<p>@Memphis, don’t you think the Universe is telling you something when you get that many opportunities for a “full paid life” somewhere beyond the control of your mom?</p>
<p>I agree with the folks who have already posted: I’d take one of the full rides that doesn’t require your parents to file FAFSA/CSS. You can be truly independent if you can swing the cost of books, getting to the school, etc.</p>
<p>Time to get away from this Tiger Mom on steroids once and for good. Take one of the full ride offers and put the abusive parents in your past.</p>
<p>Are all the scholarships/grants in writing, (formal offers) - and guaranteed for all 4 years? Does Mom have to fill out a Fafsa for subsequent years or provide info such as tax returns? And, have you read any “fine print?”</p>
<p>Once you’ve figured out if you can afford to attend Vanderbilt, or selected one of the other schools if you can’t, then it might be worth contacting them and explaining your situation and desire to attend. I would hate to see Tiger mom decline on your behalf.</p>
<p>"The mother wouldn’t have any access to college records due to FERPA. The OP also has control over medical records at 18 (it’s automatic, I can see my daughter’s pharmacy orders online - right up until she turns 18 and then it will go dark for me) "</p>
<p>@cmgrayson
you don’t understand…</p>
<p>The mom can’t get access because of laws…BUT…she can get access if the D gives her access. And the mom may say, “give me access or we aren’t paying.”</p>
<p>“Cornelian”</p>
<p>?? which one is that? Is that the Cornelius Vanderbilt full tuition scholarship? </p>
<p>If so, then you still have about $18k uncovered per year. </p>
<p>I know that you think a “little birdie” in the office has told you that you’re getting it, I wouldn’t really count on that. My SIL was told by her neighbor who worked in USC’s office that awards scholarships that my nephew was going to get a merit award, and it never happened. So, it may happen, and it might not happen. </p>
<p>Would you be in Blair? Did you audition?</p>
<p>@mom2collegekids, presuming that the D folds and gives her access to records yeah but no 18 year old needs to stay in an abusive home. I don’t know what to tell her to do except take one of the scholarships (and try to repair the relationship somewhere down the road, time heals everything). Hesitant to say ‘break ties with your mother’ but yeah - move to Alabama. There are LOTS of other schools she can escape to (good enough stats to get into Vandy will get you a full ride at some lower tier colleges easily). She’s chomping at the bit now or else she wouldn’t be here asking for help with this. She can’t just stay there though (we’ll be reading about them on the nightly news). </p>
<p>As a matter of fact she should really be looking at the automatic full ride thread. She will need a guaranteed one.</p>
<p>@cmgrayson
It may be too late for most/many of the full rides. I bet nearly have deadlines that have past.</p>
<p>“presuming that the D folds and gives her access to records y”</p>
<p>I think the D may not have a choice IF SHE has to depend on her parents for FAFSA, CSS, or to help with any unfunded costs. </p>
<p>There are MANY kids who don’t have abusive parents who demand to see grades because they’re paying. If kids were to say, “no”, many parents would close their checkbooks.</p>
<p>Did the OP apply ED or not? If so, she needs to turn down other acceptances. The whole point of ED is that one can’t hold on to the acceptance to wait for other FA offers. </p>
<p>If OP needs a Stafford loan at any point, her parents will need to file FAFSA.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>In another thread the OP said she has 3 or so full ride offers already.</p>
<p>This situation sounds a lot like one documented in The Overachievers, about academically driven high schoolers. The mom eventually had Child Protection Services set on her. The older boy escaped to Harvard. The younger one was removed from the home. The dad divorced the mom. </p>
<p>My own inclination would be to do what’s needed to leave and go to school, heal from years of abuse, and see what the future holds. </p>
<p>Op,
I’m an Asian mom, and I’ve heard stories that are similar to yours, although not as severe. I know that in your heart, you are hoping that if you do what she says that she will change and become less critical and act more lovingly towards you. Even though I know that your mom loves you, she will NOT change on her own accord, even if you do everything that she requests. That’s the bottom line.</p>
<p>You are organized, motivated, smart and have an opportunity to get away from her to go to school with a lessened cost. Your strength of will got you your acceptances and your scholarships. Now is the time for an even greater strength of will to step towards a great future and a wonderful experience!</p>
<p>Will it “hurt” you mom? Sure. But many/most kids leave their moms, and it hurts all of us to varying degrees. But guess what? We all do get over it. You can’t stay with her because you are worried that you might hurt her feelings.</p>
<p>Will she disown you? Maybe, but highly unlikely. It’s a calculated risk that you have to take because you may not have these great opportunities in the future. </p>
<p>Going away to college and getting away from your mom full time will be the ONLY way that she MIGHT change in the future. If she does not disown you, then she might end up being a little less abusive during your visits home during breaks. How fun!</p>
<p>In my experience, the relationship becomes worse if the kid stays and tries to please the parent, because the parent is NEVER satisfied. In that case, the best thing for the child AND for the relationship is for the child to find a way out.
As for Vanderbilt, you applied ED. Do try the process of a person coming to offer the scholarship and presenting both scholarship and admission as a huge honor for the family. If your mother states it will have to be turned down, that person should be fully prepared to say it’s not possible since both you and her signed the ED agreement, which is binding. One problem is that your mother may be fully ready to keep you at home some more even if it means “blackballing” you for breaking the ED agreement.
