<p>I've starting writing my personal statement but I'm not sure if this is too cliche or boring I feel like my experiences are unique to me and my family but I'm not sure if the way in which I'm going about explaining them is good.
Constructive criticism is gladly welcomed even in it's harshest form.</p>
<p>Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>
<p>We were wolves traveling as a pack, I was the alpha male. Curiosity was, and is, abundant in our pack and I always have had the skills to lead us towards new discoveries and hypothesize possible fixes for our problems. Cousins and siblings counted, there are 14 in our pack, and all of them have fostered my creativity and have allowed me to acquire leadership skills that I utilize whenever I’m given the chance. Whether it was roaming our domain outside or coming up with a new idea for a skit on how to better our lives, we always strengthened each other through teamwork.</p>
<p>Can you rewrite it without the wolf metaphor? It’s awkward.
Throughout the essay it sounds like you’re trying too hard to sound smart. Try to be more natural.</p>
<p>(And write out “fourteen” instead of “14”. It’s less grating to look at.)</p>
<p>It is clear that you are describing your family and how they have influenced you. However, there needs to be more YOU in the essay. Try using the word “I” more often, and provide concrete examples and experiences that showcase how your family (or your pack) has molded your dreams and aspirations. </p>
<p>I like your general theme, but just make sure to make it personal to you.</p>
<p>Do you think removing that part would make it better or should I just rephrase it?
And the structure of the sentences or the words that are in it?
Also thanks I was searching up on whether to write 14 or fourteen but I couldn’t find anything
Sorry for all the questions, Thanks for replying</p>
<p>Should I start off right away using concrete examples?
I used them in my second paragraph but I can see it working if I moved them to the beginning</p>