<p>My son had a bad year academically last year, after being a solid B student, his grades dropped due to some family issues. His SAT's are not great either(1400's). We have hired a specialist SAT tutor to help get his scores up, but we are sensing he is just not motivated. We don't know the best approach for next year. We don't think he is ready for college, and thinking spending a year volunteering or working may provide some structure and positive re-inforcemement he isn't getting from school. He wants to go away to college, but we don't really see that as an option. We have offered him the option of staying home(metro NY area) and going to a local state or community college to get his grades up. We really could use some advice from others who have been in this situation.</p>
<p>My 19-year-old son (who graduated from high school in 2013) took a gap year. He went to a three-month Christian program (YWAM, Youth with a Mission), and then worked as a volunteer for Jordan for almost two months. He loved the middle east and wants to do more volunteer work there.</p>
<p>We have told him that we will support him if he goes to college, but otherwise he is mostly on his own. He worked as a summer camp counselor in Wisconsin this summer. He is at home for a couple of months before going to another YWAM program week after next. Instead of paying us rent, he has been working 20 hours a week for us. He finally “gets it” that he can’t just sit on the couch, playing video games all day.</p>
<p>His dad and I aren’t insisting on college at all, because we know our son won’t listen to us. Other friends and acquaintances that he respects ARE telling him he needs a college degree, so we’ll see what happens.</p>
<p>My opinion is that once they reach 18, THEY need to make decisions. Parents can give opinions, but that’s about it.</p>
<p>My husband didn’t figure out what he wanted to do until he had dropped out of college as a senior and then lived on communes in Mississippi and Alaska. He went back to college at the age of 28! So it takes some people awhile to figure out what they want to do. It’s not a race!</p>
<p>Thanks so much. I absolutely agree that it isn’t a race. I am trying to help him formulate a reasonable plan for next year. It sounds like your son is getting a lot out of his volunteer work and its great that he is working for you as well.</p>
<p>It may be cliche but would any of the military branches appeal to him (or you)?</p>
<p>That’s 1400 out of 2400? Maybe he’s not ready for college now, if ever. I’m an architect and I work with lots of contractors. I have a high respect for the guys I work with, most of whom didn’t go to college. They live happy productive lives and I enjoy talking to them. College isn’t for everyone.</p>
<p>For a low motivation student with an uninspired high school record and test scores, it seems like the typical route is to go to work or enlisted military service. Some people who do that decide that they really do want to earn a bachelor’s degree, resulting in much greater motivation when they start at college (often community college) than they had in high school.</p>
<p>I am not so sure on military service, but would be fine with him working. There are some learning issues involved, which contribute to the low test scores. The issue is that we need him to buy into a plan. That is the problem we are having. He grew up in an affluent community attending private schools all the way through, and the norm is college. We don’t believe it is the right call for him right now, which is why we are refusing to pay for any private college that will take him, but need to come up with options going forward. </p>
<p>Perhaps it may be the norm in your area to go to a private college, but has he had to realize that admission (and sometimes affordability through scholarships) to college typically needs to be earned through good performance in high school and (usually) SAT or ACT testing? If he has grown up feeling that going to a private college is some sort of entitlement, then it may be a shock to him to find out that it is not.</p>
<p>I think he is just starting to figure this out which is freaking him out. He knows he won’t qualify for aide due to our income level, and we are not paying. Clearly scholarships are out of the question. What I am trying to do is come up with alternatives for him, so when his reality does sink in, there is something to fall back on. That’s what Im working on now.</p>
<p>It may be a let down compared to the expectations that he may have had growing up in your area, but the typical realistic options with a high school record and test scores that are marginal for going to four year colleges are work, enlisted military service, or start at community college. If he has little motivation now to do school work, then even community college may not be the best option right now (though it may be later after he gets motivated).</p>
<p>It is good to take college off the table now. I would sit him down to let him know what it would take to get into a college and under what circumstance would you pay for it (how much, how many years, minimum GPA). Let him know what you would expect from him next year if he were to live at home (job, community college, chores around the house, rent). If he should decide not to go to college, how long would you allow him to live at home. Once you have set up a frame work, I would ask him to figure out a game plan for himself. </p>
<p>We are so used to plan out everything for our kids, from play date to summer program, that our kids just sit back to wait for us to present them with a well thought out plan. I was guilty of that with my own kids, but I was lucky that my kids ran with our plan once we agreed on it. Boys tend to mature later than girls. This maybe a good year for your son to take more ownership of his future. To take a gap year will allow him more time to figure out what HE wants to do and HOW to go about doing it. I would let him come to you to lay out his plan.</p>
