p>
<p>Since he has "expressed wanting to go elsewhere", that's another reason for him to keep his grades up - if he wants to transfer, the better his grades, the better his chances. We had a similar problem with S in his first semester as he was going through a bad breakup and was not happy at his college. We met with a counselor at the school to which he wanted to transfer and she impressed on him the importance of finishing the semester and the quality of the grades. So we just kept encouraging him. There were many times, I'm sure, that he just wanted to pack it all in, but he hung in there, kept working and kept going to class, knowing that would help him for the future. Maybe have a talk with him about transferring - it might give him a spark to kick it into gear. He might even decide to stay where he is if he knows he has options and isn't trapped. </p>
<p>I also agree that it's a "sink or swim" time. It's hard to sit back and watch if they choose to sink, but now their motivation has to come from with themselves.</p>
<p>I'm a believer in "the power of adverse options." OK, so your S isn't being particularly responsible. That being so, it's unlikely that your S has thought through the consequences of his current course. You can help with that. By all means ask his advisor to have him in for a chat. But it may also be time to demand a fallback plan should he elect to not return next year. "Oh I don't know, I'll find something" is simply unacceptable from a young man you're spending lots of money to support.</p>
<p>It might be worth keeping in mind that many high school/college "breakups" happen over the holiday visits home, for a variety of reasons and it may well be worth waiting to see how those periods of being back together go. It will also be valuable to know what his first semester grades are actually like. You may not like C's but they are a measure of average-enough work to get a degree. I agree that a serious (but working hard to be non-judgemental) conversation is in order about your standards/parameters for continued support. He needs to see it as a menu-choice. (Get good enough grades=stay in school or Not good enough=support myself). Maybe also a discussion accepting that he may just not be mature enough to be away at school yet--trying to leave the girlfriend out of it entirely. It is not a crime to need and want to be close to home and childhood friends. Ironically, you may find that if your encourage him to come home to be with you and the girlfriend and do a local college that he will suddenly want the alternative. In any case, this IS a challenge but I bet you will all make your way through it.</p>
<p>I'm doubtful that they will break up anytime soon. S is obsessed with GF and her mother is enabling the relationship - driving GF to see him, paying for things, etc. It's as if GF's mom is living the relationship herself. I'm concerned about the "sunk or swim" because he needs the tools to succeed and at this point, I'm afraid we will set him up for failure. How do you see it?</p>
<br>
<blockquote> <p>We look forward to seeing him at Thanksgiving, but his attitude towards his chosen college diminishes every time he visits<<</p> </blockquote>
<br>
<p>Wait...you said "every time he visits"? He's a freshman and it's only mid-November. How often has he come home already? And who's footing the bill for those flights? </p>
<p>I think northstarmom's advice is outstanding. You don't need to bring the girlfriend into the discussion at all--doing so would probably just put your son on the defensive. Just spell out what you expect from him in return for funding his college education, and what the consequences will be if he doesn't give it his best effort.</p>
<p>It's not uncommon for a kid to take a term or two to find his stride at college, but if his weekends are spent either going back home or getting visits from his HS girlfriend, it's going to be pretty difficult for him to build a new college life for himself.</p>
<p>The GF's mother sounds...peculiar. Why on earth would she be giving your son updates on her daughter? That's bizarre. What does your son think about her intrusiveness?</p>
<p>Many of you may think it is too intrusive, but I would call up the girl's mother to ask her not to visit my son or contact him.</p>
<p>I would make him understand what it would mean without a college education, and what it would mean to have to pay it someday. If he is not a full time student he will lose his health insurance.</p>
<p>My younger daughter (15) was slacking in Sep, got a D+ and a few Bs. I just very calmly told her that I would not pay for her private school next year if she couldn't bring her grades back to As by Jan. Because of my track record, she knew it was not an idle threat. In the last 2 weeks, there has been nothing but As. She even came up with a spreadsheet to record all of her grades to figure out what she'll need to get between now until Jan. </p>
<p>I think if a 15 year could understand consequence of bad judgment (action), I think an 18 year old could certainly figure it out. The question here is who wants him to stay in school more, him or you? My 15 year old understands going to private school is a privilege, not a right. I think someone also pointed out, why is he coming home so often? Who is paying for it?</p>
