<p>I was reading the Preparing to Say Good bye Thread, and am going through some of that myself, but am more concerned about my D who, surprisingly seems melancholy about going. Oh, she's excited about school, but there is an undercurrent of sadness that worries me. This is a kid who could never wait to leave for camp, go away to see or be with friends, and is about to start a great, exciting school.</p>
<p>It seems to relate to end of her "youth" and phase of her young life; who she is, being an adult; parting with a serious boyfriend: all things I tell her are part of this phase of life.</p>
<p>There are other complicating factors: recently her mother and I got divorced and she has unresolved(able) problems with her Mom, and these add to the sadness, perhaps give her concern about whether/what there is to come home to or root her in, during this new unstructured, challenging phase.</p>
<p>I hope it won't and don't want it to color or effect her new beginning. I'm hoping that the excitement of school and the new patterns of life she will have there will supplant these untethered feelings she is having, but am not sure what to do to help.</p>
<p>I believe many kids are ambivalent & have some sadness about leaving the familiar & heading off for college. Most schools expect this to some degree & the ones I've been impressed with describe the efforts their schools make to engage freshmen in new activities. Several of them have themed housing to help students have a common focus that gives them a place to start their new friendships.</p>
<p>If you believe your child is feeling more than this (which can be possible, especially in light of the recent divorce), perhaps you could offer her counseling with a professional and/or speak with her HS counselor & ask what s/he recommends.</p>
<p>My best friend mourned for quite a while after her parents divorce, which also occurred when she was heading for college. It took her quite a while to resolve things for herself & with each parent, but it did work itself out. I believe she may have sought & received some counseling to help her through the toughest parts.</p>
<p>
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It seems to relate to end of her "youth" and phase of her young life; who she is, being an adult
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The "life passage" aspect of this separation is what hit me the most; I think it's the rare teenager--with their still-intact sense of immortality--who is so conscious of such things, though.
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parting with a serious boyfriend
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Now that's a very different kettle of fish. I remember that sadness well.</p>
<p>My son's definitely not sad, but he sure is hugging the dog a lot and also tolerating a lot of kisses on the side of the head from his mother when she comes up behind him while he's on the computer in his room in the evening!</p>
<p>My son will be leaving in two weeks. Just yesterday he commented that while he was looking forward to college, he was a bit sad to leave, too. He said, "I'm going to miss my FRIENDS," giving friends a special emphasis and flashing an impish grin at me. But I know he will miss me, too--well, at least my cooking. I will be making all his favorite dinners next week. :-)</p>
<p>mhc48, my son is a bit the same way. I'm chalking it off to a sadness to be leaving a group of really good friends from high school, and some anxiety about being in a new place without the safety net of his old friends. I think he'll be fine once he arrives at school - but the anticipation can be hard. (By the way, he's headed to the same school as your daughter, and is very excited to be going there).</p>
<p>mhc48, My D is exited but has the sad times too. </p>
<p>Last night she had a good cry over saying goodbye to her closest male friend who leaves town today. He was not a BF, but just as hard to leave-- he's a "cool guy" who befriended her when she was pretty geeky and has remained her loyal friend for years... amidst the maelstrom of catty girl relationships, bad BFs, & family squabbles. Any former geeks out there know how important such a friend is in HS.</p>
<p>Our kids are leaping off into the void and they know some of their friendships will not survive distance & separation. Things they value deeply are endling, before the good new things are officially beginning. They are stuck in between the end of HS and the beginning of College temporarily.</p>
<p>Just keep reiterating that the whole picture will feel solid again once she has her college bearings and is making new and wonderful friendships there.</p>
<p>I think that the process of saying good-bye to each high school friend may be the most difficult as each one is such a stark reminder that one phase of their life is winding down to replaced by what can only be viewed as the great unknown.</p>
<p>Seems to me that all we can do as parents is communicate how much fun college is and how excited we are that our kids are ready for it.</p>
<p>The ability today, to have done overnights, e-mail roommates, and generally engage with college beforehand is a huge plus, IMO.</p>
<p>My daughter was living/working away from home right up until just days before she left for college, so the transition had been going on for a couple of months. I think she kept herself pretty busy with her "packing list". Plus, she was really enthusiastic about the college she had chosen, so that helped.</p>
<p>I think the experience of having spent several summers away from home at programs helps tremendously, too. I know it has made my son much more confident in his ability to handle college life. After all, he's spent the last four summers at various colleges, at least for three or four weeks at a time. Who am I to tell him how very different this is going to be?</p>
