<p>Here's the situation. Son is a freshman and is having a very difficult time making friends at college. He called me tonight and told me he was very upset and no matter how he tries to make friends, people don't seem interested in being his friend. When I first saw his dorm placement I was very concerned because I felt the college was socially isolating him (I did Not share this with him). I have an older child in college so I know how important the dorm experience is to one's social life. Generally, your first friends are the freshman who live on your floor....this college even had a video of a freshman discussing how important living with other freshman is. Well, my son doesn't have any freshman on his floor other than his 2 room mates (one only hangs out with girls and doesn't want to go to dinner with my son (but he'll kick him out of the room to entertain the ladies) and the other is an International student who is very nice, but has his best friend with him and they generally speak Spanish to each other and social with other International students. My son was put in a sophomore dorm with at about 40 other freshman. The worst part is the freshman were not even put on the same floor or wing. When a room opened up, freshmen were randomly placed in them, so they are scattered all over the building among 400 sophomores. When I expressed my concerns to residence life over the summer, I was told he would be fine and that the RA's would have activities to bring the freshman together.....so far nothing has been done to bring these kids together in the dorm. In the meantime, there are 500 freshman in the dorm across the courtyard. During parent's weekend, I saw the difference in the dorms. The freshman in the freshman dorm were socializing outside while there were no student's socializing at my son's dorm. He must have felt terrible walking past these large groups of freshman into his dorm where there is no activity going on. Because of the dorm situation, son has to make an extra effort to find friends and he says when he tries to talk to people after class or in the dorm they don't seem interested in holding a conversation. He says most of the kids in his dorm don't even say hello. Most of students in his classes walk back to the dorms in groups....probably high school friends or dorm mates.</p>
<p>I can't help him make friends but I feel awful for him. He was very popular in hs, team captain, leader, etc. but in 5 weeks at college his self-esteem has been shattered. I suggested he go on a freshman retreat next weekend so he can meet 40 new freshman but he felt everyone would be going with friends and he'd be all alone. Is there anything his Freshman Orientation Leader can do for him. He told us to contact him if there were issues, but his is a senior and I'm not sure if this is his area. I suggested son tries to detriple his dorm but he felt he'd still be in the same situation in a different dorm. Any input would be helpful. Thanks.</p>
<p>Wow, I am sorry to hear that. FWIW, my son went on the freshman retreat last weekend and DID meet “a lot of new people”. I don’ know if he went with friends.</p>
<p>OP, I’m so sorry this is happening. Bless your heart, I know how rough this is for you; my D had similar problems when she was a freshman, including a roomie who spoke a different language with friends when D was in the room.</p>
<p>Because of the living situation, your son is going to have to find friends outside the dorm. This is going to require initiative on his part; he’ll have to get out and find people. It won’t be easy, especially at first, but it will pay dividends if he can tolerate feeling awkward for a short time.</p>
<p>The first, best option is for him to find clubs and groups to join, and activites to go to. This puts him together with other students who share a common interest and thus have something to talk about together. He should join not just one, but several; and he should not just be an attender, but an active participatant.</p>
<p>Another source for buddies is the classroom. Small classes or labs are good for this, but it can also work in large lecture classes. He can strike up a conversation with the person he’s sitting next to – just off-hand comments about the class to start with – and after a few days, suggest they hit the student union for lunch. Or even just walking out of the building together is a contact.</p>
<p>He could take a book to a very public spot, a centrally located lounge, the coffee shop, the student union – someplace there’s a lot of traffic. This is a good strategy because it doesn’t look like he’s hunting for friends, but he’s out there and available for a casual encounter. </p>
<p>He could also consider getting an on-campus job. He needn’t work more than a few hours a week, so it shouldn’t interfere with his studies, but it will give him another venue for meeting people. </p>
<p>Do everything you can to persuade him to go on the retreat. And definitely contact the Freshman Orientation Leader.</p>
<p>My D, years ago, had a very similiar experience. Although she also had the skanky roomate from hell. She talked with the residence dean and then, after, I also did, requesting at the least a room change at semester. Got nowhere.
Now, 8 years later I realize that I should also have called the Dean and raised hell and managed a room change for semester end. If this was now I would go all out and not expect my student to “manage”.
She transferred colleges at semester and it was a perfect choice for her. But so bad that she had to go through that semester when a few simple change would have made her life so different for her first away experience.
