ADD kids in gap year - without a plan

Parents Forum
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<p>I would love some advice about my sons. They need guidance, but as is often they case they don’t want to listen to their parents. I don’t want to leave them completely to their own devices but do not want to nag them either since it doesn't have any effect. </p>

<p>They are identical twins, graduated from HS in June, and turned 18 last week. They were diagnosed with inattentive ADD at the very end of their junior year in HS. One son wanted to take meds and the first day on Concerta he was amazed at how interesting his calculus textbook was all of a sudden. Over the long term, I couldn’t see that the Concerta made a difference in grades. They have both been indifferent students since the start of middle school (I thought they were just lazy). Anyway, at their public high school there are basically two (unspoken) tracks: AP/Honors and Everything Else. For whatever reason, they insisted on taking the AP/Honors stuff and ended up with a lot of C grades. They are smart, funny, good kids; never do anything they aren’t supposed to do, they just frequently don’t do what they’re supposed to do. The low grades usually had more to do with not completing work rather than the quality of what they did.</p>

<p>Thank goodness, they decided they weren’t ready for college and are taking a gap year. I told them that was great but they needed a plan. It’s nearly September and there is still no concrete plan. They both want to apply to art school to study film making, and the idea is that they will be working on portfolios. They actually have done a lot of photography over the summer with a new camera they pooled their funds to buy, and have been working on a couple of short films. Soon all their friends will be off to college (their closest friends are attending Yale, Middlebury and Oberlin) and their network and collaborators will be gone. Our local community college has quite a good art department but they have developed a degree of snobbery about CC, alas. There is a great sounding video foundations course they could take but they just won’t do it. I think they really need some structure for their portfolio-building - and support from people who know what they're doing. But they want to do it all on their own, or maybe they really ARE lazy.</p>

<p>I just don’t know what kind of help, support, etc I should be offering. I am insisting that they apply for jobs – they need to learn responsibility and they need at least to support their increasingly sophisticated tastes in clothing – even that isn’t going so well. I said I would withhold allowance until they applied for ONE JOB. That was 6 weeks ago! One kid has applied for one job (and got an interview!), the other has not. I really feel like a dud as a parent.</p>

<p>Any ideas?</p>

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<p>I wish I knew what to tell you. It’s hard. I have one that worked part-time all last year, after failing her first year of college. I think you’re on the right track in using money, or lack of money, to motivate them to find jobs. After a while of earning minimum wage, they may be motivated to take some classes.</p>

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<p>So you’re saying they just need to apply for one job to get an allowance? Where do I sign up for that? haha You should withhold allowance whether they get or apply for a job. Anybody that is a high school graduate shouldn’t be given an allowance by their parents.</p>

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<p>They got C’s in high school, but are snobs about CC’s?</p>

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<p>I think I would try to find them a mentor if I were you - maybe through USC or UCLA or even through your CC. And I would stop giving them allowance. They’re 18.</p>

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<p>Ok, first, sorry it took so long for your sons to be identified as add. </p>

<p>As the mom of an add student, I have found that concrete deadlines and concrete consequences are the only things that work. </p>

<p>ie: by september 1, if you have not applied for minimum of 3 jobs, no more money from me . </p>

<p>You will take 4 - 3 credit courses (12 credits total) at the local CC and get a grade of B or better before we will entertain financing 4 year college applications, much less actually going away to a 4 year college.</p>

<p>Make one of the goals about their art: you will submit two complete film entries to serious independent contests/reviews by November 30. </p>

<p>What else? Make them responsible their own car insurance and maintenance, or no use of the car? </p>

<p>Maybe consider having them work with an add coach during this time to learn how to manage their add better. That may be some of the best money you could spend since they are so far behind in that skill, and could use help catching up. Plus, you would not be the nag. </p>

<p>A gap year should be about growth and readiness to go to college. Not about being a couch potato. </p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

<p>Sent from my DROID RAZR using CC</p>

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<p>toledo: Is your D going back to school this year or taking more time off to work?</p>

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<p>…gap year doesn’t mean anything more than the kids aren’t going to college the fall after they graduate. You say your sons don’t have a “plan.” I agree when you suggested that the plan is you tell them to get a job. If that isn’t kicking their rears in gear…give them a timeline to continue living at home. I agree that not going immediately off to college is mostly about being ready and willing for college. It might take a year, it might take five years, it might never happen. By 18 we are past being able to ‘parent’ our kids through college and we shouldn’t. College is a privilege, high school is a right. Make sure the boys understand the difference. I personally, would not really want adult boys living in my house and expecting the lifestyle they had at 13 or 14. That would turn me into an instant lunatic. Hopefully you can dig deep and find some tough love.</p>

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<p>I can tell you’ve never parented an ADD child. Some kids just take longer to launch.
My daughter is living at home, working part-time, and taking two online classes this semester. She’s easing her way into college.</p>

