almost done with college and never really found niche

Parents Forum
1

<p>i cant help but blame myself for all my failures. Sure, I've made plenty of acquaintances but not many I would consider a friend, and definitely no core group of friends. my 2 best friends in college, 1 of them wants his alone time, so he never wants to hang out, while the other one is very academically focused, so usually the only hanging out we do is eat dinner once in a while togehter and then he goes back to study. i really wanted to find a group of friends who actually wanted a social life.</p>

<p>it doesnt help that i commuted my first 2 years of college, and lived off campus the last two, and never got to live in the dorms. it was mostly in my 3rd year that i tried really hard to make friends. during that time, I tried to be outgoing and put myself out there. I've talked to people and that's how I made my acquaintances. I've joined clubs, mostly to meet people and not because i really enjoyed the activity, and met people but no one who I could spend time with outside of the club. everyone seems to know everyone else and I feel left out. i never really found a group of friends i thought i clicked with. the closest was my study group was last year, but they didnt want to hang out with me. whenever i called them to hang out, they didnt answer the phone or made up excuses to not hang out. I can truly say that I've given up.</p>

<p>However, my dilemma is that I'm stuck on how I want to feel. i sometimes convince myself that i'm just a loner by nature and that i dont really want friends. hence, i'm not always sure i know what i want. but i would be open to going to parties, to meet people and not drink much, but i've never once been invited to one</p>

<p>being a loner every weekend drove me crazy to the point that I was becoming suicidal because of it. I never get calls to go do things, except from the close friend i mentioned earlier</p>

<p>i tried counseling, but it didnt really help much. they were good listeners but didnt really suggest much advice other than taking antidepressants</p>

<p>just wondering if any of you parents felt the same way, and if you did, i was wondering if life got any better after college, and how so.</p>

2

<p>heinrich, I too had trouble making close friends while in college. In my case, I came to college after living overseas for high school, transferred, and then spent a year abroad, so I found it hard to connect to my fellow students.</p>

<p>More than 20 years after graduating, I still have only a few close friends. Despite having lived in the same town for 20 years and raising my children here, I have not made any friends from amongst my neighbors.</p>

<p>Overall I would say my lack of friendships is mostly due to my preference for a small number of close friends who really “get” me rather than a wide circle of more casual acquaintances, as well as many characteristics that put me outside of the mainstream (for example, I don’t watch sports or TV).</p>

<p>It is very difficult because my sense is that one makes friends most effectively because of circumstances rather than because one is making a conscious effort to widen one’s social circle. And oftentimes these friendships do not survive the change in circumstances - maybe someone was your best friend at sleepaway camp, but when you return home, your need for this friend will lessen and you may well lose touch.</p>

<p>In retrospect, I’ve made the best friends when I best fit in to the environment. So if you are a bit geeky, you might make great friends if you go to work for a software company. If you are outdoorsy, you might be more prone to find your social circle in Burlington, VT than living in the middle of a large urban area. I felt more at home in the Boston area than I did while living in the Midwest.</p>

<p>I am not surprised that you have found it difficult to break into social circles which have already been established. Once you find yourself in a situation where more people are new and looking to make friends, you may find it a different ballgame. It is definitely the case that many find themselves hanging out with people they meet at work, so maybe your first job out of school will be a better situation.</p>

3

<p>Heinrich, I don’t think “not finding your niche” is quite as unusual as you may think…and I certainly don’t think it is a “failure” for which you should “blame” yourself. I graduated from college with a very small group of close friends, only a few of whom I maintain contact with. I was just in a different place than many of my peers at the time; when I’ve attended reunions, I’ve found I actually have more in common now (parenting, career choices) than I did back in the day. And I never felt that my inability to have a large social group in college reflected poorly on me; it was just a choice I made through circumstance and preference. </p>

<p>My daughter, too, will graduate with a small core group of friends, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she only keeps in touch with 2-3 of them. That’s because she’s an introvert (as explained in this article: [Caring</a> for Your Introvert - The Atlantic (March 2003)](<a href=“http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch]Caring”>Caring for Your Introvert - The Atlantic) ). She’s not the least bit shy, but she would find a large social group exhausting. Have you ever considered whether you are an introvert or an extrovert? Do you think it’s possible that this has made a difference in your interactions?</p>

<p>Please continue counseling if at all possible. A good listener may seem like too little, too late, but they may be able to help you reach a healthier level of self-awareness…one that does not include beating yourself up and suicidal thoughts.</p>