<p>
[quote]
My younger daughter (15) was slacking in Sep, got a D+ and a few Bs. I just very calmly told her that I would not pay for her private school next year if she couldn't bring her grades back to As by Jan.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>oldfort, I know nothing of your situation or your daughter, but I think it's dangerous to require a student to get As. My parents did, and it just made me choose easier classes, and choose not to challenge myself.</p>
<p>Of course, if she's not working up to her potential, it should be addressed, but IMO, saying "you have to have straight As or I'm pulling you out of your school" just makes a student wary of taking a class they may not do well in.</p>
<p>I, too, am with Northstarmom. It is time to sink or swim. We had a similar situation with S1 several years ago. He has grown tremendously as a person from the whole process. We also thought he was unappreciative of the amount of money we were spending on his education. We gave him some strict guidelines on what was acceptable behavior to us. And then let him figure it out. Our situation was a combination of a wrong fit and a girlfriend who was a few years older and a psycho. I can happily report that the GF is long gone and my S is attending a school that he likes close to home. We did have a rough 6 months or so until he straightened it all out. He did lose some credits in the school transfer. We took that money out of his college savings account. I made HIM write the tuition check so he can see that big number. (Although he told me next semester's bill can be paid on line.)</p>
<p>The GF's mom sounds like she is living vicariously through her daughter.....or she is a huge control freak. I have a D and I don't know if I would appreciate all of the sharing!!! I have never been that involved in my kids' relationships. I think it's a little wierd and very scary!</p>
<p>luckycharmed - I understand what you are saying, but I know my kid, she had no problem getting an A+ on her next geometry test. On the other hand, we have no such expectation of my older daughter in college. We know she is doing her best, her most difficult class is also her favorite class. Our older daughter knows our expectation, but our younger one (the smarter one) just needs a kick in the butt every once in a while (I call it fine tuning).</p>
<p>I tend to agree with you oldfort about contacting the gf's mother. We had dinner with friends last night that are going thru something like this with their son...those long distant relationships can really be a drain on the college students , and it doesn't help when the parents of the one left home interfere or encourage it.
Unless the girl's mother wants to pay his tuition, she needs to stay out of it...she is only making things harder for your son, I believe.</p>
<p>The GF mother's behavior is very odd, I'm convinced of that. We paid for 2 visits. The first was because we missed him, then his birthday. S paid to come home to see GF last time and GF's mother flew GF and herself to see him recently. S doesn't mind the GF mother's intervention because he is insecure and obsessed with GF anyway. I also believe he is setting himself up for a big disappointment when they eventually break up and GF mother is adding to it. When his last GF dumped him last year, he was withdrawn and very bitter. He stopped studying for weeks, let his hygiene go, and was angry at the world. He wouldn't talk about it at all with us and we worried terribly about it.</p>
<p>My son had a GF like this his frosh year and I remember feeling worried that the mother was promoting/facilitating the relationship so ferociously (the GF was at another college aross the country). One time she mentioned to me that they were thinking of taking a trip to see him. Since it was midterms and my son was very busy with sports, etc., I told them I didn't think the timing was good. They went anyways. Looking back, I am sorry I fretted at all about the situation. None of it mattered. They eventually broke up and the only one who looked crazier than the GF's mother was me for worrying about it (out loud to my friends!) in the first place. The statement above re" the last break up does suggest a reason to be concerned about your son, though, as it sounds like he may have been a bit depressed. I suggest finding a good counselor right now and having that ready to go should the same problem arise again during his college years.</p>
<p>He's been home twice since September?? Geez, my husband went to college in the same town that he grew up in and didn't see his parents until Thanksgiving his freshman year of college.</p>
<p>I vote for Northstarmom's advice. I have mixed feelings about talking to GF's Mom, especially if she ends up not agreeing with you.</p>
<p>I think talking about GF, or contacting GF mother is going to make things worse.</p>
