and the plot thickens.....

Parents Forum
1

<p>Some of you may have noticed my threads bouncing around here the last few weeks.</p>

<p>My D is the one looking for art, photography as minors and a strong interest in English or Humanities but is undecided as to a major or career paths.( like many seniors)</p>

<p>She knows she wants to live in or very near a city. Her grades are excellent her scores are middle right now but she is working w/ a tutor and studying to retake SAT in Oct. we expect 2150-2250+ range. ECs minimal except for her art.</p>

<p>We have so far NYC: NYU as her reach and Fordham University as second choice.</p>

<p>But here is the drama part:</p>

<p>We live on Long Island NY. Her boyfriend is going to Connecticut in Sept. to attend college. Will they want to be near each other? Will they break up?This is a delicate situation. </p>

<p>My husband is retiring In January 2006. He is currently doing a nationwide employment search for a new career. He wants to start his new job in January and we ( our family ) will sell our home in the spring/summer and join him in a new home next summer wherever he settles.</p>

<p>As it stands now we have no idea where in the country he will find employment.</p>

<p>this causes a conflict for us in a few ways. First my daughter is confused as to where to apply to college since the idea of not knowing where her family will be situated next year is a bit unsettling. She likes NYC, but do we leave her alone in NYC if we are far away? She is not sure how she feels about that too.</p>

<p>second, as far as filling out FAFSA and/or CSS forms and Early decision applications go. This puts us in atight spot to make a sure fire decision about where she wants to attend even if he does not settle on a position before November.</p>

<p>Trying to look for a new job( career change for my husband) new home and sale of this one. Relocate to unfamiliar territory, look for good schools for her sisters and brother, and find a college that she will be happy with in a location not too too far from her family, not to mention that I will also have to look for new employment as well. Plus the boyfriend factor? We like him alot, but they are each others first and only .........new experiences for both might be a good idea......but do not want to interfere either they are very close. Tough spot as a mother to be in. I don't say much unless asked about this.</p>

<p>I knew the journey of our first child going to college may have a few snags here and there to be worked out but now with all these factors it seems overwheming.</p>

<p>Any advice? </p>

<p>We intend on continuing to look at colleges( through internet and reading, unfortunately can not visit too much anymore).</p>

<p>We will keep an open mind to the locations but zero in on her interests and take it day by day.</p>

<p>Has anyone ever had a move the same year thier child went to college? Any encouragement/counsel will be appreciated.</p>

<p>Thanks</p>

2

<p>The BF/GF issue is a difficult one to fathom; it is so hard to tell which relationships will last and which won't, no matter how close they are senior year (based on my observations of my children and their groups of friends). I think I would take that part out of the equation. Regarding your family's location/relocation, if your D loves NYU then it sounds like a fine choice no matter where the rest of you end up. After all, even if your family is no longer nearby, she will be in a city she is familiar with and fond of.</p>

<p>I am fortunate not to have any direct experience of the job search/college application timing part of your quandary, but it sounds to me as though you have a talented and successful daughter who will do well with her college choices; I don't think distance from home should be an overriding factor in the decision, since your plans are uncertain--the key considerations are the various schools' fit for your daughter. (Though the expense of long-distance travel between school and home could be a factor, it sems that with your plans uncertain you can't really use a single geographical area, NYC or otherwise, as your touchstone.) Good luck with it all though--I hope it turns out to be an adventure (the good kind).</p>

3

<p>thanks mattmom. I know it will all work out in the end. Next year at this time we should all be fairly settled. Thanks for the response.</p>

4

<p>I'm starting my senior year in the fall, and my family is moving to New Jersey from Texas after I graduate from high school. In my case though, I never considered schools that were in this part of the country, so they'll actually be closer to me than they would have been otherwise. Just thought I'd let you know you aren't alone; my family is also dealing with this issue, but from a slightly different perspective.</p>

5

<p>I agree with mattmom, if you can take the BF out of the equation, it simplifies things. I would also take the new home out of the equation too. If she's away at school, it won't be home to her, the only consideration is where to fly (or drive) to about 4x/year. After first semester Freshman year, students generally establish their own social network at school and weekend visits are rare. Hopefully, you can have a general idea of your projected finances to help you with the decision.</p>

