Adapting to not working -- advice please

Parents Forum Parent Cafe
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I retired from full time work in 2011. My husband retired in 2022. I did nine or so long term leave positions and a few shorter ones. I am on a town commission which I love. I work as a poll worker, and I like that too. I also volunteer two mornings a week at a charity thrift shop and that’s a lot of fun.

At this point, if I never work for pay again…I’m fine with that!

When my husband was still working…I did all of the household tasks like shopping, cleaning, cooking (maybe that’s why I’m sick of those tasks…see other thread).

I see some students pro bono, because I like to and I can.

Oh…and just FYI…if your community finds out you are looking for things to volunteer to do…get ready to be able to say NO. I’m regularly asked to do lots of things. I could be busier now than I was when I worked full time and doing all the things with our kids…and I’m not kidding about that.

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I know what you mean. I’m afraid to volunteer for anything at church - every time I do something, it seems that there is someone who wants me to do more. I have gotten very good at saying no. It probably surprises people, because I used to jump in and do everything. I’m not in that place in life anymore, though, so I have learned to set boundaries.

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I think it takes time. Time to grieve the loss of your dad. The loss of the job. The loss of purpose.

I think it’s also difficult because “some people” would like to be judge and jury. I’ve experienced it. They ask what do you do? Or make comments about your lack of a job. Or a career.

One of my kids does that. So does my sibling (they are probably influencing the kid). Even if no one is questioning things, maybe you are. Or think that others are.

The only person who have to answer to is you. And your husband. Who supports you.

My husband and I are both retired now. For us it happened a little earlier than we wanted. But it’s ok and we have opportunities now to help our family. If they need it. Parents are getting older. Husband has had medical issues. Daughter also. It’s a gift.

I guess that’s what I’m tired of. Trying to please everyone and everything. Retirement from expectations.

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I live in a college town, and it is actually hard to find volunteer spots between the students and retirees. I am on two waiting lists, and two places just flat out said they don’t need volunteers now. So that was a surprise!

I think there’s a lot of truth in needing to grieve working. My last week as scheduled didn’t happen bc my M/D both went to the ER that weekend before and my oldest sib sent a mayday for help, so I went. My office did a virtual email goodbye card, but that was that.

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There are lots of political organizations that would love more volunteer help. If you’re into that sort of thing . . . .

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The suggestions everyone has made are wonderful, but the “lost” feeling can be deeper than activities can reach, when grieving. It takes time after a death and for all of us it takes time for what we have collectively gone through with COVID.

I have resolved to start volunteering at an animal shelter, as an ombudsman for assisted living and will go back to tai chi and art that were interrupted by the pandemic and caregiving for my mother.

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I am not retired yet, but I have been going on group tours - wine and food. I have met some nice people on the trip that I do see from time to time.
When I first got divorced I wondered how I was going to fill my time without kid and no H at home. It did take some adjustment…but the biggest treat I give myself is to feel fine about doing nothing.
When I have a weekend to myself, I’ll give myself a vacation day on Saturday and do everything I have to do on Sunday. A vacation day means playing few video games, surf the net, watch few tv series, take a nap, order take out, and not talk to anyone. I used to feel guilty about not being “productive,” but not any more. :slight_smile:

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First of all, let me say that I am sorry for your loss. Daddy’s are a huge loss to their daughters and our Daddy’s quietly did a LOT for us and it’s hard to deal with a big change, so you are feeling a little guilty because you aren’t physically there and want to help.

Your post could have been written by me.
I used to volunteer a LOT, but I agree with @kelsmom, once people find out that you have a STRONG work ethic, they tend to abuse you, so you HAVE to learn how to say “no”.

Plus, . . . . woman, you have earned some time off!
Don’t feel guilty about having an “ice cream” day and watching some ME tv or HGTV. That’s why we have remotes with Netflix, Disney Plus, etc.

You have the support of your husband. Take some time to grieve and then find a couple of community classes that interest you.

I just recently took a community college class on how to apply make-up, by a professional who worked in LA, on movie sets. The class had about 20 women, of ALL ages, and it was fun! Some people still had their make-up from the '70’s (Bonnie Bell)! We all learned a lot from her and from the young women in their 20’s.

Remember, that you worked hard for all of the years that you worked from sun-up to beyond sundown. It’s okay for you to “not work”. It’s okay to be “retired”. Do you have a hobby? Sew, bake, cook, crochet, teach?

Our local Children’s Hospital has volunteer “baby” holders who are in intensive care units and all they do is sing, rock, and talk to the babies while the nurses attend to the medical needs.

There are needs everywhere.

Hey, I’m not local, but I bet a lot of people on here will be your friend online. I will be your friend! Send me a PM and discuss the new movie Big Fat Wedding 3!

