<p>My boyfriend and I go to different high schools, but we will be attending the same college next year! I'm so happy! (Note: We made our decisions COMPLETELY independently because we didn't want to influence each other's choice and <em>in the event that</em> we break up, we didn't want to cause remorse for "following" one another to college. We know the importance of developing ourselves as individuals!) </p>
<p>We've been together since the end of our junior year (a little more than a year) and we still love one another! Hopefully, it's not just hormones if we got past the "honeymoon" phase and we've seen each others' ups-and-downs. Haha!</p>
<p>We've already set some guidelines to keep our relationship long-term, like no cohabitation until marriage and getting to know each other's friends and <em>families</em>. I know I'm really idealistic, but since it's both of our goal to try and make this work, is there any advice from current parents for us during these next four years?</p>
<p>It kind of depends on the size of the school you are going to. If you are going to a small LAC of 1,000 kids, or a large state university of 40,000. At a large state university, you can go the entire 4 years and never see each other, unless you plan too. From your posts, I think you are going to a LAC of 6,000 undergrads. Large enough that you can avoid each other.</p>
<p>At one level, going to the same college is no different from meeting at college and starting to date. The difference with you is that you are partially closed to meeting new people (already “taken”). The process of meeting more people will help refine what is important to you for a long-term relationship. That’s not to say your boyfriend is not the right “one”.</p>
<p>It is good that you have “independently” decided to go to the same college. Just make sure you maintain that “independence”. I suggest picking different dorms, don’t take the same secton of too many classes, etc. For one, you need to meet other people. Second, if things don’t work out, you don’t want too many “engtanglements”.</p>
<p>Going from different HS to being at the same college will take the relationship to a new level. More day-to-day contact. Also, each of you may change a little with the new independence of being out of the home and responsible (or not) for yourself. Be prepared for the possibility of growing apart in the process.</p>
<p>Finally, if it doesn’t work out, remember why you are at college. Don’t try to cling and recover the relationship. Keep up with the studies and get on with your life. Meeting people and break up are part of the normal process.</p>
<p>-Create your own identity as soon as possible outside of being an attached “Couple”.
-Join clubs, intramural sports, etc. independent of each other.
-Stick to your plan of no cohabitation regardless of how tempting or “affordable” it may seem/become.
-Go out with your friends separately fom each other.
-Be honest with each other regarding how this plan is working out and your feelings for exclusivity;
-Take a vacation separate from each other (spring break, summer, etc.
-Most of all, enjoy your college years, together and separate, so if you do end up together, know it is because you wanted to, not because you didn’t experience anything else.</p>
<p>In some ways, this is not much different from the situation of best friends from high school attending the same college – except that the Powers That Be are not going to allow you to be roommates.</p>
<p>Based on the “best friends from high school scenario,” which happened to one of my kids, I suggest that each of you try to get placed in a different dorm. A very large proportion of college friendships begin in the freshman dorms. Living in two different places gives you access to two different groups of potential friends. It also gives each of you a chance to make some friends separately. </p>
<p>The two of you may need to exercise some self-discipline in order to get your academic work done. One of the first things you will need to figure out is whether you can study in the same place without getting distracted. If you can’t, you will need to find separate locations for study (here again, living in different dorms is a help). </p>
<p>Another issue (one that does not apply to the best friend situation) is privacy. If your relationship has progressed to the point where you will be seeking privacy fairly frequently, you may want to see whether it is possible for one of you to get a single room. This minimizes the “sexile” problem that often greatly annoys roommates. I can see the merits in your decision not to cohabitate in college, but unless your religious beliefs preclude sex before marriage, you will probably want privacy at some point, and it’s easier to get it if someone lives in a single (or, later on, if at least one of you lives in an off-campus apartment where people have their own bedrooms).</p>
<p>I agree that you should be sure to establish separate identities rather than being thought of as half of a couple. </p>
<p>Are you open to meeting new people? What will happen when there is some spark between one of you and a new person? Are you two going to act single or are you going to immediately announce that you are not available? Which ever you choose, I would make it clear before you go.</p>
<p>I’d suggest a pact that you won’t see or call each other at all during orientation week or whatever it is at the school you are attending. Go to all of the events solo and don’t talk to each other at them. You should act as if you’re in a long distance relationship. This is when roommates, etc. “bond,” and if you go to events with your BF, you won’t be part of the bonding process. </p>
<p>If you take any courses together, avoid each other. Don’t sit together at least the first month. If you are in science labs together, don’t partner up. Don’t be in the same study groups, etc. </p>
<p>In other words, for at least the first week and preferably the first month of college, see your BF the same amount of time you would if you had chosen different colleges.</p>