4

<p>heinrich, first of all, please see a counselor to rule out any problems such as depression or unconscious behaviors you may exhibit that push people away (although I doubt this is the problem): five or six hours of counseling can sometimes make a big difference; second, if there is a spiritual community you feel comfortable with, please attend their services and join an age appropriate group. They are usually very welcoming to new people and it might be a good place to make friends and find support. Doesn’t matter which faith, any one will do as long as you can be sincere about it. Lastly, do not judge yourself by what you have done by age 21 or 22. You have barely had time to figure out who you are and once you mature you will likely gravitate to people with whom you have something in common. Kids your age are part of a generation that has valued online relationships over in-person interaction at times and there are plenty of people like you at colleges that have a harder time making friends. I have heard college administrators comment on this in recent years. Lots of people develop their friendships later on when they get jobs and have the intimacy of day to day contact. I agree that not living on campus may have limited your friend prospects earlier, but that does not define your life going forward. You sound like someone who strives to put yourself out there, even if it does not come naturally to you. Keep trying to put yourself in situations where you have daily contact with a group of people your age. You will eventually find the friends you are looking for. You only need one or two to positively impact your life. Don’t forget to tell the counselor about your fleeting suicidal feelings… that is not something you should ignore, even if you do not feel that way at this time. Good luck.</p>

5

<p>‘Overall I would say my lack of friendships is mostly due to my preference for a small number of close friends who really “get” me rather than a wide circle of more casual acquaintances, as well as many characteristics that put me outside of the mainstream (for example, I don’t watch sports or TV).’</p>

<p>how did you meet your spouse then? at your workplace?</p>

<p>‘Have you ever considered whether you are an introvert or an extrovert? Do you think it’s possible that this has made a difference in your interactions?’</p>

<p>i consider myself an introvert, and its definitely hurt me socially, as for instance, i blew a chance to get a gf. but i dont think its the only culprit. commuting probably hurt too. i see a lot of people i walk by near the dorms who look like the niche of friends i’ve been looking for</p>

6

<p>From the way you described it, I can understand how it would have been tough to play catch up socially at college when you commuted. There does not seem to be any basis for blaming yourself, you just weren’t there full time when kids were bonding. And once they bind after a year or two, they take on less friends, probably in fact drop them because they focus more on school and, if applicable, girlfriend/boyfriend.</p>

<p>The article written about Caring for Your Introvert is, although written in an entertaining manner, very informative. Of course, an introvert should not care that much about how many friends they have, but I am an introvert and always felt inadequate about it.</p>

<p>I only made one close friend in college, and we were actually out of touch for 20 years.</p>

<p>It is a hard thing to explain, but it is hard to make friends. It just is. You can’t blame yourself. </p>

<p>I have very few close friends, but my wife is hyper social (which makes a nice balance) and I am very close to my two children, and we are a very very tight family. And, by my involvement in my community, I know a ton of people and in fact am running for public office in Nov.</p>

<p>Don’t force it. If you force anything, friendship, romance, etc., you are bound to fail. </p>

<p>Be forthcoming, but not desperate.</p>

<p>I have always felt like I did not make as many friends as I should have or could have, but am at peace with it at age 52.</p>

<p>Honestly, if you keep up a positive attitude and find a mate, and if you can set down roots in a community, that tends to create a social life for you and of course a family can make a self sustaining unit.</p>

<p>Don’t look back, move forward, be friendly, “tend your own garden”, and be patient.</p>

<p>Whatever you do, don’t blame yourself. It is a big world out there, and it is very easy for people to feel lonely.</p>

7

<p>heinrich, I moved from the midwest to the East Coast for graduate school.</p>

<p>I was socially MUCH happier in graduate school, and went through a brief period where apparently I was much more attractive to the opposite sex. (I would say this was probably because I finally wasn’t so worried about having a boyfriend and was ready to just wing it on my own for awhile.)</p>

<p>During this time I had a job as a waitress in a restaurant. My now husband and his best friend came in for dinner and, since it was a slow night, I chatted them up. </p>

<p>My now husband asked for my number and, as they say, the rest is history – I would also say that he is not the type to ask waitresses for their number and he was the only person I waited on at the restaurant who ever asked me out…</p>

8

<p>Heinrich- try not to want to emulate others and have what you perceive to be the societally known ‘normal life.’</p>

<p>Instead try to learn more about yourself and figure out what really makes you happy. I went to a commuter school and I have one person I know from college and do not even see her. I was focused on my BF at the time who became my DH.</p>

<p>I met my husband at work and though there were nearly 100 employees there, as mgmt I could not socializing outside of the mgmt group was frowned upon as it could get awkward. Luckily DH was mgmt, too ;)</p>

