Hi everyone! I’m a college student seeking advice on how I should communicate with my mom on how I can help out while I live at home. im a full time student who works part time.
I need advice on how to plan things with her so it goes smoothly. I previously lived with my mom for the first 8 months of college. When I lived with her I commuted to school full time and worked 25 hours a week, and paid $150 rent. My household duties were dishes/clean kitchen daily, laundry, clean bathroom, vacuum, dust,and take care of pets- 2 big dogs, 2 cats. I picked up dog poop daily, cleaned litter boxes, take trash out and feed them. At first there was no plan for chores, but I was happy to pull my own weight while I lived at home. After a while I started to get stressed/overwhelmed and struggled to keep up with work, school, homework and chores. When I told her, my mom said I should handle it fine because I’m not paying half of rent ($700) and she and my stepdad (who doesn’t live at home) are paying for college. I asked her if I could at least schedule the chores on my own time so that I could do homework before work during the day. But she said no because there’s lots of things she needs me to do when she needs me. I failed to juggle it successfully and ended up doing poorly in classes and had a panic attack at work. I communicated many times I needed to change something in my schedule because I was struggling, but every time she would tell me that she does way more than me so she “didn’t want to hear it.” And that it wouldn’t fly in the real world.
To my best efforts I couldn’t keep up and we got in a big argument over it. My mental health suffered and I suddenly moved in with my boyfriend. Im going to live with my mom again in August because he has to move to another city and I couldn’t find anywhere with roommates in my budget.
How should I communicate with her about the upcoming semester? I want to be proactive and I don’t want there to be tensions between us. I also don’t want to fail any more classes. I was thinking I should let her know how much work/housework I can handle a day as a full time student, and if she wants me to do more chores, tell her I’ll be able to do them but will have to drop to a part time student.
My mom never went to college, she just started this year as a community college student for her first time. She says she realized she can’t succeed in college while working so she stopped working part time. While she kind of understand me more now, she still wants to be strict about duties to teach me a lesson for handling life. She also says she needs peace and quiet to focus on school so she wants me to live in a pop up camper in the backyard. The work/chores list will be same if I live in a camper.
Any advice on how to respectfully make a plan with my mom would be greatly appreciated!! I’m trying to be proactive.
I think you should try to find a roommate situation, honestly.
How does your mother handle things when you are living elsewhere?
Are the pets yours?
Does your stepdad live there at all?
If you really have to live with your mother, then see how much you can separate your life from hers, meaning, you make your own meals and clean up, and she does the same, etc.
I think it might be helpful to have a counselor involved so that the two of you could negotiate with a third party present, but it would seem your mom doesn’t see a problem and would probably not go. You could go yourself.
This is not a good situation. Perhaps you are used to it. You need to keep life simple with only essential chores, and manageable work and college/study hours.
If necessary, you could switch to more work hours and fewer school hours, and just plan on doing college in a non-traditional way, over more time. Honestly the majority of college students are actually non-traditional.
Doing it that way, might make it more possible to live with roommates.
Your transcript is important. No matter what, avoid getting overwhelmed, seek help early and don’t overload in a way that affects graves and causes anxiety.
I feel for you and hope you can figure out a way to live on your own.
Agree with above poster- the pop up camper idea is odd given that you would end up doing chores in a home where you don’t even live. Even if you couldn’t find a conventional roommate situation, you might be able to rent a room in someone’s house and get a better deal than you are getting from your mom.
The pets are ours,my mom adopted cats when I was 5 and we got dogs when I was in 5th grade. My stepdad doesn’t live there at all. Yes you’re right I suggested we see a counselor together but she told me to go by myself. Do you mean how does my mom manage the housework ? When I’m not there she takes care of the pets, but doesn’t keep the house tidy like I’m expected. Thanks for the suggestions, my friends left for universities across the state so I don’t know anyone I trust for a roommate situation but I’ll keep looking
Your college should have a housing office or at least a bulletin board that one can use to find roommates. I agree with @compmom, you should not move into your mother’s house.
Have you tried Craigslist, or a university housing office or listing? I think many of us on here will tell you not to move in with your mother. If you do, I would take only one or two classes and do well in them while you manage stress.
Your mom is not being supportive of your college aspirations. Why is that? Crab Mentality (i.e…, if there are a bunch of crabs in a bucket, and one tries to crawl out, then the others pull it back in). Is she jealous that you are going to college? Does she want to have power over you?
It is not the normal thing for parents to charge their kids rent while they are in college…but $150 is reasonable.
The problem you have is that your college is being paid by your mother/stepfather…and you need that to continue.
When you get back to college, go to your college’s Counseling Center and ask for more help/advice/support.
Talk to your mom: “Mom, my goal is to graduate college. I appreciate so much that you and Step dad are paying for my tuition. But I want you to get your moneys worth and I can only do that by doing well in my classes. I realize that I am a member of the household too and will help with chores, but I will do that if we come up with a weekly list of chores that will do on my schedule. I will not be taking on chores that have to be done at a particular time. I know you want me to succeed., so let’s come up with a manageble list of chores so that I can.”
Would your mother stop paying for college if you don’t live with her? What happened when you moved to your boyfriend’s, did she stop supporting your college financially?
You can always wait until you are 24, when financial aid will be based on your financial info. I know several kids who have done that, and they worked f/t while living with people in an apartment, in the meantime. Some take a class at a time and pay for it if their parents won’t.
If you are doing poorly in school, and you cant fix that with your mom’s demands, you may have to stop going to school, or cut back to part time. You dont need perfect grades, but you need good ones. Sorry you are in this predicament. It isn’t just the chores but the 25 hours.
im a full time student who works part time.