Advice from parents

<p>Hi, all.</p>

<p>I'm entering my senior year in HS, and I'm beginning to look into several different colleges. I live in NY and have interest in attending an NC school; my older Brother lives in NC. I've visited it and loved it. I mentioned the idea of going this far away to my parents.</p>

<p>My Mom absolutely loves the idea and thinks it would be a great experience for me.</p>

<p>My Dad, however, is having completely opposite thoughts. He keeps throwing out a variety of reasons why I shouldn't go away. He says that I should live at home for at least my first 2 years of college because he claims that I'm not responsible enough to live on my own. This is a ridiculous claim in my eyes. I get good grades, have a good attendance record in school, never get in trouble there. I've held down a good job for a few months now, haven't missed a day or been late yet. My parents go out of town a lot, I'm left home alone for a few days at a time and do fine on my own. Yet somehow I'm not responsible enough to live on a college campus?</p>

<p>He also continues to claim that going out-of-state isn't a good idea because of the additional costs that exist at most schools (increased tuition for out-of-state students). This is also stupid in my eyes because money is definitely not a big problem for my family.</p>

<p>So, my question is this. I suspect that my Dad is saying these things as excuses to convince me to stay close to home, because he would miss me too much or something. As parents, do you see this as a good possibility? He insists that this is not true. What can I do?</p>

<p>Thanks for your time.</p>

<p>CJ sometimes parent finances are not as they seem on the surface. It would certainly be appropriate to ask them to sit down with you and go over how much they're willing to contribute to your schooling. You should have the costs from your favorite schools as well as a couple of in state schools to compare, and ask them to run the numbers through the FAFSA calculator to see how they all stack up. You could look into merit scholarships you might be eligable for at your favorite NC schools - I believe there are some for out of state students. If you do as much research as you can ahead of time on costs it might make them realize that you're taking it all very seriously and responsibly. This is a conversation that is very important to have now anyway because it is much easier to find schools that you like in your budget than to find out in April you can't attend because they won't pay for it. It might be, too, that if you're the last child leaving home they are having a hard time coming to terms with it. Have they gone on any college visits with you?</p>

<p>Aside from the financial considerations (posted above), which figure into any college decision, your dad might be concerned about the logistics of a distant college - having to fly, longer drives, less visits home, shipping your things down, summer storage costs and not "being near" should an emergency arise. Again, these factors are part of the "mix" when it comes to college choices.</p>

<p>The fact that your mom endorses the idea and that your brother lives in the area are good. It could be that your dad is coaching his concerns in a way to hide his feelings of missing you if you attended a more distant school.</p>

<p>Continue to carry on your studies and your responsibilities in the way you have been doing and continue to have calm, mature discussions with your parents about your college research. Remember that they are going through their own journey as you prepare to leave home. It takes time for ideas to percolate, mature, and be accepted.</p>

<p>You might want to mention to him that southern schools welcome the "diversity" that northeast students bring with them - not only would they benefit, but you would as well.</p>

<p>The advice above is good. I can tell you that our family falls into that area in many ways. We live well, but some events in the last few years have made finances more of a concern that they were when my oldest son was going off to college. Having lived the long distance from college, I am not thrilled at the idea of having another child go to school more than about 4-5 hours away. My arms are still stiff from the drive a few weeks ago to drop my second son and his stuff off at school, and we are not getting any younger. Also, our third one, though a decent student, has some things that do make me worried about letting him go too far or to a big school. Some of it is what I have learned first hand from the other two kids' college experiences. Some of it is his maturity,and my judgement. In this case, Dad is the one who thinks it would be just fine for him to go any distance away, and that S3 will adjust perfectly well in a large school. Maybe so, but I do have some valid points too.</p>

<p>CJ - Backfin's suggestion to have a discussion with your Mom and Dad about FAFSA/Profile and finances is a good one, if for no other reason than "Will you be applying for Financial Aid?" appears on many college applications. IMHO it's important that your college list represent your academic and personal interests. You can always add a couple of "geographic safeties." People change, circumstances change. By next May things may seem entirely different. Good luck to you.</p>

<p>Thanks everyone.</p>

<p>The thing is, I'm trying to be as understanding of his perspective as possible. I asked him for a ballpark financial limit to stay under in the college search, and he won't give me a real answer yet. </p>

<p>Also, I have a safety school that's in-state and just a couple hours away, and he still doesn't like the idea. He insists that I should go to either the local community college or local University for at least 2 years. I told him I don't like the local University, but this isn't good enough for him.</p>

<p>I know I'm making him out to look like a bad parent here, but he's really not. He always wants what's best for me, but this situation is weird. Throughout my childhood he was always over-protective, so I really think this is an excuse for him to convince me to live at home for a while.</p>

<p>Again, thanks for your time everyone.</p>

<p>Parents do strange things when their children look at schools out of state. My D had a friend whose parents told her after she had her college list complete that they could not help her with any tuition help and perhaps she should attend a school in state, preferably the one in their metropolitan area. This made no sense at all as she was attending a private school with $20,000+ tuition and the family income had not changed - instead it had gotten much better.</p>

<p>As it turned out once she was accepted at several out of state schools they changed their tune and said they could help pay.</p>

<p>Was their any rhyme or reason to this - no? Did her parents want her to go to a school and live at home - most likely, yes? She was the eldest child and it looked like her parents just had a hard time letting go.</p>

<p>In your case it could be your Dad has problems with his little girl being so far away. I can understand why - my D is at school on the east coast - 1st week of classes she ends up in the student health center with a 100+ temperature. Am I worried? Absolutely!</p>

<p>Point out to your Dad that you'll still be close - it takes what? 5 to 6 hours to get to NC from NY. Point out NC has great beaches - he could come down for a mini vacation and you could spend some time together at the beach!</p>

<p>It sounds to me as if it's either financial (living at home and commuting to school is the cheapest recourse) or that he may really be having a hard time 'letting go'. He may have fears of the college dorm lifestyle. If you're the youngest kid, he may want to avoid the 'empty-nest'. Although I have similar feelings regarding my Ds, I know that they need to live their life and that letting go is part of the nurturing process. I also feel that I've been a pretty good parent and have been successful in preparing them for this point. You may want to take this tact with him.</p>

<p>If the issue is truly financial, you'll simply have to discuss it with him in detail and figure out solutions. You might get scholarships/aid packages that could offset costs. You could also cover it with loans so it ends up costing him nothing. Maybe it'd help to discuss it with the details of particular colleges rather than in generalities. Show him the spreadsheets of costs for the different colleges you're considering. Discuss each line item if need be.</p>

<p>This past summer was the idela time to visit the colleges you're interested in. Did you do this with him? It can help the reality hit home for the parent. If you haven't, I suggest doing so (with him) asap.</p>

<p>You'll need to start applying pretty soon so it's important that you work your way through this now.</p>