Adcom wouldn't let me to talk to "random" students - only those she brought to office

Prep School Admissions
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<p>Although I do think the situation could have been handled better, I think you may be making a mountain out of a molehill. Based on your reaction, it seems you think the school officials were trying to hide something—stop you from talking to those students. Do you really think this was the case? It is hard for me to picture the scenario—you casually walking over to a group of students, two admissions people observing your intent, and immediately go into Operation **Stop Students from Talking to Prospective Parents **mode. How did the adcom’s know the roles to play—one adcom would “shoo” the students along, while the other one would talk to you—offering you an opportunity to speak with the “Stepford” students. How do you know that these kids in the cafeteria would not be the same students she would have brought to the admissions office if you had accepted the adcom’s request to set up an interview for you? When she did make this offer, did she offer any explanation why you couldn’t speak with those students at that particular time? Did she even say anything such as, “the lunch hour is almost over, and the kids need to get to class?” Or, did she just walk up to you and say, “If you would like to speak with the students, I can arrange an interview for you.” I guess if it were me, I would have asked the admissions person about it when my daughter’s interview was over (I think you referred to this person as Adcom1.)</p>

<p>Again, I do agree it wasn’t handled smoothly, but unless you truly believe there was an overt conspiracy to keep you from talking to random black students, I would just chalk it up to an awkward situation. If you think the students would have told you negative things about the school and that is why they were being kept from you—well, than that is another story—reason to be concerned and reason not to apply to the school.</p>

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<p>Just a thought from a student: Parents can be very pushy and bothersome. The admissions officer might have been trying to help the students out of a situation they didn’t want to be in. Most tour guides are not “stepford” students but just students who are willing to volunteer their time. Lastly, why did you feel it was appropriate to go into the school’s Dinning Hall.</p>

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<p>jennycriag - </p>

<p>As I said in post #21, I’m not saying there’s anythig sinister going on, but perhaps the policy suggests a sch that is too conserv/rigid for us. Also the absence of any explanation raises questions re: responsiveness in general.</p>

<p>rbupe-</p>

<p>Adcom#1 suggested that, rather than wait in the admssions reception area, I might prefer to get a cup of coffee in the dining room while she interviewed D.</p>

<hr>

<p>I accept that some poster think adcom2’s conduct was insignif (or a figment of my imagin). But even if the incident is a molehill, w/ lots of sch where D could have a good exp, a single unpleasant incident will likely be sufficient to keep D from even applying.</p>

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<p>

Why wouldn’t it be appropriate to go into the dining hall?</p>

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<p>Because you are a visitor at the school and are not entitled to go poking around. If you are accepted and revisit in March/April then you can ask students whatever you like.</p>

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<p>

At every one of our visits we were told we could wander around afterwards. I don’t consider the dining hall “poking around.” A dorm room, yes, but really the dining room is a “public” place. Visit the school for any reason - athletic event, play, music performance, and you might be inclined to peek into the dining hall or a classroom or the weight room. I’ve been to many of my son’s basketballs games and have wandered around the gym building while waiting for him. These are places that the schools have invited the public to.</p>

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<p>I think the OP had a bad experience and that’s where the discussion should end. If a school gives you the willies, that’s perfectly fine. There’s no need to justify your feeling or go out of your way to have others affirm it. But I think that’s what’s going on here. And some of us have fallen into the trap of not respecting a parent’s prerogative to just not like a school “because.”</p>

<p>The back-and-forth here seems to be rooted in both our very different and highly personal feelings and expectations as well as, I think, a sense that the facts don’t correlate to our own experiences – making the facts all the more outrageous or all the more suspect.</p>

<p>In this case the facts we’ve been provided say

While going to the cafeteria seems normal and the sort of place where the school’s invited guests would be welcome, it’s still a curious move considering I have not been to one school where coffee service wasn’t provided in the admission building/office cluster/wing. Most schools had someone there who’s job was to make sure parents were taken care of. And then there’s the whole time thing. It would be weird to have the applicant interview end and then be a no-show for the parent interview. This wasn’t wandering around afterwards. It was wandering around DURING the interview. So – because we were invited to opine on the mountain or molehill position – I waded in and opined, as did others. And so we’ve gone off on tangents arguing about wandering-around rights at boarding schools. </p>

