I think that the “care & feeding” of multiple friend groups is very tricky, but SUCH an important skill to have as we go through life! DD has learned how to manage this as she’s been so far from home, but it took some real effort. She left an all-girls’ K-12 private school, where all of the girls had been together since K and even earlier. So it’s hard to re-insert herself into something that’s still going without her! She has learned to stay in touch via Skype, aknowledge birthdays, and just continue to be present remotely.
Two strategies which have worked for her are 1) Invite yourself! Don’t wait for an invitation. Sometimes out of sight just means out of mind, not exclusion. Don’t feel like you’re not wanted. 2) Organize a group get-together early in the break. Take the initiative to make a plan and include everyone you’d like to see. If you do this early, other plans will feed off of that.
It’s not easy, but by the time everyone scatters and goes off to college these will be useful skills. In the meantime, the uncertainty of the social & family scene at home can be unsettling, as well as leaving BS friends behind.
Meanwhile, DD’s flight home from LAX was delayed by 5 hours (!) so I’ve been scrambling this morning trying to get her booked on another flight. Never a dull moment!
@SculptorDad – this is what my DD has observed with the third form girls in her dorm. One of the group starts to have a meltdown surrounding a specific happening (test, paper grade, upcoming assignment), and it spreads like wildfire amongst the group.
On a more serious note, the more I learn about the amount of kids with anxiety issues (one of mine included) and depression during high school, the more I wonder how we have gone wrong as a society. So many kids on medication now. Kids that should be happy, self-confident, and NOT stressed about school are now sad, fearful and stressed. I have seen kids spiral in both the BS and competitive public HS environments, as well as at my college where I teach. What is heart-breaking is that they seem to even start to lose their self-confidence.
In summary, what happened to your daughter is common, from what I have seen and heard. I know many kids in therapy at my kids’ school and at other BS.
Does anyone have specific advice on how to help our children with stress and depression? It’s tough to negotiate what is normal behavior and what needs special attention. Things are going well but this is a major concern of mine as a boarding parent, not being involved in the day to day leaves me guessing more than I like.
@jdewey I think the school’s counselors can be a helpful beginning point. They can help determine if they think the stress and depression is “true” depression and anxiety or situational and temporary. They will be able to either make a referral to a professional near campus if the former or if the latter, can be good at providing a listening ear and helpful advice and coping strategies. Both my kids had times of stress or being down during their 4 years at boarding school. Fortunately, they were temporary and having a trusted adult on campus to talk to and who knows the ins and outs specific to that school was really helpful. If needed, the counselor can also “run interference” with teachers and dorm faculty keeping them abreast of the situation so deadlines can be adjusted if needed and so that more adults can keep a watchful eye on and supportive role for particular students. I found the counselors to be much more useful in this role than advisors or dorm faculty due to their training and expertise and because, since it is their job, they had more time to focus vs faculty which are distracted by teaching, coaching, advising, dorm duty.
I do think vacations come at very timely intervals. A visit home and catching up on sleep can be very cathartic.
I’m not sure about your child’s school, but at my kids’ they were allowed to take a “mental health” break and catch up on sleep at the health center if it was something they really needed as long as it wasn’t abused.
But definitely, if you have any concerns about your child, do have them go visit the counselor. It is a very, very common thing to do. Better to be on the safe side and have a check-in with someone trained in what to look out for, IMO.
I’m not a therapist but here are 2 simple ideas to share with students that are a core feature of many theraputic programs:1. practice “mindfullness” ie stay in the present moment, tackle one thing at a time and break tasks down into smaller chunks: this helps kids to not become overwhelmed by the big picture (avoids “futuretripping”) 2. Breathe! You don’t need to be a yogi, just take slow deep breathes to calm yourself in the moment so you can relax and refocus.
People can not learn effectively when they are highly stressed because their “fight or flight” reaction shuts down the part of the brain normally devoted to absorbing information so anxiety can really interfere with school.
Significant changes in eating, sleeping or socializing patterns and/or avoiding work or friends, should raise a red flag and seeing a counselor is always wise at any time. “Rescuing” kids by removing or eliminating the sources of stress should probably not be your first action as kids best learn to manage stress by overcoming challenges and building confidence in their capabilities. Clinical anxiety is considered to be highly treatable but it will worsen if left untreated.
