Please remember that evangelical, which has come to be shorthand for other things, doesn’t actually mean fundamentalist or being ugly toward gay people. I am evangelical. My denomination is as liberal as it gets on the issue of gay rights and has been for decades. In some denominations, evangelical just means spreading the Word through actions taken in love.
@skieurope Feel like your post kind of tries to invalidate what my son experienced. IMO, its helpful to deal with things that actually happen rather than sweep under the rug.
The poster asked for moms of gay sons to report about their experience of son choosing housing. I am a mom of a gay son. I answered honestly about what happened to him. This happened, not going to pretend it didn’t, nor blame my son for reporting it or speaking up to the person/ calling it out when it did happen.
Can you imagine someone calling up a roommate and saying to a black student “I can’t room with you bc my parents don’t want me rooming with any black people- we don’t associate with black people.” My son had every right to tell the student (who is in Wharton to study business and a coca-cola scholar working with marginalized groups) that it was literally housing discrimination and illegal in Philadelphia… So if he plans on being in business and working with marginalized groups, its not good practice to blatantly discriminate. (At least make something up, rather than try and make someone feel inferior and harm them due to innate sexual orientation that is protected by law at least in Philly). There isn’t a “I’m A Christian” exemption from fair housing laws.
As to hate mongering outside preachers that come on campus, unfortunately lgbt are the only class of people they are attacking on campus…there haven’t been any racist preachers spewing racism or anti-semitic preachers spewing anti semitism… or any other attacking someones identity…There are student groups that are pro life and anti abortion but they are told to be very careful not to invalidate women who have had abortions just the action of abortion itself…
IMO, it is better as a mom to be aware of what is actually happening, so you can counsel accordingly if need be, than to go in blindfolded. (My advice to my son was to avoid the preacher and not engage with him at all- the guy wants attention, don’t give him any and don’t even walk by him).
As to frats, my son rushed with 3 other out gay students, none were given a bid. He knows 4 more out gay students that rushed other frats and they didn’t get bids either. He does know gay students who are in frats and in his discussions with them, they all said they were not out when they rushed… but came out later, and that the frat was accepting of them then. I threw this bit in as a FWIW bc in my son’s opinion ( he discussed this w me) if you want to get in a frat it might be easier if you aren’t out during the rush process. I threw it in so poster can counsel her son if she chooses.
Don’t get me wrong, My son loves his school and has met many many students that are accepting!!
@Massmomm I am truly thankful for evangelicals like you!! Thanks for working to end ignorance and hurtful paradigms towards lgbt and Christianity…
@Zoosermom, exactly! Evangelicals and fundamentalists are not the same thing, and not all evangelical denominations are hateful toward gays.
@runswimyoga , your son’s experience is chilling and heartbreaking. I cannot imagine how horrible it would be be to an incoming first year and receive a call telling you that your very person is against someone’s beliefs. That is not who God is!
@runswimyoga Sorry, I was certainly not trying to “invalidate” your son’s experiences
No, and I’m not excusing the behavior. I’m just saying that your son was better off not rooming with him. He can point out the legality all he wants, but there’s no changing ignorant. For me, even if the potential roommate was perfect in every other way, it’s not a person I’d want to live with for the next 9 months. But it seems to have worked out for your son, and since this post isn’t related the OP, I’ll bow out now.
@rcier1010 Firstly, I just wanted to commend you for being such a supportive and caring mom for your son’s sexuality. Many of us are not so lucky coming out to their parents. I am a recently out lesbian in my senior year of university, and I’ve discovered that most students at my school don’t care one way or another what your sexuality is, but at the same time seem quite supportive of LGBTQ rights. I’m in Canada, so not sure how different it is where you are. Does your son’s high school have a GSA that he can attend, or a support group in your area.
My school has a “Q Centre” - basically just a supportive space with resources, group meetings, a spot to do homework and meet other people. Perhaps UCB has something similar? Also, he might really enjoy taking a course in queer theory.
I have no experience with the roommate situation, but hope it works out well. Thinking good vibes for you both.
I am a parent of a gay son. He had roommates two years. The first year, the “match” with the roommate was, to put it mildly, less than ideal. While I don’t think that my son’s sexuality was the biggest “issue,” my sense is that it mattered, in a negative way, from the very beginning.
To say that things are so much better these days - yes indeed that surely is true. But there is ENORMOUS variation in individuals’ acceptance of homosexuality and it is not wise to ignore that this could be an issue with a roommate in college. In fact, I find it disappointing that colleges take the approach of: well, it SHOULD not matter, we are a tolerant community, therefore, we will place anybody with anybody and just assume that everything will be OK. I don’t know what exactly to suggest as an alternative, but it simply is not fair to either student to dump a straight kid with a gay kid and just hope for the best, particularly since gay kids have lived their entire lives with the message received in so many ways that they are not the “right” sexuality. I mean that comment very specifically - being gay can be a source of negative self-feelings and so the risk of having a negative encounter or simply an ongoing uncomfortable relationship with a roomie is really something big - it matters and it ought to be avoided if possible. I do NOT believe that it is the gay kid’s responsibility to “teach” the straight kid tolerance and grace. If the gay roomie chooses that path, well, at least it is his choice.
