Ahh just wrote my essay, have no idea if im on the right track

Applying to College
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<p>Does anyone want to read it and give me their HONEST evaluation...this is just my rough draft for the first college app essay I have ever written and I won't be offended if you tell me that it is terrible.</p>

<p>Its 503 words and is common app essay number 1.</p>

<p>thanks in advance</p>

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<p>i'll read it, pm me.</p>

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<p>sure I will too...why not, I'm bored on a Saturday night :(</p>

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<p>Hand me a copy if you want.</p>

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<p>PM it 10 chr</p>

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<p>PM it ......</p>

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<p>I'll take a look at it.</p>

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<p>I'l ltake a look</p>

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<p>I'll take a look also.</p>

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<p>sure, i'll read it :)</p>

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<p>I'll read it too</p>

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<p>I will have a look, pm me</p>

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<p>Pm me the essay as well</p>

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<p>I'll read it also..PM me</p>

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<p>If you want more reviews, just PM it to me.....</p>

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<p>Your essay is ok but it isn't fluid. Also the topic is quite trite and the conclusion just come out of nowhere stating what lesson you have learned. However your essay is about the right length and you opened with a "grabber" intro. Nice job, but I think there a many many essay on how people survived death and the things that they learned from it.</p>

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<p>Not interesting... good intro.. but the story indeed sounds trite and the lesson that you have learned from it seems to fall from the sky in the end.. and is not really impressing or anything</p>

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<p>thanks for the help...I guess my conclusion is a little weak and I need to liven it up more. I did not think i'd get this much response so i'll just post it. There is no overly personal information. Thanks again.</p>

<p>One week before my twelfth birthday, I nearly bled to death.</p>

<p>Not that it was bloody, messy, or even very painful. I wasn’t the victim of some terrible accident or dreadful disease. There were no flashing red lights, ear-splitting sirens, or life-saving miracles. I did not know that I had lost nearly half of my blood. I did not even know that I had almost died.</p>

<p>It started like any normal weekend. I was living in Antwerp, Belgium at the time where my father had a corporate assignment. On a weekend sightseeing trip with my family, we decided to climb the famous belfry in the city of Brugge, Belgium and I became nauseous and lightheaded. My parents, who thought I was just being difficult, encouraged me to reach the top, and despite my dizziness and discomfort, I nearly did. </p>

<p>Upon reaching home, my mom noticed that I was very pale. She took my temperature, but it registered normal. She told me to get some rest to see how I felt in the morning.</p>

<p>I woke up in a cold sweat, shivering and sick. I crawled to my parents’ room and fell to the floor. I was ghostly pale and could barely move. I was rushed to a children’s hospital and immediately put into intensive care. Blood tests revealed that my hemoglobin, which should have been around twelve, was only 6. The doctors told us that I was rapidly losing blood from somewhere in my stomach. Over the next several hours I received four units of blood in a blood transfusion, and many tests to determine the source of the bleeding. It was a scary time, especially for my parents, who struggled to communicate in English with Flemish-speaking doctors.</p>

<p>What had caused this to happen? I had been very healthy, except for a very mild case of juvenile rheumatoid arthritis which had caused some inflammation in my wrists and fingers. I was taking an over-the-counter medicine, Aleve, an anti-inflammatory medicine that was supposed to combat the disease. This medication had been prescribed by my doctors, and I was very, very good at taking the recommended dosage each day.</p>

<p>What I didn’t know was that taking even a “safe,” over-the-counter medicine can have terrible side effects. The Aleve had caused an ulcer in my stomach which was apparently the source of the bleeding. I had lost a lot of blood over the period of several days. This was not something we knew could happen. It was ironic that a medicine that was supposed to help ended up doing more harm than good.</p>

<p>From this ordeal I learned a very important lesson about the effect that drugs can have on your body. If a drug which is prescribed by a doctor ends up being harmful, I can only imagine what an illegal substance could possibly do do. When I was twelve, I learned something very important about drugs and medication that most people, unfortunately, do not learn until it is too late. You never know what kind of effect that a drug or medication can have on your body. Drugs can be harmful, and sometimes even lethal. I plan to stay away from them for the rest of my life.</p>