Advice?

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hello Parents!</p>

<p>I thought of posting this on the transfer boards, but those boards are only filled with chances threads...</p>

<p>Anyways, I'm currently a sophomore at a very selective East Coast LAC and since the beginning of this year it seems like all I can think about is leaving school. </p>

<p>I wanted to come to my school since I first started looking at colleges, and was ecstatic when I got in. I had an incredible first year: made great friends, thrived academically, and was all around very pleased with college. Since the beginning of this year, I've just been really angry with my college. I've cried more this semester than I know is healthy, and I feel like all I do is complain.</p>

<p>I'm struggling with the idea of transferring because my school was SO good for me last year. Now it just feels like too much is missing from what this experience is supposed to be. </p>

<p>I'm looking to transfer to schools like Warren Wilson, College of the Atlantic, Prescott College, etc. </p>

<p>I'm also thinking of dropping out and going to work on farms where I can learn through doing.</p>

<p>BUT, I know that I will want a degree from this school in the future. I recognize that a diploma from this place means a lot to employers and grad schools. Maybe I should just suck it up? I only have 2.5 more years here...</p>

<p>So, If your daughter approached you halfway through her sophomore year with the intent to transfer, what would you tell her? Would you be OK with them wanting to leave their prestigious university for one with less acclaim? Would you support them (not financially) if they chose to leave school? How would you help them figure out if school was the right place for them at all? (I should talk to my own parents but I'm a little scared of what they'll say...) </p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

2

<p>I’d be really confused as to what changed between last year and this year and we’d have to sit down and have a long talk about that. You don’t seem all that clear on the change either. I would want my daughter to figure out if the problems are something she can work through and negotiate - that’s part of growing up and learning to live in an adult world. You can’t always just pick up and leave from difficult situations. </p>

<p>Talk to your parents - they may be more understanding than you think; but you really need to express to them specifically what changed between last year and this year.</p>

3

<p>Your reasons for being unhappy are not clear. You had a great year last year. Did the school change or did you change? What exactly are you unhappy about? the academics? the location? the social scene? Would transferring to another school alter any of these things? What happened to the friendships you made in freshman year? Remember that at a new school, you would have to start all over again in trying to fit in.
Also, consider the financial impact. Do you need financial aid? would the new school be less expensive? Often, financial aid is targeted at freshmen with nothing left for transfers. Would that be a consideration for your parents?
These are all questions you need to work out for yourself and in discussion with your parents.</p>

4

<p>Friendly,
Please, please, please go to your college counseling office and get screened for depression. Adolescents frequently report irritability and anger instead of sadness. I would hate for you to make a drastic change if it is an issue that needs to be taken care of by you, and won’t change with location/circumstance. You don’t deserve to feel this way.</p>

5

<p>I think the key here is to figure out what changed and is making you unhappy. Any chance you could look into different activities or clubs to foster connections in a different way? What about a part time job? It would be one thing if you said you hated this place from the start, but you say you loved it…and you also say you want to get a degree from this school.</p>

<p>Another option you could consider is asking for a leave of absence. Some schools will grant this for a term or two to students.</p>

<p>Things to consider if you are not in school…number one in this household would be health insurance. You may find yourself without coverage. Ditto auto insurance (this varies by policy…you may find that your parents can cover you forever…but sometimes not if you are not a student/dependent). </p>

<p>I would ask my kiddo to do some deep soul searching before I would allow them to transfer to another school. You need to figure out what is making you unhappy. Otherwise, you could find yourself similarly unhappy at a new school.</p>

6

<p>The answer to the question of what has changed between this year and last year is the one I am looking for. If I could put my finger on why I don’t like this place anymore, I don’t think I would be here asking for advice (I’d be changing things to make it better!)</p>

<p>I had a very formative summer, and I perpetually miss the people that I lived/worked with and the experiences from last summer. My friends at school love me and are supportive, but they do not understand why I am unhappy and rightfully get frustrated with me when I complain. </p>

<p>I’ve had several meetings with my dean about what I can change to make this college the right school for me again. I need to find new reasons to love this place. She also suggested I talk to a counselor, 3bysmom, and I will schedule a meeting. I’ve been depressed before so I’m pretty sure that I’m not now, but it can’t hurt to talk to someone else. </p>

