Another Unnecessary Not quite Relationship Question

Student Lounge College Life
21

<p>The second theory is potentially right. The only thing that could offset it is the fact that for someone of her physical apperance (friends corroborated after I intro'd her to them) she chooses to spend time with me.</p>

<p>I also don't understand why she continues to spend about 3.5-4 hours with me each day (phone or working out).</p>

<p>At any rate, this definitely brings up valid questions like:
1)What's up with girls and playing RIDICULOUS mental games?
2)What's up with girls who don't follow sports AT ALL?
3)How to deal with girls who express interest yet are also involved?</p>

<p>Any other mass applicable questions this whole situation has raised?</p>

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<p>Each of those points is practically a thread on it's own!</p>

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<p>Hahahaha, amen. That's why (not to brag about the complexity of my situatin or anything) this thread is the paragon of male bafflement of females w.r.t. relationship formation. I dunno, with 6 hours of straight studying behind me it's this logic that keeps me from thinking anymore retarded thoughts.</p>

<p>But don't hesitate to add any mass applicable question brought up by this thread. =)</p>

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<p>With the new details you provided, I think this girl is behaving kinda lousy. Most girls who have a BF manage to casually work it into the conversation (eg. "My BF likes the Colts too") early on. Certainly by the time you were asking her to meet for a run she should have brought it up. And that "you want to talk to me, don't you? stuff? Sounds like she's thinking "you want this but I know you aren't going to get it!" So personally I don't like how she's acting. Why is she doing this? Maybe she likes flirting and being reassured how pretty she is by having guys always after her. Maybe she's thinking of breaking up with the current BF and is looking for a new guy who is interested. Don't know, and it doesn't really matter. The key point is right now she does have a BF.</p>

<p>What follows is just my opinion. You can be baffled and worry about it, try to figure out what various confusing and contradictory actions/words might mean. Or you can just forget about it and move on, which is what I advise. Let the future unfold as it will, while you wait with an curious but detached attitude. I'm not saying don't talk to her or spend time with her. It sounds like you have some things in common, and the 9 mile run? You just went farther than I have ever at one time in my life! But emotionally, move on.</p>

<p>Now this may seem easier said than done. But there's a trick, and you've probably already done it in sports. There are a lot of sports, for example, where you can hurt your performance by keeping your jaw clenched. Now coaches can watch you practice and remind you when you're doing it, teach you to check the tension in your jaw periodically, and so on. But they don't do that. There's a much simpler approach that solves the problem. They hand you a stick of gum; if you're chewing on gum you can't have a clenched jaw, simple as that. </p>

<p>The principle is called "incompatible behavior". And you can apply the same thing here. How? Start pursuing some other girls. Let's not lose sight of what you've done here. A week ago you felt nervous about approaching a pretty girl. But you did it, and it turned out ok. You were worried about calling her after meeting her, but you did that and were able to carry on a great conversation. So while the butterflies may not have disappeared, you have just seen it work and can do it again. </p>

<p>So go out around campus and make it your goal to approach 3 girls a week, girls who you would have been reluctant to talk to last week. Make it a real goal, as important to you as your workouts. There's no guarantee each girl will want to talk to you, some may have BF's, etc, but that's not the point. You just have to find one. And in the meantime while you're talking to these girls, calling ones you've met, etc. this first girl is not going to be filling all your thoughts. Incompatible behavior. As for the 1st girl, she better move fast is she wants to be going out with you, because a cool and confident guy like you isn't going to be around all that long. If you end up dating her, great; if not it's her loss, there's some other girl out there just as interesting and fun for you to be with.</p>

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<p>In defense of girls everywhere:
1) It's perfectly normal, and possible, to have purely platonic relationships with guys. If I ask a guy to hang out, talk to a guy, etc. I'm not necessarily flirting with him. Sometimes people can get confused; for example, earlier this semester, I went out to eat with a guy and it rapidly spiraled into a date that I had neither expected nor wanted.
2) Pretty girls are not always bombarded with guys. In fact, some of the prettiest girls I know do not get a lot of male attention. So don't assume that this girl is stringing you along in her line of suitors. Girls are people, too.
3) Kudos on approaching her. Give yourself credit where credit is due.</p>