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<p>I stand by my opinion about not parenting kids through college. You can parent them to college, but not through college. Some kids it will take another year (after high school) some five and some never, as my preceding sentence to the quote you selected reads. The ‘reason’ they aren’t capable of going off to college or succeeding once there could be a host of things, social immaturity, a learning disability, emotional issues, etc. or simply desire or drive. I remember what happened with your daughter and I’m glad she’s putting things together. I wish her continued success.</p>

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<p>I just lost my post! I will try again:</p>

<p>We had a kid in a similar situation (including ADHD inattentive). I guess I felt that external motivators, whether reward or punishment, really were not effective in the long run, since they did not make the kid responsible. I thought that growth had to come from within the kid to really take hold. I tried to stay detached but loving, as much as I could. It wasn’t easy.</p>

<p>There was one really, really rough year, and now that same kid is about to leave for her sophomore year, after a relatively successful freshman year (with some accommodations and attentive advising).</p>

<p>Since there are two of them, and assuming they get along, perhaps they could travel together. Our doctor’s son has ADD and took a gap year, and did WWOOF’ing, as did some of our kids’ friends. With WWOOF, you travel somewhere and work on a farm for your room and board, so costs are low, but you get that broadening that comes with travel, meeting new people in new places. [WWOOF</a> - World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms](<a href=“http://www.wwoof.org/]WWOOF”>http://www.wwoof.org/)</p>

<p>I also know kids who have done National Outdoor Leadership programs. [url=&lt;a href=“http://www.nols.edu/]NOLS[/url”&gt;http://www.nols.edu/]NOLS[/url</a>]</p>

<p>The interest in film is great: maybe there is a clue in there for what they might do. I can understand their wanting to do it on their own at first. Perhaps the time will come soon when they really need a mentor. Perhaps they could study privately with someone on their own timetable, when they need it.</p>

<p>If you can afford it, I don’t think this is necessarily a year to force chores and low paying jobs. Or even if you can barely afford it. Getting a handle on relatively new diagnoses of ADHD is one priority, but so is finding new inspiration and paths to follow. I am not saying no work. Our kid did busing at restaurants and other jobs, but also did a program in the arts that she is now following at school. </p>

<p>I also did not push college, and, in fact, talked quite a bit about how I felt everyone should NOT go, that there were alternatives, some of which I showed my kid (including a memorable trip to a school with cabinet making and jewelry making). This may have proved to be good reverse psychology, but I meant it and still mean it.</p>

<p>I read and really liked David Gilmour’s book “The Film Club” about a Dad who let his son drop out of high school, the only condition being that they watch a film together each week. Their relationship really blossomed, the kid spent some months doing nothing, then got to work and eventually to school. It worked out better, I think, and it would seem the author thinks, because the Dad left him to his own devices.</p>

<p>I suppose for every story like that, there is a negative one to balance it, but the risks that lie in nagging or punishing seem greater to me than the risks of letting the kids grow on their own.</p>

<p>I don’t mean to sound too idealistic, and I fully understand the challenges of ADHD. I apologize if this approach does not fit your family.</p>

<p>I found your original post likable, by the way. You sound like a good parent in a tough situation. Good luck!</p>

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<p>Thank you all so much for your thoughts and insights. It is wonderful that there are so many people willing to help a stranger sort out her thinking.</p>

<p>I appreciate the posters who suggested that kids this age shouldn’t be getting an allowance. I think I’m just really having a hard time with them “suddenly” being 18 when they still seem like kids, and even though they aren’t leaving home yet, their really close friends that have been coming over to our house since they were little tykes are leaving. And I admit that it’s hard to see those kids leaving for such great schools that are out of reach for my guys. Ironically, I have an Ivy League education with a Ph.D. and am currently unemployed, whereas my husband went to community college and has worked steadily ever since.</p>

<p>It may be that they really are going to have to sort this out for themselves. I think it quite likely that they will not get into the schools they want to attend with their current record, and that will speak louder than I ever could. Then they will have to come up with a different approach. For now, I think it would be great if they could get jobs, continue to work on their portfolios (and take their work to Portfolio Day at the CC, where reps from many art schools come and critique students’ work gratis), and then travel next summer, which they would love to do. A semester-long video course might not be the thing for them right now. They were all set to take a 6-week filmmaking class offered by a local film and media commission last spring but not enough people signed up. I’ll be on the lookout for other such opportunities.</p>

<p>Thank you all again. I appreciated the kind words, too ;)</p>

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<p>Thank you all so much for your thoughts and insights. It is wonderful that there are so many people willing to help a stranger sort out her thinking.</p>

<p>I appreciate the posters who suggested that kids this age shouldn’t be getting an allowance. I think I’m just really having a hard time with them “suddenly” being 18 when they still seem like kids, and even though they aren’t leaving home yet, their really close friends that have been coming over to our house since they were little tykes are leaving. And I admit that it’s hard to see those kids leaving for such great schools that are out of reach for my guys. Ironically, I have an Ivy League education with a Ph.D. and am currently unemployed, whereas my husband went to community college and has worked steadily ever since.</p>