<p>Finally, money is, thankfully, not a huge issue. My parents and I can afford for me to transfer and not get much financial aid. Whether or not they would pay for another school is another question entirely…</p>

<p>Thank you</p>

7

<p>Is there a romantic interest involved here?</p>

8

<p>I think hanging on because the diploma will look good to potential employers is a bad reason to stay. However, it sounds like the school was a great fit for you, so I’d definitely look into a leave of absence first. If you were my daughter, it would be hard to convince me that transferring is the solution if I didn’t know what the problem was.</p>

9

<p>I’m going to second that suggestion of speaking to the counselor. Definitely make that appointment - even if you aren’t depressed, maybe speaking with the counselor will help you elucidate the reason(s) you are so unhappy right now and come up with an action plan.</p>

10

<p>You should know that this is not uncommon for 2nd years. At many schools, students experience the “sophomore slump.” I think this is when reality hits. And I think it mainly stems from having to declare a major, think about study abroad, internships for future careers, and generally make decisions they are not ready for yet. There’s a lot more pressure (especially for those who are not so sure of who they are.)</p>

<p>College is a time for trying out different things and finding out what your passions are, so don’t put more pressure on yourself than necessary. Talking to a counselor about your fears and expectations may be a way to sort out your true feelings about your future.</p>

<p>I also think this happens often to young people because they are under so much pressure and have such inflated expectations that when they get to school and start to change they realize that they didn’t exactly know who they were or what they really wanted. Also, this ultra-intense prestige track is not for everyone–even those bright enough and driven enough to get in to top schools. It sometimes forces you to be or to present yourself as something you’re not entirely comfortable with in the end. </p>

<p>Allow yourself the space to figure out what your real goals are–if that ultimately means taking a semester off to do something worthwhile to you then go for it (since money is not an issue.) Your parents may be a bit resistant at first because they probably still see things as they were presented to them when you went off to school. If you have a coherent argument as to why you feel as you do it will help you to convince them of your sincerity. </p>

<p>Talk to your parents and someone at your school that you trust. Be honest and be open. And don’t be afraid that you will disappoint anyone–it is much worse to disappoint yourself. </p>

<p>There’s no way for me to tell what is really going on with you from this post, so it could be that the school is no longer a fit because you have changed or it could be that the school is fine for you but you are in a period of transition and you don’t know which direction is the right one for you yet.</p>

<p>Just know you are not alone. My own D, also a soph, is experiencing some of this to a degree, as are many of her friends at many different schools. So it may not be the school (since you liked it last year)–it may just be some variety of normal growing pains–it’s not always apparent at first either, so don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s
something to think about as a possibility, at least.</p>

<p>Good luck and let us know how things progress for you.</p>

11

<p>Also, at the risk of looking like a college snob here, you said you are in a “very selective eastern LAC” and now you’re thinking of the likes of “Warren Wilson, College of the Atlantic, Prescott College.” </p>

<p>What the heck? </p>

<p>If you said you’re a College X and you don’t like it because you miss significant athletics, or you miss a more academic atmosphere, or you’re not happy with the Greek system – these are all specific things that one could reasonably miss. But why, if you can’t articulate why you’re unhappy, would you want to transfer to a much less prestigious, less academically rigorous school?</p>

<p>The only consistency I can find among the three schools you’ve mentioned are that they are all fewer than 1000 students. Otherwise, they’re in such disparate places as Maine, South Carolina, and Arizona. </p>

<p>Are you feeling overwhelmed by the size of your school – which, I’m totally guessing, might be 2000 students? (That seems to me to be the typical northeastern LAC size.) </p>

<p>I really don’t understand. We need more info.</p>

12

<p>I am glad you are going to see a professional about it. Even just to see is it the school or something else. </p>

<p>If you can’t explain what has changed, or what it is you do not like, then I don’t see how you can find another school yet that would make you happier.</p>

<p>Maybe you could tell us some of the things that mad you cry this year? Or what things made you angry? And also did similar things not happen last year or is it that you didn’t react the same way?</p>

13

<p>I can see why your friends can’t help you since you yourself don’t know why you’re unhappy at your LAC. Until you know, I would counsel against transferring. There are things about a college that one cannot change: size, location, requirements, general social scene, to name but a few. But if you do not know what of these aspects bother you, it would be risky to seek to transfer to another college: it might have exactly the same characteristics as your present one, minus the good friends and plus the difficulty of trying to get familiarized with its own curriculum, housing situation, social scene, and so on.</p>

