My child has suffered form depression anxiety since freshman year. Treated since sophomore year. Now a senior - I am confident we will make it to graduation, but this has been and continues to be tough on my husband and me. While my student now has a counselor in the college town, who seems to be a good match, I am still a primary source of support. This means lots of calls, occasional visits (3 hour drive), and worry about the next call. At this point, we are committed to getting through to the end of senior year, so this may mean not a lot changing in terms of the support I provide. I am looking for advice/help for me and my husband to help us make it through, while we help our child.
Why yes I do: http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/2007642-students-with-anxiety-choosing-a-college-p1.html
My DD has anxiety…and that support was one reason she limited her colleges to 1-2 hours away.
Obviously, make sure she is evaluated by a counselor/ and possibly psychiatrist for any medications she may be prescribed.
As she is getting older, I would suggest pushing back more…
Like my DD was having trouble in a class. So I suggested getting a tutor. I can’t get her a tutor myself. She has to do it. But anxiety prevented her from going to the tutoring office. But she figured out that taking a friend with her would help…so she did and now she has no problem.
So if they call with a problem…instead of solving it, start asking what they could do…what else they could try…is there someone they feel comfortable with that could help them…what swoudl they say to a friend that had this problem.
Sometimes you just “oh, that sounds awful” without fixing it…see if they can come up with ideas or just be a sounding board.
“Oh wow…what do you think you could do?”
Sometimes I remind her when she is having anxiety about something that this is just the “anxiety monster” talking…you need to ignore him !
Ask her “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?”
Also don’t be afraid to say “no” to help if it is a minor thing…like my daughter seems not to be on top of ordering her meds. It affects her if she misses some because she can feel it. So if she didn’t order in time and needs to go to the pharmacy, then I say “You can take a cab, i will pay for it, but you need to be on top of this.” So I support, but do not solve the problem for them. Once they do it, they try to avoid being in the situation again.
OP – well done. This is difficult and you’ve done very well.
Hugs, OP. It IS hard.
Our D is in Italy for the semester. She’s been doing pretty well. She made all the arrangements to travel during fall break - she’s supposed to fly to Spain, where she studied in high school, and then on to Beirut, to visit her older brother. She started stressing out about the trip a couple of weeks ago. “What if I miss a flight or train?? There are SO many of them!” When I tried to reassure her, she said, “I don’t know if the anxiety is worth it…” I hope she doesn’t cancel some or all of her plans, because she’s already paid for everything (and we even chipped in for some of the cost).
She was due to Skype with her counselor this morning - I sure hope the conversation went well.
Main advice - contact your state chapter of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and sign up for their free, 12-week “Family to Family” class - it’s offered in a LOT of towns all over the US. This class is most often described as “life saving” by its participants. You’ll learn lots about anxiety and depression, including strategies and tips for dealing with your child’s challenges. I can’t stress enough how helpful this class is. It helped me so much that I have now gone through training to teach it myself. 
Thanks to all of you. I just checked NAMI, and will follow up with them, but missed this fall’s 12 week class. That sounds like it might be a real help. Looks like they also have a sort of family support group - I may look into that. I am feeling like I have made some mistakes and have shouldered some things that my child probably/maybe could have handled, but feeling like since we are so far along, it doesn’t make sense to try to make major changes in how we relate now.
What happens in May? Why would the situation improve then-is it solely school related? It would seem a good time to discuss post graduation outcomes, particularly if she will need to be near you for continued support. Perhaps a plan now, for June, will help everyone’s anxiety.
Thanks. We think/hope that much of the acute problem relates to the current campus and a really rough start there (semester abroad went great and my role was greatly reduced!). Plans for a one year service commitment after graduation are coming together and are taking some pressure off everyone. Your post did get me thinking about how/when/whether to breach certain subjects and how much mental energy I spend on just those thoughts.
My daughter is a freshman at a school 8 hours away and this is starting to happen with her as well. She is missing us, feels lonely, and is really stressing over school because she’s a perfectionist and feels she has to get A+ in everything. At first it was just once every 10 days, but the last few days it’s been every day I receive a call from her being upset. It’s starting to take a toll on me, because of course it’s hard to hear your child is upset and you are not there to hug and be there for them. I have anxiety myself so this is really affecting me, my moods directly correspond to hers. I did tell her I was concerned and that if it kept up I was going to insist she see a counselor. I have no advice but honestly it feels good just knowing I’m not alone and talking about it here helps. Good luck to you and your child.
I am pretty sure I haven’t handled this well, but it’s hard to know when to just listen, when to push back a little, and when to go in for the rescue. My daughter’s senior year was nothing short of hellish. She not only battled anxiety and depression, but also a major health crisis that involved multiple surgeries and a lot of follow up appointments. We had moved 4 hours away (used to be only 40 minutes) from her school, and I went down almost every week of the spring semester, sleeping on an air mattress on her floor to take care of her. She did graduate and after taking a year off, went to grad school. After a month there, she realized that she was not going to be healthy if she stayed, so she made the decision to withdraw. I know this was the right decision!
My son has also battled depression for most of his college career. Like @Beenthere22 's kid, he’s a senior and we just want to help him make it to graduation. He’s a plane ride away. If I had known half of what I know now when he was applying to college, we would have steered him in a very different direction. I know all too well that anxious dread when his number appears on the caller ID and I don’t know if he’s calling because he feels good or because he feels terrible.
One thing a very good therapist taught me, though, was not to go into the black hole with them. Their crisis isn’t your crisis. In order to help them, you have to rise above it. One way to do this is to ask gentle questions rather than trying to give solutions.