Anonymous Post

<p>Recently, a post discussed a Facebook page which allowed Exeter students to get things off their chest anonymously. I took a look at the page and was quite disturbed with several students discussing depression and suicide. Of course, there were also the teen love/broken heart comments. </p>

<p>Are FB pages of this sort typical for all boarding schools as a place to unload? Are they monitored by school administration?</p>

<p>I don't want to encourage kids to go to this page so I am reluctant to name the site.</p>

<p>I know Andover has a similar site though I don’t know if it is on FB. I am sure most schools have something similar.</p>

<p>I am quite sure that the faculty is aware of it.
As a matter of fact, Exeter just did a school wide project where the students wrote down their secrets on cards and the were all hung up in the student center. It was an exercise to show the students that they were not alone. Everyone is going through something. Of course it was all anonymous. The faculty was involved in that project.</p>

<p>The “secrets” pages have been discussed here and there else where on this forum. Most boarding schools have them now, I am not sure which school was first. Thoughts of depression and despair are present on all. </p>

<p>Exeter just completed an extensive assessment of students’ mental health needs. Depression is common among adolescents wherever they are, and Exeter has really ramped up identification and support. So have several other large boarding schools, after finding similar anonymous self-reported rates of depression and despair, and some suicidal ideation. </p>

<p>Check out a whole series of recent mental health articles in the “Exonian (available on-line, sign in instructions just to the left of sign in space, free online).” Self-referral, friend referral, teacher, proctor and adviser referral are all made to on-campus counseling and psychiatric assistance. </p>

<p>This is a good talk to have with your future boarder, which can be framed as “when your friend tells you…what is the best thing you can do to get them help.”</p>

<p>I wanted to make a comment - and I hope it’s heard in the spirit I intended - which is just cautionary and concerned… When I attended boarding schools there was one suicide and several attempted suicides. In every case it was a student who was at the school by parent’s choice, not their own. My D also sees cries for help - although not as drastic - at her own school.</p>

<p>Yes - a lot of adolescents suffer from depression because they are, in many cases, going through emotional and hormonal upheaval. Which is why it is critical to consider two things when looking at boarding schools:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Where does your child want to go (not where does the parent want them to go, which has better stats, which has …fill in the blanks…that might look good.) These three to four years are going to be lived by the child, not the adult.</p></li>
<li><p>If the school is not the first choice - embrace it - celebrate it. For those who are disappointed students - don’t go if you aren’t prepared to love the experience. For those parents - stop pining for the option your child didn’t get and celebrate the one they did. It’s important to go into the situation with a positive attitude so when the going gets tough, there’s a foundation.</p></li>
<li><p>Stop looking at prestige and start examining which schools pay attention to students and have support systems in place. I remember someone “pooh-poohing” the choice our family made because I called it “nurturing.” They don’t coddle, the academics are tough, but every faculty knows what each kid is doing and they meet regularly to discuss. They know who is eating, who is dating, who is getting along - or not - with a roommate. Stop looking at just stats and look at the environment your child is going into. What is the school’s philosophy towards its students?</p></li>
</ol>

<p>I saw the same thing at MIT when I entered. Suicide of an upperclassman because he was used to be the “best” and was now at a school of “bests” and felt he couldn’t measure up. This at a school that doesn’t care about class rank and set the first year (back then) at pass-fail. It was internal pressure, not external. But i suspect he was also feeling pressure from parents.</p>

<p>So be the support system at home. Be the cheerleaders. Stop pushing for extra AP’s, yelling about an 89 won’t get them into an IVY, and stressing out about five hours of SAT practice a day starting Freshman year. Instead push for quality of life and balance.</p>

<p>And students - that goes for you too.</p>

<p>Be smart, or keep that kid home. (and when they call home to vent - let them - don’t judge, don’t try to fix it. Help them find resources on their own so they can spread their wings and fly on their own.) </p>

<p>Been there, seen too much of that.</p>

<p>+1 to Exie!</p>

<p>I really do think some on these boards forget these are children we are talking about. Smart, insightful, capable and independent. BUT children nonetheless. </p>

<p>Thanks for the reminder. I am not all that intense, but I do demand she do HER OWN best… maybe I need to relax even that approach. Something for me to work on, for sure. </p>

<p>This is the time for the kids to make mistakes and learn life lessons. College is important, but not the only reason to go away to boarding school…</p>

<p>+2 to Exie</p>

<p>+googol to Exie</p>

<p>Issues some students discuss on that Facebook page are difficult for adults to discuss. </p>

<p>At some schools it can be hard or impossible for a student to discuss such feelings, because they will run the risk of being sent home by the school for their own good. <a href=“http://www.nytimes.com/2003/07/09/nyregion/on-education-counseling-at-phillips-and-its-consequences.html[/url]”>http://www.nytimes.com/2003/07/09/nyregion/on-education-counseling-at-phillips-and-its-consequences.html&lt;/a&gt;
<a href=“http://www.nytimes.com/2003/07/14/opinion/l-phillips-academy-case-477770.html[/url]”>http://www.nytimes.com/2003/07/14/opinion/l-phillips-academy-case-477770.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Whether or not they feel they can discuss such feelings, some students will have them. I presume this is true at every high school and college. I would not assume that not having such a web page means every student is happy. It’s a mechanism which allows students to publicly express feelings they may not feel safe expressing to others.</p>

<p>ExieMIT, excellent insight especially your point No. 3. Parents would do well to take it to heart. Teen years are tough and self-discovery can be scary because there’s not enough life experience to know and understand how to handle it. Trial and error can wreak havoc on tender emotions. It sounds like there are good support systems by staff but it’s worthless if the child doesn’t reach out and goes it painfully alone.</p>

<p>One of the best posts ever, Exie, and expressed so well. Your #3 is priceless and so very true.</p>

<p>+1000 Exie</p>

<p>+1000% Exie. Great reminder of what should be important to us as patents!</p>

<p>Ditto: +1000 to Exie.</p>