Abuse - Dorm Life - Need advice

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>Hi,</p>

<p>I am not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I really need to get some help with this issue, and would really appreciate advice of any kind.</p>

<p>What I need advice and help on is how to deal with this situation. My parents are emotionally abusive and controlling. I will explain it in detail below although I am not sure if I can capture the depth of the situation by typing online. I am not being overly sensitive either. I have a lot of self doubt, and constantly question my feelings, and often just feel worthless. I always question my emotions because my parents always criticize me and invalidate my feelings, but after years of dealing with my situation and evaluating it honestly, I know I am not whining about a trivial issue or ignoring my own faults as people say the stereotypical teen does, and I have seen for myself. </p>

<p>The issue is that my parents are doing everything in their power to keep me at home through my college years, they are very controlling, and they are doing everything they can to prevent me from dorming in my first year. To really understand the issue, I'll give the background story about the overbearing parenting and abuse.</p>

<p>My mom acts a lot like her sister who is known as a "controlling" mother. Her oldest child is 30 years old, still lives at home, and pretty much is subject to her mother's control. Even at 30, she will not commit to a relationship to a nice man she knows well. It is obvious her mother does not want her to leave outside of her control by getting married, so she won't let her date, and the daughter, who seems to have no mind of her own, obeys. Another of the sister's kids stayed home, but then went off the hook with sex and alcohol and all kinds of wild behavior after moving out, something I saw coming considering I was in a similar situation as him and knew the stress he was under. To add to the stress, both my parents and the sister and her husband homeschooled their kids to keep them under control. </p>

<p>That is the basic idea of how controlling my parents, especially my mother, are. The history of control goes back as far as I can remember. When i was young, just 4 or 5, I was constantly worried both in my own home and outside of it. Inside my home, instead of simply teaching me to be responsible from a young age, my mom used threats and fear as teachers. If I left toys on the floor and small messes, instead of teaching me to simply pick up my mess, I was taught that social services would take me away from my home if I didn't clean my messes. I often had nightmares about that threat, and it was used constantly. outside of the home, in places such as stores, I had stories about kidnappers ground into my mind, and was terrified to set foot in supermarkets and stores out of fear of the kidnappers. My mom kept teaching despite the fear though, since it kept me under her control. </p>

<p>Another fear tactic my parents used was religion. even to this day (though I no longer take it seriously) my mom would teach me that I was going to "Hell" if I had any disagreements with her. </p>

<p>A third tactic used by my parents even to the present day is guilt. I always tried to do well in school work, and really wasn't a bad kid, but somehow, whenever asking to do something for fun, such as going to see my cousin, I was always told I wasn't deserving. When they would let me go, they would still give me a guilt trip about... something I did that wasn't good enough... before letting me go. Constantly being told I wasn't deserving, or I was an ungrateful brat, (though I didn't exhibit any ingratitude) ate away at me, and often gave me feelings of guilt which last even to the present day. It has caused a lot of agonizing by me whenever someone does something nice for me. Because of the constant accusations of ungratefulness, I have had a hard time finding peace with myself when someone does something nice for me. I always feel sick with myself as though I didn't deserve what I received, although the people I meet were happy to help me. </p>

<p>Keep in mind up that I was homeschooled, so there wasn't any way to get much help for my problems from people outside the house. </p>

<p>Isolating me to "protect me from bad behavior" was yet another control method and cause of much stress for me. For a few years, especially in my early teens, I wasn't allowed to see my friends. They weren't doing anything bad unless you count using Myspace (which I never participated in) or walking around their block and a backyard field, but my parents kept me home from them to "protect" me. The isolation from my friends on top of the mountain of other stressors put me over the top. What didn't help was that on the uncommon occasion where I was allowed to see my friends, I would have to stay home for half a day cleaning up after my sisters because "They are younger." I spent most of my weekends just sitting in my room crying, and thinking about suicide and running away from home. I tried to relieve my stress by looking at dirty pictures of women, but then that caused me to stress about going to Hell, and the cycle kept repeating of going from despair to despair.</p>

<p>Whenever I tried to discuss with my parents what was going on with me, and what the stress was doing to me, they would just tell me I had mental problems, was possessed by the devil, or I was making stuff up. They could never believe they had done anything wrong. They have never been able to admit mistakes, and since they are blind to their own faults, they have never stopped with the abuse. All the stress, then invalidation of the stress, has just led me to hate myself. I realized not too long ago that I have this feeling of worthlessness which comes from being stress, but then I can't help but believe my stress comes from selfishness, yet I can't escape the stress no matter how hard I try, and I truly feel that the stress comes from a legitimate cause. This ongoing confusion inside me just destroyed any feeling of respect for myself. I have tried my best to look at my actions realistically and see what I did to cause my parents anger so I can prevent it in the future, but it all seems to come down to selfishness and desire to control my life on their part. Even with homeschooling, no matter how much effort I put into my work, I was always told I wasn't as good as my cousin (from yet another controlling parent. This cousin is not very bright and just lets the parents control him, something my mom envies.)</p>

