Another Unnecessary Not quite Relationship Question

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>Thanks in advance for reading and/or commenting.</p>

<p>Basically, I'm a shy person unless I'm training (track) or playing football or ultimate with friends. On Friday, while at the campus gym, I was running some post workout miles on the indoor track when I notice this riddiculously beautiful girl on the treadmill. We made eye contact and smiled each time I passed so I knew there was something. </p>

<p>I also knew that I had better not be an idiot to waste this opportunity. I have had two girlfriends in high school but neither would be rated above a 5.5 (6 max) on most guys' scales-but believe me, I'm not merely a looks person. At any rate, after she gets off the treadmill (35 minutes of eye contact and smiling later), I go stretch while she goes and does some arm curls. I delay talking with her for another 15 minutes. I FINALLY walk up to her and make some riddiculous conversation about her being the only person I've seen maintain a high degree of endurance in the gym (she had run for like 90 minutes at probably a 6.5 MPH pace). I find out she lives in my old neighberhood etc. I GET HER NUMBER DESPITE this retarded conversation I initiated. (Switching to present tense and I don't know why)...Then I ask her if she'd like to run together sometime. She expresses what I read to be dramatic concern at not being able to keep up so I reassure her rather stumblingly. There is still a great deal of shy smiling and eye contact-look down going on by both of us. She says she'd like to run.</p>

<p>So here's the thing:
1) How do I move past merely running together to doing something else?
2) I have not called her yet...do I call right now and ask her what's going on? If she'd like to run tomorrow?
3) What to say?
^These questions may seem odd from a guy that has relationship experience (or not), but stem from the fact that each girl I dated kind of fell to me. Basically I had a YHOOOOOGE amount of evidence that each person was into me and we were good friends so they were easy. This person now is a relative stranger.</p>

<p>Thanks again, I appreciate it.</p>

2

<p>She's interested. Just after you run, (the first or second time so you don't just become her running buddy), ask if she wants to do something. Anything. My guess is that she'll say yes.</p>

3

<p>There was a thread "How to approach girls w/o being awkward" 2 months back in the forum; read thru it for some general ideas. <a href="http://tinyurl.com/yxapjp%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://tinyurl.com/yxapjp&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>Some general comments. First, at this point she is interested. As the truism about "pickup lines" goes, if she's interested anything you say will work, if she's not the cleverest lines will fall flat. She's talking to you, she's interested. Interested does not mean things will necessarily go any farther. She knows that to meet a guy she wants she has to meet guys, and that's all you have at this point. A meeting. What you do next, what she does next, and luck play a part in what happens.</p>

<p>Personally I think odds are against it working out. You sound a bit like a deer in the headlights, you're not being your usual self. A little self-consciousness at first meeting, sure, but if it keeps up then forget about it. You already have so much invested in this you're going to be carrying on 2 conversations at once every time you see her; one with her, one with yourself asking "how am I doing?" "Why did I say that?" "What do I say next!!". Nobody can carry on 2 conversations at once and do well in either of them. </p>

<p>She's just a person. She worries about grades, if she has something on her teeth, and so on just like anyone else. If you put her on a pedestal it will be phony and not last very long, unless she's the kind of girl who likes seeing how many free dinners she can get out of wide-eyed boys. </p>

<p>The good news is it isn't lost yet. To answer (2) and (3) first, call now. You're on the cusp of waiting too long. Calling the next day after meeting someone is too desperate, but waiting 5 days is waiting too long. Before you call, think about your schedule. Offer 2 or 3 times to meet. Don't call with a dopey "whenever you want, I'll be there" concept in your head. She's looking for a guy, not a puppet. If the times don't work, then say you'll take a look at your schedule and get back to her in a day or so, ask her what might work at the end of the week with her so you can take a look at your schedule. Unless it's something simple, like you say 3pm and she says "I can't make it until 3:45"; if you're genuinely free then it's fine and you should have some flexibility, but hastily rearranging your entire schedule just makes you come across as desperate.</p>

<p>Back to (1). All you know about this girl right now is she's pretty. Have some confidence! Girls find confidence sexy. Confidence means that you'll meet her for that run, you'll talk to her and find out what interests you have in common, you're expecting her to show you she deserves to go out with a cool guy like you. And if this isn't really what you're feeling inside, fake it until it is! </p>