If the Vanderbilt intervention fails, that will be your cue to get out no matter what -if that intervention fails, it means your mom would rather break a contract than let go of you, how more clear can it be that you need to leave on your own or you won’t be able to? You are in a better position than many abused kids because you got into several universities with full rides or near-full rides.
Look at the conditions for each offer carefully when it comes in: does one <em>not</em> require FAFSA? Then that’s the one you should go to, this way your mother will not be able to blackmail you with money. Itll make the relationship much healthier, too. Your mother will still love you, but she will not be able to hurt you as much and it’ll make the bonds between you stronger once you’ve asserted yourself (even though your mother may resent it a lot at first, she’ll also admire you for having guts.) You’ll be away at college, reconstructing yourself and hopefully involved in therapy on campus to get over all this. You sound like a very smart, level-headed young woman. In your heart of hearts, you know what you have to do, both for yourself and for your relationship with your mom.</p>
<p>OP, you have been given some sound advice here. Although I am not Asian, there is a difference between being demanding of a child and abuse. Your mother is abusive, and this is sick in any culture. I will add to this advise to attain your independence in the way that works for you- no matter where you attend. Your parents can pull the financial strings on you, but once you are financially independent, they won’t be able to. Financial independence- though getting your college degree and a good job- is your ticket to freedom. Keep this in sight always.
Once you are in college, I suggest you take advantage of the student health counseling centers to deal with the effects of abuse. You have considerable strengths. Not only have you endured this,but you have succeeded academically. You have amazing resilience.
Counseling will help you understand abuse and how to deal with your parents, as well as to heal emotionally. There is much more to learn beyond this thread, but a few key points. Abusers do not take responsibility for their actions. Your mother blames you, but her abuse has nothing to do with you. It is her sickness that leads her to see the world as it is and how she behaves. There is the tendency for the victims to appease and comply, in hopes to satisfy the abuser, or make things better, but because the problem is the abuser, nothing you do will make things better. In fact, appeasing her can make it worse.
Your mother’s need is for control. It has nothing to do with your goals or even the prestige of the college you go to. Your mother also abuses because it works- keeps her in control when everyone cowers to her. You know from psychology that this is positive reinforcement. So complying with her won’t make it better- it only holds her off until the next time.
You’ve been advised to leave. That would be great, but often if the victim tries to leave, the abuser’s behavior gets worse. This may explain mom’s recent actions. They try to hold on stronger. Your dad may go along with it since he seems focused on appeasing her. If you can get out and be financially independent through scholarships, that would be ideal. However, they may lock you in to their choice- because that is how they operate. If so, know that your success in college is your ticket out.
Counseling will give you the support and validation you need to survive this. Once at college, you are in control of your destiny. If the abuse escalates, you may have to leave and be on your own, but counseling will still be support through this.
There is another reason I recommend this. Abuse cycles in families. The reasons are deep rooted. Your mother likely abuses because someone abused her. You are a strong, intelligent, ( and from the picture that was removed- beautiful too), but you have not had any role models for healthy and loving relationships and parenting. This is not in your immediate future, but counseling can help you heal, so that you can one day have your own emotionally healthy family if you choose to. You deserve it. </p>
<p>You have been given much good advice here. Please, please, take one of the full rides and GET OUT. You are being offered the means to save yourself. Don’t throw away this gift. Do not compromise with your abuser. </p>
<p>Go to Vandy if a scholarship comes through that enables you to cover all of your costs. Go to Bama if it doesn’t. But GET OUT.</p>
<p>You have a long life ahead of you. Do not hobble yourself for the future by remaining in this abusive situation. You cannot change your mother by staying and allowing her to control and abuse you. You can only control what YOU do. Maybe she will come round if you go away to college, maybe she won’t. Maybe it will take 5 years, or 10, or 20. </p>
<p>It can be very difficult for a victim of domestic abuse to imagine life outside the abusive relationship. But there is another, better life out there. Take it. (And when you get to college, immediately talk to the counseling staff.)</p>
<p>I’d still like to hear what the net price comparisons are, based on the official offers. I think someone mentioned, the Cornelius Vanderbilt is full tuition plus some travel or research funding. Need-based fin aid can be added, but that takes OP to Fafsa/Profile territory, going forward. Also need to consider whether the outside scholarships are renewable. </p>
<p>I don’t think she need to worry about whether they are renewable, she just needs to get out now (I’d cross that bridge when I came to it next year). She’s for lack of a better word getting her azz kicked at home. I’m just trying to err on the side of positivity when I say there are full rides out there - they ain’t Vanderbilt or even Bama but they are there. She could be somewhere in the middle of Nebraska if she chooses. I also believe her when she says she has several full rides in hand. Does she have any witnesses to the abuse that can help her to be emancipated from a financial aid standpoint? Please don’t say how hard it is to get emancipated by financial aid - she still doesn’t need to stay and get punched, kicked, slapped around.</p>
<p>The merit portion of Cornelious Vandy is not FAFSA based - for additional need based she’d need FAFSA/CSS (@lookingforward has said the same thing here, just walking through this in my head since it is bothering me so much). She’d have to prove extenuating circumstances to be emancipated from a financial aid standpoint and should document the abuse (and also gather witnesses). It can be done. </p>