Interestingly, I think the discomfort can go in both directions. My son did not change his clothing in front of his roommate (not totally, that is). In fact, in his many years as an athlete, he did not change clothing in the locker room. Just too self conscious. This is not unusual. There have been a couple of famous athletes who have come out of the closet and talked about how the locker room situation was the one that was the greatest source of concern (to face AFTER coming out, that is).
As an extra tidbit - I will add that my son encountered open homophobes on campus at a VERY liberal small college. All types of people attend all types of colleges.
My recommendation for the original poster of this thread? Get a single room for your son.
I’ll say this. I am a gay male entering my freshman year and I had very similar concerns. First off, regardless if your son vocalizes this, I am sure he is very thankful that you are thinking about him in this manner. I came out to my parents at the beginning of my senior year, and my mom told me that she has had trouble sleeping because she is worried about how people, especially those I might live with may treat me. So, again, I can’t stress this enough on how much it probably means to him, and I really wish more parents did.
Before I actually came out, I applied to several UC campuses. Accepted into UCI, UCD, UCSD. Personally, I did not feel too much fear when it came to living on dorms with other straight guys at the UC campuses. It is part of the reason I applied there, solely because I know how tolerant it is. They generally have good LGBT populations, and I’ve interacted with a lot of them in the past, and they are very friendly and I’m confident will embrace your son :).
I was also accepted into the University of Florida, and was planning on going there only because I can’t afford out of state tuition to go to a UC. My mother was worried, again, for the same reason you are, and I have to say, it is really nice to have someone on our side for once. We go a lot of our lives in fear, or in self-hatred and it feels really nice to have someone support you. So again, I just genuinely want to thank you for supporting him. UF isn’t particularly known, as far as I know, as being liberal or conservative, and I just wanted a place explicitly tolerant to people like myself, like the UC system is.
Responding to the Christian thing, most LGBT folk don’t hate Christians, a lot of us are, but we know from personal experience what some of you all do to us, and it is very frightening. Living with someone that may hate you, and bring up suppressed self-internalized hatred is a dangerous path, both physically and for mental health. I just want Christians in general to know that we don’t hate you all, in fact, we’d love to be friends. We’re just very apprehensive sometimes because of how people have treated us in the past.
All in all, I would feel very comfortable going to a UC as a gay student. I am not particularly strong physically, so I may not be able to defend myself as much, but I don’t think I’d have to at a UC; they have very good education, and have very diverse campuses. I was accepted into NYU and they tend to embrace the LGBT community just like the UCs, and is a big reason I may end up attending.
Cheers!
My son is an extremely devout gay Christian. He ended up with a single, after a bad roommate experience at a very gay friendly school.
OP: best of luck to your son
My son was a closeted gay. Came out in college. By chance alone he had a single his first year, and kept that in soph year. Junior year he spent abroad, senior year he lived off campus with another student (not in a relationship). I think a lot of the housing choice depends on the personality of the kid – apart from sexual orientation. We just felt, based his personality, that our son would be better off starting college with his own room in the first year, and then he could make decisions in later years. In retrospect this was a good decision. (BTW, I’m not a mom.)
Some other posters recommended single rooms. However, those are rather uncommon at the Berkeley dorms.
The odds are in favor of a “random” roommate being fine, but that still leaves the possibility of a problem roommate through luck of the draw. The dorms do have a Unity Theme house or section described at http://reslife.berkeley.edu/academics/theme-programs/unity-house-theme-program which presumably reduces the risk of a roommate who could be a problem in this respect (note that it comes with academic requirements).
Other housing options include the BSC co-ops, which are very low cost, but can have long waiting lists (apply as soon as possible if interested). However, the theme houses (including Wilde whose theme is LGBTQIA & Queer) may be easier to get into, and the co-ops in general tend to attract more left-leaning students anyway. See https://www.bsc.coop/index.php/housing/houses .
My son had long been out as gay when he was preparing to go off to the U. of Chicago in 2008 – he came out at home and to his friends when he was 12 – and of course he was concerned. As was I. Anyone who thought back then that homophobia wasn’t a potential issue anymore in college settings – or thinks so now – would be incredibly naive. He requested a single room (which was also very important for him for a number of reasons having nothing to do with his being gay), and was fortunate enough to get one. Which eased everyone’s anxiety greatly. Having his own room turned out to be very beneficial to him… And he was able to avoid any issues with homophobia in college. Unlike in high school, where it’s a lot more difficult to escape.
My daughter’s first roommate was gay and my DD is not. Her roommate put it on her facebook page when she was looking for somebody to room with. They were basically compatible in all other areas so my DD asked her to be a roommate. It worked out great, still best friends after 3 years.
My youngest DD is going to a college that will offer gender neutral dorming next year. It is a suite situation, each student has their own bedroom with a shared living/bathroom situation. 27% of the kids have signed up for it. They won’t have enough room. BTW, this is a public college in Texas. I’m proud they are offering this.