<p>In looking back over the past 30-40 years of ten & adult relationships, we had kids and lived in a small town for 10-15 years, were very involved in community groups, church, kids sports, etc and had many social things going on for all the excuses- Super Bowl, Memorial Day, Labour Day, July 4th, etc. It was always a full house with a fun group and yet we moved 10 years ago and I am not in touch with very many of those people who practically lived at my home and over time the ones I did stay in touch with became more of an occasional email friend rather than a daily phone friend.</p>

<p>It is amazing how circumstances putting you together or taking you apart affect friendships, even with people with whom you sincerely connect.</p>

<p>I have two DDs who are very perspicacious in choosing friends and leave each situation in life with 1-3 friends they feel are worth keeping in touch with. I have another DD who has tons of friends every where she goes and makes a sincere and serious effort to stay in touch with people from everywhere. She still SEES people from the town she left at 13, she SEES people from HS, is in a sorority and makes connections well. </p>

<p>Her sisters make fun of her # of friends & photos on facebook, they tease her all the time and she teases them back. Neither of them is interested in keeping in touch with that many people, for social DD it comes naturally.</p>

<p>Be yourself, enjoy it.</p>

<p>My parents do not need a ton of friends, my DH’s parents are in a social group with whom they have spent time since the 1960s…many are dying off, but the in laws are still very involved and it is important to them. My parents lost those groups when they moved to new areas twice in the last 20 years and they don’t really seem to miss them.</p>

<p>Be not afraid to discover yourself and the level of interaction you prefer. My DH wants less than I do and complains about anything I schedule yet he is way more the life of the party than I am ;)</p>

9

<p>I am so impressed with the parents who have replied. This is all great advice, and great comfort for many. Adding to the wonderful comments already posted, I would like to suggest that you volunteer somewhere, preferably for an organization that has a decent sized volunteer group. Start now if you can, or after graduation. Whether it is in a local arts organization, a community gorup, a library, a VA hospital, a homeless shelter, you will begin to meet genuinely ‘nice’ people who are there for a common good and don’t care about pre-established cliques. Sometimes a college student might just be somewhat more mature than the frat boys and pretty girls that seem to be the most popular / social students on campus. In many ways, college can be like middle school all over again! So take heart, real life is better for people like you!!</p>

10

<p>'I have very few close friends, but my wife is hyper social (which makes a nice balance) and I am very close to my two children, and we are a very very tight family. And, by my involvement in my community, I know a ton of people and in fact am running for public office in Nov.</p>

<p>Don’t force it. If you force anything, friendship, romance, etc., you are bound to fail.</p>

<p>Be forthcoming, but not desperate.'</p>

<p>how did you meet your wife? i wish i could find a wife or gf who’s pretty social, not shy and introverted like me</p>

<p>you’re probably right about the not ‘forcing it’, as being desperate for friends didnt help me</p>

<p>‘I was socially MUCH happier in graduate school, and went through a brief period where apparently I was much more attractive to the opposite sex. (I would say this was probably because I finally wasn’t so worried about having a boyfriend and was ready to just wing it on my own for awhile.)’</p>

<p>was it more the circumstances, or just your improved social skills, that explains your greater happiness in grad school?</p>

<p>‘try not to want to emulate others and have what you perceive to be the societally known ‘normal life.’’</p>

<p>yeah, i know. i’m jealous seeing how everyone seems to be much happier than me.</p>

11

<p>heinrich,
as you can see many people can relate to your plight and have some great advice. i am guessing that your best years are yet to come! The commuting was definitely isolating for you. You seem very introspective and this is so attractive to many people, especially more so as people mature and evolve. Hang in there and I hope you can make some more meaningful connections soon. The fact that you have identified this need is already a positive sign.</p>

12

<p>I often recommend volunteering for a college or community theater production, because they need so many kinds of people and skills backstage. The energy of the production carries you forward; you’re part of something identifiable and popular, when in fact perhaps you’re just moving around props and chairs, or working a light board with another person. </p>

<p>Being quiet is an advantage, since you can’t talk during rehearsals or performances. While it may seem that the actors are the big cheeses, in fact they are the first to know they depend on the crew for a team effort, or the show can’t show. Volunteer for a non-glory spot on a stage production and see if perhaps that’s for you. </p>

<p>Rehearsals and productions take up evenings and weekends, when you most need some form of social activity. And sometimes people do go off in groups for ice cream after rehearsals or have one bigger cast party at the end of the show. </p>

<p>If they’re selling t-shirts for the show, buy one and wear it around; it’s an icebreaker. You can say you work on the show.</p>

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<p>‘I often recommend volunteering for a college or community theater production, because they need so many kinds of people and skills backstage.’</p>