<p>Trust me, a pretty girl knows she can have guys drooling over her any time she wants. You don't want to be one of those toys. Confidence means going out there as your usual friendly self, not a guy willing to do or say anything to get this hot girl to pay attention to you. You know why guys who treat girls like dirt always have girls? Confidence. They have a swagger that says "you're lucky I'm even willing to talk to you" and girls like the masculine self-confidence and assertiveness. And while it doesn't work every time on every girl, they don't care; they're telling themselves "if this one doesn't like me, I'll meet another one just as good who will" and they project their confident attitude. I'm not saying be a jerk, I'm saying the opposite, but at least take away the confidence from what they do. </p>

<p>So you don't gush over how pretty she is, don't even mention it; she's seen herself in a mirror and knows what other girls look like compared to her. Compliment her on anything BUT her beauty; her stamina, her laugh, her dry sense of humor, whatever. Let her see you're not another guy panting for her because she's hot. To finish up on (1), you move past just running by finding out about her. Right now you know zip. That's why you don't know what to ask her to do other than running. Why not get to know her on a run, maybe even 2 runs? When you discover things you have in common, then its easy to invite her to do an activity you both like.</p>

<p>And I hope it goes without saying, but no attempts at touching / hugging/ kisses on that first run! Look at her eyes and face, not her top.</p>

4

<p>Wow, you approached her just based on eye contact? I didn't know that was enough to actually initiate a conversation. That was a bold move, and I applaud you. I wish I could do the same.</p>

5

<p>Woooohooo. First call lasted quite a while. Talked about random stuff. Set up running, study then coffee.</p>

<p>This stuff is not that difficult when you just get up the balls to doing so. BTW, mikemac, your post was totally right about the two conversations. But after we hung up, I felt MUCH more confidant and didn't second guess myself. </p>

<p>Further, the reason I think I felt (so) awkward was because she really was that pretty. I'm pretty good looking but not a Pitt-Jolie so it was a "Woah" experience.</p>

<p>Thanks again everyone.</p>

6

<p>Man this sounds stupid, but I need to be like you. Once I get talking its fine, but man getting that initial thing up to approach the girl is the one thing in life I suck at. Has been the bane of my existence for almost 18 years now.</p>

7

<p>congrats on making the call. I'm glad things worked out so well!</p>

<p>One caveat here is be careful of trying too much too quickly. I understand this is an awesome looking girl and you want to get to know her and spend time with her. But trying to get too familiar right away can come across as needy and clinging, like you're scared she'll get away if you don't start monopolizing her time. The reason I say this is you've already planned a run, studying, coffee, all at the same shot if I read your message right. Just one or two of these things would have been enough for a first meeting. The coffee, for example, could have waited until the study time; after an hour or whatever so you could have said "I'm done for the night; how about a cup of coffee", or maybe got the cup of coffee before studying for some energy.</p>

<p>My point is don't appear in too much of a rush. When you meet with her, don't try to plan your next meeting. Thank her for meeting with you, wearing your usual smile, say you'll give her a call. Let her wonder when you'll call and what you'll ask. The anticipation works for you, rushing to tie her up in your first meeting doesn't make a good impression.</p>

<p>Good luck, let us know how it goes!!!</p>

8

<p>Thanks again, Mike. I'll keep you guys posted. Today she brought up the possibility of me going with her to an art museum for her arthist class. So it's moving, but I need to make sure I don't rush it along because I have the propensity to do that type of thing. I also need to keep it as casual as possible.</p>

<p>Tisthetruth,</p>

<p>Truth be hold (haha), the eye contact and the crazy shy smilings happened for about 6.5 miles worth of running or about 29 laps/times. So it really may not have been that bold because there's NO WAY IN HELL a girl will return or offer a smile more than 10 times in that span of time. But for me, definitely it was brave!</p>

9

<p>The initial approach is the hardest thing. You did it. Good work. Now work on maintaining a romantic/flirty relationship so you don't get stuck in the bane of all men's existence-the friend zone (ominous music).</p>