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<p>I’m sensing frustration on your part. That could make the problem worse. He lives in an affluent community with certain expectations and he’s not meeting them. That’s making him frustrated also. Going to a high power high school makes the average student feel like a slacker.</p>
<p>Is your unwillingness to pay for private college due to a) your inability to afford them, b) your belief that they are poor investments for your son’s future even though you can afford them, c) punishment for lack of performance, or d) the feeling that he’s just not ready for ANY college. </p>
<p>I’m not asking this in judgement, you know best, I’m just trying to understand so that I can help. I think that you are justified in being cautious. There are plenty of schools out there that would be thrilled to take your money. There are some private schools that do extremely well with special kids, like Landmark or Roger Williams. </p>
<p>Would you pay for him to attend a distant SUNY college where he could enjoy the “college experience”? </p>
<p>If the reason for your decision is a) or b) I think it’s worth having an honest non-emotional conversation making clear that it’s not (c) and that you do in fact have confidence in him, and laying out a bunch of options. </p>
<p>If it’s (c), then stop. You probably need some therapy to help deal with your S in a more constructive way. I don’t get the sense that it’s (c). </p>
<p>If it’s (d), then there is probably a genuine disagreement between you and he about what he is and isn’t ready for. You are in fact displaying a lack of confidence in him and it will hurt. However, it is what it is. Confidence is earned. It’s not personal, it’s just your honest assessment of the situation based on the facts you have. </p>
<p>Perhaps the SUNY college would be a good compromise. </p>
<p>Perhaps paying for some therapy to help him deal with his lack of motivation would be helpful also. I don’t think that there is a rush to do anything. If he isn’t motivated to retake the SAT, and if he’s agreeable, I’d offer to drop the tutor, let him know that it’s ok, move on, and let the therapy run it’s course. SOMETHING will eventually happen. You can reassess when you know more. </p>
<p>By the way, I would NEVER charge my kids rent. It’s their home too and I want them to feel secure. I see no reason for that to EVER change. </p>
<p>If he begins to turn things around (and it is still September and you are giving him a very loud wake up call) you might want to consider college programs with tons of LD support. I’ve heard mixed things about Landmark and Curry. Lesley University also comes to mind. There are a number of threads about this on the LD forum. </p>
<p>OP, I sent you a message. Maybe twice! (oh, “new” CC, you’re killin’ me)</p>
<p>I charged my kids rent. Made them feel like adults, got them in the habit of paying bills and understanding their paycheck was not for movies and clothes alone, and we gave 80% of it back when they moved out. </p>
<p>My concern about paying for private college is I don’t think he will benefit from it, and I don’t see the maturity at this point to live away from home. We have had too many issues of poor judgement recently. We are in Manhattan and are going to look at Hunter and City college in terms of schools that he could attend part time while living at home and working. Thankfully we can afford private college, but I don’t want to invest that money if he is not ready for it. Im concerned he will just fail if we enroll him somewhere just because he can get in. He worked last summer and loved it. We are not opposed to him working, or finding a gap year program for him to spend a year out, and hopefully focusing him a bit. I agree about it only being September and there is still time for improvement, Im just not seeing the effort on his heart.</p>
<p>@Sudsie - Could you elaborate on Lesley University. My DD is considering it. Does it have a lot of LD support? I wasn’t aware it did, but we’ve just started researching it. Thanks! </p>
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<p>Really? It’s fascinating how people see things so differently! So we should let an able-bodied 19-year-old sit around the house all day, and give him free room and board? Or let him think it’s OK to work ten hours a week and use the pay to eat out with his friends but live with us for free? How is that helping him feel secure?</p>
<p>I am asking honestly, not trying to be provocative. </p>
<p>In my culture, sons & daughters usually usually stayed home until they got married. The typical expectation is that once the kid starts earning money, he/she starts contributing money towards household expenses. Not “rent” exactly, but an end to freeloading. They were also expected to take on more & more of the household chores & responsibilities as they got older.</p>
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<p>If he likes work better than school, then perhaps that is his best option immediately after high school graduation. It may also lead him to think about longer term career plans, and whether he can get on a career track without additional schooling, or if he needs to attend school to further his career plans.</p>
<p>You need to find him a mentor immediately. Nothing you say will resonate. Nothing you’ve told him the last few years has likely been taken seriously. Find him a mentor that can get him to engage in school. The point he’ll start feeling uncomfortable won’t be until this time next year, when he notices all of his friends away at college. Making him wake up now is essential.</p>