<p>ill read it =)</p>
<p>ill helo out..PM it over</p>
<p>Hey nikki,</p>
<p>I'll read and critique your essays for you.</p>
<p>Clear You Inbox</p>
<p>clear your inbox,</p>
<p>here are my comments:</p>
<p>***for your first essay: </p>
<p>the best advice i ever got for writing my own personal essays was to put in as much detail as possible. take this example: </p>
<p>"I am able to experience first
hand how a lawyer implements laws and policies
onto society" - explain what you learned. did you learn anything particularly interesting about a lawyer's job? about the legislative process?</p>
<p>you can add much more detail to your essay. just concentrate on 1 or 2 details.</p>
<p>also, talk more about your internship cut down the part about the middle school trip. colleges want to know the initiative you've taken.</p>
<p>***for your second essay: </p>
<p>Each picture I take represents a part of who I am.
- how? i don't see you mention this in the essay</p>
<p>These are the qualities that I
used towards my academic pursuits.</p>
<p>These are the qualities
that I will contribute to the UC.</p>
<p>sentences like the two above that begin with "these" are quite bland.</p>
<p>reread the second half of the essay. it sounds very vague. there is not much detail and concrete facts. half the sentences there are fluff. explain more on how photography made you do academic work step by step. </p>
<p>***overall: pretty good, but lots of things you can improve on. i think if u take use my suggestions, both will be great essays in my opinion. </p>
<p>good luck</p>
<p>Hi, Nikki, just eMail me & I will give you my expertise advice.</p>
<p>Inbox cleared. Sorry guys! Keep the suggestions coming. I now have an idea of what I need to improve in my essays since many of you have given me similar suggestions. I will be sending you all a revised version of my essays within a day so please stay in contact. Again, thanks to everyone for critiquing my essays.</p>
<p>just PM it over. ill be glad to help!</p>
<p>ucsbcencalstud & kchen, you have a PM.</p>
<p>ill read it</p>
<p>i'll read it too</p>