<p>You are not shy. You are good. :)</p>

10

<p>Don't let her wonder when you'll call!! I absolutely hate that. Ask her when would be good for you to call or tell her a time when you're free and ask if you can call her then. I HATE waiting for guys to call me, it makes me so antsy and I start to get upset with them if they haven't called when they said they would especially. Just a chick's advice on that. </p>

<p>Good job on approaching her; I know how ridiculously hard that is. It's just as hard for girls as it is for guys, maybe even more so since girls aren't "supposed" to ask guys out.</p>

11

<p>Oh I'm so proud of you! I best guy friend is a huge flirt who all the girls love, but he NEVER has the balls to initiate conversation with a complete stranger. </p>

<p>This chick likes you so as long as your interesting, somewhat funny, flirty, and cute....I'm sure you'll get the girl.</p>

12

<p>AUlostchick I see where you're coming from, but don't you have a time-frame already in mind of when he'll call next if you've gone out with a guy once? That same day is too soon, 3 days is too long, right? So even if he doesn't say when he'll call don't you have a good idea of when he will? And you say you hate when a guy doesn't say when he's going to call next, but it did get you emotionally engaged didn't it? Still I will agree with you, if you set a time to call that's ok too. </p>

<p>And given the current situation where she's looking for company to the art museum, setting a time to call works. It's not about iron-clad rules or playing games, it's about flexibility with confidence. So if the art museum comes up (I'd let her raise it, though -- remember, don't ask her for another date on the 1st date) ask her for a few times that work for her to go to the museum, then promise to check your schedule and get back to her soon. "I'll call you tomorrow afternoon; what time is best for me to call?" And the art museum can be a great date, especially if you don't know a lot about art. Let her explain what to look for, something about the history of what you're seeing, and so on. Be your confident, smiling, happy self and just live in the moment.</p>

<p>My main point, though, is that in these initial stages of flirting to give her some room/time to enjoy it too without feeling rushed or overwhelmed! In general go on the date, then let things gel for 2-3 days before trying to plan the next thing. Don't try to go from a stop to 100mph right away. Asking a girl on the next date while on the first one really puts her on the spot, especially if she isn't interested or not sure yet. And it projects some insecurity, too, not as bad as a guy that always needs reassurance from his GF but it's along that road and may make her wary of becoming that GF. Even worse when calling someone who isn't your GF is the "so are you busy Saturday?" type question. When asking someone out, ask them to something specific at a given time or options of times.</p>

13

<p>Disappointing news from the home front, all. Just before the end of a 40 minute conversation (that just ended about 5 minutes ago) she dropped that there was already a boyfriend. But before you quit reading, there's a crapload more. </p>

<p>So I called to tell her that my class tomorrow was finishing at 1 and we could meet up at the library before heading to run. Then it flew around to different types of cars and how they handle rain (it was raining heavily today), my theory of how fishing explains life and her contrasting theory explaining how my theory was totally wrong, mutual experiences with swimming, academia in the US, Europe and India and comedy. It was riddiculous. When I found out she was crazy into comics and comedy in general I was smiling like a fish getting ready to be tossed back into the sea by it's gracious captor (cough, one part of the fish tales). At any rate, by this time several flirty type jokes have been exchanged, most unwittingly initiated by me. Something to the effect of "Yeah, it's pretty late considering you're planning on waking up at 4 tomorrow morning. You really should get to sleep." With her replying, "Yea, yea. As if you really want me to get off the phone" in that particular voice that most people know what I'm talking about. So we had several of those lines. Which made me feel pretty good.</p>

<p>But then we're talking about comics who we each should watch more and she recommends that I watch more Jim Gaffigan. While describing his hilarity, she notes how she held up the phone to her computer speakers so her boyfriend could hear it. I didn't really stumble. Maybe I'm reading way too much into this, but she noticeably PAUSES after saying boyfriend as if I'm supposed to question this. About 8 minutes before end time, we were talking about the amount of time it takes guys and girls, respectively, to get ready/change before/after working out. She was explaining her 40 minute post workout routine and the blow drying and all. I ask her what's the deal considering she's just heading home. Then she mentions that she was actually going to her boyfriend's house afterwards (today). I found this strikingly odd considering [god, I'm reading too much into this, but I'd really like to know whether or not to try for this or not so no bashing, por favor] after our run she said that she'd be home about 8:00 or not even one hour after she finished getting ready (takes an hour from campus to her neighborhood). </p>

