Accepted but not ready

Parents Forum
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<p>My son is being horrible. There's no other way to phrase it. He lies, is unmotivated, lazy and suffers from the common entitlement syndrome. Our dilemma......to send in the fall and cross our fingers or to say- forget it and defer.</p>

<p>ADHD
Got into Marist, Ithaca, College of Charleston, U Hartford Miami Ohio and Suffolk></p>

<p>One option is to send while he has all of these music scholarships to the school that has the most support. Research shows Marist and College of Charleston...any input on this?</p>

<p>Other option is to defer and have him go to a CC although we think he needs to leave (and we can't take him anymore!)</p>

<p>Expensive option is to send to prep PG year </p>

<p>Or---cahnge school plan and send to Landmark or Mitchell</p>

<p>Over 200 on SATs and now failing due to immaturity, POT, laziness and being spoiled- I take credit and fault myself and my H.</p>

<p>tried my best but he has worn me down Feel like this is his chance bu he is going to fail. I think he nees a better foundation but, theres money to think about and if he does a GAP he might get out of the "academia" mode . I am very worried and don't know what to do.</p>

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<p>I think you would find that a HIGH proportion of parents have felt this way at some point during the last year…</p>

<p>The best thing is probably to tell yourself that your S is working through the natural separation process. </p>

<p>My advice: pony up the $$, send him off, and hope that he matures. If he is the exception and REALLY not ready, be prepared to pull the plug <em>before</em> paying for second semester. You might want to have a talk with him about this: “You have to achieve at least a ** average–I’d suggest a C, unless that means losing a scholarship–or we pull the plug.”</p>

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<p>Make SURE that he knows that if he fails his high school classes, he may very well get his admissions and scholarships rescinded this summer!!! :eek:</p>

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<p>I don’t have much optimism for this situation after reading your username.</p>

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<p>Talk to his guidance counselor and any other HS staff who know him/his situation. Some of his behavior sounds like typical senioritis that won’t improve until he leaves home. Some puts him at high risk- the HS pros can help more than other parents. He may need to hear that he could loose his acceptance to college if his schoolwork falters. My gut feeling is that he needs to get away and will surprise you in college, presuming a “good fit” college was chosen. I presume he was involved in choosing his colleges and wants to go. Most parents have doubts about their sons’ ability to cope with college based on their at home behavior- for most the student rises to the challenge. Good luck.</p>

<p>PS- crossposted with all of the above. I hope you picked your user name out of frustration and not your true feelings about your son.</p>

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<p>You may be underestimating your son. If he has received music scholarships, he must have practiced quite a bit in order to be a good enough musician to qualify. It seems then that he is not motivated to put efforts into other areas of study.
If you are afraid that he will leave academia, threatening him with cutting off funds if he does not apply himself may not be the best motivator.
What does he want to study? Has he got a career in mind? If music is his passion, he needs to know how difficult it is to sustain a career in it, so he needs to have something to fall back onto. I know several people who worked as receptionists or secretaries and played in rock bands in the evenings and on weekends. Perhaps if he can see that getting a college degree is the best way to nurture his music, he may be motivated to try harder.</p>

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<p>Send him out the door in the fall, to the least expensive acceptance that is at least a couple of hours away from your house. :wink: He may surprise you.</p>

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<p>I am confronting the same issue - though certainly not to the same degree. S has worn me down this year - with blown opportunities and missed deadlines in school, and poor senior grades that likely cost him in the more competitive admissions. That said, he was admitted to all his safeties, with significant (more than 1/2) of all expenses paid, and to several honors colleges in larger public schools. He is not excited about attending any of them ----but has, in the last week, managed to get himself interviews for Americorps (convinced someone to take a late application - this child could sell you a piece of the sky for all the money you have and make you think you got the better deal) and a job offer (get this - 25K !) in an area that he has done as an EC for several years. He’s not enthusiastic about the prospect of his schools and I am torn about the whole gap year thing - is he really just trying to separate from what we have wanted for him (academic sucess) to what he wants for himself? Encouraging him to take a FT job out of high school seems like such craziness…</p>

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<p>Don’t pay the entire tuition. Have him hand over his life savings, savings bonds from birth, inheritance, coin collection, whatever. Have a garage sale of his childhood items and put everything towards the first semester tuition. If he gets an acceptable grade report, carry his money into a credit for the second semester. If he flunks out, at least it’s partially on his dime.
This worked very well in our family for a student who could not seem to complete his work. At the end of graduate school, his parents gave him most of the initial investment back.</p>

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<p>What does he want to do?
Does he feel he is ready?</p>

<p>My perspective: If he says he is ready, give him the ‘rules’ before sending in the deposit. If he needs help deciding where to go, be sure to look at suspension/probation policies and where the most supportive environment is.</p>

<p>Our rules(stated before first kid’s deposit sent: we pay, you take our standard Stafford loans. Your job is to get your degree; we keep track of what we spend, if you are not continually in good standing at your school you will pay us back for our investment outlay. If you finish the degree, our investment is our gift to you.</p>

<p>PS Had one who we couldn’t take anymore. Did finish on time and landed a job!</p>