<p>Sounds like your next year will be pretty stressful. Hopefully all will work out.</p>

6

<p>On the b/f issue -- it's not really a good idea to choose a college on that basis, but I have realized that for my daughter, there is a need for her college list to include a few "emotional" safeties in the same area where her b/f will be attending college. He is starting in the fall, in Boston -- daughter is a rising senior. Daughter had some rather inexplicable colleges on her list of possibles. </p>

<p>Like Emerson. Fine school for communication & the arts -- but my daughter has no plans whatsoever to study either. When she added Northeastern to her list, despite the fact that it also did not offer the majors she was most interested in, I looked at a map of Boston, figured out what was going on, and suggested that she add Simmons to her list. Good safety, walking distance from b/f's school. ;) Daughter was a little embarrassed at my mind-reading, but did acknowledge that I was on the right track as far as figuring out her selection criteria.</p>

<p>I figure that as long as my daughter is applying to a range of schools in different areas, it doesn't hurt for her to throw in a couple near the boyfriend. She doesn't have to make decisions until next May. I would worry if my daughter was only applying to schools near him, but by her college list, I can see that the she will have plenty of choices in other areas. And I can hardly object to the idea of her including Boston as a possible college destination, with or without the boyfriend. </p>

<p>My guess is that however she feels right now, she will have a different outlook next spring. I would note that even though she is looking at some schools near the b/f, she isn't interested in the same school - just close enough for frequent visits.</p>

7

<p>maybe-- like calmom's idea about "emotional safeties"-- do a few geographic safeties... 1 west coast, 1 mid west, 1 south, in addition to New England? Or make a rule that trhey have to be near an airport city?</p>

8

<p>One danger about choosing bf/gf-proximate schools: swimming in a whole new sea of people first semester and a break-up occurs by Thanksgiving...in which case many don't want to be on the same planet with their ex, let alone the same town or the same college.</p>

<p>I don't know what the answer to this is since taking an S/D by the shoulders and saying "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!" doesn't <em>quite</em> seem to be the most productive tack.</p>

<p>Would not stop me from thinking it, however.</p>

9

<p>The flip side of the coin, however, are the lovestruck kids at faraway schools whose grades suffer because the spend every weekend traveling to one another's schools. In my day, kids like that used to generate rather scary phone bills, too - though these days between free internet services like Skype and cell phone plans with unlimited mobile-to-mobile calling, the phone costs can be contained. </p>

<p>My mother dropped out of college at age 19 to marry my dad. Her grades weren't so hot, either -- but my guess is that all of those weekend train trips from Northampton to New Haven didn't help the GPA any. I'm sure that my grandparents felt like grabbing her by the shoulders and shouting, too.... but somehow, in hindsight, I'm kind of glad she was such a stubborn teen. </p>

<p>So in essence, I do see the other side of the coin. Sometimes, when it comes down to it, love IS an important factor to throw into the equation. </p>

<p>It does help that I kind of like my daughters bf and his parents -- she could do a whole lot worse. In any case, she isn't contemplating going to the <em>same</em> college, just one in the same town. And as noted, Boston happens to be a big town with a lot of colleges to choose from. I would agree it would be a nutty idea for a kid to follow the b/f to a small and remote LAC.</p>

10

<p>Luliztee, You certainly have a lot going on in life, four stressful events all interrelated and simultaneous: your husband's job search, potential relocation, your younger kids' schooling, your daughter's college applications. I've never been in that exact situation, but have certainly experienced similar job-related crises that involved home and schools. It's not fun, especially when a move is likely. </p>

<p>I have a theory that there are five stress points in everyday life: employment/income, kids/family/friends, love life/significant other, house/home, health. We can deal with problems with one or even two areas, but when it gets to three, four or, God forbid, five, the stress becomes overwhelming. They are interconnected, as stress can lead to health problems and health problems can lead to money problems and on and on.</p>

