<p>Don’t worry about the ED at Vandy if it is not really affordable to you. Schools can’t/don’t legally enforce ED contracts. The biggest threat that they have is with a HS GC in terms of future potential applicants (i.e. basically not accepting future ED candidates from a particular HS). Since you are homeschooled so no future applicant follows you, there is really nothing that Vandy can do about it. And in reality, since Vandy is not your most affordable option, you are being very truthful and ethical about not being able to accept their ED acceptance.</p>
<p>I think being as financially independent at Mississippi State is a great idea. Being financially independent is going to give them the least control. I know we speak here on CC about the importance of the ED decision, because it is binding, but I personally think abusive parents is an extenuating circumstance. The admissions people are not heartless. Wait and see what happens with all your acceptances. The bottom line for cost for them is not known yet. However, financial independence at Mississippi State is a far more secure situation than depending on your parents’ money when they are unreliable and abusive. It could be four years of constantly begging for money while they make unreasonable demands and threaten to pull the financial rug over you whenever they want.
While parents are financially responsible for a student’s college in an ED decision, I think a letter explaining severe family problems, an unreliable source of income creating hardship for the OP, and the need to break the ED agreement to be at a college the student can pay for is a reason they would likely agree to.</p>
<p>Those scholarship decisions have not been made. My boss is on the board for Vandy and they have not convened yet.</p>
<p>The OP has made a lot of statements that just aren’t panning out, including acceptances and scholarships at a variety of schools, with Vandy ED but she can get out of it. Really? Everyone is assuming that her describing her mother as abusive makes it so, yet I think there are many teens in the world who would describe their parents are draconian. Doesn’t make it so. </p>
<p>I know a lot of Asian parents (I have an Asian child so we interact with the community). Some do have high standards, but I just don’t have enough info to advise this child to get out, leave her world behind AND that she’ll have enough money to go full time to college and not work. I don’t think she (or many on this board) realize how hard it is to be all on your own at 18 with nothing. No car, no health insurance, no ability to get a credit card, tough to get a bank account without paying for it, etc. Being 18, unemployed, and homeless is not a good thing, but don’t immediately go into debt with student loans.</p>
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<p>The OP described what would ordinarily be considered criminal acts of (physical) assault and battery (see the last sentence of the first post). Unless the OP is out-and-out lying, wouldn’t that clearly cross the threshold for what a reasonable person would consider “abuse”?</p>
<p>@twoin, What’s being advised here is that the student accept an offer from a college which will pay full expenses and (I think?) be a more rigorous school than the local private. If a parent is willing to disown a child simply for accepting an offer to get a good education while being financially responsible, I think the question of whether the parent has the best interests of the child as a priority is answered.</p>
<p>I don’t agree with physical or psychological punishment for children, but it is not illegal in many states, including Tennessee: </p>
<p>Permits criminal charges against a parent/guardian/custodian who administers “unreasonable” corporal punishment which causes “injury” to the child. § 39-15-401 [Criminal Code]</p>
<p>The punishment has to be ‘unreasonable’ and many people think it is reasonable for a parent to physically ‘correct’ a child. It would be very hard to convince a jury that a slap or hair pulling was unreasonable corporal punishment.</p>
<p>I’ve been poor in college. There are costs beyond tuition and room and board. There are school holidays and summers when you can’t live in the dorm or eat in the cafeteria. If she can become an independent student and take out loans (cash in hand) then yes, maybe it would work.</p>
<p>She already has a job and apparently some savings. And she sounds like a great kid, if her parents won’t take her back in for holidays, I expect she may find some friends willing to host her on those days. And, this is just the worst-case scenario. It’s quite possible she won’t be disowned. Many parents will make threats they don’t intend to follow through on. Yes, she’ll have to work. Many kids do.</p>
<p>Believe it or not slapping a child is not all that unusual. Spend a couple of hours in your average Wal-Mart parking lot and you will probably see some slapping. Just sayin’ </p>
<p>I also think this advice to run away at 17 is unrealistic and unnecessary. </p>
<p>She’s not running away. She’s enrolling in college, which is completely normal for kids of her age and academic accomplishment. If her parents choose not to welcome her back because upon reaching adulthood she didn’t want them to micromanage her life to the point of emotional and physical abuse if she didn’t meet their completely unreasonable expectations of perfection, it’s not that she ran away, it’s on them.</p>
<p>That’s great if she can afford to do that without any financial help from them. Somehow, it doesn’t quite sound as though that is the case. Some of the advice does seem to be cut all ties and get out as quickly as possible. First, she sounds reluctant about even wanting to do that. Second, it doesn’t sound economicaly feasible.</p>
<p>I know someone who got out that way, at age 17. But she didn’t have scholarships for school so she got a full-time job, rented a room, and has been going to school part-time while working full-time. She doesn’t take a penny from her parents, and she’s much the stronger for the experience. She’s 21 now, getting promotions at work, and still in school. </p>
<p>It can be done. </p>
<p>Of course, it can be done and in some circumstances it makes total sense to do it. Reading the OP’s posts I am unconvinced that is the case here. It may be, but has she ever had a job? Can she get one and figure out how to survive independently over the next few months. Does she even want to? I didn’t get that impression. But, I agree that it is possible. </p>
<p>actingmt: you said you read the OP’s posts. If you had, you’d have known she DOES have a job. And no one is suggesting she “survive independently over the next few months”. What we’re saying is that the full ride scholarship is her way out and perhaps her only chance at making a legitimate exit that will preserve her health, her future, and her independence as an adult, while leaving space to repair her relationship with her mom. OP has stated that she has full ride scholarships and, in addition to that, she can work and knows how to work. </p>
<p>What would you have her do? Should she enroll in the random college chosen by her mother and stay at home in such an unhealthy environment?
