<p>I posted last year about by anxious D starting her freshman year at an OOS state university. She is back to school in off-campus housing with 2 friends from last year. The drama has already started with one of her friends, who is very needy/possessive. Tension was building over the summer with my D concerned about the volatile nature of her friend's personality, i.e. explosive temper. Lease has been signed, D called upset and wants out of apartment, due to to shouting match late last night. I held firm and told her that she had to stay unless someone is found to take over the lease.</p>
<p>As a parent of an anxious child, how do you handle the tearful phone calls?? I try to stay calm, but after she hangs up I'm in knots for days until I hear from her again. I try to encourage her to exercise, go to church, get involved in other activities that do not include this friend. D is probably over it by now and I'm awake much of the night worrying about her.</p>
<p>Would love to hear any advice/similar stories to help me get through this once again!</p>
<p>FYI: D is on meds for anxiety/depression since 4th grade, sees therapist, if needed, and MD on breaks at home. </p>
<p>I get those calls a lot from a D with a similar background of anxiety and depression, and it’s been my experience (and that of others on CC), that just as your toddler D would scrape her knee and be fine until you walked in, at which point she would burst into tears, your college kid saves up all her unhappiness and frustrations to vent on you, because she can let down her guard with you and be assured of a loving response. Just because she sounds miserable on the phone, don’t assume she’s going through the day that way. While you’re in knots for days, she’s moved on. I offer a sympathetic ear, only occasionally some advice (because it’s really not what she wants to hear), and then move on to discuss the latest antics of the pets or the awfulness of my current book club selection, rather than encouraging her to wallow in her misery. If she persists in the self pity after what I feel to be a reasonable amount of venting, I find a reason to end the call, because continuing does neither of us any good. Much as I’d love to, I can’t solve her life, and it’s a continuing effort to make myself feel okay that I can’t. I’ve done my best, and I have to be content with that.</p>
<p>Call it self preservation, but I have a whinny son. He was whinny as a toddler, he’s whinny as an adult. He can be morose, too, when he was 5-6-7-ish we used to call him “our little existentialist.” I’m with MommaJ…I listen briefly, offer a suggestion, change the conversation and then forget about the phone call. I often remark to my husband that I get the “worst” of this son while everyone else gets the funny, happy side. It’s just his personality. I can’t wait to see what kind of woman he marries! If you can’t separate yourself from her issues, then I would suggest talking to someone to learn some coping mechanisms for yourself for self preservation.</p>
<p>Would it be helpful for her to see a counselor at school? Or if not a therapist through her university, one in that city/town? This may be helpful during times of extreme stress, like the first month or two of a new year or after some other big change in her routine. Hugs to you.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your replies!! As usual, they are “spot on”. MommaJ - Good idea to change the focus of the conversation and talk about our pet antics here at home and not continue to repeat the “I can’t handle it” conversation over and over. Momofthreeboys - I think it would be a good idea for me to “tune up” my coping mechanisms, as it is difficult to separate from her during these episodes. Madbean - Thankfully, she has a therapist lined up in the area from last year, and is planning to see her this week. </p>
<p>It is always a comfort to hear from those that have gone through this before, thanks again.</p>
<p>Agree with other posters that D is going to save all the negative stuff for you. I think the hardest thing for mothers is letting go of the idea that it’s our job to fix our kids’ problems. It may help you to visualize how you would feel if you were hearing the same story from someone other than your child – a parent or a friend – would you think they were incapable of handling the problem? You need to have the same faith that of course your D is competent and able to handle this problem. She can work through the situation herself or with her therapist, and learn from doing so. Your job is just to be the cheerleader – you may give a constructive suggestion or else just be a sympathetic ear and offer some reassurance - and then change the subject as MommaJ and momofthreeboys so wisely suggested.</p>
<p>CIEE83 ~
You’re right, I definitely need to have more faith that my D will work through this on her own, difficult for me, but very necessary for her emotional growth and maturity.</p>
If the D is prone to anxiety, I would guide her not to get into a situation where she would be more anxious. It is not normal for a roommate to be screaming or be that volatile. I don’t think it is productive to tell a person like the D to just deal with it. For other students it may be the right answer, but for someone who is on meds for anxiety, it is not a good situation. If it continues, I would help her to move out, maybe getting a single or just with one other roommate. It may cost OP more money, but I would think her D’s mental health and her ability to focus on schoolwork would come first.</p>
<p>For next year, talk to the Residential Services to see if they will give her a single room back on campus. They will often reserve a single for a student with medical needs and since she is on meds for a condition, I think this would count. I think the apartment was probably a bad idea to begin with - it’s just more complicated than life in the dorms and there is no RA to help work out issues. For many kids moving off campus is great, but it is not for everyone…</p>
<p>Maybe someone commented on this already but…in what way is the screamer roommate your DTR’s friend? or are you using the label “Friend” loosely?</p>
<p>I think girl drama is sometimes here today gone tomorrow… They tend to call mom right away and are all upset. Usually by morning things are better and they forget to let us know! </p>
<p>I do think you are right in offering comfort then changing the subject. And you have given her lots of good outlets, to get away from the stress. If the problems seem to continue do as you suggested and encourage her to look for someone to take her spot on the lease.</p>
<p>When I get a phone call from my kid and she has bad, sad, or upsetting news I ask, “do you want some feedback or do you just want me to listen?" </p>
<p>If she says just listen, I do but I don’t allow myself to get too worked up because I know, “just listen” is code for venting and needing a safe place to put her emotions. She too knows it’ll all be over soon but wants to purge. </p>
<p>“Give me feedback” means listen more closely because this is something where I need help, support, or clarification.</p>
<p>Listening to their struggles and just sitting still with it can be very difficult but I guess that’s how they grow up too.</p>
<p>This is a girl who has been on meds for anxiety and depression since 4th grade. She is not your average whining son or daughter in college. Kids grow up at different pace, there is no one size fits all. I think because the D is prone to anxiety, OP needs to give a bit more support here. This is not a situation of sink or swim.</p>
<p>This student obviously needs a bit of extra support…but extra support in the direction of making her realize that she CAN get through things that are uncomfortable for her. Her seeing a good therapist is a first step; she needs to be working with a therapist who can help her develop coping strategies and positive behaviors to deal with these kinds of situations.</p>
<p>What is she going to do down the road in work situations? She won’t be in a position to bail out of every situation where there is stress or discomfort.</p>
<p>She is going to need to know her limitations and anticipate stressful situations. She clearly made a mistake by picking a roommate who was volatile, lessons learned. OP needs to assess if it is better for her D to live with it for a year or help her out of a bad situation.</p>