Am I Being Unthankful?

Paying for College
1

Hey Guys,

So I have a little issue here. My dad is a doctor and my mom is a nurse, and together they have an income of probably around $400,000/year. That means absolutely no financial aid at all for me. When I visited my financial aid office, the guy literally laughed at me and said “Come on man, get outta here!” I have three other brothers (one older, one younger). My older brother failed out of college, and now my parents pay for an apartment for him, food, entertainment, new clothes, he just got a new bike, refrigerator, iPhone, etc. He just literally smokes weed all day when I’m volunteering and studying hard to get into med school. My two younger brothers are both in private schools (middle school and high school).

I was a star student in HS. I graduated in the top 3% of my class, got accepted to an Ivy League school, was in the newspaper a number of times (~10) for different volunteer projects and national awards. Well, my parents said that I’d need to find scholarships to afford the Ivy League school. As an upper-middle class white strait conservative male, I couldn’t find any. So I gave up the Ivy League acceptance and attended a local state school.

My parents forced me to take out an unsubsidized loan to pay for tuition, now I have $20k debt and just finished 2 years of undergrad. They said that if I wanted to live on campus, I would have to get a job to pay for rent, my own car, my own insurance, my own food, etc. Well, I’m premed so I can’t work the 50 hours/week required to pay all that, so I live at home and commute. Despite my near perfect SAT score, strait As in AP/IB classes, tons of volunteering, not even a single speeding ticket, and having an Ivy League acceptance, I’m stuck being an absolute deadbeat loser with tons of debt living with my mom at 20. Never had a girlfriend, don’t have any real friends at all, life is shit.

Whenever I complain to my parents about how they aren’t helping me enough, they say that I’m such an ungrateful kid and should be happy they let me use their car, live in their house, and eat their food. Whenever I ask for money for something, like a textbook, my parents always say “don’t you have loans for that?”. When I try to sit down and talk to my dad, he always say some bullshit about how his “ostensibly high salary” prevents him from “splurging on his kids” even though I’m the only kid not getting anything. Sometimes my dad says he’s “saving for retirement” or how “well, after taxes, mortgage, bills, etc I really don’t make much at all”. Other kids with household salaries a tenth of my parents get to live the college life while I’m stuck here rotting away my youth.

Everytime I try to talk to them about it, it immediately turns to how I’m such an unthankful, spoiled little brat. The fuck?

So…am I just being ungrateful? Are my parents treating me fairly? Any advice?

Thanks so much.

2

You feel entitled to share your parents’ wealth and they don’t feel obligated to share it with you. Life isn’t fair, just ask my kids.

I think it is time for you to go it on your own. You can work for a few years and then return to college as an independent student. You can try to transfer to a school that will reward you for your excellent grades. What you can’t do is force your parents to give you their money.

3

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My older brother failed out of college, and now my parents pay for an apartment for him, food, entertainment, new clothes, he just got a new bike, refrigerator, iPhone, etc. He just literally smokes weed all day when I’m volunteering and studying hard to get into med school. My two younger brothers are both in private schools (middle school and high school).


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Your educated parents have a screw loose.

Although it’s their money to do whatever they want with, giving their hard-working child a hard time while indulging the flakey one is, well, stupid. Why isn’t he living at home?

I’m sorry that this happened to you, but at this point there’s nothing to be done. All you can do is do your best, get into med school, and move on. Are they going to help you with med school costs?

If I were you, I’d be curious as to how long they’re going to be paying for brother’s apt? forever?

4

Thousands of students get into medical school graduating from “state schools”. It’s all about you and your academic record, not what school you went to. $20K is hardly “tons” of debt for someone who is of medical school caliber.

5

Well, with a family income like that, you’re probably never going to get financial aid. Sorry.

It seems like you have issues with your personal life beyond financial aid issues/what strangers on an online forum can tell you. This seems like an issue that needs to be resolved within your family-- you can try to describe your situation to financial aid folks, but you would never get the money over other people who are applying for it an absolutely DON’T have the money in their family. Whether or not you have access to it from your parents is a problem beyond the financial aid office’s control as a) you have the money, and people whose household income is <25k need it way more than you b) there’s really no way for them to tell if you’re lying about your parents not wanting you to have money or not.