<p>Homeschooling is wrapping up, so my parents grip on me is about to stop, or so one would think. They still don't want me leaving the house for college. At first my dad said I would have to pay for any costs incurred by staying in dorms, and I agreed to pay for boarding costs in full. Discussions with my mom about dorming are non discussions. Its not going to happen if she has her way. Just last night, after my mom threw a fit when I said I was dorming, my dad informs me that he will not co-sign on any student loans if I stay in the dorms. They are trying to force me to commute. By the way I won't be commuting in my own car seeing that I was never allowed to get a job in time to save money for one, so I will have to rely on my parents for transportation if I commute. </p>

<p>Since my parents will make taking out student loans (which I intend to pay myself) impossible for me since I need a co-signer for a loan, and I was never able to save up money since I wasn't allowed to have a job, it seems the only option for me is to join the military in order to get away from home. </p>

<p>Does anyone else have thoughts on this situation, how it could possibly be resolved? My parents only insult me or make lame excuses for themselves when I discuss problems with them, so talking to them is hopeless.</p>

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<p>Please verify that you are not ■■■■■■■■ before I give you advice</p>

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<p>I promise you, I am not ■■■■■■■■. I am being completely honest in my post and I am describing a real situation.</p>

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<p>Ok. You are an adult now. Your parents may not realize that but you are. You can make your own choices, not your parents. It seems like they are outrageously overbearing and you really need to get away from that. I don’t care if it’s your parents or not. Get a friend and start looking for an apartment and get out of there. Or another solution is to give them an ultamatum. Tell them that if they don’t start giving you your space then this or that is going to happen.</p>

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<p>I’m not going to start making threats, I would like to handle this maturely. Yeah, i have thought of moving out with a friend, but I don’t currently have a job, and I don’t have too many friends who I can even ask to split costs of an apartment with, so finding a way to move out is difficult. That is why I said I may have to join the military to get out of here. </p>

<p>I really do appreciate your comment. I don’t mean to sound like I am arguing with you, just responding to your answer.</p>

<p>I mainly just wanted to vent by posting on here.</p>

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<p>Do you have any other family that could co-sign on the loans?</p>

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<p>Al0993, I’m truly sympathetic about your situation. Through your message, I can sense that you are a very good person. I wish you the best of everything, especially in trying to communicate with your parents. If conversations don’t work than take action. I’d encourage looking up people who are searching for roommates via craigslist or some other kind of service. Craigslist isn’t necessarily the safest website; however, there are people who do post and are serious about rooming up. </p>

<p>However, as you indicated you don’t have a job or any money. =[ The military/navy/marine corps are actually pretty good ideas to start a new leaf, considering your circumstances. I know a friend who is in the Navy doing medical work, so military services doesn’t always necessarily mean war . . . I think you knew that but just in case. </p>

<p>I wish you the best and stay strong. You are truly a trooper for enduring such abuse. You will make it!</p>

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<p>Okay, first, are you 18? Even if you’re not, you need to look into counseling okay? This is NOT because you have mental problems, or anything like that, but just grief/emotional counseling to deal with what your parents have done to you. I’m training to become a Psychologist and stories like this gnaw at my rage button, parents who abuse their children like this. Let me make it clear: they have NO right to do what they’re doing to you, no right. Not even when you were a child did they have a right to treat you the way they did. As others have suggested, you definitely need to get out of that environment as quickly as possible, your parents are the kind who expect absolute obediance and are furious that you want to strike out on your own, that’s individuality, that loosens their control over you and gives you a mind of your own. That kind of person…they don’t like when people have a mind to think for themselves. I would really really reccommend counseling though, so that you can feel more secure in your thoughts and in yourself. Living with that kind of abuse isn’t easy, and especially because you’ve had suicide ideation, it’s important to deal with those issues. It sounds like you may be suffering from extreme stress/depression issues along with some self-esteem issues. That’s understandable, but in this case it’s not your fault. You’re not a bad person, you’re not going to hell, you’re not possessed by the devil, just because you feel depressed and are having stressful thoughts, and you CERTAINLY do NOT have a mental disorder. A parent that would use that as an insult is a truly heartless person. The counselor can help you by possibly providing you with the addresses of people who can help keep you safe, and maybe put you in touch with someone who can handle your parents. What they’ve done MORE than qualifies for abuse, and they need to be made to understand that that is not okay whatsoever. But the top initial priority is making sure you are safe, your needs are met, and your goals are in sight. You want to go to a college, well I’m pretty sure there are loans you can use that don’t require your parents signature but you might have to do a little research, the military isn’t a bad idea although I myself personally wouldn’t reccommend it. But this is truly a really difficult situation, if your friends can help, absolutely go to them. You are not alone, you are not a bad person, and you can succeed without having to rely on people who just want to control you mind, body, and soul.</p>

