A real challenge

Parents Forum
21

<p>Old, we only have half the story here. I'll bet you a pitcher of martinis that if you asked the GF's mother about the OP her version would be: "I love this kid like he's my own. He goes off to college and is miserable and what are his own parents doing for him? Nothing! My D and I are prepared to visit him as often as we can to help him adjust and not feel so isolated. Do his parents appreciate that? No! They think I"m the witch who won't leave their son alone. He loves my daughter and we love him like he's a member of the family. They are so judgmental; they just don't get him. College isn't for everyone; he can move back home and find a place that's a better fit for him. He really hates it up where he is, what kind of parents don't see that?"</p>

<p>So I'm not even prepared to evaluate what's what here. I can tell you that since the OP is footing the bills for S's college, and presumably has raised him, loved him, etc. she's the one who is responsible for getting him launched into adulthood. But I have no doubt that to the GF's mom, the OP is engaging in some really tough love which she may not find to her liking. Best for everyone involved (especially the son here, who still has to get through finals with some decent grades if he hopes to transfer some day) if the OP keeps the issue of the GF, Mom, who to date and who not, etc. out of the picture.</p>

22

<p>At first two visits provided by parents seemed too many, then I thought about my freshman, 6 hour drive or 2 hour flight and 2 hour bus ride away. Her school has a med-term break and she visited her sister not home and we went to parents weekend. She is really looking forward to coming home this month.</p>

<p>So, two visits is not too many, nesc, and if they both came your way, no big deal.</p>

<p>On the other hand you mention him paying for another visit and GF going there once making 4 visits thus far.</p>

<p>My senior DD ended up with three visits this gfall- me, my frosh DD mentioned above at mid-term, and the long distance BF, all different weekends, all weekends which sounded good based on planning ahead. It was too much, they ended up all in one month based on her best times, but it was not good, by the end of the visits she was tired of doing special stuff and wanted to get back to normal. This is a senior, well-adjusted, good GPA, part of many ECs, no problem at the school. I can only imagine how disruptive 4 visits would be to a freshman with a bad attitude.</p>

<p>One thing I wondered- you paid for two visits? And he paid for one? Where did he get the money? Is he paying for school? Maybe these flights are cheap or you can afford it, but my kids just don't come home often because flights are really expensive for us. </p>

<p>DD farthest away did not come home for Tgiving, too pricey esp at that time of year and there was nearby family. D2 MIGHT generally get one visit from BF and make one visit to him (5 year relationship all long distance so I guess it works for them) paid for by her earnings. We thus far have visited once or twice a year depending. </p>

<p>It seems like he needs to give the school a fair shot and that takes getting involved, if he is not involved there because he is focusing on her then when they break up he will have no resources.</p>

<p>D3 at a small school made friends very quickly. D2 at a large school had to join some ECs to make a core group of friends. D1 at a large school never found her niche, but she tried things there, it was hard at what turned out to be a suitcase school to get connected</p>

23

<p>We can all interpret facts differently. If I had a kid who wasn't adjusting to college, I'd say that too much contact with the family was a bad thing and probably exacerbating the homesickness. Most people I know would say the opposite; how could you leave a kid feeling isolated when they're already having a hard time?</p>

<p>You have to know your kid. My own- who seemed happy to leave for college; confident that they'd made a good decision, usually good at adjusting to new situations, had the usual share of teary calls home and second guessing. We listened; tried hard not to swoop in and fix things; suggested a regular time for a phone call instead of reaching out to us every time something didn't go well, and by second semester everyone had settled in, made friends, found a professor or two to love and admire, gotten a campus job, etc. I'm sure people thought we were nuts to suggest less contact rather than more... but for otherwise happy kids going through a bad patch, we've found that leaning on Mom and Dad instead of sitting down in the cafeteria and making an effort to make friends is counterproductive.</p>

<p>I'm not saying this works for everyone- and if I had a kid who left home with a lot of anxiety or worries about the transition I imagine I'd have handled it differently. YMMV.</p>

24

<p>How about some counseling for your son? From your comments about the GF before this one it seems that he is very dependent on these relationships and has a hard time standing on his own.<br>
The controlling Mother and GF are making it easy for him to not take responsibilty for his own happiness, his own studying, his own decisions.<br>
It sounds like there is a bit of a pattern here.</p>

25

<p>I would also check the transfer requirements at the school he has in mind to transfer to...usually you have to have a good gpa...even if you are going from a higher ranked school to a lower one..perhaps your son does not know this. You could just say you understand his wish to transfer but did you know you need a ...gpa...! This should take care of his school work.</p>

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<p>Blossom - any mother that would take her high school age daughter to visit a boyfriend doesn't understand boundary. You could love someone's kid as your own, but I wouldn't think of visiting any kid without parents' approval, even if he/she is over 18.</p>

<p>I do agree this is not about the GF, the problem is more with the son. He may need some help to sort out his dependency on his GF. He should be able to see inappropriateness of the GF's mother's involvement and deal with that himself. The question is what if he is not mature enough to deal with an adult's manipulation? When I was in college, my friend's girlfriend's father offered to buy him a car so he could go visit the GF every weekend (the father actually put that as a prerequisite for buying the car). My friend, without his parents saying anything, turned down the offer. It doesn't appear OP's son is able to make that judgment call.</p>

27

<p>There is only one person whose behavior you can control and that is you. Involving other people, including GF mother, is just wasting time. </p>

<p>You need to be crystal clear with your son about what your expectations are and the consequences. Then follow through. It is the only part of this you can control. Make it count.</p>

28

<p>I've taken your thoughts in and have concluded that it is probably futile to reason with GF's mother anyway. Grrrrrrrr, what gets me is this was the college my S was completely thrilled to go to, so we've made sacrifices. I guess we need to stick strictly on the education issue and avoid the drama. It is so stressful though and I really appreciate all of your comments and advice. Thank you ever so much!</p>

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<p>^good for you! I will bet all of us parents can relate to how you feel. It's one thing to give the right advice when you are emotionally separate from the situation, quite another to <em>do</em> the right advice. I too would find it very frustrating and hard not to call the GF mom and such (but I also think not doing so is the right way to go).</p>

30

<p>we had the very same issue last year. GF was a senior and S was away at college. She drove up nearly every weekend (yes her parents allowed it). S started talking about transferring last spring. Still talks about it. She is in college now but they still see each other nearly every weekend. Here's what I told him- "you want to transfer, you do the leg work. We pay for 4 years, not a month more so if all your credits don't transfer that is on you. We will not pay a higher tuition than we are already paying". So far, he is unwilling to do the leg work!</p>

31

<p>Sometimes, I think kids just like to "test" us parents... I like your approach- - must remember it if such occasion arises with us.</p>

32

<p>I hope you never have to deal with this type of thing MBJ. It is truly painful!</p>

33

<p>Life... I re-read your original post. A real tough situation. One thing that would possibly force your S to "move on" might be when, if, his GF goes away to a different college and is exposed to a new set of people of her own, etc... But I do feel for you. Not an easy situation at all.</p>