Advice on relationsip??? please...

Pre-College Issues High School Life
1

<p>So yeah.
My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost a year now. We are both very dedicated to this relationship, as we were both brought up in traditional families (I'm Chinese, he's Indian).
Serious doesn't mean we plan on marrying or anything, but we do feel that we are meant for each other (cheesy, I know) and that our relationship is really strong.
Sadly, both of us are seniors. I am headed to New York, whil he will most likely stay in Calfironia and attend UC Berkeley.
A few days ago we tried to have a coherent discussion and it ended with me in tears and him looking like he should slap himself. We decided to not think about it and try to make the best of our time left.</p>

<p>How can I not think about it though? I don't know what to do. At this point, breaking up would mean slashing a deep psychological scar into both of our lives. I only hold on to the hope that he will be accepted to Duke or CMU and attend there, so at least we will be on the same side of the continent.</p>

<p>But is this it? Is this goodbye? We may never see each other again... Can that be prevented?</p>

<p>This is really my last resort in seeking guidance. Please keep your posts respectful, as I can't stand more verbal abuse along with this stress.</p>

2

<p>

</p>

<p>I didn’t know the United States was a continent.</p>

3

<p>^^^ wow you’re a dick. Op That’s tough. Hope it all works out</p>

4

<p>Yuhiko:</p>

<p>Perhaps I can give you some perspective, as I am a father, 56 years old, and not a college kid. I know it is tough, but once you guys go off to college, in my opinion, you really need to cut ties, for the most part. I know most of the kids on college confidential will probably tell me that I am wrong, and perhaps even some of the parents may disagree with me, but I think that it is a truism that when a kid goes off to college, they should be starting their life fresh. A big part of going to college is participating in the social life. </p>

<p>Even if you ARE on the same side of the country, once you are attending your respective colleges, you will be in your own worlds. You will, in effect, be living on two separate planets. You will both be very busy with your studies, and you won’t have time to visit each other. When you have a big exam coming up, you can’t spend your weekend travelling back and forth to see each other. Further, he will have no place in your world. He will be an outsider at your school. And visa versa. </p>

<p>Further, I know it is hard to face, but you both will eventually meet new people at your college. And that’s the way it should be. It has been my experience, with my brother’s kids, that a couple might try and make it work, but that after the first year, it simply is no longer practical. I myself continued to see my girlfriend during breaks for a number of years after we went to separate colleges, but we eventually totally split up, at about age 23. Before then, as I said, we saw each other during breaks. But it was an awkward situation, however, because your dating activity with other people is not really, in my opinion at least, something either of you want to hear about. Further, one weekend, I came back home, unexpectedly (a last minute decision), and it turned out that my girlfriend already had a date for that night, as she had been invited to go to a basketball game. So then she had the difficult choice of deciding which guy to see. You will one day face the issue of whether to visit your boyfriend over Spring Break, or spend that time with your college friends, or your new college boyfriend. </p>

<p>That doesn’t mean you can’t see each other on breaks, but it is simply impractical to promise to have an exclusive relationship. And at age 17 or 18, you shouldn’t be making such promises anyway. How many people today in the 21st Century wind up marrying their high school sweetheart? That concept is from a bygone era.</p>

<p>And by the way, its not only college. What if you guys go to different graduate schools?</p>

<p>If it is any solace to you, there are probably millions of kids in the country facing the same situation that you are now facing. Again, let me give you some perspective. I know that it is hard for you to realize this, but forty years from now, your current boyfriend will be just a fond, nostalgic memory of an early time in your life. And the pain you are going through now will be a distant memory. It is very unlikely he will be a part of your life. Your life will have a lot of twists and turns in the upcoming years. </p>

<p>Of course, my opinion is just one person’s opinion. I once saw a post on CC on this same subject where some father posted that his daughter and her boyfriend continued to have an exclusive relationship, even though his daughter was going to school in Europe. To me, that sounded silly, but every person has to deal with this situation in their own way.</p>

5

<p>It’s a very difficult situation. As someone who was in a serious relationship in high school, and is now in college, I know that there are a lot of issues with things like this. Long-distance relationships sound pretty terrible, and they are pretty terrible, when dealing with very long distances and limited travel. I know a few people who have stayed with their high school partners, and it really seems to depend on the relationship. One friend is in an exclusive relationship with his long-distance girlfriend, and it seems to cause a lot of issues (though there have been a few visits). Another friend is in an open relationship with her long-distance boyfriend, and it sounds like it’s going well, but that involves them knowing their partner is having sex with other people, which isn’t something I would be able to deal with. </p>