<p>where do you find such things after college?</p>

14

<p>

</p>

<p>1.If your community has an Arts newspaper, look in it for a section called Auditions, or perhaps Theater/Plays/Dramatic PRoductions.</p>

<p>2 .By the web, look up your town, city or county by name, then and seek out Arts Organizations or Community Theater. If nothing there, get the phone number of the Chamber of Commerce and phone them for a list of Community Theater groups in the region. </p>

<ol>
<li><p>Craigslist. Use searchword “audition” trying these 4 cateogories: all community; all events; gigs; creative.</p></li>
<li><p>Go into an artsy, independent bookstore and look for posters advertising the shows. Contact the director or box office. Ask what’s scheduled next in the season, and whom you can call to volunteer for the next show. Also they might need some help on the current show, just handing out programs or selling rrefreshments at intermission. </p></li>
</ol>

<p>Don’t listen to “no.” There are many companies in a region. It’s very decentralized, so just keep trying until someone lets you volunteer. Tell them you want to be an assistant and don’t have a big career goal here – just want to help them out and get involved with the theater now that you’ve graduated and have the time to help.</p>

<ol>
<li>Since you know your campus, walk over to its theater department. Talk to an acting professor or department head, or any prof who happens to be there at that moment. They WILL know the regional and community theater companies surrounding the school. Also ask the department secretary if there are brochures around, or posted, advertising regional or community productions off-campus.</li>
</ol>

<p>If a prof or theater department secretary will take a moment to call out for you to introduce, saying they have a graduating engineering student here who wants to volunteer for tech/crew work with them, that’s helpful, although certainly not necessary. </p>

<ol>
<li>Buy a local newspaper, especially on Thursday and Friday. Look for the “things to do this weekend.” Notice names of local, community or regional theater companies where the tickets cost less than, say, $50. Now you have their name, so you can contact them by web or telephone.</li>
</ol>

<p>Perhaps with your engineering background you can be attuned to set construction, set design, locating or inventing props, providing special effects, lighting, sound…so many possibilities. Start as someone’s lowly assistant to learn the technical ropes. It’s good to be humble. </p>

<p>If they’re all taken care of on technical work, you might ask if they need another “assistant stage manager” who basically does countless chores around the stage-set, or help with props or move scenery between acts. Just let them know you have the engineering background, too, for future use. Good luck and best wishes.</p>

15

<p>“everyone seems to know everyone else and I feel left out.” </p>

<p>I wonder if it’s harder to make new friends nowadays, given cell phones, texting, etc. Kids may be unused to breaking the ice with strangers.</p>

<p>heinrich, if you go to grad school, or take a new job where many of the new hires are not from that area, you’ll automatically be connected with a group of people who need to make new friends. Take advantage of this. Offer to organize social events, like concerts, card games, etc. Out of that mass of new-in-towners you’ll probably find a good friend or two. Good luck!</p>

16

<p>

</p>

<p>I’d say my social skills were more or less the same throughout this.</p>

<p>My graduate school was the Harvard Divinity School, so it had more odd ducks like myself. I lived in the dorm the first two years and there was a group of us that cooked together, so it was a case of getting a fresh start with some interesting people who were also new in town.</p>

<p>Working as a waitress was also a very good job for socializing. I definitely recommend restaurant work for that.</p>

17

<p>heinrich - From a social standpoint, commuting totally s**ks. But that was then and this is now. If you are naturally introverted you may benefit from spending a portion of your time on individual activities that are personally rewarding (hiking, woodworking, reading, etc) – but if you hope to make progress on the social side then MOST of your time should be spent on activities that involve people. Good luck. Things will improve if you work toward your goals.</p>

18

<p>I agree that community theater is welcoming and offers many opportunities to meet people and to make friends. Since there’s so much competition to be on stage, it’s particularly welcoming to people who are willing to help do things like construct sets, sell tickets, help with props, handle lighting and sound, etc.</p>

<p>I’m among the people who have many more friends the older I get. I was very shy in college, and didn’t have many friends. The older I got, the more comfortable I became relating to people. Practice makes perfect.</p>

19

<p>At least where I’m from, these community groups (theatre, volunteer) tend to be full of older people, not that that’s a problem, i’d still join if interested, but the question is where to find find groups of people your age after college…</p>

<p>good luck heinrich! keep us updated</p>

20

<p>i tried so many things to meet people. what seemed to finally work was to try out all kinds of activities that interest you. i finally settled on biking and kayaking (you spend the day with people taliknag and ahving fun and then you go out to eat and then you are tired and go to sleep…something to do every weeknd and vactions…great people!)
but you might find a different activity more appealing. i tried sailing/dog training/cooking /running etc… give yourself a chance to try new things with no pressure and i’m sure you will find your niche!</p>