advice for my essay?

College Essays
1

<p>hi i'm an international student and i'm writing my aplication essay, however, i need some advice since english is not my first language. any advice (specially vocabulary and structure) will be gratefully received!! thanksss</p>

<p>(this is what i've got until now, my topic is my experience in managing my own little business)</p>

<p>"Mmm... they are very good, Fiorella - my mom said, while she had another small bite of the marble muffin she had on her hands - you should try selling them". Those were the same words many said about the muffins I fan-made for my boyfriend. So, after hearing over flattering comments during the week, I [thought “what the hell” and] decided to bake another dozen to leave them on a shop near my house, just to see how they did.</p>

<p>However, after two days, nobody but the very shop owner had bought my extravagantly decorated marble muffins. With my pride on the floor, I took them all back to my house and started thinking what to do with them. After considering many options, the thought of fighting back replaced my disappointment and I decided to give them one last opportunity.</p>

<p>And there I was the next day on my lunch break, offering my hand made muffins to my classmates. A few curious ventured to buy some, those few brought other few and other few… and shockingly, it didn’t take more than half an hour for the muffins to be sold out. I couldn’t believe it. The last place I would ever think that would give me the opportunity to establish my first own business was my school.</p>

<p>From that moment on, everything followed its natural course. The muffin business came to be a success and the always increasing demand pushed me to broaden the variety of my products. These included simple muffins, stuffed muffins, marble muffins, banana muffins, decorated cupcakes, and even brownies. </p>

<p>Nevertheless, it wasn’t until the end of the year that I realized the actual dimension of my profits. What I had earned helped me pay many of my expenses during the summer vacations without depending on my parents for money, and this encouraged me to continue with my business the following year. </p>

<p>This experience made me understand that the effort and dedication you put on any project ends up rewarding you; and what’s even more important, it helped me build constancy and perseverance because, even though I could have thrown in the towel, I persisted when the odds were against me. It also showed me how valuable it was to me to have my own goals and work for them. Independence held a value that I only then understood. The satisfaction and self-realization I experienced couldn’t be compared to anything I had achieved before.</p>

2

<p>“This experience has made me understand that the effort and that the dedication you put into any project is rewarding.”</p>

<p>“I will no longer waive, nor will I falter, I will persist against all odds, and I will…” </p>

<p>I think President Obama gave a speech saying something similar to "We will no longer waive/nor will we falter/ we…</p>

3

<p>I think it’s a pretty good essay, but I noticed some grammatical/vocab-related issues in the first paragraph:</p>

<p>

[quote]
“Mmm… they are very good, Fiorella - my mom said, while she had another small bite of the marble muffin she had on her hands - you should try selling them”. </p>

<p>For American conventions, period goes inside quotation marks. And using dashes doesn’t allow you to include within quotes your explanation of what was being said. “she had on her hands” is awkward. Change it to this:</p>

<p>“Mmm… they are very good, Fiorella,” my mom said, while she had another small bite of the marble muffin. “You should try selling them.”</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>What’s fan-made mean? Take it out; you don’t need it.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>You can’t “hear over” something. The sentence is kinda long and clunky. And did you actually leave them “on a shop.” As in, on top of the shop?</p>

<p>So, after hearing flattering comments during the week, I [thought “what the hell” and] decided to bake another dozen to leave them at a shop near my house. I wanted to see [/ was curious to see] how they would do.</p>

4

<p>Thanks for the corrections!</p>

<p>quomodo: in the “after hearing over flattering comments during the week” part i meant over-flattering… is that ok or should i take it too?
and by fan-made i wanted to express that it was the first time i did it, so it was like amateur or as a fan.</p>

<p>should i leave this part: [I thought “what the hell” and] , or is it too informal for an application essay?</p>

5

<p>no that doesn’t really make sense. I think you meant “overly flattering” but I would just say flattering.</p>

<p>It’s probably too informal. I wouldn’t put it in but you could… it’s just kinda risky.</p>