Try to work it out with them is basically all I have to say

PS having a girlfriend isn’t everything

6

“You feel entitled to share your parents’ wealth”

Nope. I worked hard in high school and feel entitled to scholarships and financial aid. The financial aid office expects me to be entitled to my parents wealth, which results in me getting nothing. I don’t see where I did anything wrong, yet my life is shit.

7

^ I think the issue is how they treat his brother vs him. Parents are subsidizing his brother’s lazy/irresponsible lifestyle while ignoring the hardworking kid. Why not make the brother live at home (or elsewhere) an use the money from his apartment for the OP’s expenses? Hmm not fair.

8

“Why isn’t he living at home?”

Because his lifestyle is damaging to his younger brothers, according to my dad. My dad has spent literally tens of thousands of dollars on $200/hr therapy, psych hospitalizations, etc.

“Are they going to help you with med school costs?”

Hell no.

“how long they’re going to be paying for brother’s apt? forever?”

Until he is “financially independent” which is never, which means forever.

I think they see it as people who need money most get it. I am academically successful, so I don’t need any money. They don’t understand that there is more to life than getting the degree.

9

Honestly, I am sympathetic to this OP…I’ve had friends like his parents…too soft on some of their kids so they make up for it by being hard-nosed with the others…OP, part of it might be that they did everything for the older sibling and look how that turned out.

My recommendation is to pretend that you’re from an average income family. Right now, you’re going to a state school like many hundreds of thousands of other kids. Your good performance there will then lead to medical school. Try not to let the bitterness eat away at you. I know its hard. But concentrate on making the absolute best of what you have. You have a good life awaiting you.

10

My grandparents are super rich (8 figure net worth), and they never helped my dad with his med school. Maybe he’s projecting his past problems on me. Any way to confront him about that?

11

So, if you make medical school, are they going to help you with that?

12

“So, if you make medical school, are they going to help you with that?”

*When. And no, that’s why he refused to cosign a private loan for the Ivy League school.

13

So, you’ll be taking an additional $250K in debt. Just be glad your undergraduate debt is low.

ETA: I know of many pre-meds who managed to get into medical school and who worked to defray costs as well.

14

I feel for you OP. It is terrible when schools “expect” parents to pay before they will give aid, but parents are not required to do so, leaving their kids in a catch 22. It is no more this kid’s fault that he doesn’t have the $ than is a kid with two unemployed parents. Yet kid 1 is frozen out, and kid 2 goes to college free…

I know there is no way for colleges to verify a story like this, but honestly, that isn’t even the issue. They just don’t care. If your parents have $, they have to pay…except, oops, they don’t actually have to pay.

Hang in there. If you end up at $40k in loans though, with med school, that could get scary. Who paid your parents’ tuition?

15

My dad went to undergrad on scholarships and he paid back his med school loans himself.

16

You could try to use logic and guilt-trip them into helping you – how they are throwing money away on a deadbeat loser while ignoring the needs of their responsible, hard-working progeny – but that might just make them more resistant.

But – what do you have to lose? They are hardly helping you at all now anyway, right?

You might also remind them that someday, someone will have to wheel them around, change their bedspreads, cook for them, etc… and who knows how expensive nursing homes will be by then? Do they think your brother will help them? (just leave that rhetorical question hanging there)

I don’t know them or you, but I’m mad at them on your behalf for rewarding laziness and failure while turning a blind eye to the needs of a hard-working, intelligent student. That is bass-ackwards of what it should be.

But – keep working hard, keep your chin up, and find a way to get through med school. Worst case scenario if you continue working hard: you’ll have a large school loan to pay off, but you should be able to do that with a six-figure salary as a doctor.

17

prezbucky, that always backfires. They say my brother is the one who needs the help, and that I need to grow up and get a job at McDonald’s (my mom’s exact words, said with mockery).

18

Scholarships even for room and board?

Listen, the old I did it and so can you argument is fine, but not applicable here. I paid for 8 years’ tuition. I paid off my loans. But it would all cost nearly 3X that amount now, which I just don’t think is apprpriate to dump on a kid if not necessary.

I’m not sure you have options here though. Is it possible for your older brother to talk to them? Any chance he would feel guilty about this?

19

Lol my older brother doesn’t give a single shit

20

Then just do it all on your own – show them. And someday, if you have kids, you’ll treat them fairly because you know how much it sucks when parents don’t treat their kids equally.