<p>But I totally empathize with your disappointment. It sucks for now, but it sounds like you have the beginnings of a great friendship, which is nothing to sneeze at.</p>

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<p>looks like it's time for BF Destroyers</p>

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<p>To the OP:</p>

<p>Here's my suggestion. Next time you have eye contact, she looks down shyly and smiles, you grab her and make out with her. If she attempts to get away, hold on to her, and make sure you make out with her for at least 10 seconds. If your lips can melt her in 10 secs, you win. If not, you ain't never gonna get her to bed anyway.</p>

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<p>Here's some unconventional wisdom: start hitting on other women you find attractive, immediately. There are two reasons to do so: one, to a certain extent getting with a person you find attractive is a numbers game. two, and much more important, success with attractive women tends to have an inverse relationship to how much you care about succeeding with her. If you care a lot, as you clearly do, you are going to stumble and be self-conscious. Some women find this kind of behavior charming, but attractive women tend to get enough interest taken in them that it stops being charming and is just annoying. </p>

<p>There was a cognitive pyschologist who was afraid of talking to women, so he trained himself to do so by meeting as many women as he could in public places. At first he fell flat on his face, so to speak, but as he did it more, he cared less about the outcome, became much more self-assured, and he basically turned himself into a modern day Don Juan.</p>

<p>I am not advocating being careless or ignorant of a woman's feelings. Far from it. I am trying to help you get attached to a woman who has attracted you. But there are some counter-intuitive facts that some will find offensive. Women like men who seem to rise above caring too much. Women like men who are self-assured. And finally, and this will probably **** someone off, women like men who clearly have experience with other women.</p>

<p>I am now married, but prior to this, I finally figured out all these things. I stopped being the oversensitive caring guy that was too shy to take the first step. As a result, I could meet attractive women anywhere, on the street even, and get their numbers and get to know them. </p>

<p>People don't want these things to be so, but if you watch people rather than listen to them tell you what they think is right, you'll find that many of these things are true. Learn from my experience.</p>

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<p>Oh sorry, I didn't see your later post. Oh, this woman's wrapping you up in a lot of flirtatious hokum that really only apparently serves her narcissism. See the advice I just gave above. Multiply what I said by a thousand. You need to go out and find some other prospects. Keep this one on the back burner if you remain interested, but do not obsess. Stop thinking about her, except when it's convenient and fun for you to be with her. You will otherwise pour a lot time into this person's well of vanity. Pretty girls do this stuff a lot. I generally never had the patience for it. But it's a cliche of the pretty girl who has the harmless lapdog following her around adoring her being her friend and thinking that he might be getting somewhere when in fact she has eyes and butterflies for someone who isn't nearly as doting.</p>

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<p>Soo blow her off for another girl, fake or real and see if she gets hurt. Always works.</p>

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<p>No, don't blow her off for another girl. Get another girl and, so long as that isn't serious/exclusive, stay in contact with her. If she's got a boyfriend, she's unlikely to be hurt when you go out with another girl. But she's a lot more likely to be interested, if she knows you're attractive to other women.</p>

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<p>According to error-management theory in regards to evolution (thank me for reading The Economist), guys tend to overestimate their chances of being with a girl, because the benefits of approaching the girl outweigh the costs. If he tries and gets rejected, his feelings might be hurt, but that's the extent of the damage. On the other hand, if he doesn't try at all, he's guaranteed to lose a chance to procreate! Perhaps your brain works like this subconsciously. As for women, they tend to underestimate their chances because doing the opposite makes them more prone to raising a child alone. As I've said so many times before, you are simply a victim of nature.</p>

<p>Actually, if you aren't exaggerating the details, it sounds like she wants to cheat on her boyfriend with you.</p>

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<p>Very interesting 'tisthetruth. But I'll have to disagree that there's any evidence she wants to cheat on her boyfriend. Many women are hogs for attention, particularly younger ones that are good looking, and want to have their cake (their boyfriends) and eat it too (doting admirers, pets).</p>

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<p>Ever tried jungle juice? It should help you. Alot.</p>