<p>Somewhat unprofessionally I have to ask… are your parents are hard-line Christian Conservative types? That’s just the image I get from what you say, that they’re very strict, authoritarian people who use religion as a weapon. If that’s the case, you may (if you’ll allow me to say) want to look into searching out other congregations that are a little less…radical in their belief systems so that you can feel more secure in your spiritual life. That might make it so you feel more comfortable in your own skin and can concentrate on spiritual and emotional growth, move past the nightmarish hell your parents are puting you through. Do not let them destroy you, that’s the most important thing, stay strong, and pull through.</p>

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<p>You want the real answer? If you can’t find some way to get the loans without them co-signing (which would be the best option) then don’t go to college next year, move out/get a job, and pay for your school yourself.</p>

<p>edit: And then completely cut them out of your life. They are bad people.</p>

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<p>Post this in the [Parents</a> Forum](<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/]Parents”>Parents Forum - College Confidential Forums). The parents there are incredibly helpful and will likely give you very good advice about what to do in your situation.</p>

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<p>OP keep updating us on this. See if things get better. I know that we are just people behind keyboards but I feel legitimately sorry for what you have to go through. Sometime down the road, a line has to be drawn.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry for what you are going through.
You need to stand up at some point. I get you, it is very hard, specially with such taboes that your parents forced into you, but you dont’have to follow them. You should appreciate at some extent the “life” that theyve been giving you, but that is it.<br>
You could stop looking and wondering what if and do it, take action.
You don’t like living with your parents? you have 2 options…leave or stay.
You got into college but your parents must co sign the loan or that thing, you have to options…take it or leave it
I think the abuse youve been going through is serious, what do you think is more important? Going to college, or your mental health?
Life is about choices, you are the only one who can make it and take action.</p>

<p>I encourage you to get out of your parents house and start YOUR life. Rent a room (Ive done it) I know it sucks especially if you are not used to that kind of things and you are used to a home, parents, values, clean surfaces, even maids, but it takes effort to get started. Get a job, get a tinny room, start your life, go out, meet people, get some life experience. When you are ready, go to college.</p>

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<p>You’re dying a slow death by continuing to live with your parents. Everything important in your life (relationships, friendships, career ambitions, dreams) will be sabotaged if you live with them any longer. I’m not being hyperbolic, they will chip away at your soul until you’ve been reduced to a miserable hollow shell of a human like that 30-year-old cousin you described. The sweet bliss of death is preferable to that fate imo. </p>

<p>And yeah, your parents are abusive by any definition of the word, it’s good that you recognize this. Some people are dealt sh***y hands and life is profoundly unfair. That said, you did nothing wrong and you should never blame yourself for your parents’ failure as human beings. Counseling is going to do nothing to help you now; if you’re ready to take the plunge (like seriously, unwaveringly ready), then you might consider doing this (this is exactly what I would do in your situation):</p>

<p>1. Take a detailed account of your situation. You’re presumably a minor, so you can’t enlist until your 18th birthday. You are going to need to bide your time until then. You also have no money, car, or significant belongings. Getting an apartment is out because you have no money and getting a job that pays enough to live on is out since you have no credentials or employment history. Also you have no credit history and cannot obtain any sort of loan without a cosigner. So going to college on your terms?..Not gonna happen (yet). Recognize this. You currently have zero leverage with which to use–your parents will dictate and micromanage every aspect of college and you will grow more miserable by the day when you see everyone else in college having fun.</p>

<p>2. Start planning. Decide which branch of the military suits you. If you won’t mind combat and risk, then start talking to a Marine/Army recruiter. If you don’t want the risk, talk to a Navy/Air Force recruiter. Discuss when to take your ASVAB. Do research, correspond with your recruiter, make sure you’ll be medically cleared, hammer everything out. Start running and do pushups and ab circuits in your room. </p>

<p>3. Planning Part II. Once everything is air-tight with your recruiter, make sure you have all important documents on hand. Get your official GED/diploma and *original *versions of your birth certificate, social security card, driver’s license, passport, and any other official documents. Lie/steal them from your parents if necessary (they probably won’t surrender these willingly). You will need these documents. When you leave, you’re gonna leave with unwavering will so there’s no going back for these things. </p>

