<p>Hi
My son is an anxiety prone boy who doesn't transition well. He had a major setback in Freshman year of high school and ended up having to repeat the year, as he became so sick he could barely attend. He worked hard with a therapist and did some meds, but time is what ultimately healed. Now he is going off to a college only about 20 minutes from us, but is exhibiting all kinds of physical symptoms. He can't sleep, has to get up to pee several times a night, needs to drink a ton of water (he had a complete physical and was tested negatively for diabetes), yet he still is complaining. Headaches as well. I have tried to discuss the fact that stress plays a major role in those symptoms and that he is about to undergo a big life change. He is in complete denial that any of his symptoms have to do with stress, as he said he is "ready" to go to college (even though he hasn't done one thing to prepare or even contact his new room mates)
I don't know what to do or say to calm him down if he won't address what I know are the common fears of every incoming freshman.
any advice?</p>
<p>=/ Sounds like he needs to work more with a therapist or counselor. If he can’t get over this transition, what’s he going to be like in four years transitioning to grad/professional school or to a career? Was he diagnosed with an anxiety disorder the last time? There are ways to work through some moderate psychological disorders, but only someone with a degree in psychology could tell you what those ways are, what would work best for the individual.</p>
<p>I really wish I could be of more help, but even after I graduate with my B.S. in Psychology this year, I still won’t be able to properly give diagnosis of situations such as this. With my limited knowledge, though, it sounds like he may have an anxiety disorder.</p>
<p>if is he is in denial, then he is not likely to want to see a therapist, or to direct things to reduce anxiety(like contacting his roommates, etc)</p>
<p>I would suggest instead some generic “healthy living” things that can reduce anxiety - exercise, healthy eating, diverting activities, that sort of thing.</p>
<p>Is there a face-saving (for him) way to ask if he would like to delay his year, or live at home? (sometimes this relieves pressure, even if the person is still going, so I am not necessarily suggesting these things) Or to ask if he needs medication again or would like to see a therapist?</p>
<p>If he had an anxiety disorder during Freshman year of high school, I think you could anticipate the same thing happening during this even bigger transition. But he will get stronger.</p>
<p>I would also suggest driving to campus very frequently with him, and perhaps getting him introduced to a dean or therapist at the college, whom he could connect with before even getting on campus. You could also assure him that he can come home anytime, or even commute some days, and that you and home will be there for him.</p>
<p>There are many, many kids who react this way to this transition. My daughter watched helplessly as one of her dorm mates unpacked, got very upset, and then took all her stuff home. She did return the next year. Our daughter’s roommate this past year had an extreme anxiety disorder, and got a lot of help from the college to make it through. She also had some help with housing/roommate situations.</p>
<p>Have you talked with the college disability office of health office?</p>
<p>I would emphasize w/him that life is flexible. It is truly his choice whether to go, now, and whether he lives there. If he feels as if he cannot go, at the last minute, give him the feeling that that is okay, not that he failed, and go from there. If he does go, he will need support from you and from the school.</p>
<p>This whole jump a cliff at 18 to independence at college thing only fits a minority of students.</p>
<p>2005hope- please know first of all that you are not the only mother that has had these worries! My middle son is very similar- he will be a junior in college. It has not been easy for him (or us), but he has made baby steps toward finding a balance, and that is all we can ask for. The only advice I can offer is to be there for him- to let him know he has the unconditional love and support of his family. There is so much to deal with socially, (especially the drinking and hook-up culture that is so pervasive at even the best colleges), for one with anxiety it can seem truly overwhelming. We tried to convince our son to go to counseling while at college to no avail. He has been seeing someone at home over this summer, and hopefully this year will be a little less stressful from the start. The little things mean alot- for example, last year we dropped him off on a Saturday. Big mistake- the majority of students were looking forward to major partying. My husband overheard kids talking about this party, keg, ect. as he was looking at my son happily holding his six-pack of cream soda! That first night was horrible, the partying in his “health and wellness” dorm was going full force, and he just wanted to go home with us. Everything started off on the wrong foot. My two other sons would have been fine, they would have bounced right back. However, if one has trouble with change, these little things can seem monumental. Some people have the “get over it” mentality toward these kids, but to them, the stress is very real. This year, we are dropping him off late on Sunday, and he already has plans to meet a friend for dinner, and probably a little “reunion” of his couple of friends from the last two years. So, you can see that little things can make a huge difference. I read your post to my husband (who has the “anxiety genes” in our house :)), and he also said to try your best to not to bring him early, as no matter what, to a person with anxiety, this is a stressful event, and the less time one has to worry, the better! Remember that there are others who also have the same worries, and we are all just trying our best. Best of luck to you and your son!</p>
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<p>Why isn’t he living at home if school is so close? That would appear to be a way for him to transition into school. Of course, it didn’t seem to help with his freshman year at high school - but the worst thing would be to delay his start. At some point he needs to ride the chairlift up the mountain and delaying it a year would only serve to put him one year behind with nothing to show for it. </p>