14

<p>If your challenging your values and considering spending time on a working farm or transferring to a school like Warren Wilson, I see nothing wrong with that. But be careful that your not suffering from the grass is greener on the other side syndrome… </p>

<p>Warren Wilson is a great (and unique) school and will make students who choose correctly very happy and students who don’t know what their getting into miserable. </p>

<p>Choose what will make you happy in life. Running toward happiness is very different from running away from something - make sure you understand the difference.</p>

15

<p>The list of things I don’t like about my current college is long. Primarily, it’s the intense pre-professional atmosphere and the competition that goes along with that. </p>

<p>The classes I like best are science classes which means I spend most of my days with pre-meddies. Even though I have near perfect grades in these classes, I often feel like my peers look down on me because I don’t see myself finding the cure for cancer (I think I want to be some sort of teacher)</p>

<p>I am drawn to the colleges I listed above because they have classes in outdoor leadership, sustainable living, farming etc. I also believe that these schools would have the student body that fits these classes. My current school offers no classes like this and I don’t feel like my classmates care about the same things I am passionate about. </p>

<p>But, after reading these responses, I think I know that I need to try harder and finish here. Many of your responses are the responses I think my family would have if I told them that I wanted to leave. It is helpful to see what my parents might think about my situation. </p>

<p>Thank you</p>

16

<p>Actually, Friendly, I don’t think people are saying “don’t transfer.”</p>

<p>What they’re saying is “don’t transfer unless you are confident that your school is the cause of your problems and that going to another school would change things.”</p>

<p>If the problems lie within you or are caused by situations that most sophomores face (needing to get serious about choosing a major and career field, for example), transferring would not solve the problem. Moreover, transferring is a lot of bother, and it would separate you from the good friends you have made. So the decision about whether or not to transfer is one that needs to be thought through carefully.</p>

17

<p>OP–I’ve reread this since you posted new info.</p>

<p>You stated:</p>

<p>That you were ecstatic to go to your current school, that you made good friends and that your first year was SO good. </p>

<p>That your summer experience somehow changed you and you now feel dissatisfied. </p>

<p>That you now dislike the pre-professional atmosphere and that you feel judged by pre-med peers in your science classes. </p>

<p>That it seems that your classmates don’t care about the things you care about.</p>

<p>Is this the accurate progression of your feelings on this matter? </p>

<p>So this seemingly indicates that you have somehow evolved out of your environment and maybe it’s not sophomore slump(?)</p>

<p>Were you not thinking about any of these things last year? </p>

<p>Are you discovering a depth that you were unaware of prior to your summer experience? </p>

<p>Or, are you possibly romanticizing your experience for some other reason?</p>

<p>I don’t know which very selective eastern LAC you are at–could be anything from Williams to Davidson, but I find it difficult to believe that any eastern LAC doesn’t have a significant population of students that care about the important issues of the day even if many are competitive and career-driven. </p>

<p>Are there no volunteer opportunities there for you to pursue that you would find fulfilling. My own D is in a pressure-cooker but has found her “outlet” and more like-minded friends through ECs and volunteering rather than through the randomness of being housed together. </p>

<p>Many school’s dining services now work with local producers to some extent–if you are interested in farming maybe there is something going on there that you could get involved with or even initiate. (Trying to help you think creatively.) Does your school have some kind of active chat board where you could post about finding people with the same interests? There has to be someone who thinks as you do. Is there an eco type group on campus? Is there another school nearby that your school shares resources with where you may find your people? Are you a vegetarian–maybe there’s a group that might share some of your interests? </p>

<p>Sometimes just being positive and pro-active can get you out of a funk. So, tell us, what do you do there with your spare time?</p>

18

<p>Friendly:</p>

<p>Does your current LAC have classes on environmental science and environmental policy? Would it be possible to create a special major with your interests in mind?
Biology almost anywhere tends to be populated with pre-med students. Even if they are interested in many subjects besides medicine, they need to keep focused on admission to med school which is not only very competitive and relies heavily on grades and MCAT scores, but also has quite specific requirements. So going somewhere else but taking similar courses might not solve your concerns unless the new college allowed you to take courses that were not so heavily pre-med.</p>