<p>Once a upon a time, there was a boy who dreamed of going to Harvard. But he was rejected and became homeless. He found shelter in a well, but moved out because of the amount of rats that dwelled in the well. The boy went to explore the world. He first stopped in Times Square Movie Theatre to see if the new Michael Meyers Halloween movie came out yet! (Damn vagabond didn't know it comes out this Friday.) But unfortunately, he didn't have any money to pay for movie tickets.</p>
<p>So he became a mime and within a few days had accumulated 100 dollars from passersby. He used the 100 dollars to buy an expensive dinner at a local restaurant, but bought too much and became a dishwasher as a consequence. One day as he was washing the dishes, a frog -- no, a toad jumped out of the sinkhole. And he ate that frog, really...delicious.</p>
<p>During his career as a dishwasher, he met a fabulous girl who attracted him a lot. And the boy no longer dreamt of something stupid like going to a top school like Harvard, instead, dreamt of something fabulous, that is, getting an attractive girl!</p>
<p>After that girl received an acceptance letter from Columbia, she left him because she thought an Ivy league education was much better than romance. Then, the boy randomly spontaneously combusted for some reason. So Jose (that's his name) decided to give up on girls and go for the same sex.</p>
<p>Then he reassimilated, and later worked as a buissness consultant for a mid-sized company, and won many bowling tournaments. When Steven Spielberg saw his many gilded trophies, Jose's life story was made into a mega-hit, starring the just-discovered Columbia-educated ex-girlfriend. Meanwhile, a slave rebellion happened in Jose's hometown, edging the United States to the brink of civil war.</p>
<p>During the outrageous civil war, Jose's ex-girlfriend (named Candy Barr) was captured and tourtured by an unknown cult.</p>
<p>He then slipped into a 16 1/2 year coma. As he woke up one day, his eyes slowly opened. Three people stood around his hospital bed waiting curiously as they watched his eyes open, only to reveal bright red pupils! The instant he looked at each one it exploded. Then, everything spontaneously combusted. Jose, after recovering from the incident, was extremely baffled by the idea of spontaneous combustions, and decided to work at the local college to research the possible causes of the combustions. At this local college, he made amazing discoveries that were soon found by Harvard professor JJ Whitmorgue. Then, Jose got teleported to dlvl16; his fingers were numb from Elbereth'ing, his army of cats (named after various mathematicians) had fallen, he had one HP more than he could #pray for, and he was surrounded on three sides by giants who threw boulders. . .</p>