<p>So, take a deep breath and evaluate your options one at a one.</p>

<p>Why do you feel that your daughter's visits need to be curtailed? (Not questioning your decision, just trying to understand the reasons.) Remember she doesn't need to apply for another four months and doesn't need to make a decision for eight months. There will be time to visit. If it's a financial situation, again, don't overreact until your husband's situation is clearer. Many, many students defer visiting until after the acceptances come in.</p>

<p>As far as the boyfriend goes, try to convince your daughter to put proximity to him at the bottom of her wish list. (More easily said than done, I'm sure. :)) If it's true love, it will survive a separation. If it's not, well, then. . . </p>

<p>I also wouldn't worry about sending a child to study in NYC without family nearby. Kids who thrive in urban environments do so with the help of their college community, not their parents. If NYU is suitable for your daughter then it would be so whether you live in Long Island or California.</p>

<p>The issue of not knowing where you will end up geographically and concern about your daughter ending up far away, is something that you just can't control right now. If it's important to you and her to be close to home (again, I'm not passing judgment on this) it may mean that she'll have to apply to a geographically diverse list along the same lines as what your husband's doing. Remember the decision doesn't need to be made for many months. In April you will have a clearer picture.</p>

<p>Lastly, on the issue of financial aid, if you need it, I wouldn't recommend applying ED, you'll want to compare and negotiate offers. Many families experience job related ups and downs and financial aid offices are accustomed to dealing with special and fluid situations. Fill out the forms based on what you know at the time. If your situation changes go back to them. Keep the lines of communication open.</p>

11

<p>We sent our son to NYC -- big, scary, and far from home. It wasn't easy for us, but he loves it. Just so you know you aren't alone, if that is the route you go.</p>

<p>You've gotten good advice here from people wiser than me. I was one of those who followed their boyfriend to school. Lasted two years, but we are still friends today, 20 some years later. Not sure I would recommend it, though. But I do understand it.</p>

<p>Your situation reminds me of "How to eat an Elephant: One bite at a time." Some of your situations belong more to you, or to your husband. Although they affect everyone, it will help keep the stress down if you can compartmentalize them, and keep them separate from your D's decisions. The ultimate goal of any parent is to raise a child to become independent, competent, and productive ... without us. Sometimes situations actually help us do that. If you can help your D find a school she is crazy about and that is crazy about her (known here on CC as a "fit") then we can hope she will be happy and excited about what she has, and not worry about what she doesn't have. (eg. boyfriend, family near-by, etc.)</p>

<p>Those are words I'm still trying to learn to live by.</p>

12

<p>Momrath has good advice -- but I disagree with the part about trying to "convince" your daughter to put proximity to the boyfriend at the bottom of the list. The reason is that I think that when a parent wants to influence anything related to the kid's love life, you really have to rely on reverse psychology. Otherwise, the natural reaction of the teen is to resist - so "convincing" tends to backfire. I think this would be particularly true with a teen whose family situation was uncertain -- the rationale being that if mom & dad and the siblings move away, the bf may be the only one she's got left.</p>

<p>I know from my own experience that the minute I suggested Simmons as a great safety for my daughter, pointing out its proximity to her boyfriend's college - she shook her head. Simmons is a definite "no" not on her list - and she told me that she is not really going to apply to Northeastern, it just looks interesting. So as I said -- talking about school in Boston seems to create an emotional comfort zone -- but my own cheerful encouragement of the idea seems to have soured her somewhat on the idea. </p>

<p>There are several excellent colleges in Connecticut that really should be on the list of "possibles" for any college bound kid -- Yale, Wesleyen, Connecticut College, Trinity. So its kind of silly to get into a debate over the boyfriend/girlfriend issue given the landscape. Connecticut College & Trinity in particular might be good schools to look at as backups in the event the daughter is not able to get into NYU, or decides that she is not quite ready for living on her own in Manhattan. </p>

<p>So I really think that in this case, the mom has enough on her mind without fretting over the bf issue. She wrote:* We like him alot, but they are each others first and only .........new experiences for both might be a good idea......but do not want to interfere either they are very close.* This is exactly the same situation as I am in with my daughter. It's very likely that when the respective boyfriends start college this fall, the relationships will cool. So its probably best to let things run their natural course, rather than setting up an unnecessary battle about college choice.</p>