<p>Even with the utmost tact, she's extremely likely to go on the defensive. Moreover, given her issue with boundaries, even if she does side with you, all this will go back to GF, then son. It will **** off your son and GF, reduce his willingness to talk to you (and be influenced by you). Now on top of his GF obsession, there will be the endless super-distracting drama around this new issue that is created, who said what, why can't he see her, what is GF mom really doing or not doing, how they can make it happen to be together, and blah blah blah. </p>
<p>The focus has to be on son, and his school performance. Keep it contained. He is solely responsible for the situation and the only one who can fix it.</p>
<p>Theoretically, I agree with starbright--by contacting GF's mom you are doing exactly what you want her not to do. Practically, I would find it extremely hard to resist calling her to say "what is the deal?, get a life" etc.</p>
<p>I don't want to be unkind... you are obviously very loving and caring parents, so take this in the spirit in which it is offered. You are already too involved. Any contact or relationship you initiate with the GF's mother gets you in even deeper. There is no conversation you could have with these people that doesn't violate a confidence from your son or have you looking like a controlling fiend (and I don't think you're the enemy... just how it will be perceived.)</p>
<p>If you are looking for some data points on what other parents of Freshman boys do.... then great. Here are mine which echo a lot of what you've already heard:</p>
<p>1- leave the GF out of any discussion with your son. She's either a contributory factor, a minor factor, completely irrelevant, or the source of his misery. However- you will never know which of these she is. He may be using the relationship as a smoke screen for other issues-- who knows. But you don't know, so leave her out of this.</p>
<p>2- You have a right to decide how much to pay for his education, and to require a meeting of the minds as to what's required from him. However, I'm leery of situations where the rules change mid-year (since your son is going to realize that things are quite connected in your head to the GF of whom you don't approve.) So I think any conversation you have with him about withdrawing support, or how much/when needs to focus on next year so he has time to get his ducks in a row.</p>
<p>3- You have every right to outline for him the consequences of him dropping out or flunking out or withdrawing after finals in December. However, you have to be consistent. If you are indeed worried about him leaving college and never going back, you need to come up with a plan that allows him time to figure things out (perhaps deal with some depression with a mental health professional?) and then get his act together and get back in college. </p>
<p>4- Keep in mind that for many boys/teens/young adults, if they could fix things they would. It's not like your son knows the top three reasons why college isn't working out for him and just lacks the initiative to get going- he is too mired in his misery right now to figure those reasons out.</p>
<p>5- DO NOT ENABLE him by facilitating frequent trips home. If you are really worried about his safety or mental health, it's just as expensive (and probably better for him overall) to have one of you go visit him for a weekend; walk around the campus; see a play or performance going on in the student center, buy him a nice pancake breakfast on Sunday and then go home, as it is for him to fly in. When he visits you he's remembering why he's miserable at school. When you visit him he has to at least make an effort to find some fun and nice things to do on campus.</p>
<p>6- Try to keep the end game in mind. The important thing is for him to take responsibility for his life and his education; whether it takes an extra semester or two for him to finish college won't be the end of the world long term if the alternative is to take an all or nothing position. Has he found any classes he likes? Any potential career goals??? Once he's back home living under your roof flipping burgers he won't have the opportunity to explore the way he does at college, so encourage him to connect with his dean/counselor/whomever before he makes any rash decisions. Believe me- they've seen this scenario before.</p>
<p>I wish you luck. Just keep the GF out of the discussions; it is too easy to blame someone else and forget that your son is the one who needs your help.</p>
<p>Excellent Blossom! I could not have put it as well. Your son is an adult. In my opinion you have every right to let him know what you expect for your investment in his education. That would include that leaving campus for 3 weekends in 3 months is not OK. A 3 hour flight home and this child has done it 3 times? Outrageous for a freshman IMO, he could not possibly be bonding with the school and his peers there.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, you need to keep out of his personal relationships.</p>
<p>Many very respected poster always advise people to stay out of kid's person life and relationship. I, on the other hand, ever since my girls were of a certain age have been advising them on what to look out for "who not to date." On top of that list is "crazy mother."(Unfortunately, their boyfriends may consider me as such)</p>