<p>Dunno?</p>

<p>At any rate, I still don't understand why there's such flirting going on. In addition to the first day and the convo we had on the phone and while stretching...I dunno. She has some guy friends whose names she dropped while on the phone (current and past)-maybe in an attempt to distance herself from me in certain ways?</p>

<p>Yeah, alright, deconstruct this for me. Just take into consideration that I'm pretty sure she's not a psycho-pathological liar type or some slutty girl antsy for guy action. Thanks again.</p>

14

<p>
[quote]
I have had two girlfriends in high school but neither would be rated above a 5.5 (6 max) on most guys' scales-but believe me, I'm not merely a looks person.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Well, you sure convinced me by rating your ex's. :p</p>

<p>You know, what I've seen a lot is that often, guys mistakenly think girls like them just because they were nice to them or whatnot. I've heard girls complain to me about this. What I would say is, if she has a boyfriend, she has a boyfriend. You can't do anything with her while she has a boyfriend (unless you don't really care about ethics). Even if she is interested in you and wants to break up with her current boyfriend that's her decision to make, so in the meantime you can't really do much. I've met a few girls who tend to be a little "over-friendly" but that's just how they are. Just act natural and don't try too hard. She could end up as a good friend.</p>

15

<p>That's probably what it is. True, true. And about the ratings, it was necessary to justify the degree of anxiety I felt. But, I understand what you're saying. It's just that I would think most girls would be able to delineate between overfriendly and hintings. I have a good mix of guy and girl friends with some of the latter being of the "over friendly" variety. There may have been some gray areas but we knew the bounds. But yeah, thanks.</p>

16

<p>I have a lot of guy friends and I know what you mean about the "over friendly" variey. I can't even imagine dancing with some of my guy friends while I cuddle with others...but I don't have romantic feelings for any of them. </p>

<p>I would just continue on with this somewhat innocent friendship and see where it leads you. She could just be a flirty girl. Or she could be tired of her boyfriend and looking for a new guy. Or you two could be soulmates and she will leave her boyfriend to go and frolic with you on the beach. The possibilites are endless!</p>

17

<p>So I'm even more confused. We go for a 9 miler today. I had to leave while we were doing crunches because I was having my first meet with a student I would be SAT tutoring. So afterwards we planned to meet up in the library to study. As usual she takes her riddiculous amount of time to get ready and then we meet up. We start then her parents call and get ****ed because she stayed late previously (yesterday). Repeated mentions confirm that there is a boyfriend. So that bummed me out. But that didn't confuse me as much as the riddiculous amount of body contact/mannerisms. We had eye contact, then she would look down and smile shyly or she would brush up against me while running. The last piece was before she left and she was saying how sorry she was. Considering I have only known her since this past Friday I assumed we were on a wave hands bye-bye level. I guess we're actually into the close hugs and smart remarks from her about me really not wanting her to leave rather than be content with studying tomorrow.</p>

<p>Sketchy. I'm not emotionally invested much yet, but this girl seems pretty interested or ultra flirty. The latter seems less right because she doesn't have too many friends on campus-just me and two other people according to her.</p>

<p>And so, 5 days into it, I'm already confused.</p>

18

<p>I wouldn't think too much on the hug thing. I know in Hawaii it is almost rude NOT to hug someone when greeting someone, even a stranger. Some of my more "cultured" friends even give a kiss on the cheek.</p>

19

<p>True that. I guess...it's just my upbrining (Indian) that causes me to automatically think something of those kind of things. I was raised on the principle that kisses were reserved for aunties and uncles and of course for amma and appa. That's probably why I'm so lame today.</p>

20

<p>Um, yeah you're in kind of a sketch situation. I think she likes you...definitely as a friend...but she also likes you liking her. I know sometimes I'll lead a guy on (I'm sorry! I'm sorry...) because I just like that he's into me. It's wrong...but girls do it sometimes. I wouldn't give up hope, though; that might not be her. When she breaks up with her boyfriend (maybe soon? hopefully soon?), you'll be right there ;).</p>