13

<p>I compleyely agree with the idea of finding the right "fit" school for my D.</p>

<p>That is the first priority and location second. That is what we are trying to do.</p>

<p>As far as the boyfriend situation we are also just going to ride it out and see where things go between them.</p>

<p>So another words it looks as though we may have to consider all the colleges in and near all the cities in the U.S..............haha just kidding.</p>

<p>But we will have to keep an open mind as far as location and consider many schools with her interests.</p>

<p>At least we will become REAL knowledgeable about colleges located in the cities offered here in America.</p>

<p>Hopefully my husband will have a job decision before early decision time (mid-end of Oct. in order to have application in by Nov.)</p>

<p>It's alot to ask in 3mos. but not impossible. If he still doesn't have a decision by then she will just have to bypass early decision and go regular submission. It's just that it seems that there is a distinct advantage to ED at most schools. But she could do Early Action for those schools that offer it. Although I get the impression that does not hold too much weight.</p>

<p>As far as visiting limitations.....we just don't have the time to take off untill after the holidays. Plus she is taking a difficult courseload senior year and should not miss any days of school. Whatever visits we make would only be Fri. eve-Sun. eve which does not leave much time if driving. Saturday tours only? Or do some schools do Sundays too in the fall? I suppose if there was a school that she was seriously interested in too far to drive we would fly for the weekend. But that could be quite expensive more than once or twice. Perhaps the idea of sending apps without a visit and waiting untill accepted in the spring to visit is what we will have to do. But I know a school like Kenyon suggests strongly that you visit as evidence that you are interested in them as your first choice. Perhaps writing a letter explaining your strong interest but limits for travel unrtil spring, along w/ a request for an alumni interview in NY would be enough?</p>

<p>I like how someone said that my d sounds like a smart, talented young woman who will do well wherever she attends. This made me feel good and it is true. Thanks....</p>

<p>She will be fine, probally in NYC where she wants to be. Hopefully @ NYU! But she may find a different school she likes better once we start investigating schools in proximity to wherever we end up living.</p>

<p>It's just these next few months of not knowing where we will all live a year from now! Frustrating living with the uncertainty.</p>

<p>And yes, Connecticut College's catalog is in among her stack of viewbooks! Even though she likes NYU best.</p>

<p>We shall see what happens...........thanks for all your support.</p>

14

<p>how about barnard?</p>

15

<p>We visited Barnard last week. No real response from my D. I think she felt a bit intimidated by the fact that the girls cross-register w/ Columbia students. Which is really the big draw for Barnard. At this time, Barnard did not seem right for her.</p>

<p>I liked it alot. Maybe that's why....lol.</p>

16

<p>Also, we had just come from Fordham at Lincoln Center's campus.</p>

<p>Of course Barnard and Fordham are in two very different categories. But Fordham has amazing apartment style dorms. Large,clean suites w/great views. And Barnard's first year quad looked run down in comparison as did much of the inside of some of the buildings. Now try to explain to a young girl who wants to live in NYC that the place she will be living should not be a deciding factor when I have to admit ...they were the nicest dorm situations I have seen yet. </p>

<p>But like I said, the two schools are worlds apart for many reasons.</p>

17

<p>If your D is like mine, your plans and worries won't be worth much. When the time comes, she will let you know what she wants. All you can do is put the opportunities in front of her.</p>

<p>We are also from LI. My D was accepted at NYU but decided not to go there. She has been going into the city every weekend and also spent a week in the NYU dorms. She decided going to school in NYC would be too distracting. The lack of a campus and school community at NYU was not something she wanted.</p>

18

<p>Though parent's are paying through the nose for those NYU dorms! Given how they gap on financial aid, you may want to decide if you're willing to pay for views as part of a college education.</p>

19

<p>"Though parent's are paying through the nose for those NYU dorms!"</p>

<p>Not really. NYU room and board is $11,390, not much more than for many private universities in less expensive parts of the country. Considering the location, the r & b is a bargain. My D spent a week in NYU dorms and the rooms were large and comfortable.</p>

20

<p>About your daughter and her boyfriend: the fastest way for them to break up is for them to go off to college together.</p>