So—Have you S talk with the Housing dean, then you call the same person. Then, if not satisfied call the Dean of Students and raise some hell.
There will be some kids who drop out at semester and you son should be first in line.</p>
<p>I think you need to be aggressive in pushing this issue. Several years ago my D had a very unsatisfactory dorm situation at UCLA. She asked to change and was told that would not be possible. I called and was told the same thing. I thanked the man for his time but told him his response was entirely unsatisfactory and asked to speak with his boss, the assistant dean of something. A few hours that same man called back and said there were a couple if options but we needed to decide right away which we did and got a great dorm–perfect solution.</p>
<p>I’m really sorry about your son’s experience.</p>
<p>Intramural sports teams? Club sport teams? Join a service club on campus? Pledge a fraternity? Try something new and different? </p>
<p>Couple of examples of young men I know, in large university settings, who had a rocky start but turned things around: One very lonely boy walked into the rec center because it was near his dorm. Went by himself. Tried the rock climbing wall. Fell in love with the challenge of it. Met a group of similarly focused new friends. Joined a climbing club, and eventually got a job at the rec center. Chose to stay in the dorm that he had originally hated, because it was close to the rec center. Is now a happy, well adjusted senior, seriously involved in rock climbing.</p>
<p>Another young man (well liked in high school, varsity athelete, excellent student) went to a large out of state university where he knew nobody. After spending the first few weeks feeling quite lonely and out of sorts, he joined a fraternity and that made a huge difference for him. Had a very good experience in college after that. </p>
<p>The dorm experience doesn’t need to be the only place where friendships are made. My sons met several future close friends at freshman summer orientation. They happened to have been randomly assigned to the same group at orientation, but did not live in the same dorms freshman year.</p>
<p>Since your son was a team captain in a sport, it would seem like getting involved in club or intramural sports would be a good fit that would both connect him with future friends and relieve stress through physical activity. Going to the the gym to work out would also seem like a good place to get out and meet people. I would encourage him to also join that freshman retreat even though he is hesitant. It sounds like your son may actually be shyer than you think and afraid to take risks. I guess that may be a downside to having been in the “popular” crowd in high school- he never had to work to make friends. Treat this as a growing experience. Having to overcome difficulties will make him stronger in the end. I would encourage him but resist the impulse to “solve” things for him.</p>
<p>My S did the freshman get together before school started and when we dropped him off it seemed like everyone knew him. He will be forced to get to know people on a retreat and if he was not socially awkward before hand he should have no problem connecting there. Good luck and don’t let him turn the retreat down or he may start to become insular.</p>
<p>OP, I second the recommendation of telling him to go on the retreat. DS is also a first semester freshman. While he has made a few friends, he felt isolated sometimes, especially on weekend nights and during a recent football game. He signed up for a retreat and didn’t know a soul going. Since his return, he has commented over and over about the great time he had and the friends he made.</p>
<p>Even if retreats aren’t your S’s thing, they seem more geared towards getting individuals in groups to know one another by using ice-breakers and structured small-group activities.</p>
<p>It just takes one. He should concentrate on finding one friend. Smile, say hi!, offer to help carry one end of a heavy object. Don’t sulk, don’t sit in your room. Attend whatever communal activities are happening. Walk like a happy person. Talk like a happy person. IOW, fake it till ya feel it. Sometimes the mountain is a mountain but this time it’s just a hill. He’s got this one. Promise.</p>
<p>As curmudgeon said “it just takes one”. He did well in high school so I have no doubt it will get better.</p>
<p>Sometimes class is a great place to make friends. Maybe he could get a study group put together. Doing club sports is a great way to meet people and the exercise improves the mood!</p>
<p>A lot of good advice here. If things haven’t significantly improved in the next couple of months, I would push for a change in his housing situation by next semester. I like the way my S’s college has arranged things: freshmen floors, international student floors, floors for students with similar interests/majors. The RA’s are trained to get everyone involved in activities. It helps with the overall well-being and retention of students----GOOD business!.. IMO, your S’s college has been irresponsible in this living arrangement, and the housing dept. needs to rectify it!!! Sure, your son can make friends outside his dorm, but he still has to come “home” and live in a bad situation. Can you imagine the stress?? Keep a close eye on it, and please let us know how he’s doing.</p>