<p>It may be that they really are going to have to sort this out for themselves. I think it quite likely that they will not get into the schools they want to attend with their current record, and that will speak louder than I ever could. Then they will have to come up with a different approach. For now, I think it would be great if they could get jobs, continue to work on their portfolios (and take their work to Portfolio Day at the CC, where reps from many art schools come and critique students’ work gratis), and then travel next summer, which they would love to do. A semester-long video course might not be the thing for them right now. They were all set to take a 6-week filmmaking class offered by a local film and media commission last spring but not enough people signed up. I’ll be on the lookout for other such opportunities.</p>

<p>Thank you all again. I appreciated the kind words, too ;)</p>

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<p>Might want to take a look at this phenomenal article regarding A.D.D., written by a child psychologist himself who is criticizing the approach taken about the disorder:</p>

<p><a href=“Opinion | Children’s A.D.D. Drugs Don’t Work Long-Term - The New York Times”>Opinion | Children’s A.D.D. Drugs Don’t Work Long-Term - The New York Times;

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<p>I missed this thread when it was active a few weeks ago. I have a daughter who is 2E (senior in HS), and one who graduated from college last year. Gotta say… I think your sons sound pretty coddled. If my kids were taking a gap year (except in a serious medical situation), they would either HAVE to be actively working or pursuing something productive on a close to full time basis. Or taking CC classes, or some combination. Or I would tell them they would have to find an apartment and a way to support themselves…</p>

<p>Your kids will slack and futz around for as long as you let them. Filmmaking sounds great, but I would require my kids to get dead serious (classes, projects, internships, etc.) if they wanted to pursue it. Otherwise it is just a nice hobby, and mom & dad are still paying all their bills. It doesn’t do them any favors in the long run to let them do this. They should be paying YOU room and board, the absolute opposite of giving them an allowance. I don’t think ADD is the issue here – I think no reason for them to get going and a nice, comfy nest with mom & dad is the issue.</p>

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<p>If my kids had wanted or needed to take a gap year, it wuld have been fine. But they would HAVE to have a plan, a weekly schedule, and if no paying job, then volunteering, interning, and taking classes, doing something along that line 40 hours a week. and no amount of snobbery would let them get away with doing nothing. This is going to sound mean, but if you want them to grow up, regardless of the add you as a parent need to toughen up and not let those men, and they are men, use their add diagnosis as an excuse to play around for a year. </p>

<p>So they are too good to go to a school like their dad did? That’s pretty insulting.</p>

<p>Do they do anything around the house? Oh and allowance is gone. No warning, it’s gone.</p>

<p>But if you want to keep the status quo, that’s fine, but you do them no service.</p>

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<p>I have to chime in.
You get a lot more out of a vocationally themed school- which art school is IMO, after you have worked in the field for a few years.
If they don’t want to attend the CC program, ( which sounds short sighted and spoiled) then they should be working, paying rent and doing everything they can to get more exposure/ knowledge in the field of their interest.</p>

<p>I understand ADD kids, but they aren’t getting the structure they need.</p>

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<p>A gap year without a compelling story is no better than applying in the senior year of high school. So, I’d work with them on the story that they want to be able to tell when they’re ready to apply to school. What use have they made of this time?</p>

<p>If they’re interested in film making, would they take some script writing classes online? Gotham Writers Workshop offers them. I’m sure that there are others, also.</p>

<p>I think the idea of watching a film a week (maybe the same film multiple times in that week) is good. Your library can be your friend for this. You don’t have to even like a film to appreciate the directing, cinematography, etc.</p>

<p>Is there camera work they could do locally? Work on a newscast or commercial shoots? The more they understand the capabilities of the camera (and the more directors they work with so they know what they do and don’t like), the better they’ll be later. Even if they could just shadow some people for a little while, it might help.</p>

<p>Do they plan to do the exact same thing or is there some sort of division of labor? They can both be working towards film school while doing different things.</p>

<p>Have they investigated kickstarter (or other similar sites) requests for funding for independent films? Can they tell what factors lead to one getting funded and one not? Like it or not, business is a big part of film.</p>

<p>Are they more interested in documentaries or fiction? Is there anything they could do (like the WOOF suggestion) that would get them out into the world and get them experience that would make their eventual storytelling better?</p>

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Hello
I am reading this old post and would VERY much like to connect with you.
The situation you described with your twin sons is very similar to ours with our daughter, who’s a senior in high school.
I found your post via googling in (near)desperation.
Never done this college confidential before.

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@birchtrees this thread is 3 years old. The OP may or may not still be here. I’d re-comment with an “@” to the OP so they know you’re interested in their outcome and start your own thread.

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The OP hasn’t been on CC since 2012. Please start your own thread for some feedback.