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<p>It seems to me that the OP has to let the student find the path. I am trying hard to do that with my DS at the moment. What does the OP’s student wish to do? I am growing warm to the idea that the path my DS is most engaged with, is the one he’s likely to invest in - and, if that is not school - then so be it - though I never would have wanted that…</p>

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<p>I have a sib who went straight to work after HS; wasn’t really a student. Now in third career and has 2 masters degrees. The ‘students’ in our family have stopped at one graduate degree.</p>

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<p>I agree with gadad.</p>

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<p>“I don’t have much optimism for this situation after reading your username.”</p>

<p>I agree. I feel sorry for the OP’s son. Sure, our kids can be frustrating sometimes, but I don’t think your kid deserves to be called an idiot.</p>

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<p>I think you’re being hard on the OP Northstar. The user name gave me a chuckle, but we are clearly hearing from a very frustrated parent.</p>

<p>Most parent’s don’t get this frustrated with the typical kid doing a little senior slacking. she’s talking pot, entitlement issues and immaturity. I’ve seen too many people send kids fitting this description to college (we have quite a few in NYC!) and waste their money and get the kid in a situation where a decent grad school will be out of the question, instead of waiting until the kid was ready. Pretty much every parent I’ve known to ask this question has lived to regret sending the kid in spite of their instinct not to.</p>

<p>I vote for the PG year, it could be just the thing to get him to the maturity point where freshmen year won’t be an out of control party. Hopefully his college will let him defer and keep the scholarships. He should look like an even better candidate after the right PG year.</p>

<p>I’m not sure why so many would pack off a kid they know isn’t ready for college. Who cares whether they’re 18 or 22, they need to be in the frame of mind to take advantage of the opportunities.</p>

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<p>I feel really bad for your son. I think I would do the same for such parents, I may even go into depression. either way, have him pay as much as he can, and you work on your parenting… I have seen a lot of kids (around his age and younger) who mirror your son’s symptoms. Have them work their ass off for the summer. You are the boss, remember, and show that to him. Take him to a counselor and tell him (if he is 18) that unless he goes you don’t pay.</p>

<p>I suggest looking into a prep PG year, if you can afford it. Certain schools offer generous FA, though that may have drained out by PG year. </p>

<p>Posts like these are sad. Kids like these sound bad. Parents who think of their kids such as this are bad.</p>

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<p>I wouldn’t send him off to college unless he has some skin in the game. Otherwise you’re just sending him to Club Med, where he can hang out, get laid, smoke dope, and fail his classes on your dime. Then you’ll probably bail him out again, and again.</p>

<p>He’s got to be invested in college-- he has to want to go, and be willing to pay part of the freight. Otherwise it’s a waste of time, and (your) money. If he won’t or can’t step up, he can get a job. And pay rent until he can afford to move out.</p>

<p>Time to man up.</p>

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<p>“I think you’re being hard on the OP Northstar. The user name gave me a chuckle, but we are clearly hearing from a very frustrated parent.”</p>

<p>Lots of us including me know what it’s like to be a frustrated parent. Heck, older S is a college drop-out who got a 0.38 or so average fall semester of his freshman year, then did even worse spring semester. </p>

<p>However, it’s a bad idea to “joke” by creating an on-line name for oneself that makes fun of one’s kid. The OP’s kid or his friends could see her post, and that would make the situation the OP is concerned about even worse.</p>

<p>“I vote for the PG year, it could be just the thing to get him to the maturity point where freshmen year won’t be an out of control party. Hopefully his college will let him defer and keep the scholarships. He should look like an even better candidate after the right PG year”</p>

<p>I vote for that, too. If I could do one thing over with my kids, I would have had my older S – who got excellent merit aid to an out of state college – stay home and work while taking a gap year. He simply wasn’t ready for college, and after flunking out, he never went back. He now lives on his own, supporting himself (low paying job, no benefits) far from where we live, and says he never plans to go to college.</p>

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<p>Well, I sympathize because of recent frustrations with my own D. And I appreciate your candor.</p>

<p>I do think that if your child is smoking pot that this could explain a lot of his behavior. And I am just not sure if he is a casual user or has a greater problem. Is he on medication for ADHD? </p>

<p>I would address the ADHD and pot smoking. Perhaps if the ADHD were under some control,then he would not feel the need to self-medicate…?? </p>

<p>Next, I would look at his options and my bank account and, like some others have suggested, see which school seems affordable and supportive. If he will need accommodations for his ADHD, call the schools and see what they offer for support. (Did he have testing accommodations for his SAT? How did he get into college with a 200 SAT?) </p>

<p>So, anyway, a chat about finances and reality, a summer job [I suggest outdoors – camp counselor or lifeguard, tho many employers urine test and pot shows up], and whoosh, he is out the door off to college. With his summer savings from a job, he can buy his books and have spending money for the first semester.</p>

<p>Be optimistic. Pay little mind to those here who are critical of you for expressing honest feelings. When you clearly state your expectations to your son, he may surprise you by rising to the occasion. And, quite frankly, at this point, our kids are ready for a new environment, new challenges, new people, and so on, and your son may do really well come Fall.</p>

<p>PS I vote for Marist. C of C is a party school.</p>

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<p>Unfortunately, smoking pot may just be the surface of the iceberg. Other drugs including heroin are now prevalent with grade school kids in my area. It is better to get help and not ignore the issue.</p>