<p>It seems like there are a decent amount of freshmen who enter college thinking they can keep up a relationship, and ultimately can’t. How often do you see your boyfriend? Multiple times a week? Could you really handle once or twice a semester? The loneliness? The possible jealousy? The growing distance between you? A slow, painful end to your relationship? Of course, maybe it won’t end. It depends on who each of you are as people.</p>

<p>I know you feel like this is the relationship of a lifetime and you’ll never feel that way about anyone else. That’s young love; everyone’s been there, and everyone thinks they’re different. Maybe you are deeply in love and perfect for each other; but maybe, you don’t know what exactly love is, or maybe it doesn’t exist the way you think it does. Maybe you’re together because you both liked each other, you have similar interests, and there wasn’t anyone else in your limited high school dating pool. It’s tough to ask yourself these questions, and tougher to look for the faults in your relationship, but if you don’t find them now, they’ll tear open with with distance. Maybe you know what you have to do, but you don’t want to go on acting like what happened between you was nothing; your relationship likely changed who you were, likely for the better. Be grateful for the time you have together, and that if you break up before college, you’ll have the closure of a clean break, not forced, not from a lack of love, not from your partner being with someone else.</p>

<p>Breaking up a serious relationship causes a lot of emotional pain, but it need not be a deep psychological scar. The slow tearing apart that you’re experiencing now is more damaging than a clean severing of the ties.</p>

<p>I’ve been there with a long distance relationship, with trying to plan for far off colleges, with a bad breakup, and with emotional scars. Ultimately, it’s painful at first, then it fades. The human mind is very resilient, and it heals well.</p>

<p>Only you and your boyfriend can make this choice. If there was an easy, all purpose answer, then it wouldn’t be the problem that it is. You need to talk about it more, but not now. You can’t make the decision until you know the situation, so put it out of your mind until April. It won’t be “Never think about it,” it’ll be “Don’t worry about it, we’ll figure it out on this future date.” It makes more sense and should make things easier.</p>

<p>Remember, you only go around once in this life, and your time is limited; don’t waste it. You’ll have to decide whether that speaks to wasting it in an emotionally damaging relationship, or wasting it away from the person you love.</p>

<p>Good luck; what you’re going through isn’t easy.</p>

<p>

[I&lt;/a&gt; didn’t know geography was difficult.](<a href=“http://i43.■■■■■■■.com/r1ga3b.png]I”>http://i43.■■■■■■■.com/r1ga3b.png)</p>

6

<p>

wow did you really do that all for that one line? I mean it was pretty good, but that must have taken at least 5 mins</p>

7

<p>I didn’t mean the United States was a continent. I just mean that it will be on two sides of the north American continent.</p>

<p>Thanks everyone for the responses. I guess it’s true that we should cut ties. I try to joke about it sometimes… It doesn’t help. Not now though. I want to hold on a little longer.</p>

<p>Hopefully, it will heal and fade with time and at least we can keep our friendship.</p>

8

<p>^ this makes me a little sad, but okay… I know how hard this can be. When my best friend of 7 years left for another country, I almost jut about died… The good thing, though, is that we somehow managed to hold on, and see each other every break, and are still best friends :slight_smile: </p>

<p>I hope everything works out for you! Maybe it will all really be for the best…</p>

9

<p>

</p>

<p>I feel you. I hope your relationship works out, and even if it doesn’t, I’m sure you can be friends :).</p>

10

<p>aw you guys got mad with my comment boohoohoo
get over yourselves</p>

<p>To the OP: perhaps it’ll be better for both of you. College changes people; you may not be in the same page after that. New interests, new friends… You guys might not be compatible anymore. Maybe it’s for the better.</p>

<p>bleh it’s so annoying to be nicey nice</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>I know, I got it. I was just joking -_-</p>

11

<p>Long-distance relationships for the win.</p>

12

<p>haha thanks guys.
Hopefully something will come up and life will be better.</p>

<p>I guess this isn’t the first time I’ve had to say goodbye to people. But they weren’t this close, so idk how I’ll handle it. Hopefully calmly.</p>

<p>Once again, thanks guys for your opinions. :)</p>