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<p>Update:</p>

<p>After leaving a length voice mail on my phone last night about everything and nothing, we make plans to run this morning. I call her at around 11 to confirm for 12-2 and she says she'll totally be there-"looking forward to it". Then she calls back about 2 minutes later saying, "Actually...I was going to eat lunch with my boyfriend at 12 etc". So I went to class and was thinking something along the lines of: "what the hell?" and "does lunch with your boyfriend matter so little that you would forget it like that?" So each of the two thoughts presented one side of the good v. bad of pursuing the girl. </p>

<p>At any rate, I decided to take the advice of mikemac and the recently offered advice of bedhead and talk to someone other girls. I approached them with less tentativeness than with this girl (because hey, I've already done it) but actually with a bit of indifference during the conversation, as though there was nothing to lose. Basically I thought even if these don't work out at all I still have the option of pursuing something with the first chick.</p>

<p>I have a pretty cool convo with this girl while stretching who ends up running 2 miles with me afterwards. I didn't have my phone on me, but I give her my number. Double score because she's also attractive. Same level as the first girl. Then after this girl leaves, I do the eye contact thing with another girl while running. But I time my run so that I can shower and make it back for my riddiculously long Chem lab. Needless to say, I don't have 45 minutes or whatever to blow on delaying and building up some balls to go and talk to this girl. I head down and shower. I realize I'm getting pretty hungry so I walk over to the Smoothie King and behold the girl is there. We strike up a convo about something-I think it was about SKs new "Skinny" drink thing. At any rate, she ends up walking with me halfway to my class. Exchange of numbers. </p>

<p>A bit later (around 5:45 because my lab let out early today) the first girl I met today calls, "just to say hey". And we have a chill convo for 10 minutes. I was at a coffee shop with one of my friends and was about to ask her to come when she said she had to go home, but it was still cool.</p>

<p>Considering I haven't talked to the ORIGINAL girl (OG, haha) since she called back to tell me about her lunch plans, I'm feeling pretty good.</p>

<p>Thanks again about the advice to just approach people without anything to lose. The cognitive pyschologist story is pretty cool. That's what happened to me with piano. Despite winning so many competitions starting from 1st grade until this past semester, I've always been afraid of performing for small groups of people as opposed to large halls or a few judges. I guess how I torn down my shyness there is what I should be doing in this situation.</p>

<p>At any rate, I'll continue the updates. Muchos gracias.</p>

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<p>Wow, cool. That's great feedback. One other tip. It may be different when you're actually in school, but after awhile I realized a woman's taking my number instead of giving me hers was a polite blow-off. So if a woman won't give me her number, but offers to take my card, I refuse. I don't allow myself the delusion that she'll actually call and I don't want her thinking I am that easy. But in this case, giving your card worked. So kudos. Ultimately, there aren't rules, though I have only been called once or twice out of maybe a 100 times I've given cards. Keep practicing. That other one may well be after you in no time. And forget about her. She's a narcissist.</p>

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<p>Oh, sorry, I'm gonna get on my pedestal for one more lecture and then I'll stop. I want to be clear when I communicated indifference it wasn't suggesting you be too cool or unfriendly, but it was a more devil may care, "hey, this could be fun, but I am not hung up on it. I have other women who I am interested in and vice versa" air. Smile, be attentive and ask interested questions in them, but communicate a sense of rising above it. However, I am only adding this 'cause I am not sure it communicated clearly in what I said. And until you've said your committed phrases to a girl (which is a long time down the road), showing her that you're attractive to others in light, easy kind of ways tends to make her more interested.</p>

<p>Oh, and for instance, I think it's great you didn't ask the phone chick to go out with you and your friends, not yet. A good way to end that conversation, maybe a little bit before she was ready, would have been to say something to the effect, "hey it was great to hear from you. thanks a lot for calling. I'm keepin' my buds waiting, though, so can we talk later?" Subtle message: I like you, but I am not at your beckon call, and I've got friends who are important. Women can be jealous of your guy friends too, sometimes.</p>

<p>By the way, this is the right way to treat your friends too, no?</p>

<p>Okay, enough. Keep us posted.</p>

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<p>I'm the boyfriend, so you have to back off!</p>

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<p>Just kidding. But why do you still want to pursue her despite knowing that she already has a boyfriend? Do you really want to date a girl who would be flirtatious with other guys despite being in a relationship? Or do you think she's just pretending that she has a boyfriend in order to avoid you?</p>

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<p>To the OP, you seem to be pimping. ;)</p>