As I read this, a lot of it was relatable as we struggled with a number of these issues. And as with most things, not only is the answer pretty personal, there is a lot of “it depends”. First of all, there are schools that have a large percentage of boarders in a 7-day boarding program AND most of them go home for the weekend. There are also schools that are closer to half boarding and half day, yet most boarders stick around for the weekends. And if the latter is a larger school, you might find that in spite of the percentage of boarders in the whole population, there is a more vibrant weekend culture there than at the school where a majority of students are 7-day boarders who clear out. So I think that the first thing that you may want to dig into is what the culture is at these schools to get a sense of what is being given up by not being a “full” 7-day boarder and to look at absolute numbers as well as percentages.
The next thing that you REALLY need to think through is the commute. A 50 minute commute each way translates into about 4 hours in the car for you every day and 2 hours for your kid. If you work near school and are going that way anyway, that might take some of the sting out of it, but if this is a new driving routine for you, let me just say – wow, does it get old fast! Add in a little traffic or construction or some winter weather (and when your students and faculty live on campus, snow days can be a rare thing!), and you’re starting to work your way through the rings of hell… Sure, people do it, but it takes its toll. Nobody will want to go back for weekend events (although you’ll have to) and certainly not on a spontaneous basis. (As the driver, you can try to make that less painful by joining a gym near school, finding a Starbucks where you can work, keeping a cooler in the car so that you can go grocery shopping, always having reading material with you, but it’s all about making a bad situation less awful.) If there is some sort of other transportation alternative (Uber, Lyft, train, car-pool), it can ease the pain, and I’d explore that, just so that you know what to compare that $100/day with and whether you are going to be on the driving hook every day. If your son will be able to drive soon, you may only be looking at a year or two, but then you’ll be looking at needing another car. And while you might think that this time in the car with your kid is great “relationship” time, in our case, DS usually fell asleep or did homework. Not really the pinnacle of our time together.
Our school did not offer 5-day boarding, and when DS was deciding whether to switch status (see diatribe on driving above!), it was made clear that he would be expected to stick around on most weekends if he chose to board. He was told explicitly that he was not supposed to be “a day student with a bed here” – which may be your answer to what the experience is for a 5-day boarder – at least at some schools. As a day student, DS often arrived early (before breakfast) and didn’t leave until 9:30 or 10:00. So he really just was sleeping at home. Which is the next question that you should ask – when do things happen at school? At our school, many of the athletes did one on one training at the gym before breakfast. Clubs met after dinner. Science labs occasionally were run in the evening so that they’d have full 3 hour blocks. There were fun events most Friday nights. Things like foreign language films were sometimes shown in the evening (and attendance was strongly encouraged if you were studying the language.) Kids studied in groups and had group projects. Our school worked pretty hard to keep the day and boarding populations integrated, so day students lived the lives of boarders during the week. (All students, day and boarding, had the same “meal plan” – which was all of them!) The only difference – Monday through Friday – was where they slept. So no, I don’t think that there’s a big difference in terms of experience for a 5 day boarder in that regard. I am familiar with a school that does only 5 day boarding because it serves a metropolitan area with sub-optimal service to its locale, but that too is different from a school where you have students who are there for most of the year. I DO think that you need to think through the commute and how much time is taken out of play for that.
The one other things that tends to be different for day and boarding students are the rules. Boarders can’t leave campus without checking out, yet day students are pretty much free agents when the day is over. I don’t know if this makes a difference to you and your son – whether you worry that he’d abuse the day student freedom, get in trouble with the boarding rules, etc. – but for some kids and some schools, it can matter.
All interesting options – and all have their pros and cons. You CAN do anything, and once you get in the groove, it’ll be your groove (or rut!) But having a long-ish commute is something I’d avoid if at all possible. I don’t think that there are great generalizations, though – I think you need to consider each school on its own.