<p>But here’s the thing: Does it even matter if the OP was right or wrong? No! If she got weirded out by someone’s reaction to her, regardless of who was at fault or not at fault, that’s her prerogative. End of discussion.</p>

<p>I think this is as important for the OP to understand as those who have urged her to reconsider. The original question needn’t have been asked. There’s no need to seek our affirmation that you had bad vibes. I think there was a negative experience to that visit and there’s no need to seek justification or offer up justifications for that sort of reaction.</p>

<p>If, for whatever reason, you think a school is too creepy – even if it’s just some sort of “negative karma” that you sense – there’s no objective “right” or “wrong” measure as to what to do.</p>

<p>I can see many parents reacting negatively to this sort of thing. Frankly, if I had crossed some invisible line of propriety and had it called to my attention by an AdCom, I would be soured on the school. Come to think of it, I believe I did have a similar experience – and I bet others here have had them as well. I recall being in an overflowing waiting area on one visit. I gave up my seat for someone and there was no place to go in the parlor room for applicants so I stood in a hallway where there was some breathing room, pretending to immerse myself in a chart or framed picture of all the past heads of school. After 5-10 minutes, the door behind me opened and several AdCom people came out. One of them looked me up and down and asked me, “Can I help you because you’re not supposed to be here.” He thought I might have been eavesdropping! “Well,” I thought to myself, “screw you, pal!” I really REALLY detest that school, largely because of that encounter. And that’s my prerogative. So, yes, I get that it’s the OP’s prerogative to hate the school she’s talking about.</p>

<p>But if this fact scenario isn’t contrived or slightly engineered to justify a bad feeling about the school, it’s certainly highly specific to the OP and offers few lessons of a broad application.</p>

<p>Was she making a mountain out of a molehill? For her, no. For other people, no. For still other people, yes. Do our opinions or do our explanations make a difference to how she feels? No. (In my case, if you came up with some explanation that proved I was in the wrong, I’d still assert my right to dislike the school “just because” if you weren’t extremely persuasive.) Arguing over whether she was right or wrong is sort of futile. I can’t imagine this sort of complex scenario being replicated. </p>

<p>The only things I can think this situation is useful for is to remember to plan ahead as much as possible with respect to your needs on a tour/interview visit and to respect the fact that no amount of reasoning can trump someone’s “gut feeling” about a school. As for the latter point, that means there’s no use in trying to persuade someone that their gut feeling is wrong just as there’s no need to explain to others why your gut feeling is right. If you’re the person who experienced it, you’re always right to feel the way you feel.</p>

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<p>

At our most recent visit (all boys school, so it could not have been the same one), it was a Saturday and no one was there to greet us - we lingered in the hallway / waiting room until someone showed up and we were offered coffee in the dining hall too - it is in the same building as admissions so that is probably why. All the other schools, the dining hall was quite a walk away which is one reason, I imagine, they serve you in the office.</p>

<p>Yes, we have found (thankfully, I had stressed over this!) almost when you walk onto campus if the school “feels” right. </p>

<p>I wasn’t by the way, making a judgement about the OP’s visit, just sharing our recent experiences.</p>

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<p>I’m sure many of us have had negative experiences visiting schools and had to follow our gut. Most of the time it’s all we’ve got. nyc stated that her child had a good experience with the adcom she met with. For that reason I thought it might be worth another look.</p>

<p>We had a disappointing experience at one school that was supposed to be absolutely wonderful. It wasn’t to us. It was snobby beyond belief and we crossed it off of our list before we even left the campus. Nothing could have convinced me to take another look at it. Fortunately, our child felt the same way so it was an easy decision. </p>

<p>These are all such personal choices. As they say, you might not remember what people say, but you always remember how they make you feel.</p>

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<p>Of course, the ultimate decision is up to NYC. We all talk about the “fit” of a school—this school may not fit for her, based on this single incident. However, NYC asked us to weigh in with our opinions, which we did. </p>

<p>I liked reading this thread. It exemplified how people can view the same situation completely differently. I especially enjoyed hearing from the students’ perspective. Moreover, not one student said that they would have appreciated prospective parents ask them direct questions in a random meeting. It gave me pause—and I will be mindful of this when I start touring schools with my youngest daughter. </p>

<p>If for no other reason, this thread was valuable to me. I did learn something from it.</p>

<p>Oh… and another lesson I learned–is to plan ahead, as D’yer suggested–don’t leave meetings to chance.</p>