<p>It is so important to have some separate friends/interests/activities. I’m a current undergrad, and I have seen so many of my friends go through break ups with people they dated in high school. Unfortunately, they made the mistake of never going out, never making other friends, never joining other groups- so when the relationship ended, they didn’t have anyone or anything to turn to. I know this seems like an extreme, but it happens a lot.</p>
<p>I started dating a guy in spring of senior year in high school. He attended another high school. We discovered on our third date that we were both going to be attending the same LAC! So I have been there. </p>
<p>Establishing your own friends is really important. Many of the friends we had were friends that we knew together. Don’t take classes together if you can possibly avoid it. Make sure you establish a seperate identity. </p>
<p>My boy friend and I broke up in spring of freshman year. When we “divorced” he ended up with the common friends. I have a few friends that I had established apart from our relationship and these women were my lifeline. We were able to maintain an amicible relationship but I needed to really work at seperating my life from his. I started dating a different man in Nov. of sophmore year and we ended up getting married after college. However, we both had established seperate lives by the time we started dating and were able to maintain much of that. It lead to a much healthier relationship overall. We still had a lot of common friends and activities, but there were also parts of our lives that were seperate from each other. I would recommend that you try to establish this when you start school.</p>
<p>Some good advice. I would agree with making sure you are in separate dorms. Post-breakup, seeing that person all the time is not fun for anyone and if you have the same core dorm friends, all the worse. For that reason, many kids try to avoid dormcest.</p>
<p>Yay~ Thanks so much for all your <strong><em>great</em></strong> advice. The parent forum (parents + students!) is much more mature intellectually and emotionally compared to some other forums and I really appreciate your suggestions!</p>
<p>@4gsmom,
We both like abstinence and we’re afraid that college culture will… weaken our self-discipline. My mom is really happy we’re going to college together because it’s out of state. She thinks we can help each other out (like moving), take care of one another when we’re sick, etc. His mom’s pretty happy because she thinks I’m a good influence on her son because I remind him about important events/due dates and motivate him to study. Naturally, my mom is afraid that we may distract one another and NOT GRADUATE AND WASTE TUITION $$ !! We’ll be going to a private U with about 6k undergrads. Not really too big.</p>
<p>I’ll make it a priority to maintain our independence and not taking the same classes. We’ll talk about how we’re going to act in college before we get there, too. I kind of like the idea of keeping a “loose grip” on one another so we’ll still be there for each other while we make room for change and development. </p>
<p>What does everyone think about “touching base” and grabbing a meal once a day AFTER a month or two of establishing our own social groups? Does that seem healthy?</p>
<p>Good advice to make sure you are in separate dorms…unless, of course, you go to a school like, let’s say, Syracuse, where if you call housing and explain your situation to them and that you want to make sure you are in separate dorms, they will tell you to “go to another school”…um, yea, been there, done that…
But seriously, folks, this really depends on the school…but good luck with it…</p>
<p>Try taking a planned day off from seeing one another…a planned vacation/weekend without each other, try not to take classes together…it will force independence and the separation of the “daily couple”…Most importantly, establish your own friendships, engage in your own activities, clubs, intramurals…not just those bonded by the two of you together…it will make your conversations much more interesting together, as you will actually have news to share about your class, club, friends, etc.!!</p>
<p>I agree with OperaDad, it’s not all that different from meeting at college and dating - that’s what my husband (of 21 years) and I did. </p>
<p>However, coming into college with the pre-established relationship might interfere with the two of you branching out and meeting others. It’s clear that you’ve thought of this and have taken the advice of others here and will do some things to mediate that. </p>
<p>If you go into this with an open mind and an open heart, it could probably work. </p>
<p>But I do have to acknowledge this: “We both like abstinence and we’re afraid that college culture will… weaken our self-discipline.” Unless you are attending a school with strict social rules about the opposite sex in your dorm room etc… yes, being away will do that. There will be a lot of “hooking up” going on around you…</p>
<p>College BF and I were best buddies all through HS before starting to date halfway through freshman year. He transferred to my school the following fall because he changed majors. We never lived in the same dorm, so we both had a lot of friends who knew us together and separately. We had lunch together most days, dinner fairly often and he would come hang out w/my hallmates (I was an RA). We broke up at the end of junior year. I moved off campus that summer and he graduated a semester later, so if socializing was different, I attributed it more to being off-campus than the breakup.</p>
<p>I think it’s a mature thing to discuss this stuff beforehand and have some potential scenarios you might want to try in the process of balancing me vs. we.</p>
<p>Yes, I think that after a month or two, it will be fine. By then, there will be lots of on campuses romances and others will have paired up. Just make sure you continue to have separate lives too. </p>
We’ll be going to a private U with about 6k undergrads. Not really too big.</p>
I kind of like the idea of keeping a “loose grip” on one another so we’ll still be there for each other while we make room for change and development. </p>