An unforeseen consequence of a student off to college

Parents Forum
1

<p>Never really thought about it in advance, but when my kid was in high school, we had interaction with the parents of his friends. Of course, the younger the kids, the more interaction we had, but it seems like we were always talking or getting together for activities or planning graduation parties or whatever.</p>

<p>Then, the kids go off to college and - !boom! - the interaction pretty much goes away. Twice since September, we've invited a few parents to dinner, but in general it seems that the commonalities have disappeared with the kids.</p>

<p>This is especially true with EC-type activities where there is parent involvement/interaction, like sports, scouts, dance, music, etc.</p>

<p>Anyone else notice that phenomenon? For example, TheDad: Still involved with all the ballet parents?</p>

2

<p>Not as involved but still involved. Part of it is that TheMom has special skills in program production, etc., that keep us in the loop with the studio. But the number of parents we know are inevitably dwindling year by year...this year's grads are a large group. We also still are connected to some people at the high school via the orchestra, but staying connected takes more "work," it doesn't flow as easily. I have the perhaps dubious advantage of often being called to have my brain picked by parents of those who are now juniors & seniors to pick my brain about, <cough!>, college search, selection, and admissions.</cough!></p>

<p>However, I'd say that our closest social circles have never been dominated by school or EC-related people and those are still mostly intact. We're sharing empty-nest experiences with one, another has a daughter a few years older who is just about to graduate and is well into early career choices, etc.</p>

3

<p>This is probably an important issue to anticipate, especially for those who have structured their lives completely around the kids. I have friends a few years older who have made the transition by shifting their energies to volunteer work, attending functions at their temple or church, returning to work (those not employed outside the home), taking classes, forming book clubs and much more. In my case, I can't imagine the close friendships I've made through the kids suffering because the kids are away. If anything, it would probably free us up to plan more time together once we're not running in a million different crazy directions all the time! But yes, I imagine that the more superficial relationships might go by the wayside as time goes by.</p>

4

<p>Now, that you mention it, I started a novel in June (writing, not reading) and last night hit the 60 percent milestone per the outline. There was no way I was going to have the time/energy to write a novel when D was home.</p>

<p>Now that we're "unscheduled," we have more time to do stuff, especially spur-of-the-moment stuff.</p>

5

<p>Funny, DH and I were talking about this last week as I was running out to TWO different school committee meetings at the same time. I was remarking how I will have time to pursue some of the interests <em>I</em> have that have taken a backseat for a while (choral singing, community theater, volunteer work at a hospital, a part time job to pay the college bills:) )</p>

6

<p>One question is whether to stay involved or give up scouts, PTA, sports coaching, board of directors of arts organization or whatever.</p>

7

<p>So I sing in the opera company, and founded a community orchestra which now has 50 members, both of which had roots in my d's experience, and have expanded my book touring. (but I don't know any of the parents from my younger d's gymnastics team.)</p>

8

<p>A group of us ladies who became good friends during the elementary school years continue to meet for lunch monthly now that the oldest are off to college. I'm also in a book club with one of them and go to an exercise class with another, plus the occasional party or potluck get together which includes the husbands, who all enjoy each others company. So it can be done!</p>

9

<p>I agree that it's important to work on a social life before the kids leave if you can. I have a group of girlfriends with whom I get together monthly and we just hang out at each other's houses or go out to dinner or go see a play. When we first got together, there were 12 of us and we played bunco, but after a year found that we were sometimes just rushing the game so we could talk. If you could start a couple bunco group, you might find that as a fun night out once the kids are gone.</p>

10

<p>Thumper, yeah, TheMom has meetings three to six nights a month spread over three committees.</p>

11

<p>It's kind of like the Red Hat Society's philosophy of getting together for no other reason than fun and enjoying one another's company. If you can nurture those types of relationships ahead of time, they'll withstand a change of commitments!</p>

12

<p>Well, we still have all our friends, so socially this is not a big deal. But there were many other interactions with people that - not that we considered them part of our circle of "friends" - but that we still had interactions with. It's not exactly that I "miss" them, but it is still something I notice.</p>

<p>As for a social life, it actually seems to have grown since S went off to school. We're been so busy that he calls occasionally just to see what we've done since the last time he/we called.</p>

13

<p>Noobie, as a newly minted empty nester, yes, my experience is very much like you are describing. Our lives centered on our two children very much and both were very active in a myriad of EC commitments which we drove them to daily and on weekends (though each drove near the end) and we attended one event after another on a regular basis. Their schedules were such a part of our daily routine...always figuring out how we could be many places at once, how it always impacted dinner and who would be here when, and oh, yes, did I mention the DRIVING??? Where we live, my husband and I put a minimum of 100 miles on each of our cars per day, and it was not unusual to each do 200 on some days. We live in a rural area, and actually the kids' events were sort of a way of connecting with other people our age, other parents, over the years. </p>

<p>So, now both kiddos left. Our lives are not nearly as scheduled and we actually have dinner at dinner time. We do miss their activities but there are nice aspects to the freedom too. I do not truly miss the driving (other than the time spent together). Now, however, while we are not running daily to their activities, we actually are going to SOME of their events related to college. Both our kids went to colleges on the East Coast and we are also on the East Coast. One is four hours away, the other is six. At this time of year, one of my kids is in a varsity sport that has events every Saturday and Sunday and they are located around New England and we are going to almost every one which is allowing us to see her more than we normally do. The drives are WAY longer but I was pleasantly surprised last year when I went to the first one, that MANY of her teammates' parents also traveled to these events and in fact, they all bring food for potluck lunches with the team and so it is sorta like high school events....parents, etc. and last week, there was even a banquet with the parents! So, I'm kinda getting to know some of those particular parents because yes, I am out of the loop with the dance moms, the band parents, the theater parents and all the sports team parents locally as we were so involved before and our paths are not crossing as much. This past weekend, we not only went to D1's race in one state but on Sunday, we went to D2's concert at Smith, though she goes to NYU, but that was half way between us, so we were kinda the "involved" parents all over again, like old times, but farther away! </p>

<p>Anyway, yes, this is a big change!
Susan
PS, ironically our youngest who goes to NYU/Tisch is going to be performing at D1's school, Brown, next month....I might see two at once, but not sure yet if D1 will be there or if she will have left yet for Nationals in her sport, which we also will catch in Maine. Get ready to travel, lol.</p>