<p>I AM toying with the advisability of letting him know that he can always come home any time for any reason for any length of time. I think he already knows that, but shouldn't it be explciitly said once?</p>
<p>My D has a large group of friends, incluing BF, who attend the close by local university- many are older than her and she enjoyed hanging with them during her senior year- she applied to that school as a safety, but won't be going there....this week she is sad about that as she has just said good-bye to all of them and envies them their fun times together and she knows just how much fun they do have.</p>
<p>D has also stated she would like to do 13th grade with all the same people, because she had such a great time.</p>
<p>D is attending one of the biggie flagship Us and is excited, but not as excited as she is overwhelmed with the significance of all the changes at this point in her life. Very deep thoughts this week- especially as she just traveled to G'rents house in the town where she grew-up and is supposed to be seeing all her old friends before they move on- now that she arrived (15+ hour drive) she wishes she'd stayed here with the current friends, 3 days at Gma's would have been fine. Tell that to the driver!!</p>
<p>This time last year I didn't feel ready to go to college. I was excited and looking forward to it on the one hand, but I was also closer to my high school friends than I had ever been before, was having a great summer, and was reluctant to leave the friends I knew for a place where I would have to make new friends. </p>
<p>All of my friends felt pretty much the same way, btw. None of them were very eager to go to college.</p>
<p>And now? I can't wait to go back. 20 more days home... that's 1740268719 milliseconds :)</p>
<p>I would definenetly suggest offering yuour daighter professional counseling if she would like it. When my parents got their divorce it was incredibly hard on me, and I definenelt did not want to weigh down my already struggling parents or my caring but not quite completely understanding(because they had never been in the situation) friends. A professional helped me through this period so much. It does take time. I went for almost a year before I finally quit going.</p>
<p>I'd be a lot more excited to leave for college if it didn't mean leaving my mom all alone. It's been just the two of us since I was six, and I'm pretty worried that she'll be lonely when I'm gone. She's had children at home for the last 38 years (yes, there are 20 years between me and my brother), and her life has been pretty much devoted to us. I'm the last to leave...so I hope it's not too hard for her.</p>
<p>That's very sweet of you, but I'll bet that all it would take to make her far more happy and excited for you than sad for herself would be a call or two each week sharing the excitement and joys of your new life. I know I'd be incredibly happy with that. If you do it freely, then she'll know you still want to be in touch with her, and that should mean a lot.</p>
I have been having a different, but related, thought. I think they perhaps need to be reminded that we are still HOME for them, throughout their college years. I wonder if sometimes they might not feel that part of their moving on and becoming independent means they're not supposed to need us and they are just a visitor from now on. Might this not make them feel a little cast-away and without an anchor? Like mhc48 says, feeling like they don't know "whether/what to come home to and to root in." And, if they feel they're not <em>supposed</em> to need us, this could certainly add to the separation anxiety and sadness. </p>
<p>So, I too am planning to remind him, explicitly like you say, that we are still HOME. Although I won't be going with the "any length of time" component :o; don't want my 45-year old S still tossing his dirty laundry on the floor.</p>
<p>To the OP - nothing wrong with sadness, you know. It is an emotion we can't protect them from. And it is a natural reaction for them right now. But I feel your worry, especially with the recent complications in your and her life. Your sensitivity to her feelings seems so strong and genuine that perhaps you are all the help and support she needs. But, if you do feel that it is a little more than sadness, counseling might be in order. She does have double or triple to deal with than some of our S/D's (with the college/leave home <em>plus</em> leave BF <em>plus</em> the big change in family dynamic).</p>
<p>My mother used to tell me--usually in the context of a lecture, but not always--that she would consider herself a success as a parent when I didn't need her anymore. This <em>always</em> made me cry, because it seemed so sad, but I know exactly what she meant now. She also let me know, when I was older, that no matter what ever happened in my life, I could come home to her (Dad was in on both these concepts too, btw.) The one time I did come home after college, they welcomed me but made me pay a modest room and board. It definitely helped in completing the gentle kicking out of the nest.</p>
<p>A month ago, D's angst showed, when she said, "Mom, what am I going to do without you?" As time gets closer, she is separating better, and is giving me advice on what to do with my life. She wants me to do more things, etc., so I won't be lonely. So, she is looking forward, and although a bit anxious, she is also excited. However, she and her friends have made plans to visit each other at their respective campuses. So she sees a separation, but not a break.</p>
<p>jmmom--For us, I guess it DOES have to be explicit since we're staying in the house for only his freshman year and then selling everything to live in an RV! We're stayng a year just for him--so he WILL have a place to call home that long. After that we need to make sure he understands that we will MAKE him a place somewhere as long as he needs it. (If that seems odd to you, think of this: my parents were gone the morning after I graduated from high school! They left South FL for the mountains the next day!)</p>