Do you think it’s okay to break her ED contract for that reason, but not to escape an abusive situation is okay (which legally no one can object to) - or what do you see as problematic in that situation? </p>
<p>Note to the person who mentioned slapping in the Walmart parking lot: 1° the reason you noticed is because it is NOT admissible and kind of shocking 2° I’m willing to bet most of the slapped kids were 2 to 8 and none were 17.
I’m also willing to bet OP’s mother would never display violence in public, but is sweet and charming when she’s with others. That’s a typical pattern with abusers.</p>
<p>Kids getting slapped (in the face) is ALWAYS an issue coming from the adult, as hitting the face is personal and it comes from a hateful place in the person who does the slapping; the adult is responsible for losing control (that happens to all of us but not as a pattern), when it becomes a pattern of adult ticked off for random reason/child getting hit then the child becomes the adult’s punching ball and that’s punishable by law; or, more frightening, using control to hurt the person they’re in charge of. It does not come from love, ever. Nor do punching or hair pulling. yes those would be considered abuse and yes OP could press charges. OP doesn’t want to, as most abused kids don’t, but thinking slapping, punching, and hair pulling come from love is wrong. And any physical discipline that comes from something else than love is called abuse. It nearly always is when we’re talking teenagers and it only stops if the teen hits back or leaves.
Psychologists have also found that the worst abuse actually is verbal, not physical, in that the damage is much more insidious and takes much longer to repair. OP’s mother is both verbally and physically abusive. No responsible adult would advise OP to stay in that situation. The full ride scholarships are something many abused kids wish they had as, concretely, OP will be living in dorms, eating in the cafe, reading in the library, receiving counselling, and living away from that nightmare (although she may not realize how bad it is because she’s inside it for now). She will be taken care of for 4 years. </p>
<p>So, I thought there was some question about whether room and board were covered. If so obviously she should go and would be crazy not to but if not then it’s a little more complicated. Also, it’s very easy to label everything intolerable abuse. That’s more complicated, too. The OP seems to realize this. seriously, in one of her posts she is talking about stuff that happened when she was 8. There are many kids could make a long list of unfortunate parental conflicts but they would not meet the standards for criminal abuse. I agree with twoinanddone and posted because this thread only had one side. Basically, get out now no matter what. Your mom is crazy. It sounds more nuanced than that to some of us. That’s all. </p>
<p>I’ve quickly read these posts and have a question to OP: did you call Vanderbilt’s admissions office and earnestly discuss your unique and worrisome family situation regarding your obstructionist (and likely borderline personality disordered) mother? You’re an accepted ED1 student, and school deserves to hear your story - full, frank, and honest disclosure, including your mother’s specific abusive behavior towards you. Let them counsel you, and help you negotiate with financial aid folks. Common knowledge says ED financial packages are firm and final. But that’s not necessarily true, because our student’s FA merit package was substantially increased after acceptance, when I called FA to inquire. And if you need to decline the ED1 package because your mother refuses to pay EFC, then Vanderbilt needs to know anyways.</p>
<p>OP: your story mirrors many aspects of mine. Regrettably, abusive mothers like ours don’t improve with age - the situational dynamic only worsens. When I was your age, I thought it impossible to extricate myself from my role as my mother’s constant target. The sooner you remove yourself from your mother’s reach, the sooner you can begin to enjoy your life and achieve your goals for your future. Best wishes. </p>