Please don’t feel guilty! We get enough of that BS from society!

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If possible, try to find an excuse to get outside. Autumn is a glorious time. If this were a local forum, I’d suggest being walking partners. Mostly I walk (and run) alone and enjoy listening to podcasts. Also I enjoy gardening in the yard - many of the flowers were planted by my mother, and it’s nice “being with her” in the yard.

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So many great suggestions have been offered, so the only other idea I have is to consider learning to play bridge. Find a class or teacher through the library or if you can find a local bridge club; many rec centers, senior or community centers, continual learning centers, or other local facilities offer lessos. The game can be played at many levels and provides opportunities to widen your social circle as well as keep your mind active.

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Actually, check your town recreation and senior centers (ours actually lets almost anyone come to wHa they offer). There are things like cooking classes, foreign languages, sewing, other crafts, painting etc.

I took piano lessons. So much fun!

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Some people like structure. Both of my parents still work part-time. While I’m all ready to retire. lol

What do you like doing? You could volunteer to walk dogs at a shelter or foster animals? You could volunteer at a library or school reading to kids. Etc.

You could turn a hobby into a job. Sell artwork or photography or refinished furniture…

Find out what makes you happy.

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@greenbutton acknowledging your post and feelings - I think they are very similar to many people. Some people can more easily adjust to retiring/not working - getting in that mindset - for others it takes time - and for some it NEVER really sets in! All of these are ok if they are based on how you want to live your life!

I am still working. Probably another year and then honestly, I’d love to find something part time. I like working, helping others (I work in health care/non-profit) and I like money. :slight_smile: I also relate to not having a big network (friends, family) - IRL I’m not a groupie! It can be hard to find your “people”.

I like a routine. Even on the weekend I like a routine. I sort of thrive on being productive. Not everyone is that way. Are you that way?? Do you feel like at the end of the day you need to be able to say “today was a good day. I did enjoy some reading on the chaise but I also accomplished this/this/this”.

Tell us more about what you like to do or what your interests are (or were in the past before life and work took all your time!) That might help us help you.

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My mother is 87. She likes to trade stocks. She listens to CNBC about their views on the market/stocks. She plots out highs and lows of the stocks she is interested in. She made around 6 figures one year and complained greatly when she got hit with huge taxes. She doesn’t take big risks, only buys with cash. She said by trading she keeps her mind sharp and it gives her something to do few hours a day. It also gets her engaged on what’s going on in this world.
She goes out to lunch once a week with a group of friends, goes to her condo community to do line dance every Friday, and she plays Mahjong with few groups of people. Her days are very structured and she has something to do everyday.

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My grandparents lost their youngest child in a terrible accident when she was a toddler. Very shortly after the funeral, a couple whom they did not even know very well invited them over to play bridge. They played bridge with my grandparents every Wednesday for over 2 years. My grandmother said it was what kept her from going insane.

Decades later, when they were isolated by poor health, my grandparents invited my teenage brother and sister over to learn to play bridge. Same thing-- they had a standing date every week until they went off to college.

10 years after that, when she moved to a new city half way across the country, my sister joined a bridge club. She made good friends. She is still playing.

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I’m a teacher and I feel lost every summer! At the beginning of this last summer, my husband said, “please don’t redecorate our house again! There’s nothing that needs to be done here.” Party pooper :wink: I’m starting to toy with the idea or retirement, but I think I’ll just go part time and teach fewer classes. I don’t know that I’d function well being home full time.

Did you tell us what you did before you retired?

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I am so sorry for your grandparents’ loss, but am heartened to know the bridge helped them along. Your lovely story suggests that @greenparent could offer to play with her Mom as partners, too, to and learn something together if both are interested.

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Before I left my job, I had spent most of my working career in elementary education. These past few years I worked in higher ed, 40 hr/wk but a dismal hourly wage which I was okay with bc I could be super flexible about time and then COVID put us all remote. Once it was clear that my father was not going to recover, I asked myself if the measley pay was worth giving up hours with him (they are 250 miles away) and of course it wasn’t. I don’t think I want to be someone’s employee again.

Someone asked what do I like to do — I like kids, and libraries (neither our library nor our school are using volunteers now), I read, I garden, I run a faith community’s garden, … I used to sing in a gospel choir (really!) but that became zero fun when fundraising became a big thing. My DiL got me tap shoes :slight_smile: I hadn’t thought of bridge, or something like that, at all. I had hoped to work on my own fitness and am waiting to see my dr to be cleared for some things.

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What about being an elementary school substitute teacher?

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Substitute teaching could be fun… What subject do you teach? I teach at a private school that’s on a block schedule for high school, so if I taught three classes, I’d only go 2 or 3 times a week. That’s my retirement plan for now.

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