<p>Any chance this is at Villanova? Your son should definitely contact his Orientation Leader. Those students must commit to working with their orientation group through the entire first semester. Last year my son’s leader planned regular events for her group – especially around service opportunities and he spent about equal time with dorm friends and orientation group friends. Between the RA and the Orientation Leader, they should be able to guide your son in the right direction.</p>
<p>Other good opportunities would be pick-up bball games in the field house, workouts in the Fitness Center and the volleyball courts on South Campus (if we’re not at Villanova, I apologize). Those were all places that my son met new friends last year. I know there are also a ton of clubs/activities to join.</p>
<p>My son went off to college knowing no one else at his school. One of his forced-triple roommates went home every weekend and was hardly around during the school week. His other roommate transferred. Still, he did end up with enough friends that he had plenty of choices for roommates soph year. Hopefully your son will be able to give it a little more time and put some of the possibilities into action.</p>
<p>There are positives to being in a dorm with older students - I deliberately asked for one when I was a freshman. I got good advice about choosing courses, there was less freshman silliness. As Curmudgeon says it only takes one friend - joining clubs, participating in every dorm activity no matter how lame it seems, sitting down with other people in the dining hall. It’s hard, but if he keeps persevering he will find friends.</p>
<p>Wow this is terrible. And so hard as a parent to just watch from afar. </p>
<p>I think there is lots of good advice but I did want to point out one thing which you/he might want to consider that might be standing in the way:</p>
<p>“I suggested he go on a freshman retreat next weekend so he can meet 40 new freshman but he felt everyone would be going with friends and he’d be all alone.” </p>
<p>I think the housing situation has played a large role, but possibly his assumptions now are posing a barrier. I see this a lot on CC…students discounting social options because from their point of view ‘everyone is friends already’. So after a week or two, they shut off trying, as if its too late. Which as adults, we know is not at all the case! Sure it takes a bit more effort to meet a group than a person, or integrate yourself into existing social circles, but its entirely and absolutely possible if you don’t just self-impose your isolation (indeed, any kid who has ever had to change schools has done just this, any adult who has joined an existing company has done this, and so on). If he’s used to having always known kids around him, and being quite successful in his popular role, this might be hard for him to appreciate though. </p>
<p>So having said that, I think you might want to point this out and also nudge him a bit to push himself. GO on the freshman retreat and set some specific goals- sit with, talk to, and join (gasp!) existing social group or two friends, or whatever. Just do it…ignore those silly voices about false beliefs…just do it and he’ll be fine.</p>
<p>Another idea: if he’s used to being a leader, this might work for him. Suggest that he suggest to his classmates that they form a study group. Soon midterms will be upon them and this is an excellent way to study for some classes. He might try asking just kids that sit near him; if he’s really a leader-type, he might even make a bigger announcement in class asking if anyone wants to join.</p>
<p>I would definitely talk to Housing again. Also, he needs to put himself out there. D1 had a nightmare roommate freshman year. She rushed, but didn’t end up accepting a bid, but she did make friends in her rush group, she joined an IM soccer team, went to the gym, etc… Other suggestions, club sports, an on-campus job, or how about a volunteer job? S2 volunteered in the athletic department and eventually it turned into a paying job. He made friends there. I would suggest he definitely go on the retreat. And as another poster said in different words, “fake it until you make it”.</p>
<p>Even if your son ends up changing dorms, he should take advantage of his current situation to get to know sophomores who can mentor him and give advice on profs, managing midterms and finals, etc. Then, he will become the go-to guy in his new dorm for all that wisdom he has absorbed! Also, remind him that <em>friends</em> made in the first weeks of school may not remain BFFs as they get to know one another, just as one does not necessarily end up marrying the first person one dates.</p>
<p>If there is a freshman dorm with 500 freshmen right across the way, the RA in his dorm should be taking the 40 from this dorm over there for activities. If the RA isn’t doing that, he should be asked why he isn’t–first by your son, and then by his boss.</p>
He should concentrate on finding one friend. Smile, say hi!, offer to help carry one end of a heavy object. Don’t sulk, don’t sit in your room. Attend whatever communal activities are happening. Walk like a happy person. Talk like a happy person. IOW, fake it till ya feel it. Sometimes the mountain is a mountain but this time it’s just a hill. He’s got this one. Promise.</p>