<p>4. Get a date set and pack the night before. Tell a friend your trust to pick you up. Don’t explain anything to your parents when the moment comes to act. They are incapable of comprehending what drove you to such drastic measures. Write them a letter after some time passes and once you’ve settled down.
**
5. Pass all your training and serve your commitment. **You’re gonna get something like $40000 as an enlistment bonus and about $25000/year + benefits. Bank all of this and wait until your term ends. Use the GI Bill to attend whichever college you want and do so with absolute freedom. Yeah you’re sacrificing the “dorm experience” by going to college post-service, but BFD, you’d miss the experience anyway if you let your parents drive you to college every day. By this time you’ll have tons of military buddies anyway, the military is literally just a giant fraternity sans alcohol.</p>

<p>Keep us updated and re-post your original post in the Parents Forum</p>

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<p>@Caillebotte - that’s a good started plan IF he’s going to look into military school, but I think it’s a huuuuuge mistake to tell him not to seek emotional counseling. He needs to get out of the house first and foremost asap, but he needs that counseling, seriously. It absolutely will help him and it’s dangerous to tell him not to seek it out. It’s also not a good idea to tell him death would be preferrible to living in that life, you don’t want to suggest suicide to someone who has mentioned suicidal ideation. That said, your main idea isn’t too bad.</p>

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<p>

And how exactly does he “seek emotional counseling?” Is a licensed, certified psychologist just going to magically apparate into his room, Harry Potter-style? He already clearly said he’s homeschooled, doesn’t have a car, and can’t really leave the house at will. And how exactly is he supposed to pay a counselor for services rendered? He has no money. Are his parents going to pay for a counselor to tell him how abusive they are? Please edify us Itachirumon.</p>

<p>And when I said “the sweet bliss of death is preferable to that fate imo,” I was referring to that 30-year-old who lives with her mom and I still stand behind that statement.</p>

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<p>@Caillebotte - Remember how one of the suggestions was for him to “Live with friends” if he could get ahold of any or stay with someone who’d help? Obviously this would be priority one. As you said, he’d have to steal (maybe) some of his paperwork such as birth certificate, state ID, etc. I’m pretty sure his parents are (probably) employed and this means he (probably) has medical through his parents. Medical can cover counseling/therapy sessions when trauma such as this is involved. All he needs to do is also steal his medical card. Or who knows, maybe he could try seeing them and explain the situation and someone would take him on pro bono, especially if he went to the authorities and explained the situation. Since it’s been on-going for at least 18 years I don’t think he’s past the statue of limitations. </p>

<p>Or you know, when he goes and tries to join a division of the army and they give him a Psychological evaluation, this’ll come up and the government will pay for the counseling sessions so he can get the help he needs. I don’t think they’ll let him serve until he can pass a Psych evaluation or can provide proof this is being handled. </p>

<p>Obviously, all this stuff would have to take place AFTER he gets away from his parents, how is that not spelled out completely in my suggestions above? Although if he could sneak away from the house and find a counseling office nearby he could implore them and then they could help him make the initial escape, that’s another thing I suggested. In cases like this, Psychologists aren’t really interested in money so much as the protection of other human beings. I’m pretty sure that any sane Psychologist would help him on an “emergency” basis and either waive their fees or tell him he could pay later when he got his feet on the ground. You’d have to be a pretty greedy jackass to say “Oh your parents are emotionally abusing you and you’ve had suicide ideation/can’t escape them/etc? Too bad so sad, go away, come back when you can pay.”</p>

<p>And one last thing… you can stand by the statement all you want, it’s not an unreasonable statement. But a first year Psych student could tell you you don’t say those kinds of things when the client has revealed depression to the point of suicide ideation, you leave that language out of things. Because that could trigger the ideation again. Honestly, I can’t believe I have to tell another person to shut their gobs about that sort of thing, I would think it would be a given. Seriously.</p>

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<p>I definitely agree with the rest that you need to get away from your parents. But, none of us(that I know of) are professionals on this topic. I would definitely seek counseling because those are the people that know what to do in this situation, anything I tell you is personal opinion.</p>

<p>I can say though that none of this is your fault, and the depression and stress are to be expected after having to deal with all this. Also, perhaps not immediately, but at some point I would suggest seeking out religion in a way uninfluenced by your parents. The twisted view they have of it is not the one any (sane) clergy would agree with. Finding the actual beliefs separated from your parent’s contorted teachings might even help ease you out of their abuse. Just don’t throw it all out because of their corruption.</p>

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<p>No, I’m not suicidal anymore, so don’t worry about that. That was a couple years ago. I will be 18 before long, so if my parents don’t relent, and keep me out of the dorms in the end, I will look into the military.</p>

<p>Thanks for all the advice guys. I really appreciate it.</p>

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<p>Yeah, and about religion, I have looked into another point of view on that. I still believe in God, but not in the way I was brought up, and even how my church teaches, a violent mean guy in the sky. That isn’t how I think of God anymore.</p>

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<p>Please keep us updated on what happens</p>