<p>Best of luck.</p>
<p>Does your son know anyone else at the college? an uppperclassman? Make sure he has plans for that first night. If they don’t have some type of structured program at the college, I would definitely plan on having dinner with him (and see if you can arrange to meet someone that is already a student there…). Or, have someone from that college come over for dinner. Just knowing there is one person there that you can smile and nod at can be huge! Suggest that since his roomate hasn’t contacted him, perhaps he is shy/nervous too. My son never contacted roomates before his summer residential programs. Lots of kids are either shy or not good at initiating a conversation even via email. I would sit down with him and help him craft a “hey, looks like we are roomates. I am bringing a microwave, yada yada…you want to rent a fridge … yada yada…I am from…I am majoring in…” Forget this stuff about kids doing everything for themselves…this is a huge hurdle for your son so you have to help him out. Good luck!</p>
<p>S has Asperger’s and as a result, he has had social anxieties and difficulties with transitions all his life. Fortunately, his anxieties do not make him physically sick, but I have also spent a great deal of time trying to prepare him for each new experience as he was growing up. As a result, he has developed fairly good coping skills so that he does not feel as anxious when he faces new experiences. And, to all of our surprise, when college selection time rolled around, he ended up choosing a college 1500 miles away! For financial reasons, our first visit was after he was accepted, but I made sure that we planned sufficient time for him to get to know his campus better before he actually started classes. We spent a few extra days visiting and exploring the campus and surrounding city when we went back for orientation in the summer, and when he moved in, we went out a day early and did much of our shopping after we arrived and located the local pharmacy, grocery store, Target, ATM machines on campus, the bookstore where he purchased his books, the office where he needed to turn in forms for work study, checked out the hours of service for the fitness center, etc. We also spent time discussing different groups or activities he might be interested in joining so that by the time he started school he had already started to form some concrete ideas on what his life at college would be like. I made sure that S also had a planner and a large desk calendar that he could use for not only keeping track of school assignments but also to note his work study hrs, social activities, study groups, times to work out; I think just the process of us buying a planner and calendar gave us additional opportunities to discuss specific things he could do at college to help him develop friendships. </p>
<p>Because of his Asperger’s, my S benefits when he is able to develop more concrete (but realistic) plans or expectations whenever he faces new situations; however, this may also benefit others with more general anxieties. Even though your S’s school is very close to your home, and he may have already attended an orientation, how familiar and comfortable is he with the campus-does he know how to find the dining hall, bookstore, library, or buildings where his classes will be? Does he have any specific ideas on what kinds of EC’s he might like to become involved in? Perhaps another visit before he actually moves in could help lessen some of the anxiety relating to adjusting to new surroundings, by allowing him to really start to “picture” himself living and attending classes at this school and may provide a more natural way for hiim to discuss his thoughts or concerns or expections of what is coming up…once he starts feeling more connected with the school, he may become more enthusiastic about preparing/packing for college, contacting his roommate even if just a short message to introduce himself…</p>
<p>You might also pick him up a copy of the book, “The Naked Roommate”–it’s a lighthearted look at college life but does discuss a lot of stressful situations and issues students will encounter!</p>
<p>Many students live at home during college for a whole boatload of reasons. Maybe that is what your son would prefer but doesn’t know how to tell you.</p>
<p>Since you are only 20 minutes away, I would get him over to the college a couple times each day so he can become extremely familiar with the campus and hopefully feel more comfortable. You may need to step in and set up a meeting with his roommates so he will have a couple of familiar faces the first day.</p>
<p>Anxiety can be so hard to grapple with! This week I drove to Seattle–a city I’ve never been to before–to look at apartments all over the city. With one wrong turn, my Google Maps print out was rendered useless and I drove around aimlessly, trying to figure out where the heck I was as panic welled up. Later that day I bought a street map. After that I still got lost, but I was able to pull into a gas station or parking lot and figure out where I was and where I needed to go.</p>
<p>If you can give you kid a “road map” for college, he’ll feel better. A literal map of the area wouldn’t hurt, but also “If you’re feeling sick, the health center is here. Oh look, there’s the tutoring center, that’ll be handy if you need help with homework. Let’s look at the laundry machines, I wonder how much money they cost?” Basically, build up as much familiarity with the campus/college experience as you can so it’s no longer “alien place away from home” but instead is “my new home”. Also, if you talk about how you’d like him to come home some weekend soon and share his college stories, find out how his professors are, etc, it will give him an excuse to visit home without losing face.</p>
<p>Best of luck! This is a hard transition for kids.</p>
<p>Ditto most of the suggestions. As parent of child with anxiety disorder and Aspergers, we make sure he knows the “script” for every new situation he is in. Maps and schedules are indispensable. He’s getting too old for us to do “walk throughs” any more - but we use maps at home to locate classes, etc. Giving him a game plan for the first day or two might be helpful.</p>